mapping the vault of memories

Children laugh a lot. It is a beautiful thing.

A few nights ago, I heard my son laugh from upstairs. The laughter tinkled merrily down the stairs from up high to down where I was standing in the kitchen. It was the laugh of a four year old – giddy, unrestrained, and in those chucklesome, high-pitched, and somehow fairy-like tones that only children that young can achieve.

That night I heard the free, sincere, heartfelt laughter of my son, and I had a thought, suddenly. It hit me without consideration and washed over me harshly. It did not care what I was doing when it came on, or where it would leave me after it fled into the night beyond me.

And the thought was this:

There will come a day when I will not be so privileged as to hear that sound anymore as a common occurrence in my life, my day to day What Is, my moments possible to take for granted (even though I don’t want to). There will come a time when that laugh does not even exist anymore.

There will be a day when forever more I will not be able to hear that sound. His laughter will still be accessible to me (sometimes) but it will never sound that way again. It will become lost forever in the vault, deep and wide and sometimes difficult to navigate, that contains my lifetime of memories.

And memories have this awful way of fading and being so hard to recall in a tangible way, so hard to truly feel in the same way as they were once experienced.

I stood there, at the foot of the stairs, frozen in that moment. I stood there, playing that brief sound over and over in my head, savoring it. I was all alone, and may have nearly appeared catatonic in that moment of true consideration and revelation.

Braden may never know that he’s ever done something so simple but so incredibly and effortlessly meaningful that it captivated his mother so greatly. He might not realize that she once stood quietly relishing the joyous beauty of a 3 second laugh he uttered about a little bit of something more than nothing that faded into the night without him giving it another passing thought.

When I write these moments, it is like I’m drawing a map to put up on the inside of that vault, so that when I dive into it later, so much later, maybe I can find these most important of thoughts and feelings, these memories of the most golden days, and hold them near me again for a few moments.

And I will know.

And now you do, too.

And then he was 4.

braden,

once upon a time on Valentines day I got a wonderful present

confirmation that you existed

the world has looked different every day since then

sometimes more fierce, sometimes softer, in spite of itself

because of you

the days have flown faster than I ever knew they could

and despite what I say about wanting you to slow down

i am also eager to see who you will be tomorrow

and the day after that

and the days and months and years after that

i know that before long

in fact
it will seem
like the blink
of an eye

i will have my answer

so many of these flying days will stack up against one another

that you will be a man

a man!

but for now I still get to be your hand holder and your scare chaser

your cheek kisser and your hair smoother

the one who you wake up in the morning and who puts you to sleep at night

and I get to sit by you at the table and watch you

as you flex your muscles while eating a carrot

your eyes lighting up with imagination and magic as you say

i will eat my vegables and then i will grow to be a strong, big daddy!

and then i will be a growned up!

right, mommy?

yes, baby
one day

but not yet today.

Happy Birthday, my beloved!
The world may sometimes seem fierce

but it will never be quite as fierce as you.

Love, Mommy

A sick day took him.

He didn’t need to take a sick day.  After all, he had nowhere to be, but with me. He had no way to call in sick, unless you count him coming up to me on Thursday afternoon, hands held out dramatically, with a glorious, thick streamer of snot hanging from his nose, saying, “Um. Mommy? I have a snot.”

Thursday night was full of the stuff nightmares are made of: he puked up part of his dinner because he was gagging on mucous, came to bed with me after his second screaming awakening made it clear I’d be running to his room all night long otherwise, kicked me repeatedly for the next 8 hours, woke at least once an hour screaming and crying, telling me it hurt and yelling “NO NO NO”, accused me of making his throat hurt (ouch, dude), refused to drink anything, and rounded it all out by peeing in the bed in the morning and then telling me to get up and make his breakfast.

I was so tired.  And so very grumpy.  Then, while I was peeling his wet underpants off of him, I suddenly smiled. I thought about how I had patted his back over and over again all night long. It reminded me so much of long nights when he was this little kid baby:

That was March ’08. I can’t believe it was that long ago. It seems like just yesterday.

But yesterday was forever ago. And it will never be again.

