And now, I’d like to take a moment to thank the sponsors…

I have a ton of posts still queued up in my head about the specifics of my Blissdom experience, and don’t you worry, I’ll get them up in the next couple of weeks, with photos and enough rainbows shooting out of my arse to make you all vomit copiously. I am juggling some family travel things and some work travel things right now (which I will also tell you about in due time and with much excitement) so my lazy douchery is being worn on both sleeves and the middle of my forehead as far as the ole’ blog is concerned.  Ya still love me, right?  (Speaking of #love, check this out and jump in! I want to hear from all of you so I can include you in a future blog post this month.) 

Now, about Blissdom posts…

This one is first, because it’s a nod to the Blissdom sponsors. Without them, the show doesn’t go on, ya dig? They are the companies that invest in this dream that gets dreamed and then nurtured, hatched, grown, and set free every year. They provide and then show up to showcase their goods, share their knowledge, and connect with us on a professional and personal level.

They’re putting their hands into an effort to lift us up and help us find whatever it is we may be looking for when we join together at a blogging conference that has our hearts and minds, this Blissdom Conference that we fall in love with and want to come back to repeatedly.

My personal favorite is Freschetta, and I’m not going to lie, but they had me at NOMMY PIZZA and then they only grew my love up greater when they said “here, put on crazy props and pose like a moron with your friends in our awesome photo booth of love!” Dear Freschetta: will you please marry me? Thanks.

I also throw heavy props to:

• Con Agra Foods – I think that I could probably forget to eat with all the excitement and hugging and the being a little bit dizzy from being out until 4 am the night before so thank you so much for making sure we ate well balanced foods while we were enjoying the conference that were flavorful, interesting, and totally delicious. (Will you please come to my house and make burritos for me? Come on, I’ll give you a foot rub. Okay, the truth is I’ll make my husband do that, but still. Free foot rub. Eh?)

• Lisa Leonard Designs: This woman is incredibly talented, massively loved, and so adorable you really have to restrain yourself from running up and hugging her until she breaks. Her jewelry is beautiful. Thanks for another amazing piece to treasure, Lisa.

photo of and by Mishelle Lane

• Dear Blue Bunny, I have LUSTED AFTER YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. I will marry Freschetta, but I must have your ice-creamy babies. I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party, if you know what I mean. And I think that you do. *salacious wink*

• Quaker Oats Company: They make the most delicious, energizing, fill-me up and get me going breakfast food that my son and I both love equally (which happens to be great, big boatloads of lovin’). In our home, Quaker Oatmeal = Yes, Please. This is one of my personal “fitness-health food-breakfast of champions” foods.

• Hallmark: Their cards are the thing I think about first when I hear the Hallmark name, and I love them, but they are so much more. For example, they have a recordable storybook (received in my Prep for Bliss package) that is going to bring my husband’s loving voice to my son at bedtime even when he’s out on the road (touring musician). For that, I thank them endlessly. And I might cry in a minute, so I’m movin’ on now.

• Purex: I used their free and clear detergent for years, and I’m a huge fan. I was introduced to the crystals at Blissdom – haven’t used them yet, but I have great expectations. Of note: their rep at the conference was one of the most delightful people I spoke to all day (and that’s saying a lot at an event like this) so KUDOS to them on hiring fantastic people to represent them and speak with compassion and humor, on a personal level, with prospective clients/consumers.

Smiles from my swag bag:

• Vintage Pearl – I have another lovely necklace to treasure! This delicate and meaningful piece will be well worn before long.

• Unilever’s Dove Ultimate Nectarine & Ginger Deodorant – It’s tiny, which makes me squee (don’t judge me, I love miniature and travel sized packages of happy), but also smells like win and works fantastically. Thumbs up.

• Kleenex Tissue! Finally a blogging conference has tissues in the swag bag! Dude, you know we are ALL GOING TO CRY AT SOME POINT during this thing. You know that, right? RIGHT??? Trust me. We are all going to cry AT LEAST ONCE AT THIS THING. Amen to tissues on hand.

