Rock ‘N Roll All Night

The Boy definitely drove us wild last night.

Last night can only be described as:

HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS THE SUCKIEST NIGHT EVER.

Well, actually, I can remember much worse nights, in the beginning, when Braden was singing like he was auditioning for The Opera from 10pm to 4am, nonstop. And that was definitely worse.

And he didn’t even get the part.

But last night was an out-of-the-blue ass-kicking.

When we were about to give The Boy his Bathie, he felt ‘too warm’ to us, so we took his temperature.

Rectally. I don’t know about you, but jamming something into my kid’s Pooper is one of my absolute favorite things to do. (I also like jamming scissors into my ear, putting my hand over an open flame, and stabbing myself in the eye with a sharpened stick.)

And, YAY! It was 100.7.Ruh-roh!

We instantly started The Panic Routine.

“What do you think is wrong with him? Should we call the doctor? He can’t have the flu! Does he feel too hot to you? Should we check on him again? What could possibly be wrong with him!?”He has been having Ultra-Mega-Baddie Teething just lately. I have read that sometimes kids run a fever when they teeth… granted, this has not occurred with Braden as of yet, but who’s to say it happens every time?

By the way, Molars = SUCK.

In fact, Molars have 2 purposes:

1) Grinding and tearing food.

2) Making a parent’s life a living hell.

Hi! I’m a Molar.

I originate in Hell!

Satan is my Master.

We gave him some baby Ibuprofen (Mmmmm, the brand name tastes best, apparently – thanks, Braden!), did the Bathie, and put him to bed feeling less warm.He cried out several times, and we checked on him periodically even when he didn’t cry out. Around 1am we checked on him and he felt normal to the touch. Woo-hoo!

Early “Woo-Hoo’s” are a bad idea.

We laid in bed talking, laughing, and acting like goofballs until 2am. That’s the Lotus & John Show, regularly scheduled. Then we decided to turn off the bedside light and go to sleep.

Lights off.Braden starts howling.

I’m gonna cut the story from Long, Whiny, and Boring to Somewhat Shorter, but Still Whiny:

He cried, whimpered, fussed, fidgeted… screamed. We gave him more Ibuprofen and changed his diaper. Got up with him over and over, eventually holding, rocking, singing… then putting him down and whispering, patting, rubbing.

No sleep for us until after 5am.

And then he still got up at 8am. You know, because he likes to “rock and roll all night, and party every day…”

Why did I give up drinking again?

Satan Created Teething

Yesterday and today have been lovely. Really.

On Sunday, Braden kept acting intensely clingy and cranky. You’d have thought someone had convinced him that if he acted as much like he was my ill-tempered, conjoined twin as was humanly possible, he’d win a bale of cotton candy. After several situations in which he melted down in a manner unlike him, I decided he must be having a teething session.

That afternoon, he picked up a toy, walked into the kitchen, and suddenly screamed, crumpling to the floor. He pushed his head into the linoleum and just cried. I was bewildered, and ran to get him. I assumed he was either in the process of sprouting horns, or must have just experienced some gum cutting. I checked his forehead, and saw nothing, so I decided it was the teething, and gave him some Acetaminophen.

At dinner that night, while he was opening wide for some Braden Burgers, I saw the new tooth. His lower, right lateral incisor had finally made an appearance. About time.

At bedtime, I gave him some Ibuprofen. He slept like a rock last night. Slept an hour later in the morning than usual, even. This behavior is a sign of the apocalypse. Or his body is going through a major overhaul. Considering all the talking he’s been doing lately, and the teething, it could be the latter.

Nah… I’m still thinking apocalypse.

Today was EVEN BETTER than yesterday. I thought (IDIOT.IDIOT.IDIOT) that he’d be much better today, since the tooth had broken the surface yesterday, and he’d had a lovely night of sleep.

HAHAHA!

I’m suspecting that the lower, right lateral incisor is causing him a lot of extra pain coming up, AND he’s also working on a lower, left cuspid. (I had to do some examining to come to this conclusion, which Braden thoroughly enjoyed. I almost had to use the Jaws of Life just to get in there.)

So, today, Braden basically decided that if he wasn’t at least 3 inches inside my butthole at all times, he was going to DIE.

It served me right, anyway, for wanting to do such ridiculous things.

Like pee when my bladder was full, or make myself something to eat.

OR BREATHE.

Activities that actually made him happy were things like yanking on my nose stud, flinging DVDs off the DVD tower, throwing his cup of apple juice across the kitchen, and whacking me in the face with his recorder flute.

I’m not stressed out about it at all.

But, I have decided that I don’t really want to put him in the closet when he’s like this, after all.

I want to go in there. Alone. And sleep.

Random Sharing, While in Agony

Kind of random and pointless post today, since my back is acting 159 years old again.

Something I did in the past few days (not sure what, exactly) has paid off by resulting in sciatic pain shooting down my leg yesterday morning, followed by tender, nervy pain in my lower back last night, and climaxing as serious, hobbling-type back pain for me all day today.

