Being a parent, yourself, always puts things into perspective.
I was totally thinking of complaining today about some Braden-related things. His gums have been bleeding when I brush them, and I’m trying to figure that out. Also, his refusal to use a regular cup has become maddening, and I’ve been trying to help him make the change. These are the type of things I obsess and worry over. You know, on a small scale. Of course, I’m also worried about all the other things that go into raising him properly, and there are many which hit a much more complex/grande scale of importance, but these are the types of details that float in and out of our everyday lives.
Then tonight I watched a 20/20 special called, My Secret Self – A Story of Transgender Children. It aired previously, about a year ago, but this was the first time I saw or heard anything about it. The special, that is. The condition itself (Gender Identity Disorder), I have known of already - even studied it to some degree in graduate school – but I’ve never seen a special like this that dealt so intimately with the lives of actual children who have a life-force that is in strong opposition to the shape of their mortal coils. I learned about the “secret life” of Riley, “Jazz,” and Jeremy.
I found the episode that aired a year ago, on youtube, broken up into five segments. I’ve embedded them here, so you can watch them, if you’re interested. It’s worth the time to take in their stories.
When you close your eyes, you don’t have to know the shape of your anatomy to know who you are. You are distinctly aware of your gender. It’s a strong part of your mental identity, your soul, your being, whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to ask anyone else how you should feel, what the shape of your body is, what organs lie inside your abdomen, or what your voice sounds like in order to identify with your gender. You can close off everything outside yourself and check in with your inner core, and you know.
And can you imagine looking at yourself after that and seeing the shape of something else? Or being told that you are something else?
I can’t even begin to truly understand, but I can begin to imagine. As a parent, watching that special, I was moved by so many visceral emotions. Barbara Walters said she thinks most viewers will be “moved to greater understanding.” I was moved well beyond that. What must it be like to try to help your child through this?
It was hard to get Braden off the pacifier, and it’s going to be difficult to get him to give up his sippy-straw cups. Hill of beans. Such small change.
I can promise that the reasons why I took that piece of plastic away from him and why I want him to learn how to use his cup, even though those things are causing distress for him (and me) in the short-term, are the same reasons why I would support him – the person he is inside his own mind, not the shape of the bag of meat he lives in – no matter what.
It’s because he’s my child, and I love and respect him. I’m bound by that love and respect to make the choices that are best for him, no matter how uncomfortable and difficult they may be. Either short term, or long term.
That’s what I signed up for. That’s why I’m here.
I can’t even begin to imagine reacting in any other way.
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Mrs. F
You are beautiful. That was so well written that I really have nothing to add. I just loved the last part “That’s what I signed up for. That’s why I’m here.”
I completely agree.
Mrs. F’s last blog post..In The Depths of Mindless Drivel
Elizabeth
What a beautiful perspective–I am not a parent, but it seems as though so many parents have this ideal of how their children will turn out. It is so wonderful that you’re giving your son room to grow into himself, whoever he may become.
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Veronica
Beautifully said.
And my gums always bleed if I haven’t had enough vitamin C lately. Or if I think about them too hard. Or if I brush them when the second hand is on an odd number and the minute hand is half way between a minute.
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PiaG
I tell you, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. And no-one can truly explain that to you before you have children of your own.
But you don’t have to worry because you are the best mom for Braden!!!
Drinking from a cup will come with time. As will all things.
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Z
This was so beautiful! This issue has always intrigued me, and I’ve read a bit about the topic, but I can’t wait to see this special!
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Rebecca
One of my favorite blogs that I used to read like religion (and still would if she still blogged) was a blog belonging to a Mama who had a child with Gender Identity Disorder. I wish more people had read her blog so they could understand.
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feener
i saw the show last night. it was amazing. i thought these families were so wonderful to brave this and share their stories.
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Rebecca
I saw this when it aired the first time. I was so moved by it. And it was both heartbreaking and heartwarming, if that makes sense.
As for the bleeding gums, are his toothbrush’s bristles soft enough? New enough? Is there a chance he might have an allergy to a particular pollen? Or might he have sinus issues? I know sinus stuff makes my gums more prone to bleeding than usual.
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Amy
This was beautiful!!! You can feel the love for your son through the screen!! Bravo! More parents need to adopt that same attitude.
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Memarie Lane
I always imagine I look like Cindy Crawford. Then I look in the mirror and see this lumpy person. Why won’t my mirror accept my true identity?
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Coast Rat
Great post! Very informative information for parents. I agree with PiaG, EB will accept changing cups and will make other changes when he is ready. You’re a good mom, Dawn; don’t second guess yourself too much.