• Dear Jockey, you gave me a pair of tiny underwear that fits on my foot.  You also gave me $20 off any order with free shipping, AND provided an opportunity for me to act like a pompous ass on the “red carpet” one night. Need I say more? Mad love.

photo by mooshinindy

Thank you to all the sponsors who helped support the Blissdom experience. You help pull off an experience I look forward to more and more with each passing year, and I am truly thankful to you for that.

For a complete list of sponsors, please visit this page.

i am all things to all people. on Google. especially the perverts.

I’ve had some good fun with this here website, my friends, you better believe it.  Oh yes, I’ve celebrated my son’s life, I’ve talked about both fabulous and hard moments of parenting, I’ve embarrassed my husband. (Yes, embarrassing your husband is good, fun times. And hell, he makes it SO EASY.  What with saying things like this.  But I digress.)

And of course, I’ve talked to and met so many of you, learned about you, and built wonderful friendships.

But today I’m going to let you in on another part of having this website that enriches my life.

Keyword searches.

I am endlessly entertained by checking my web stats to see what web searches lead to this site.  Now, some of them, I will admit, make me want to vomit.  I’m going to spare you specifics on these, but if I could find the people who were entering them into a computure somewhere, sterilization would be in order.

With a rusty fork.

When I can get beyond the TRULY DISGUSTING AND DEPRAVED searches, there are the mild perverts.  I imagine these are the kind of winners who “bump” against you “by accident” on the subway.

They land on my page by searching:

• nipple pleasure
• moms with nice racks
• naked wrestling
• mom crotchless
• nut in my mouth
• mom peeing
• slap me around
• bunchy vagina (W. T. F.)

To whomever searched “i put my mascara in my vagina” – STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.  There are things that just shouldn’t be inserted in certain areas.  I THINK YOU’VE DISCOVERED ONE OF THOSE COMBINATIONS.

And whoever searched “big fat and ugly” I hate you.

But then there are the searches that just make me laugh.  A few recent examples:

• i want to shave my face off
• jello farts
• bitch perfume
• im going to eat your uterus
• can you put chocolate on the head of a penis

This is really just a small sampling, and only from the past four days or so.  I’m sure you can now see why this is so amusing to me.

Incidentally, my top three search terms for the past year?

1. sarcastic mom
2. best push up bra
3. bewbs

Numbers 1 and 3 are completely understandable, right? Right.

And number 2?  Oh, you have no idea how glorious it is for me to claim that lovely search term.  You may or may not remember this post about that earlier this year.  Go ahead, read it.  It’s funny, and it will give you insight into this push up bra business.

Guess what, PR Asshat?  You can #suckit.  I might still be on the second page of hits for “best push up bra” but I think you and I both know that I still win this round.  So eat me.

Of course, that post bought me top 3 ranking for both searches: “asshats who should die” and “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.” *cough*

*awkward silence*

(please feel free to stop and confirm that I actually *am* the number one search return on Google for “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe,” it’s okay, I understand the urge to do this. go ahead. laugh. Now laugh even harder when you see I’m hits number 1 AND 2. get it out of your system)

(PS: no really, DOESN’T THAT RULE!?)

Continuing!  To the person who recently searched “getting him off with your bare feet,” here’s my advice:  since making him a sandwich and getting him a beer with your feet is going to be pretty hard, just go ahead and cheat and use your hands on those ones. But using your big toe to turn on the TV on Superbowl Sunday should be pretty easy.  Unless you’re a fucking moron.  Or, you know, you don’t have feet.  In which case the search would be pointless and you’re wasting my time and yours.

Only other thing I can think of is you wanting to get him off the couch, in which case, two feet planted squarely on his back in a sudden power thrust should do the job nicely.  I mean really, sometimes you just want to watch Keifer Sutherland, er, I mean 24, alone.

