Bet you didn’t know you had wings.
On Monday I sent John to get us a Christmas tree.
I like real trees. I know that many people have their own, good reasons for having fake trees, but I just can’t have one. I need the smell of a real tree. I need the mess of annoying real tree needles to scatter the carpet. I need the real tree sappy bark and the real tree prickly branches.
I like it when things are real. They hold more meaning for me, somehow. I am alive when I feel.
Real.
Monday evening, I opened a large storage container. In fact, last year, I closed myself up in it entirely, which is a humorous thing for me to recall. What’s even more amusing to me is that, in true camera-obsessed form, I had my Kodak in there with me.
Instead of a dork, it now contains our Christmas decorations. One of the things inside was the Angel we top our tree with each year. We have owned her for about 4 years. Her arms, held open with ribbons and ornaments streaming from one, are posable. I have never moved them, however, and I pack her carefully each year so she that remains in the same position.
So I was more than a bit taken aback when I pulled her out of the box on Monday evening like this:
It was a striking image, her arm thrown across her face, ribbons and ornaments still streaming from her hand. As if the Reality of the family that she was joining this year was too much to bear.
Was she shielding her eyes from my pain? Weeping for us; unable to bear witness.
Tuesday morning, looking down at my own hand, I was reminded of my Angel.
And I realized that I had misinterpreted the message I’d received in her the previous night.
Others are not shielding themselves from this hurt I’m sharing. My pain is not being avoided – it is being shared by and divided amongst all of my “angels.” Without them (you guys), the burden would be heavier, because I would carry it practically alone.
You are my Angels, so to speak.
Every message you send me. Every comment you leave. Every email I get. Every @SarcasticMomLC you shoot my way on Twitter. You are bearing witness, standing with me, and sharing my pain – you are lessening my burden by supporting me. All your messages do this.
Please forgive me if I have not the strength or words yet to reply to them all… but know I see them all. I see all of you.
I see you, throwing your hands across your faces with me, the ribbons streaming from them beautifully as you each take a little piece of my pain so I do not feel alone here in “the abyss.”
Sometimes it hurts when things are so real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, really.
Thanks for letting me feel safe being real.
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Walking With Scissors
That’s what friends are for. ((hugs))
Walking With Scissorss last blog post..Hmm… Decisions, decisions…
Jennifer
You’re never alone with all these internets.
Jennifers last blog post..Winter Wonderland
pgoodness
oh. this post got me. i’m glad you don’t feel alone, and that we internet folks are helping lessen the burden.
pgoodnesss last blog post..It’s coming!
Twitter: Pgoodness
Nikki C
Friends are people we can laugh with when times are good, and cry with when times are bad. (hugs)
Nikki Cs last blog post..Year of a Million ZZZZZZZ’s (part 4 of 4,part2)
Rachel
Lotus, dammit. Stop making me cry.
I painfully welcome the grace and ability to share your tears and sorrow and to be a part of your life.
But dammit girl, do you have to be so eloquent and amazing?
river
I know it’s very soon and I know it’s hard, but I hope you feel better soon.
Corey ~living and loving
I’m glad that in some little way, my presence helps heal a tiny piece of your heart.
hugs!
Corey ~living and lovings last blog post..Christmas Card Photo quest…..and It’s ALL Good.
Lilacspecs
I wish I had better things to say to you…things that magically made it go away. But I’m glad you have so many people commenting and supporting you.
And sweet, I didn’t know Jews could be angels! Atheist buddhisty type Jews even! Cool.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Will some Musical Parodies Bring an End to The Crickets???
Tanya
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I put a star on top of our tree this year as a symbol of something to wish upon. I will make a wish for you tonight…
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Tanyas last blog post..the job thingo
Jill
I was completely numb after my 1st D&C… and as I hadn’t told anyone I was PG in the first place, I had nobody besides my husband to help me through my unbelievable grief. I thankfully told people when I sadly had to have my 2nd…
As someone who’s been down this path, I think you’re one smart cookie to share your thoughts and feelings and accept the love and comfort from all your friends in the bloggie world.
I wish you nothing but peace as you begin your recovery.
Jills last blog post..Surprise! We’re in Southern California!
Gabriel
So nice of you to acknowledge all of us in a moment like this… We’re here for you, all of your readers and blogbuddies. Those who you know personally and those who you will never meet in person.
Oh, and another thing. I challenge anybody who thinks that their name sounds more angelic than mine! I’m Gabriel!!!