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Tracy D
This touched me. We worry about our children and fret over the smallest thing. I cannot imagine dealing with something liek this. I know I would support my child…. but how hard it must be, as a parent, to let go and elt them be. Great post.
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Sarah
I couldn’t imagine dealing with the things these parents do. You’re right, though…our problems seem minor compared to it…That’s not a story I’d seen…I’ll have to sit down and watch all of it sometime soon.
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threeundertwo
Excellent post. “That’s what I signed up for” is exactly how I feel when facing tough parenting times. I never put it that well though.
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Tracey
If only all children were as lucky and blessed as your little boy to have a mother with such awesome perspective and understanding…
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Manic Mom
You are such a loving Mommy! I love your perspective on parenting. When I grow up I want to be just like YOU!!
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missy wiggins
What a great perspective to have. More parents should be inclined to love their children exactly the way they are. Well said.
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Sarah
Wow, I sat and watched all the segments… a big eye opener. I can’t even imagine feeling like I am stuck in the wrong body…. brave families for telling those stories. I am glad I watched.
Cassandra Rae
“When you close your eyes, you don’t have to know the shape of your anatomy to know who you are.” So eloquent! Your message of acceptance is beautiful and I’ll have to come back and view the videos.
On another note…
I prefer to drink from a straw too. In fact, come to think of it I never actually drink from a cup without a straw unless there aren’t any other options (especially if there’s ice….I can’t stand it when the ice shifts and I accidentally have cold liquid down my front). I was just wondering if Braden could drink from a straw until he was too impatient (i.e. so thirsty he just wants to gulp it down and who has the time for a straw). But, I also haven’t had a toddler for like more than a dozen years….so maybe there is some developmental factor to take into account….
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A Whole Lot of Nothing
It’s all about perspective.
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martha
I saw that show last night too. It was pretty powerful. I commend those parents for standing by their child and accepting them for who they are, not who the parents might want them to be. The footage of the mom crying over her childs baby pictures was especially powerful. She would only reminisce and cry over them when the child wasn’t there.
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Alison
This was beautiful.
I cannot imagine not making sure my child was happy. IT kills me when they are hurt or are being hurt or are unsure. I want to make it go away. I cannot imagine not being there regardless of why!
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Marye~
I will give my children every opportunity I can for them to become the best person they can be and I will love them no matter who they become.
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Hockeyman
At 32, my gums still bleed now and then. My dentist said its normal and its the tissue getting stronger. In a toddler, I dunno. I guess it depends on the severity and how many teeth he has coming in. Teething sucks…
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Deb (Missives From Suburbia)
There was a bit on NPR about this a month ago, and then I happened to tune in to 20/20 last night and catch the episode you’re talking about. I cried thinking about the emotional pain those children experience and what it would be like, as their parent, trying to help them cope. The idea of not accepting my children for who they are and trying to give them what they need just wouldn’t cross my mind.
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river
His gums are bleeding? That doesn’t sound right. perhaps you are pressing a little too hard with the brush? discuss this with doctor and dentist to make sure there are no underlying problems, although i’m sure there aren’t, Braden looks so healthy and you are such a careful Mum.
hockeyman? Bleeding gums is the tissue getting stronger?, that doesn’t sound right either, get a second opinion.
melissa
Watched the videos, and I am not sitting at my computer bawling.
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Christi
Lotus, thank you! Thank you for embedding these, thank you for loving Braden for whoever his is and will be, and thank you for showing me that THIS is what a biological girl/boy was that I knew years ago. This is how she felt. This is why she bound her breasts and lived as a male. Very few other people knew what I knew, that Steve was really Holly.
It breaks my heart to think of what these children will have to face as they grow older. I had never thought of such a situation as a birth defect, but isn’t it? Isn’t it possible that the hormones and the physical formation got messed up? It happens in other ways, why not in this manner?
Bless you for sharing this with your readers. I am very touched and have grown to respect you even more tonight!
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sara
I am going to watch these later when the buddies have gone to nap.
Is there a reason you don’t want him using a straw cup? I always thought (and maybe foolishly so) that it was the hard plastic cups that caused a problem with teeth/speech delays. My son (who will be 3 in October) is still using a cup with a straw. If I am doing something wrong, I need to know! (He can drink from a cup, but it’s SO much easier for me for him not to … it stresses me out! Plus, it’s easier for him when he’s thirsty so he doesn’t get over zealous and pour it all over his cute mug.)