What?  Wait, we’re not talking about putting our feet on naked wiener are we?  Oh, good grief.  Really?  This searcher must be the alter ego of the weirdo who Googled “gross wieners on your body” the other day.  Right.

Of course, the best thing for me was noticing just yesterday that a search for “wife is a bitch” landed someone on my site.  Now, if that was John, we can congratulate Google for 100% Success in returning accurate hits to sites from searches.

All in all, the whacked out nutjobs out there with access to a computer are giving me a bit of free entertainment.  And I like it.  Thanks, ya fuckin’ head-cases.  I owe ya one.  Maybe I’ll even write a post one day for the person who wanted to know, “can I use the diva cup for military training” because that is IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Clearly.

All Hail Super Hot, Sexy And Awesome Tech Nerds

They have now returned me to my regularly scheduled Internet Addiction program by replacing the power source in my Dell.  I picked up the computer containing its nice, new power supply on Tuesday night.

Sorry I waited so long to let you guys know… I’ve been cuddling and snuggling with it privately for a day or so now.  Making sure it knows how much I love it.  (Even while I secretly forge plans to purchase a Mac Laptop behind its back. Shhhhh.)

By the way – Super Kudos to my own husband for making that exact diagnosis over the phone the day the failure first occurred when I called him to freak out about it. More Super Kudos to those of you who also correctly diagnosed the actual problem – Lisa, Michell’s husband, Lou, Sarah, Yam, Stephanie, Becky, Momma Mary, and beautifulmess . You are all computer geniuses. Someone should pay you! But not me. I’m saving all my $$ for Asian Porn. Sorry.

The Awesome Tech Nerd who helped me with my compie even made friendly jokes about the rather shrill, seemingly endless screaming that was emanating from the area of a certain stroller directly to my right while he was wrapping things up and getting the bill of sale in order for me.

Seriously. He made happy, silly, sweet jokes to Braden instead of clapping his hands over his ears and running away while the blood poured through his fingers and he cried out, “I just can’t take it anymore, God, Please give me the sweet release of DEATH!!!”

Oh, wait, that’s just what I always end up wanting to do. *nervous laugh*

Anyway, he was a really nice Tech Nerd who has kids and grandkids, so he gets both computers and parenting issues. See? Super Hot, Sexy and Awesome. He’s the one who ran to help me through the door yesterday when he saw me struggling with a stroller in one hand and a computer under the other arm. And he didn’t even let me think about trying to get everything to the car by myself. He took the computer and carried it out for me, placing it inside the vehicle. Then he said goodbye to Braden, giving him a kind little rub on the back while Braden screamed, “BYE-BYE! BYE-BYE!!! BYE.BYE.BYE.BYE.BYE BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEE!!!!”

Of course, it wasn’t free. I thought about offering to touch his no-no spot, and all, like I said before, but it really seemed inappropriate. Braden was there, after all. So I paid money. It hurt, but like they say, it hurt so, so good.

By the way, I really do get the Ultimate Assholes of the Universe Award -

(the one I tried giving to that Asshat Internet Marketing Specialist, only to end up on the top of that Google Search myself. That’s how I roll.)

- because you know what? You know how several of you advised me to buy an external hard-drive to back up all my documents in the future, etc. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. We already have one. It’s huge, too. And we’ve had it for MONTHS. Had I taken the time to move ONE THING to it yet?

NO! BIG FAT, STINKY NO! (Yah, I suck all the balls.)

Guess what I will be doing pronto?

All in all, I’m really glad to be up and running again on a computer that’s not farting at me or handing out rude taunts.

I’m the only one around this household who’s allowed to terrorize others by those methods, thank you very much.

Best push up bra? Really?