Hugs
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Kristin
You are so not alone here!
I agree your words are strong and beautiful they inspire us all!
Kristins last blog post..Pregnant: 15 Weeks
Maggie
You are such a precious person! And I am glad you can take comfort from your angels and recognize that they are there for you. I wish you and your family peace this Christmas, and strength in coming to terms with what happened. Never stop being real, okay?
Ness
Hmm, flap flap. (Tests out new wings). These things are cool!
Nesss last blog post..The Mother Ship of Marketing
Twitter: droversrunness
Vic
*Hugs* Sometimes the greatest angels are the ones that walk the earth in our daily lives.
Vics last blog post..Verglas
Ali
Wow! Such grace and strength and honesty you are sharing with all of your readers.
Thank you for that.
Alis last blog post..Keeping it in the family
Danielle
So nicely said. Thinking of you and not really ever knowing what to say…
Danielles last blog post..Little Girl Skipping
Tammy
That was beautiful. Really really beautiful.
Tammys last blog post..Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Domestic Extraordinaire
So eloquent Lotus. Many hugs and prayers to you. So glad to be one of your many shoulders.
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Do you know what time it is?
AnnD
We are still here! We love you! Please stay strong and keep healing girl. Write what you need to write, whenever you need to write it. Writing is so healing. I need to do some myself. I am not nearly as beautifully spoken as you though and I know I’ll just end up pissing people off.
AnnDs last blog post..Emma update!
connie
What a sweet post Lotus~especially w/all you’re going thru. Your post made me think of one of my fave CHRISTmas songs~
Oh, I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you & me in our darkest hour
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love
~Angels Among Us, by Alabama
Always here for you Lotus. (((hugs)))
connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=December 7th-13th 2008
lceel
I love you Lotus. *HUG*
lceels last blog post..Just Random Shiz
Twitter: lceel
Taz
big big hugs to you hun..
Tazs last blog post..Summer fun and siblings..
kompostela
I didn’t send you email but I sent you a turtle eating strawberry
) Remember? Lol! Just kidding:)))
Now seriously, in case you need something I’m always here for you, even if you know me so little:))
Kiss Braden for me. Life didn’t stop. you are fighter and you have to fight EVERYTHING cause you have Braden. He is real treasure.
We have to enjoy what we have and not to think about we don’t have. Don’t think about “what would be if”. But I’m sure you know everything without me cause you are smart girl:))
kompostelas last blog post..Reading With a Toddler – Your Secret Mission
Tracy D
You are an amazing person. I wish you strength, peace and hope this Christmas. We all love you!
Tracy Ds last blog post..The Lazy Tracy
Becky
You are so amazing and strong in a time like this. I’m glad that this community is able to help lift you up a little each day.
Beckys last blog post..Men…Well, My Man
anne
As always, I am privileged to be one of your friends, and I send you a million bajillion hugs, my dear. You are one extraordinary person.
BTW, I am a die-hard fake tree girl. This greatly disturbs my born-and-bred-Michiganer husband, who used to get a gorgeous pine tree every year from somewhere on his 20-acre farm every year growing up. I appreciate the fresh scent and the realness… just not all the cleanup required afterwards!
connie
I forgot to mention when I posted earlier, I’m a REAL tree girl also~have always been & always will be. There’s NOTHING like a REAL tree
WITH MULTI-COLORED LIGHTS TOO 
connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=December 7th-13th 2008
Tamra @ It all started with a kiss
Your honesty and openness is so touching. And healthier than trying to hold it all in. Even though reading here sometimes brings pangs of sorrow from my own miscarriage, it’s healing for me, too.
You are loved.
Tamra @ It all started with a kisss last blog post..a bittersweet moment
Sarah @ TM2TS
First: I’m a real tree girl as well. I have a fake, but only because we’re in the apartment and it’s easier, since my plan is to get the replant-able trees when we get the house, so I’m not just killing a tree (my parents use theirs as mulch,
, so that works too).
Second, the rest of the entry totally teared me up. You’re right. When you have pain and sorrow, just knowing someone is there is the biggest part of healing
*hugs*
Goldfish
This is an amazing post. Thanks so much for sharing, for being so honest, and for the inspiration. Thank you.
Goldfishs last blog post..First snow
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Love you
Kim
Lotus.. I just want to give you great big bear hugs.. and then high five you on the real tree.. that is the only way to go..
