i am lotus

Let me start out by saying that most of the time I really don’t mind getting PR emails. In fact, the large majority of the time, they are pleasant and interesting, and sometimes they are actually really great fun. I am able to, for example, pass on freebies to you guys over here, and/or get to try something out myself and offer a review. Because of these opportunities, I enjoy receiving PR pitches. But seriously, I’m still a person, and if you’re going to send these types of emails to bloggers, please figure out how to frame them. (Not sending out pure CRAP also helps.)

I received this email recently:

Hello, my name is [name withheld by Sarcastic Mom] and I am an internet marketing specialist. I was looking at websites under the keyword best push up bra and came across your website http://sarcasticmom.com. I see that you’re not ranked on the first page of Google for a best push up bra search.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of why you’re ranked this low but more importantly how easily correctable this is.

There’s no reason you can’t have a top three ranking for the keyword best push up bra based on your site structure and content. You have a very nice site.

You need significantly more one way anchor text backlinks. If you’re interested I can help you with this…

I’m talking about getting you ranked for ALL your keywords. Adding new backlinks on a steady and consistent basis from high PR quality websites is what produces the rankings you are looking for http://sarcasticmom.com.

The right kind of links are very critical in getting top ranking….and I can hand deliver these quality links to you.

My partners and I own 1000’s websites and offer private linking to hundreds of website owners just like yourself.

I didn’t send this email out to very many people but I am currently reaching out to a list of your ‘keyword competitors’ as well. But I do favor your website because I can see your website monetizing the targeted website traffic the keyword best push up bra can deliver.

I have your contact information and phone number. Is it ok if I give you a call?

I have a very simple way to prove that what I do works and it’s risk free for you to try. Nothing beats seeing the results with your own eyes

Is it ok if I give you a call? I would love to pursue this further over the phone with you or should I go somewhere else?

Sincerely,

[Name and Phone Number withheld by Sarcastic Mom]

Dear Asshat Internet Marketing Specialist,

I thought about just replying directly to you via email, but since you are such a faithful reader of my website, http://sarcasticmom.com, I thought I’d just post my response to you here. You won’t miss it, right? Besides, I feel the need to share this with others. Call me crazy.

First of all, I know that quite a few people come to my website via some type of “boob” keyword search. And really, that’s my fault for talking about glorious boobs all the time. I don’t care too much one way or another – I talk about what I feel like talking about, blahblahblah, etc. But I can assure you that I do NOT stay awake at night worrying about whether I am on the front page of Google results for “best push up bra.”

I mean, sometimes I can’t sleep because I don’t seem to be able to make it on the front page of Google results for “most awesome person in the universe,” and that one really DOES perplex me, for obvious reasons. I’ll even admit to being a little jealous that I don’t show up at the top of the results for “hot asian porn,” but that might have something to do with the fact that I’m not “hot” or “asian” and I don’t offer “porn” on this website.

Oh, yeah… I also don’t sell or own the “best push up bra.” Or even CARE what that might be. Do you think that has something to do with all that crap you mentioned about me not being on the top of the Google results for that keyword search? Call me stupid, but I think I may have stumbled upon something.

I have to admit that I wondered briefly if your whole email was just a passive aggressive insult aimed at The Rack. I mean, it looks nice when I photograph it well, but, let’s face it… Twin Beaver Tails over here. So, I’m wondering if you’re SUGGESTING that I might need to go LOOK at the search results for “best push up bra” and make purchases accordingly? If so, thanks for your concern, but also? Eff you.

Oh, and just for the record, using my freakin’ blog URL as my NAME? And then suggesting that you have my phone number and asking if it’s okay to call? That put your RIGHT on the list of Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.

Congratulations.

But I’m REALLY confused at why you don’t show up on the front page of results for that or for “asshats who should die.” Clearly, Google has made an error.

Sincerely,

http://sarcasticmom.com

PS: Anyone with a computer or a phone book can look up a phone number when they have someone’s full name. Only a *insert your favorite expletive* wouldn’t actually USE that person’s name when sending them correspondence. FYI.