Confessions of a Preggie

• Being an “Internet Pee Holder” has never been more difficult. (You know you do it, too.)
• I want to take eleventy-seven naps a day. Braden is getting sick of the closet.
• The nausea is fading now (Booyah!) and I never threw up. And I want to eat all day long. Bring on the fatness, oh yeah, baby. (I am NOT a skinny pregnant woman.)
• I really, really need to do Kegels. Pee-Pee Leaky No Sexay.
• Everything makes me cry. All shows which involve danger to a baby should be banned or I might die. Dog food commercials and grocery store fliers are even a danger, for crying out loud.
• When you are reeeeee-heeeee-leeeeee tiiiiired, shaving is SO overrated. If you don’t do it for a month, look like a freaking APE, and your husband literally tells you that’s disgusting, you should continue to not do it just out of spite. Even if you were totally about to do it the next day. Asshole.
• It is evil to be pregnant around Halloween. I HATE ALL the trick-or-treaters who DIDN’T come to my house, and left me with all the candy, which, by law, I am forced to consume myself now.
• I don’t drink caffeine during the first trimester. Just my thing. But I WOULD KILL FOR SOME COFFEE, OMG, I MIGHT CRY SOON.
• John looked at me wrong several times this past couple of months. I have devised at least 4 fool-proof ways of killing him such that no one could ever discover his remains. Unfortunately, he does not have a life insurance policy. Tooooootal murder buzz-kill.
• My boobs were one of the first things to “symptom up” with Braden. This time, no soreness… until NOW. Thanks, Braden, for tweaking my nipple and leading me to this tender discovery.
• Oh, and yeah, The Rack Is Expanding. Bow-Chicka.
• Unfortunately, so is my ass. Badonka.

I like banana wheat, with syrup.

Fat floats.

We all know this, right? Fat, a lipid, is less dense than water… so it floats.

I know this. I really do.

But I was still excited at the astonishing sight I beheld in the bathtub Sunday night.

I filled the tub higher than usual, and sunk myself all the way in, hoping that the water would wash away all the deadlines I’ve been facing lately…

Or maybe just drown me so I didn’t have to meet them?

I had my eyes closed… and when I opened them, I saw that part of my body was not submersed entirely.

Two parts, to be exact.

AND THE HEAVENS PARTED AND A GLORIOUS LIGHT SHONE UPON THE EARTH, AS THE ANGELS SANG!

What a vision to behold! It was like seeing my perky, 2005 BEWBS! I wanted to say to them… “Oh, 2005 bewbs, how I have missed you! The way you didn’t drag on the floor and bump against my ankles, it was like magic. You knew how to make a girl feel young… with your distinct ability to not have gross stretch marks and your complete lack of loud, slapping noises when I ran or jumped without a bra on.

Oh, pre-pregnant, pre-nursing 2005 BEWBS! Where have you been all this time!?”

But it was just a façade.

Please, make sure you try this yourself. But don’t be the fool that I was.

DO NOT LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE FREE-HANGING-MEAT AS YOU’RE GETTING OUT OF THE TUB.

Just hold onto the vision, the memory… the floaty, fake-perky boobies. It’s okay to pretend.

Ah. Think I’ll make pancakes for breakfast… for some reason I can’t get the thought of flapjacks out of my head.

The BEWBS Just Keep Showing Up

The Travelling T-Shirt is on the way to its next Bloggie Stop: Kaiser Mommy.

Dawn is the owner of the Fabulous Rack (BEWBS!) that all of you wonderful readers voted as best.

CONGRATULATIONS, DAWN!

Official Acceptance Speech From Dawn:

I’d like to thank the academy of wonderful Sarcasticmom.com readers who voted for me, my husband for always offering to hold mah bewbs for me when the load is too heavy, my son for encouraging me to carry him all the time to build my arm muscles, I’d like to thank God for um … blessing? …. me with porn star dimensions naturally, I’d like to thank contestant #12 for giving me such a run for my money – I voted for you, you HAWT thing! and finally, (music plays …) I’d like to thank my Panache Tango II Superbra for supporting me all these years! Thank You All!

Let’s not forget our 2 fabulous runners up!  Congratulations, BEWBS Ladies!

Second Place: Nikki, Secrets of a Black Heart

Third Place: Tena, My Therapy

Now, I may be a total assbrain for so many reasons, they would not even fit on this page to think it would be a prize for someone to guest post here.  But I’d love to harass these three fine ladies into guest posting… you know, so that we can get to know them a bit more now that you have all given them accolades for their, um, obvious endowments.