Kims last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Super Stinking Cute
Michelle
Isn’t it amazing how something that started small (our blogs) can turn into such a lifeline? I’m constantly amazed at the support and love I find on the internet (and i don’t even visit porn sites).
Your post made me think of my favorite childhood book – the Velveteen Rabbit – it talks about sometimes being real hurting.
Michelles last blog post..A Festivus Miracle!
arianne
three years ago, my life turned in to a horror the day after christmas. I remember thinking there was no way that my eyes could cry all the tears that needed to be shed.
I remember that in addition to my grief, I felt helpless as people continually asked what they could do to help – as if there could be any help for it.
I just wanted you to know that I am checking the site several times each day; I am praying for you, and for Braden, John, and your two departed angels. And, at least once a day, I am crying for as I think of all you have lost;
I live in a totally different state. I will probably never meet you in person. But please know, when it feels like the grief is just too overwhelming, that there are other eyes tearing up for you – you don’t need to do all of the crying alone.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Arianne
Junebug
You write beautifully of your reality. I hope it helps to know that we’re here to read it.
Junebugs last blog post..Coldplay-Never cease to amaze me
jill
know that you make the rest of us feel like.. we are the lucky ones.
jills last blog post..Catching up…
Kim H.
Aw honey, if I could take away even just an ouce of your hurt, I’d do it in a second. I’ve not walked in your shoes, so I won’t say I know how you’re feeling, cause I don’t. I cannot even imagine the grief and the heartache and the anger and the questioning, “why?”. Just know that yes, wonderful people out there, like another poster said, people you probably will never meet are thinking of you and praying you through.
You are a good Mommy!
Kim H.s last blog post..The doggie blues.
jeri lynne
My dad passed away in May and he loved babies..I like to think that he has kissed your lil ones heads for you..he is a good guy like that..
{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas
So many of us have been there. Nearly the exact same scenario for me. So to say “we feel ya” is an understatement.
It is so good to know that it is helping you heal.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Shark Bites with a Side of Sugar
Twitter: amy2boys
SJ
I’m still so very sad for you and your family that you are going through this. I know one day you’ll be in better spirits but until then know that my thoughts are with you.
I wish upon you peace and comfort.
SJs last blog post..Another episode of crafty
Barbara
There are 3 blogs I check every day. Sleepless Nights, Xbox4nappyrash and yours. I often don’t comment because I feel that either my comment would be clumsy after your beautiful writing or else all the other comments have already said what I’d like to say.
I’m glad to think that anything that I can do can help you. I don’t know what you’re going through, only that you must be an amazing person to keep going and to be able to share yourself so openly and honestly. *hugs*
Barbaras last blog post..351/366 – Down Time
Q's Mommy
My latest favorite quote suits you well:
“Good friends share good times, but real friends divide pain.”
Still thinking of you!!!
Amy
Wow. I can’t even form a coherent thought to respond. You are beautiful. And amazing. And an incredible mom. You will come out on the other side…battered and bruised…but you will.
Chaos
Its always amazing when we realize we have angels with us everyday. Been thinking about you. Definitely hate pine needles, but have to have the real tree too.
Special K
Amazing grace sweetie! And I am not religious but sometimes there just aren’t any REAL explanations for how things work out. ((HUGS))
Special Ks last blog post..5 Questions from Adam Avitable
Bev
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time but never commented before; figured with so many others commenting, what was the use of one more? But – wanted to say that I’ve been thinking of you from here in British Columbia, Canada. This was a beautiful post.
Melanie aka lilknitter
Sorry it has taken me soooo long to get off my behind and comment but this was an amazing post and it made me feel really guilty for not saying sooner…..I am so sorry. I have thought of you and I wish there was something I could say to make the pain not so bad but know that I do stalk…lurk…I mean pop in to read every post. You’re such a strong person and I admire you for handling things so well. Lots of love to ya! Hugs!!!!!!!
Melanie aka lilknitters last blog post..Surprise!
Jientje
No, I did not know, but it’s a nice thought.
Take care, Lotus. Hugs xxx
Jientjes last blog post..Sepia Scenes
Barbara
What a touching entry. I am glad that you are a part of my life and that you have a big support group to help you now.
Hugs
Barbara
Hollie Petty
I wish I had some magic words to make the pain go away, and I know that there is nothing I can physically do to help you. But praying and sending good thoughts help, and that I can do. Every day, many times a day.
stephanie
If we have taken even the slightest edge off your pain, then I am very, very glad!
stephanies last blog post..Do we need to save handmade toys?