It has worsened as the day has worn on, no matter what I have done. Usually I can minimize the pain with a combination of Ibuprofen/Ice Gel Pack/Hydration/Rest. Today, the Back Pain Demon is having none of it.

So, I hobbled down the steep-ass driveway this morning to sweep up the mulch that some Butt Raper’s dog flung out of the flowerbed I’ve been nurturing alongside the driveway. If I see this happening again, I swear I’m going to run out there, bad back or not, and kick that freakin’ dog as hard as I can.

Then John mowed the lawn, since it was starting to look like no-one lived here, and a kid came to my door last week and asked me, “Can I, uh… mow your lawn for some money?”

John has been gone all this afternoon to do work on Chris Cagle‘s next album. He’s at Scott Hendricks’s studio, much to his delight. He’ll probably be there all night. Yay @ the work and the experience for John. Boo @ John being gone while I’m all decrepit.

Braden has been increasingly vocal in the past month, with a sharp upturn in the jabbering activity just this past week.

He’s been making a sound for some time that I SWORE was him asking “What’s this?” It sounds kind of like “Huh-Ish?” He confirmed my suspicions a few days ago when he held up his little, fake cell-phone and CLEARLY asked me, “Whas-tis?” He has said it semi-clearly only once more since then, but has been repeatedly making the “Huh-ish?” and now “Teh-Iss?” sounds while pointing, or staring, at something. It’s wonderful.

For the record, he’s been saying, “Dadada” for awhile. Sometimes it seems discriminate, sometimes it seems random. Today, twice, he’s whined, “Maaaaahh” to me in a needy way.

Also for the record, TEETHING SUCKS. I would like to petition Our Creator for a change in this process, ie: all teeth should arrive overnight, at one time.

Have I mentioned that my back hurts? Right now, it’s feeling like Satan’s Torture Playground Rehearsal Scene, in the movie, “Lotus: The Later Years.”

I need a nap. Where’s MY paci?

*grumble*

At least Braden’s having some fun today.

The Great Breast-Fest or Facebook Blows

Yesterday I was reading Veronica‘s latest blog “The Great Booby Fest” over at her blogsite, Sleepless Nights. I learned that apparently Facebook has gone and removed pictures of women breastfeeding from user accounts on their site.

From ‘League of Maternal Justice:

[On October 10 at 10am, women around the US and Canada and - we hope - the world will breastfeed for justice. We'll nurse our babies or bottle-feed our babies or reminisce about doing either of those things and we'll post pictures and video, all together, and let the world know that there is no shame, only power, in caring for our children.

Spread the word by placing a button on your blog, and then set up your web cam to live broadcast on your blog on October 10 at 10am (your time). If you don't have a web cam, but have a video recorder, post some breastfeeding video! Load it up on YouTube and tag it "The Great Virtual Breast Fest" on October 10!]

Read the blogs at that site. See the whole story. It’s ridiculous. (There wasn’t even breast showing in the original banned photo.)

The woman that writes this blog: One Small Step for Breastfeeding…. is the one that had her photo banned and her ACCOUNT DELETED originally, but Facebook has continued deleting breastfeeding pictures now. (But they don’t even ban pedophiles!)

The removal of these pictures is another example of our society not being willing to accept the MORE THAN wholesome images of women nurturing their young the way nature and God intended.

It’s sick that provocative ads slap you in the face no matter where you turn (billboards alongside the road, ads on buses, TV, magazines, online, etc), promoting sex and pushing the idea that women should look and act sexy (read: slutty) all the time. Most of the time, thin, yet big-busted women are seen in ads wearing provocative clothing which reveals cleavage and leggage, leading to assage. Imagery in movies and tv shows isn’t any better.

Of course, we should all STRIVE to look this way, and be morbidly depressed if we don’t. In fact, if you have an ass at all, by the way, you can’t find a decent pair of jeans unless you shop at the “Fat Store.” More on that another day.

What I’m getting at here is how Tits and Ass are pushed in our faces all the time in the most UN-wholesome manner, and yet, when a woman wants to breastfeed in public there is such an outcry that you’d think she was masturbating in front of a crowd instead of FEEDING HER BABY.

It’s not right. Do you hear me? It’s Stupid, Sad, and Sick.

What kind of culture are we to support a vision of women that does nothing but treat them like second-class citizens? We women are held to ideals about our bodies which are near to impossible to achieve, we are expected to pleasure men willingly, and yet, if we do, are labeled as “loose” or “easy” (read: fun to party with, but not to marry?) and when we try to do what is right by our offspring, our beloved children, we are insulted and treated like criminals.

Breastfeeding moms are made to feel like they are doing something dirty; they are frowned at and talked down to, pushed into proverbial dark rooms and expected to feed their children in bathrooms, of all places! Even people who agree that breastfeeding is in the best interest of the child will tell you that they have no desire for a woman to do that in their presence.