What do you say?  Let’s get to know the BRAINS behind our winning BEWBS!

An honorable mention goes to a sweet, sassy, and silly friend of mine, Angie, who didn’t want to be considered since she’s not officially blogging yet.  Instead, she just wanted to send me her Bouncin’ Preggo BEWBS just for fun.  Everyone needs a friend like that, right?

Here’s her Rack:

On to the next bit of BEWBS Business.  (Have you noticed yet how much I like to type, “BEWBS?”)

There was a slight BEWB Mishap in putting together the Best Chest Voting Post.  EEEEK!

These BEWBS got lost in my inbox!

And these BEWBS got eaten by my website’s Spam Filter!

It is SO very sad when BEWBS lose their way. *sniff*

In order to make it up to these BEWBS, I’m offering “You Didn’t Even Have A Chance, And That’s Not Fair!” consolation prizes to their owners.  Each will receive a Brookstone Floating Photo Frame.

How does it work?

It’s Magic, Dummy. Just like a fine rack.

Last bit of BEWBS Business (for now):

These BEWBS…

…made me laugh so.very.much.

And the fabulous woman (“Mr. Lady“) who owns them has so many creative words of wonderfulness and hilarity on a regular basis that if you’re not subscribed to her website, you are missing out, and should go over there and do that.  Now.

For veritably choking me with laughter when I saw her last minute entry into the Best Chest Contest, I am going to give the owner of those BEWBS what she needs.  A T-Shirt.

A John Carroll T-Shirt.

Kudos to the designer

These are no longer manufactured, baby, so that’s a collectors item.

Thank you again to all the wonderful contestants who were willing to humor me and entertain you by submitting their upper torsos!  You guys rock!

Sleepless Nights
Frog Ponds Rock
Memarie Lane
Growing A Pair
beggar’s shot glass
The Busy Dad Blog
mommycosm
Adam’s Wife’s Weblog
Immoral Matriarch
calicobebop
Special K
Secrets of a Black Heart
Mommy Is Moody
From Here To There
My Therapy
Lilac Colored Glasses
My Life as a Hotfessional
Alex Year Two
Firecracker Mom!
Cyberbones
Draco’s Rose
Knitting Without Needles
Pictures Taken By Me
Welcome to Married Life
shamelessly sassy
Redefining Perfect
Whiskey In My Sippy Cup

Keep yourself abreast (*teehee*) of all that’s happening with The Travelling T-Shirt by subscribing to Lightning Online!

And to the BEWB haters, *gasp!* don’t worry…  I’ll start writing actual non-BEWB posts again soon.

Check Out My Rack

It has never looked finer than it does right now, with one of these badass shirts gracing it!

I know what you might be thinking.

“But Lotus, your rack is splendid every day!”

While this may be true, you cannot deny the added glory of the LTDchix shirt.

Have you seen these shirts? GO LOOK AT THEM.

And GUESS WHAT!?

You have the chance to win one.*

That’s right. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post, and by the end of the week, one of you lucky commenters will be randomly chosen to win a free LTDchix shirt! You get to choose the one you like and the lovely ladies of LTDchix (Nina and Cindi) will send it to you, free of charge. (does not include the thermals, sorry!)

These shirts really make a statement that any mom can identify with.

If you’re a mom, you’ll love them! If you’re not a mom, I guarantee that you know a mom that would love one – win her Christmas present now!

Moms:
Remember when you were pregnant for the first time, and dreaming of the wonderful motherhood journey you would experience? You were going to have a little bundle of joy and raise and nurture him/her to be a happy, loving child… living happily ever after, etc…

Then reality set in. Now you’re wise to the Pooperiffic, Drooly, Screamalicious truth of it all!

You juggle seventy-three hundred things in your head at once, never sleep, and have dirty laundry shooting out your butt.

You are/will be a nanny, maid, wetnurse, cook, bus boy, chauffer, dispute resolution advisor, janitor, nurse, and more!

The fairy-tail dream you once had sometimes feels like a nightmare.

Once you’re ACTUALLY a mom, you realize what a fantasy you were mentally creating for yourself while you were pregnant. But the great thing is, that even once your fantasy is completely obliterated, it’s still the best life you’ve ever lived!

Truly Amazing.

That is what these shirts celebrate. With one of them on, you can show everyone that you’re “Living the Dream!”

And now let’s close with another look at my rack.

PS: Mention this giveaway in a post and link it back to this one, and get entered twice!**

Squish a Boobie

I thought this was cute, and the message is important.