Memarie Lane
I never know what to say when people are goimg through such things and I’m always afraid to put my foot in my mouth so I generally say nothing. But I’m here, and I’m feeling with you.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..Bank of Despairica
The Glamorous Life
Beautifully written.
And the angel pose? SO charming. I think maybe you caught her in the middle of playing hide and seek with one of the snowman ornaments and she was ‘it’.
Hang tough. Look Up. And be strong.
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..The diversity of living with my boys
Jessica
That was so beautiful and inspirational! Many more hugs and love!
Veronica
That’s what we’re here for.
xxx
Veronicas last blog post..I keep trying to write…
Rachael
I am amazed by your ability to continue contributing beautiful things to this world even in your times of greatest heartbreak. You are amazing.
Twitter: rachael1013
imaginary binky
Ditto, lady.
Ditto.
imaginary binkys last blog post..Damn you, Natalie Portman
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
Sniffle…
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..T-8 days and counting…
Twitter: ramblingreba
Heidi
Of course. And we will continue to.
Heidis last blog post..Write
Stacy
It takes guts to be so open with your pain. You have such a way with words.
I feel so blessed to be able to read your blog, probably because you have the guts to say things exactly the way they are.
Hugs to you.
Stacys last blog post..Not Me
Christina
The picture of the angel is striking.
And yes, you’ve got a large community of support surrounding you, ready to help with whatever you need. And in times like this, you need your community.
Christinas last blog post..All I Want For Christmas Is…?
Amy Shipp
Girl, you’re gonna make me cry! Big HUGS and many Blessings your way this Christmas and ALWAYS!!
xoxoxoxo
Kat
You are beautiful. Real.
And you are that angel for MANY people.
Kats last blog post..PSF- And In This Corner…
Lex
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. And haven’t commented, because I just couldn’t find the words. But I did want you to know that you do have me and probably a lot of other lurkers out there who are sending you prayers and well wishes.
B&B
I am so sorry for your losses, so very very sorry.
I can say I know your pain all too well. I’ve been reading your blog for months now, but this is my first comment, ever. I too had a baby due this winter, January 18th to be exact. Found out yesterday, on December *18th, that my “new” baby has passed away. I was due June 9th. He lived for 13 weeks inside me. I have a D&C in a few hours. I will never get that image of “him” just lying there on the U/S, so perfect, so still.
I am praying for healing for you. Please do the same for me!
*HUGS*
Ashlie- Mommycosm
YOU keep it real.
You have such a way of seeing the little signs others might overlook…and are able to articulate your feelings in a way that we can all relate. That makes it easy to love you, even if we’ve never met you in person.
Sometimes I wonder if my blog friend know me more than my real-life friends. I definitely expose myself more on my blog. They definitely get a deeper understanding of the real me.
No need to respond. Just keep getting out of bed each day and keepin’ it real Lotus-style. We’ll know you’ve heard us.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Haiku Friday: Winter Storm Warning
PiaG
I don’t have any wise words for you. Just sending you love. Hope you get it.
PiaGs last blog post..Watch This Space
Secret Agent Mama
I will always hold your hand, my friend.
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..love thursday
frogpondsrock
un-bloggers? non-bloggers? just have no idea of the fabulousnessness of the blogosphere.. hugs for you again sweetheart xxx
frogpondsrocks last blog post..Wordless…
Tranny Head
I’m still thinking about you, dear, in the “for what it’s worth” category and I know this is going to be a hard Christmas for you to say the least. I’m sending you lots of hugs and well-wishes …
Tranny Heads last blog post..An Untimely Bar
Maggie's Mind
You made me cry a little just now. And I’m sending another batch of hugs.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Haiku Friday 12/19/08
tiff
People are amazing, huh?
Just like you.
Half-Past Kissin' Time
You’re beautiful. (And I say that not because I just saw you in your bra and cleavage, LOL.) You have a light about you, and others are drawn to it.
Love your angel. And your sense of humor.
Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Christmas Spirit
Elaine
What a beautiful post. I am SO glad you feel all the love and support we are sending your way.
Elaines last blog post..Favorite Food Swap Linky
Kritta22
You are so real and I love it!
Kritta22s last blog post..Picture post vol 2
Jane Choo
I know it’s very soon and I know it’s hard, but I hope you feel better soon.
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