A lot of times I walk past it on my way to do other things without even thinking.
Most days I can pass by it at least once without noticing it there.
Every day I look at it and think of how empty it is.
I’ve thought about taking it apart and putting it in the garage, where I will not see it as often, or be tempted to picture him there.
I’ve stood before it crying because it isn’t being used.
I’ve wondered why it remains in my home even though I don’t think it will ever have use here again.
I contemplate whether it is unhealthy. I worry that it means I’m broken.
I’m not ready for it to go anywhere. I’m not entirely sure what that means. I know what you think it may mean. It’s not that. I’m just not ready.
I know that at some point I will be. And then I will do it myself, and it will be okay.
But for now it stays.
There is a crib in my hallway. It is wooden, and lonely, and it just waits and waits for a someday that never was.
It’s been a very long year.
#1 by Jessica on December 9, 2009 - 1:12 AM
I am so, sorry. I cannot imagine. I do know a little about processing though, and it sounds like you are doing a good job:) leave it there as long as you want. Even if that means forever. It’s something tangible that you can associate with your loss. Thinking of you.
#2 by Gabriel on December 9, 2009 - 1:34 AM
This breaks my heart. I did remember that that date was coming, and I knew that you were going to talk about it, and I love you for sharing your sorrow with us. Still, it’s really hard to read. I just can’t imagine the pain and the sadness.
I will send you yet another hug. Since I’m in Tenessee until tomorrow, maybe this one makes it all the way there!
Oh, and you will be ready. Soon. Because in the end, good things do happen to good people.
Gabriel´s last blog ..WW#116 – Our first ‘real’ Christmas tree
#3 by Gabriel on December 9, 2009 - 1:34 AM
Gabriel can’t spell “Tennessee”… :0(
#4 by Lunasea on December 9, 2009 - 1:35 AM
I was just thinking it was about a year for you. I’m so sorry. It’s been a tough one. I don’t think it’s unhealthy. It’s like the sharp edges of grief – they stay sharp until they’re not as sharp anymore. The crib stays until you’re ready for it to go, and no one but you can tell when that is.
Lunasea´s last blog ..Adopt a Family for the Holidays – Across the World
#5 by Athena on December 9, 2009 - 2:08 AM
I think that it’s exactly where it needs to be until you are ready for it to be somewhere else. And whenever that is, will be the exact right time. You’re doing well.
Love you,
~A
#6 by Zoeyjane on December 9, 2009 - 3:14 AM
All the love in the world. You move the damn furniture whenever you feel like it – until then, feel whatever you need to. xo
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On where I’d be shopping, if I had any money left for Christmas
#7 by lceel on December 9, 2009 - 10:00 AM
It takes a long time, Lotus. You’ll just sail along and then BOOM! – It jumps out and bites you. It will get better. I know. Tomorrow it’s 29 years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. And I still carry her picture in my wallet. But it does get easier.
lceel´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Statue From Bark
#8 by Jessica on December 9, 2009 - 11:51 AM
Hugs. It seems like grief is all I’ve written about on my blog for the past two years. What seems like a long time to others….two years…..it’s just a reminder of how short a time ago I had her here with me.
There’s no quota for you to fill on grief. Don’t let anybody, including yourself, tell you otherwise.
Again, hugs. Because I know sometimes, words don’t do a bit of good.
#9 by Eve on December 9, 2009 - 11:55 AM
I don’t have a crib for the babies that were never born. But I do recognize the need. I have reminders of Hubs all over the house. His wrist watch sits on the table next to my printer and chimes every day about 1:30. I would not and will not change that. We do what we have to do to live through our sorrows. Maybe the crib will be there when you have grandchildren who need a place to sleep at grandma’s house. So what? {{{{{Lotus}}}}}
Eve´s last blog ..Christmas Cards
#10 by Secret Mom Thoughts on December 9, 2009 - 1:14 PM
I don’t think it means you are broken. you have to do what you think is right. Hugs.