So, you know… Squish a boobie, guys.

(Thanks to “di” on Myspace for this!)

The Great Breast-Fest or Facebook Blows

Yesterday I was reading Veronica‘s latest blog “The Great Booby Fest” over at her blogsite, Sleepless Nights. I learned that apparently Facebook has gone and removed pictures of women breastfeeding from user accounts on their site.

From ‘League of Maternal Justice:

[On October 10 at 10am, women around the US and Canada and - we hope - the world will breastfeed for justice. We'll nurse our babies or bottle-feed our babies or reminisce about doing either of those things and we'll post pictures and video, all together, and let the world know that there is no shame, only power, in caring for our children.

Spread the word by placing a button on your blog, and then set up your web cam to live broadcast on your blog on October 10 at 10am (your time). If you don't have a web cam, but have a video recorder, post some breastfeeding video! Load it up on YouTube and tag it "The Great Virtual Breast Fest" on October 10!]

Read the blogs at that site. See the whole story. It’s ridiculous. (There wasn’t even breast showing in the original banned photo.)

The woman that writes this blog: One Small Step for Breastfeeding…. is the one that had her photo banned and her ACCOUNT DELETED originally, but Facebook has continued deleting breastfeeding pictures now. (But they don’t even ban pedophiles!)

The removal of these pictures is another example of our society not being willing to accept the MORE THAN wholesome images of women nurturing their young the way nature and God intended.

It’s sick that provocative ads slap you in the face no matter where you turn (billboards alongside the road, ads on buses, TV, magazines, online, etc), promoting sex and pushing the idea that women should look and act sexy (read: slutty) all the time. Most of the time, thin, yet big-busted women are seen in ads wearing provocative clothing which reveals cleavage and leggage, leading to assage. Imagery in movies and tv shows isn’t any better.

Of course, we should all STRIVE to look this way, and be morbidly depressed if we don’t. In fact, if you have an ass at all, by the way, you can’t find a decent pair of jeans unless you shop at the “Fat Store.” More on that another day.

What I’m getting at here is how Tits and Ass are pushed in our faces all the time in the most UN-wholesome manner, and yet, when a woman wants to breastfeed in public there is such an outcry that you’d think she was masturbating in front of a crowd instead of FEEDING HER BABY.

It’s not right. Do you hear me? It’s Stupid, Sad, and Sick.

What kind of culture are we to support a vision of women that does nothing but treat them like second-class citizens? We women are held to ideals about our bodies which are near to impossible to achieve, we are expected to pleasure men willingly, and yet, if we do, are labeled as “loose” or “easy” (read: fun to party with, but not to marry?) and when we try to do what is right by our offspring, our beloved children, we are insulted and treated like criminals.

Breastfeeding moms are made to feel like they are doing something dirty; they are frowned at and talked down to, pushed into proverbial dark rooms and expected to feed their children in bathrooms, of all places! Even people who agree that breastfeeding is in the best interest of the child will tell you that they have no desire for a woman to do that in their presence.

[By Janet Fuchs Jackson:

If a woman breastfeeds with her whole breast out of the shirt, there's someone in the room wishing she would pull the shirt down a little more.

If she pulls her shirt down a little more, there's someone in the room wishing she would put a blanket over her side boob, or cleavage.

If she blankets her boob, there's someone wishing she would put the blanket over the baby's head.

If she blankets her baby, there's someone wishing she was in the corner.

If she moves to the corner, there's someone wishing she would face the wall.

If she faces the wall, there's someone wishing she would leave the room.

Can't please 'em all, so do what feels right to YOU, I say. But regardless of how you do it, keep nursing, ladies.]

To have such a stigma on a thing that is so RIGHT is disgusting.

Please, whenever you have the chance to stand up for Breastfeeding Moms, do it. Support them, and their children, whenever you can.

Please don’t think that you can’t offer your support if you’re not breastfeeding, or if you don’t have children. ANYONE can offer their support. Let’s make a difference whenever we can, as a society!

If you’d like to put a button, like this one:

 

Or even:

or one of the others, on your site, blog, or anywhere else, you can get the codes for them here.

If you’re a member of Facebook, and you’d like to join the protest group there, it’s at: Facebook Protest Group. You’ll have to login, of course.

And don’t forget the “Breast Fest” on October 10th, @ 10am!

Facebook needs to know that when there’s a picture of a mom breastfeeding her child, this is no different than a picture of a mom (or dad!) feeding, nurturing, or loving a child in any other way. Let’s tell ‘em.