I looked at him, shivering before me after I got him out of the wet clothing. He looked back at me solemnly, and then reached his arms around my neck, climbing into my lap. He held on tight, snuggling his head into the curve of my neck, and we just rocked for a little while, together.

I mostly think that colds are from the very Devil himself; they are miserable, horrible things that torture us and make us feel as though a close cousin of death has crawled inside our faces and set up camp.  And when our kids are sick, it is the worst.  It is so awful to watch them suffer.

But sometimes I experience these tiny moments when I wonder if they are some kind of weird gifts to parents – obviously not in the times of worry and pain, but during those moments when our kids slow down and just want to be held again, loved again, rocked in our arms, or when they just nap in our laps again. These are gifts, even though given in sickness, and it is these little capsules of memories gone suddenly burst open, and a chance to teleport to another moment in time again, for just awhile, that make me smile even as he sniffles.

A sick day took him.

I was there where it delivered him, all day long.

Braden: “Mommy, I need to be fixed.”
Me: “You need to be fixed? Why, are you broken?”
Braden: “Yes, Mommy. I’m broken with sick.”

I am his designated fixer, and he is the spark of magic in my life.  I’m reminded, again, that whatever age he is right now, it’s my favorite one.

I am having a hurt.

I miss this time.

The further we go in, the more painfully aware I am of the no rewind button on my kid.

Totally still need that sticker on my forehead that says “appreciate today.”

(And pie, I really, really need chocolate pie. But that is another story entirely. I think I just cheapened this post? Fuck it. I’m sorry.)

A whole bunch of random crap all at once. You’re welcome.

• I posted a review of this Wired Sea Cuff on my review blog – cleverly named: lotus reviews. I know, I know – my creativity astounds you.  The post is a giveaway post, so go find out what I think of the Wired Sea Cuff and then enter to win $50 to spend at Studio Jewel. (Ends TODAY 9pm CST)

(Coming up, I’ll be running review/giveaway posts about 2 different camera bags, as well. Keep your eye on the review blog if that kind of thing interests you. Subscribe here.)

• Because I know so many of you dig photography, I also wanted to tell you about a fun meme that a couple of my friends are doing.  It’s called “The Flip Side” and it gives you an opportunity to share a self portrait – reflection, shadow, or classic type portrait – every week.  This is a great incentive to practice the art of the self portrait if you want to increase your photography skill.  I am going to be playing along.

• The September issue of Room 704 is up. The theme is “Educate.”  I write/edit on that website, and I’ve got 3 posts there this issue, including one that basically outlines what a moron I was in grad school.  It’s fun to self deprecate.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

• I’m still running like a mofo. I’m currently using the Bridge to 10K app (picks up where C25K left off and trains you from 5K to 10K level).  Running makes me feel powerful and strong.  Yes. It is hard.  But POWERFUL! and STRONG!  Also, my legs look insanely better than I think they ever have before.  EVER.  So there’s that.

If you want to stay apprised of all the fitness nonsense I get up to, join me on Dailymile.

• I’m going to be running the Austin, TX Komen Race for the Cure on November 7th.  I’ll be talking about that here again more between now and then, but for now, I’d like to ask you to go ahead and think about sponsoring me.  I’d really like to raise a good chunk of money.

• Oh, and my kid is apparently in training to be a shoplifter.  Go figure.

Happy Thursday!

Bewb Fest ’10 Winners!

It’s been another great Festival! I’d like to thank all the entrants for the great mammaries. And memories. Mammories?  You guys are awesome and without you, there would be no Bewb Fest.  Thanks for putting it all out there!  My love for you is overflowing.  You make me bouncy with joy – I just might bust.  No really, you’ve racked up great amounts of admiration from me.  (Ok, ok, no more bewbie puns.)

And thank YOU – everyone who visited and voted. We’ve raised a nice little chunk for Susan G. Komen for the Cure®, and remember that all July Blogher Ad Revenue will be donated, so keep visiting until the end of the month!

I’d also like to thank our fantastic sponsors:

Lingerie.com, Bare Necessities,  Eden Fantasys and NippleCharms.com

They care enough about bewbies to step up and make Bewb Fest ’10 even more fun and exciting with some great prizes, so please visit them and show them some love.