[By Janet Fuchs Jackson:

If a woman breastfeeds with her whole breast out of the shirt, there's someone in the room wishing she would pull the shirt down a little more.

If she pulls her shirt down a little more, there's someone in the room wishing she would put a blanket over her side boob, or cleavage.

If she blankets her boob, there's someone wishing she would put the blanket over the baby's head.

If she blankets her baby, there's someone wishing she was in the corner.

If she moves to the corner, there's someone wishing she would face the wall.

If she faces the wall, there's someone wishing she would leave the room.

Can't please 'em all, so do what feels right to YOU, I say. But regardless of how you do it, keep nursing, ladies.]

To have such a stigma on a thing that is so RIGHT is disgusting.

Please, whenever you have the chance to stand up for Breastfeeding Moms, do it. Support them, and their children, whenever you can.

Please don’t think that you can’t offer your support if you’re not breastfeeding, or if you don’t have children. ANYONE can offer their support. Let’s make a difference whenever we can, as a society!

If you’d like to put a button, like this one:

 

Or even:

or one of the others, on your site, blog, or anywhere else, you can get the codes for them here.

If you’re a member of Facebook, and you’d like to join the protest group there, it’s at: Facebook Protest Group. You’ll have to login, of course.

And don’t forget the “Breast Fest” on October 10th, @ 10am!

Facebook needs to know that when there’s a picture of a mom breastfeeding her child, this is no different than a picture of a mom (or dad!) feeding, nurturing, or loving a child in any other way. Let’s tell ‘em.

Is My Baby Gay? WHAT?!

So… I’ve been noticing the Google ads on my myspace page more lately. Is it just me, or is there some FREAKY crap advertised on this site?

Have you guys paid any attention to this stuff? An especially disturbing link caught my eye yesterday, so I typed the URL into another browser window, and then I just stared at the screen with my mouth hanging open.

What was the URL?

http://www.ismybabygay.com/

Can I get a “WTH?”

This is what I saw:

Fine print reads:

[Results of your baby's sexual preference will be mailed to you within two weeks of receiving the printed saliva sample. All results are backed by IsMyBabyGay's money-back gaurantee. If the sexual preference of your bay is incorrect, we will refund 150% of your purchase price. Results are intended for entertainment purposes only. All results are final. Not available outside of the United States.]This is wrong on SO many levels. I don’t even know where to begin! I can’t believe this exists!

Okay, as screwed up as the world is, I guess I can believe it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disgusted by it.

See, first of all, this crap shouldn’t even be an issue. We should not be even remotely concerned with this about our babies. Then there’s the wording down at the bottom, which is just utterly confusing and ridiculous. Money-back guarantee? They will refund 150% of purchase price if they are incorrect? JUST HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?? Also, it’s for “entertainment purposes only.” So then, how can it be wrong or right anyway!? Notice that, in addition, “all results are final.” THEN HOW CAN IT BE RIGHT OR WRONG!?

Clicking takes you to this:

Fine print reads:
[The cost for this service is $19.99. You will be able to pay for it after you print and have the baby lick the sample paper.]

“Hey, Braden, would you mind licking this piece of paper so I can find out of you like doing guys?”

I am utterly weirdified.

Continuing:

Fine print reads:
[Note: Please use standard white paper to assure a proper sample. This patent-pending process will allow us to perform standard tests on the paper.]

I feel disgusted having clicked this far, even for the sake of curiosity.

Patent-pending process?!?

Are you with me on how NUTS this is???

Here’s the “test sheet”:

The Directions:

Fine print reads:
[Note: It is important to moisten the paper for 15 seconds. If the baby's mouth is dry, please have them drink water and then moisten the sample after 5 minutes.]

This is hilarious. Let’s just put aside the fact that the test is BONKERS. Look at this, they want you to hold a piece of paper to a baby’s tongue for 15 seconds. “It is important.” Dude, my kid’s not letting me hold anything to his tongue for 15 seconds!

Also, “If the baby’s mouth is dry, please have them drink water and then moisten the sample after 5 minutes.”

“Braden, what the hell is wrong with your mouth? It’s too dry. Here, drink this water so I can hold this paper to your tongue for 15 seconds. You better sit still for it too, or I’m putting you in the closet again.”

*shakes head*

Almost done!

Fine print reads:
[Note: Please mail the sample using standard USPS first class mail. You will receive our IMBG Testing Center's mailing address after you pay for the service.]

Payment screen:

Note the “happy family” pictured. Notice how the parents are all smiles and the kid looks bummed. This whole thing is really wacky.

I wonder if there’s someone out there who is willing to test my kid’s saliva to find out what his favorite color is… or what his favorite food is…. I’m curious, cause he can’t talk yet, and I’d like to know. Or maybe someone can test my child’s SPIT and tell me what profession he will choose one day or WHO HE WILL MARRY AND HOW MANY KIDS HE WILL HAVE!?

*sigh*

If these people get rich I hope the world just blows up.