i am lotus

Since Miz Lotus so cavalierly announced what a lazy douchebag she was, she twittered some of her buds to guest post so she wouldn’t have to do it her own self.

My response was “Have you READ my blog lately?”

And then she revealed the depths and breadth of her lazy douchebagginess.

Because if she had read my blog lately, she would have seen that I am an even lazier douchebag of late.

Is this what they mean by irony?

Allow me to explain myself.

I work out of my home. It really does pay better than any job I could get where I would have to oh, say, shower, put on the hated bra, appropriate clothing, makeup,and then freeze my lazy arse on a commute.( Even better than the IT career I went to school for three years ago, graduated with honors, and could not land a job. They don’t like anybody over 20, it seems.)

Case in point: It’s 2:45 pm here. Still rocking the jammies.

Are you getting the sense yet just how lazy a douchebag I really am?

I work mornings. If there is something I need to do, errand wise, I screw up my face and try to decide if it is worth it to get dressed and go there. Usually, it can wait. I may cook something for supper or run the dishwasher in the afternoon, but any real cleaning has not been done since Christmas. Really. Sometimes, if there is nothing good on tv, I will work some more, just because it pays so well. I get to set my own hours. If I feel guilty. Like because the tree is still up, and I’m thinking the place is so huge, I could just throw a sheet over it and hide it in a closet, but then where would I store my empty wine bottles? So,basically, I only do extra work that gets paid when I need to justify the “I’m too busy to take down the tree” thing.

With all of this time for blogging available to me, I have not updated my own blog very regularly for about a month or so. I thought that if any of you are also lazy douchebags, you would enjoy the following how-to guide, sloppily written by me, because, apparently, sloppy and lazy are closely related.

How to blog when you are a lazy douchebag who seldom leaves the house

1. Bribe twenty-something offspring to do laundry because that? Involves a trip to the basement. My time is far too valuable for all the basement tripping thankyouverymuch.
2. Note that laundry mostly consists of pajamas and socks. There are no bras in my laundry, people.
3. Invite company over so I will have an excuse to cook a nutritious meal. In clean pajamas.
4. Bribe twenty-something offspring to make a trip to the liquor store for wine. I cleverly buy red wine, so that it needs no refrigeration.
5. Note that the dustbunnies are so big that I’m considering giving them names. Make that a big bottle of wine. Not the 4 litre box, that would just be dangerous.
6. Make a nutritious, yummy meal. Everybody has to eat. Even lazy douchebags.
7. Check that the humongous (about 8 oz capacity) wine glasses are clean. That way, there is less getting up and down after the meal to refill glasses. Most of the up and down is to recycle the wine. Even lazy douchebags have to pee.
8. Click one of my playlists on the computer after the meal is eaten. No sense getting up and down to select different music. No.
9. By the second glass of wine, feel somewhat loquacious, and commence telling stories to your guests.
10. Keep a notepad nearby so that the pesky getting up and down is minimized when your drunk arse wants to make a note of a story for a blog post idea.
11. Try to decipher handwriting the next day.
12. Make a judgement call if the handwriting is deciphered, of course. Is it a good enough story for the blog?
13. Lately, the criteria is more like can I read my handwriting?
14. When someone as fabulous as Lotus asks you to guest post, agree because you are too lazy to write a post for your own blog. Blogging for someone else does not make you any less of a lazy douchebag. My blog is being neglected. Since Saturday. That’s what really counts, isn’t it?
15. Hijack host blogger’s claim and trademark of lazy douchebag. Have a pissing contest of it. Show why you are more worthy of the title, even though she totally made it up. Because I? Am living it, baybee.
16. Encourage readers to subscribe because that way they don’t have to visit the blog if I haven’t updated. That is called spreading the lazy around.
17. Feel pressured to update since I am guest posting on a very widely read blog.
18. Look at the Christmas tree as something I could take down before I put up a new post.

I think your education is complete now. You actually can blog when you seldom leave the house. The trick is to be able to find people who will visit you while you are in your pajamas, telling them stories. Getting the blog post written? Sometimes that feels like twenty minutes I will never have again.

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Witchypoo is the winner of the 2008 Blogger’s Choice Awards for Freakiest Blogger.  She feels like an old friend, even though I’ve only known her since I’ve started blogging here.  I suppose maybe when you know someone can read your mind, and shit, you have no choice but to just feel that relaxed with them.
When she’s not challenging me for the Lazy Douche Crown, you can find her blogging at Psychic Geek.  Make sure you say hi to Ass Burger Boy while you’re there.