Our BEWBs Winner is: #33, Diane Bramos / @pilateschik

First Runner Up: #30, Angelia of Mommy Needs Meds

Second Runner Up: #05, Veronica of Veronica Foale

And because all bewbies deserve a chance at a prize for being brave enough to bounce on the web:

Wild-Card Winner: #36, MommyNamedApril of April’s Little Family

Wild Card Winner is drawn using the random integer generator from the pool of those left after Winner, 1st RU & 2nd RU were identified by the results of the poll.

MEWBS Winner is: #04, Coderblues

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There, now wasn’t that fun?  YES, YES IT WAS.

And please remember that ALL JULY Blogher Ad Revenue will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®, so *please* keep visiting until the end of the month!

And stay tuned for me to talk about how you can be reminded of next year’s Bewb Fest in time to submit your entry, as well as my pledge to raise money and run in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure in Austin, TX this November!

<3BEWBS

BEWB FEST ’10

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – no, not Christmas…

it’s time for BEWB FEST!

We get to enjoy nature’s bountiful chest selection… and raise money to fight breast cancer in the process. A big thanks to @shutterblog for putting a bug in my brain last year about donating ad revenue for good. *ALL* my BH Ad Revenue for July is going to go to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®. This will become an annual tradition for the month that Bewb Fest runs.

Bring page loads to this site this month if you want to drive that number up. And please consider donating directly to Susan G. Komen – many people only think about this in October, but we need to give cancer the finger all year long.

Remember to see the scoop on prizes and check out BF10 Sponsors, button up, and then make your vote count here (below) for your favorite BEWBs/MEWBs of your fellow internet denizens.

Without further ado, I present the BEWBS and then the MEWBs…

Thanks so much to the following BEWB Contestants:

@TalinaN of Harvest of Daily Life
Agentninety9 of Worn Off Novelties
Amber of A Drifting Mind
Angelia of Mommy Needs Meds
Angie of A Whole Lot of Nothing
Beej of The Bean
Bryn of The Unbearable Bearableness
Califmom of Califmom
Chantel of Chantelligence
Chantelle (photo mommy) of photo mommy
Carol / @Cheeky_Geek
Casey of moosh in indy.
Dawn of Kaiser Mommy
Dawn / @pgoodness of Pgoodness
Denise of Musician’s Widow
Diane Bramos / @pilateschik
Elissa of Punk Rock Parents
Habbala of Habbala
Janet Isserlis of there might be cake
Jen of Tropical Fruit
Jenny of Miss Grace’s Disgrace
Karianna of The Karianna Spectrum
Lady Red
Lauren / @laurencarlton of Mommy is Rock ‘n Roll
Lcool
Lyssa / @sixesandseven of Catastrophically Lyssa
Maria Myrback of Boobcast
Malia of Just Malia
Mandi Bone / @princessmama of Mandibone’s Blog
Maria Melee of Mommy Melee
Megan of Kitsch in the Kitchen
Meg @sleepynewmommy of Sleepy New Mommy
MommyNamedApril of April’s Little Family
Mr. Goodwrench’s Lady
Padme
Piper of Piper of Love
SadieCass of Redefining Perfect
Terra of Raising Zoeyjane
Texan Mama of Who Put Me In Charge Of These People???
Tina of Send Chocolate Now
Usedtobeme of Why are you Stalking Me?
Veronica of Veronica Foale
Vicky of Secret Mom Thoughts
Vixen of Vixen’s Den

(list in alphabetical order – does NOT match the order of BEWB photos)

Voting Poll follows these BEWBalicious photos… You can pick up to THREE Pair of BEWBS each time, and you can vote as often as you like* through July 21st.  Come back often, and tell your friends!

Thanks so much to the following MEWB Contestants:

Adam Avitable of Avitable
bender69
CoderBlues
Josh of Raging Dad
Tim of The Inflatable Soapbox

(list is in alphabetical order – does NOT match the order of MEWB photos)

Voting Poll follows the MEWBtastic Chestiness… Pick your favorite MEWBS and you can vote as often as you like* through July 21st.  Come back often, and tell your friends!