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Wordless and Wardrobe Wednesday
#11 by Kara on December 9, 2009 - 1:34 PM
Thinking of you today…it does not mean your broken just that you need more time.
#12 by Tara R. on December 9, 2009 - 6:17 PM
Your decision, your need, your timeline. Only you know when your wait is done.
Tara R.´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday ~ silver
#13 by Missives From Suburbia on December 9, 2009 - 7:25 PM
Hugs.
Missives From Suburbia´s last blog ..I’m Doing Your Holiday Shopping for You! (Hint: FREE STUFF)
#14 by Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) on December 9, 2009 - 7:53 PM
Cuddles to you…
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..It’s my Toby-versary
#15 by Missy on December 10, 2009 - 8:59 AM
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I also lost a “never born” baby in 2003. To this day, I still grieve at times. I still wonder “what if”. My pain has lessened over the years. But it never has (or will) completely go away. You aren’t broken. You are a grieving mother. (((((HUGS))))
Missy´s last blog ..Trials, Tribulations, and Test-Taking
#16 by Life As I Know It on December 10, 2009 - 1:29 PM
Ours is in the basement. Sitting and waiting. I can’t get rid of it. Even though it probably won’t be back upstairs again.
Wishing all good things for you…hang in there. It’s hard, I know.
Life As I Know It´s last blog ..Redemption
#17 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 10, 2009 - 6:05 PM
Thank you, everyone. I don’t focus on the pain the majority of the time anymore, but rather am turning to the joy in my life more appreciatively, and am hopefully making the most of that. I have a lot to be thankful for, and life is, on the whole, good.
I’d have loved that baby no matter how long he’d lived or what his condition was. While I’m not saying it would have been easy if he’d lived longer (he had Trisomy 13) it is impossible for me to just cease wishing he *had* lived.
I really appreciate you all validating that it’s not unhealthy for me to want to keep the crib around for awhile, and that grief has no timetable – things I inherently knew, but which is it is really good to have some agreement on.
Thanks, again.
#18 by Rachael on December 10, 2009 - 10:09 PM
I don’t know what to say, but I want to say something. Mostly I just want to give you a giant hug. I don’t think you’re broken, or wrong, or not normal. I think you’re trying to heal. You’ll know when you’re ready. And then, and until then, we’ll be here to listen.
#19 by Kelley on December 10, 2009 - 10:51 PM
babe, it has been over 12 years since my last one and it still hurts. But not as strikingly, just an ache.
So I totally understand and wish I could give you a big cuddle.
#20 by Veronica on December 10, 2009 - 11:05 PM
Been thinking of you in this leadup to Christmas.
Veronica´s last blog ..The state of the Midland Highway
#21 by Lori on December 11, 2009 - 12:22 AM
I’ve read you for the past year, I have not left a message because I’ve always felt guilty, I found you because we were both pregnant at about the same time.
My Son was born June 25th.
The day you posted about the miscarriage I sat at work and cried for you, and rubbed my belly fearing the same for myself.
I’m so sorry for what happend. Really. A the time you were my Pregnancy buddy that didn’t know I was alive, but I loved reading you, afer that, I just grew to appreciate what I had so much more.
Hi, My name is Lori and I want to give you a hug.
L.
#22 by talina on December 11, 2009 - 1:14 AM
You are so strong and amazing!
I am with Lori, I have always felt guilty too since we were pregnant at the same time.
One of my husbands coworkers just went though the same thing as you… She was 7 months along. My heart breaks for you.
talina´s last blog ..Holdiay shopping and relections on my most surprising gift ever…
#23 by sam {temptingmama} on December 21, 2009 - 8:38 PM
I love you. Lots.
*hugs*
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Every year I say it will be better
#24 by Maggie, dammit on December 21, 2009 - 9:37 PM
Love to you, sweet girl.
Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..Hope
#25 by Karen Sugarpants on December 22, 2009 - 11:02 PM
Big hugs, sweetheart.
xoxo