Let me start out by saying that most of the time I really don’t mind getting PR emails. In fact, the large majority of the time, they are pleasant and interesting, and sometimes they are actually really great fun. I am able to, for example, pass on freebies to you guys over here, and/or get to try something out myself and offer a review. Because of these opportunities, I enjoy receiving PR pitches. But seriously, I’m still a person, and if you’re going to send these types of emails to bloggers, please figure out how to frame them. (Not sending out pure CRAP also helps.)

I received this email recently:

Hello, my name is [name withheld by Sarcastic Mom] and I am an internet marketing specialist. I was looking at websites under the keyword best push up bra and came across your website http://sarcasticmom.com. I see that you’re not ranked on the first page of Google for a best push up bra search.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of why you’re ranked this low but more importantly how easily correctable this is.

There’s no reason you can’t have a top three ranking for the keyword best push up bra based on your site structure and content. You have a very nice site.

You need significantly more one way anchor text backlinks. If you’re interested I can help you with this…

I’m talking about getting you ranked for ALL your keywords. Adding new backlinks on a steady and consistent basis from high PR quality websites is what produces the rankings you are looking for http://sarcasticmom.com.

The right kind of links are very critical in getting top ranking….and I can hand deliver these quality links to you.

My partners and I own 1000′s websites and offer private linking to hundreds of website owners just like yourself.

I didn’t send this email out to very many people but I am currently reaching out to a list of your ‘keyword competitors’ as well. But I do favor your website because I can see your website monetizing the targeted website traffic the keyword best push up bra can deliver.

I have your contact information and phone number. Is it ok if I give you a call?

I have a very simple way to prove that what I do works and it’s risk free for you to try. Nothing beats seeing the results with your own eyes

Is it ok if I give you a call? I would love to pursue this further over the phone with you or should I go somewhere else?

Sincerely,

[Name and Phone Number withheld by Sarcastic Mom]

Dear Asshat Internet Marketing Specialist,

I thought about just replying directly to you via email, but since you are such a faithful reader of my website, http://sarcasticmom.com, I thought I’d just post my response to you here. You won’t miss it, right? Besides, I feel the need to share this with others. Call me crazy.

First of all, I know that quite a few people come to my website via some type of “boob” keyword search. And really, that’s my fault for talking about glorious boobs all the time. I don’t care too much one way or another – I talk about what I feel like talking about, blahblahblah, etc. But I can assure you that I do NOT stay awake at night worrying about whether I am on the front page of Google results for “best push up bra.”

I mean, sometimes I can’t sleep because I don’t seem to be able to make it on the front page of Google results for “most awesome person in the universe,” and that one really DOES perplex me, for obvious reasons. I’ll even admit to being a little jealous that I don’t show up at the top of the results for “hot asian porn,” but that might have something to do with the fact that I’m not “hot” or “asian” and I don’t offer “porn” on this website.

Oh, yeah… I also don’t sell or own the “best push up bra.” Or even CARE what that might be. Do you think that has something to do with all that crap you mentioned about me not being on the top of the Google results for that keyword search? Call me stupid, but I think I may have stumbled upon something.

I have to admit that I wondered briefly if your whole email was just a passive aggressive insult aimed at The Rack. I mean, it looks nice when I photograph it well, but, let’s face it… Twin Beaver Tails over here. So, I’m wondering if you’re SUGGESTING that I might need to go LOOK at the search results for “best push up bra” and make purchases accordingly? If so, thanks for your concern, but also? Eff you.

Oh, and just for the record, using my freakin’ blog URL as my NAME? And then suggesting that you have my phone number and asking if it’s okay to call? That put your RIGHT on the list of Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.

Congratulations.

But I’m REALLY confused at why you don’t show up on the front page of results for that or for “asshats who should die.” Clearly, Google has made an error.

Sincerely,

http://sarcasticmom.com

PS: Anyone with a computer or a phone book can look up a phone number when they have someone’s full name. Only a *insert your favorite expletive* wouldn’t actually USE that person’s name when sending them correspondence. FYI.