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Don’t forget to display a button to support BEWB Fest ’10 and help increase the amount to be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®.

Please share via your blog, email, Twitter, Facebook and yelling madly on street corners.  If you have a bus, consider shrinkwrapping it with the URL of this post.  No, really.  Come on. Please?

Bottom line:  The more traffic you drive to the site this month, the higher the amount I can donate.

Please note that this now annual Bewb Fest developed independently and with no prior knowledge of Boobiethon, and is not meant to copy, diminish, or devalue the work that is being done there.

*I have placed no restriction on the number of times you can vote. There is a blurb on the Polldaddy website that mentions that you may get a message indicating you are blocked for a time period >> “This is because we have received too many votes from your I.P. address. You will be unblocked again in about 4 hours.” No verbage on how many is too many. So just roll with it, and please don’t complain to me if you hit the wall.

Bewb Fest ’10 – Call for Submissions!

It’s that time of year, my friends.  Oh, yes.

I’m calling the bewbs out to play.

We’re going to use our chests to fight breast cancer, my friends.
(see below for details.)

It’s time for BEWB Fest 10!

Bewb Fest ’10 is waiting in the wings, just around the corner, and that means you need to dress up those tatas in their best ‘ready for my close-up’ threads and send me a photo.

Confused?  Visit the Bewbs Page on my website and scroll down to the links about Bewb Fest.  There you can ogle all the fantastic photos read up on the history of Bewb Fest.

Last year, a separate MEWBs Category was added and this tradition will continue.  What are MEWBS? Man Boobs, Pecs, Male Chest… get the idea?  As long as I get at least 3 entries for MEWBs, we’ll have this category again.

All sizes and types of BEWBs/MEWBs are welcome and appreciated here.

That means don’t you dare say yours aren’t good/large/whatever enough.

Yes. They. Are.

So get out your camera and photograph your dirty pillows, ladies. Shine up that lens and snap a good one of your pec area, dudes.

And then send those suckas to me via bewbfest@gmail.com

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Rules for Photo Submission:

1. BEWBs need to be tastefully covered in some way. This ain’t no nipple show, ladies. Sorry.

2. Yes, it is okay to send a breastfeeding photo, if you still fall within all the other rules. Bewbs are hawt AND functional, and there needn’t be a separation in those instances.

3. MEWBs can be covered or uncovered. Yes, we are all about double standards here at BEWB Fest. Deal with it or #suckit.

4. Please send me only ONE photo of your BEWBs/MEWBs. I know you are a gifted photographer, and your chestal area looks awesome from many angles. Choose your favorite and send me that one.

5. Please make sure your photograph is no larger than 550px wide, and no smaller than 300px wide. Please, good quality.

6. No text anywhere on the photo, please!

7. I’m sure your face is what dreams are made of. Let us dream. NO CONTESTANT FACES IN PHOTOS!

8. Your email to bewbfest@gmail.com should include: your photo, your preferred name/screen identity, your blog name and URL (if you have one)

9. No submissions accepted after July 10, 2010. Don’t put it off until the last minute!

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Prizes!

Oh, and are you wondering what the winners of this year’s Bewb/Mewb Fest will be receiving as a prize for their hard work willingness to let us have a gander? You’re probably dying to know.  Well…

Lingerie.com, Bare Necessities, and Eden Fantasys are sponsoring Bewb Fest ’10 – click over to the Sponsors/Prizes Page to find out the awesome details!

And because bewbies are not only fun to look at, but also attached to women we’d all like to save (so that we can look at their bewbies some more because everyone deserves a chance to live as long as they possibly can), all Blogher ad revenue for the month of July will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®, “the world’s largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists.” It doesn’t have to be October for us to make donations, so if you can spare some dollah-dollahs, it’s a good cause to support in June or July, too. Please consider donating.

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I will take photo submissions through July 10, 2010. Voting will open on July 12, 2010 and run through July 21st.  The winners will be announced on July 22nd, 2010.

Now go go go, photograph those bewbies/mewbies!

And remember to tell your friends.

Still have questions?  Email me at bewbfest@gmail.com