The Milk Test is over. Did you notice that month go by? Did you remember that my little boy was having dairy for the first time ever? That in the first couple of months of his life my own breast milk tore at the insides of his intestines, much like a garbage disposal rips up your leftovers, causing his insides to bleed into his poo and making him cry endlessly? Are we on board with that history?
Well. Guess WHAT. He did alright on The Milk Test. Can I get a dance of joy? Can I get an “Amen, sistah!?” Can I get a, “HALLELUJAH!?” Alrighta! Yeaaa-ah! He.Is.Healed-ah!
*slaps his forehead, knocking him to the ground*
Aside: “Oh, sweetie… I’m so sorry… don’t cry… Momma just got carried away….”
So, yeah! He’s allowed to have dairy for good now! Do you know how GLORIOUS this is?
We were just about to take out a loan from our bank so that we could continue to afford the Enfamil Nutramigen, aka Liquid Gold, aka This Shit Costs Way Too Damn Much that he was drinking.
But no more of that for him!
That lil’ bugger’s on store brand milk now, ya’ll. I’ve never been happier to look into a diaper and see the hard little nuggets of cheese and milk induced consti-poopie.
Up next! Wheat Test. Keep your fingers crossed for us for another month.
Seriously, do it. Or I’ll bite you.
Last night was lovely again. Much playing with boats, turtles and bubbles was had. There was splashie and kicking in the suds. My baby loves bathie.
Then bedtime. I’ve been blowdrying his hair lately, and he seems to like it. Last night he giggled as the warm air rushed over him.
We sat in the glider, and I read him the book, “Mommy Hugs,” and then he read it to me. For the record, his version was much more exciting. Squeals just liven up a tale, I find.
Then it was lights out, and rocking to sleep in the glider time.
But ohhhh, Braden decided that it was one of those special nights when he will snuggle in deeply to my chest, but NOT go right to sleep.
Instead, it was time for another episode of “Mommy’s Face: A Journey of Pain.” This is basically where Braden decideds to reach up and start performing exploratory surgery on my face with his sweet little chubby hands, surprisingly strong fingers, and razor-like nails.
The Surgeon’s Obvious Plans:
First part of the procedure for this episode: Hook finger upon Mommy’s Nose Stud and YANK LIKE HELL. This will widen the hole, allowing Mommy to explore larger gauge nose studs. She will enjoy the prospect.
Second Foray: Reach up quickly with index finger extended, jamming it straight up into Mommy’s nose. The sweet spot has been reached if Mommy’s eyes well up with tears, and a gasp of pain is uttered.
Next stop, Mommy’s Lip. Grab lip with Death Grip From Hades and yank. Repeat until hand is firmly, but lovingly, removed. Repeat again.
Do not close the surgery without tracing new and exciting trails into Mommy’s gums with the sharpest fingernail imaginable.
And somehow, I call these the best years of my life.
Oh, and lest you think I have forgotten to liven up your lives with poop, here’s the latest Poop Report.
Poo will creep in early in the evening. Well-formed chunks of a deep brown color will be seen moving through the area. Some will float, others will sink.
Stay tuned for further Poop Updates.
Theme for November 17th, 2007: “I Love _______.”
I think the answer here is obvious. Cheese.
Haha, just kidding. It’s John & Braden, of course.
This photo holds the 2 most important parts of my life. These guys are the reason why I get up in the morning, and they keep me going every day (boy, do they ever). They both make me laugh even when I think there’s no laughter left. Each of them can push my buttons and frustrate me like no other: A sign of true love. I dream of them while I slumber, and when I’m awake in the middle of the night, alone, I miss them both.
Cheese was a close second, though.
Wanna see more Photo Hunt?
It is November 16, 2007. It has been 13 months since you blessed my life with your touch.
This past month, something beyond words has been happening. That’s going to make this really difficult for me, because Mommy’s trying really hard to use her words right now.
All this time, since the day I worked harder than I ever have before, I have been amazed while watching you become.
This past month has been insane. For the first time, you are really showing us what a little person you are. Oh, don’t get me wrong, we’ve been seeing your personality for some time now.
But not like this.
Where on earth did you get that smile? And that silly way you have of hamming for us?
Who passed on that attittude!?
You give me this look at times as if to say, “Oh, Good Lord, Mother, I mean, REALLY.” I’m left just *blinking* after you, wondering, “When did my little goo-ball develop real human emotions and quirks!?”
I SWEAR you are already trying to make jokes with us. Do you know how proud I am of that?
And by the way, this recent development of you actually coming to me and going, “Uhhn!” whenever you have a turd onboard? I LOVE THAT. I have this little thing you might like, sweetie… it’s called a “potty.”
You wave now, with purpose. When Daddy goes “bye-bye” for work, you give your little, parade salute. The other night, you even said, “butbut” from your stance in the bathie as you waved to the most proud Daddy ever.
Zack, the doggie (Ogg-Ogg!) is still your bestest friend and favorite obsession, second only to “owsigh!” (outside).
If you don’t get the proper amount of exposure to both of these each day YOUR HEAD WILL LITERALLY FALL OFF YOUR BODY. We have learned to keep lots of super glue and duct tape on hand for rainy days.
When you are tired of your toys, you run to me, arms outstretched, for a hug. You climb into my lap, and you nestle your face into my neck, and you sigh audibly, “Ahhh-mmmmm.” It is the sound of love. You own me.
You ate your first, whole apple of your very own, with skin! this past month. Well, it WAS going to be mine, but as we were sitting next to one another on the couch, you looked up at me, took it, and started to eat it. I was amazed.
Who taught you how to do that?
I watched you, trying not to cry over something so silly as you eating an apple… but it means you’re not a baby anymore. That makes me smile, swell with pride, and cry all at the same time.
You did this for the first time, too. You are learning too fast…
Over the course of many months, I have pointed at the River Tank Aquarium approximately one thousand and seventeen times, and showed you the “turtle! see the turtle honey!?” The other day, you stopped what you were doing, walked across the room, pointed at Eddie the Turtle and said, “Tard-ah!”
You are actually listening to me. You are learning.
And, you know, not that long ago, your Daddy and I saw Eddie trying to eat her own, stringy floater. So, quite frankly, she is quite a “Tard-ah.” Just one of the many (endless) things you have pointed out to me about the world that I didn’t see through my own, old eyes.
You take me one step closer to truly seeing the world for what it really is every time those amazing lashes slap down on that soft skin.
You actually make it look good.
ANOTHER MOLAR THIS WEEK. It has been hell, to say the least.
It peeked through on Tuesday, and has been hurting him all week.
Hence, these Haiku.
Molar makes its way
Gouging, grinding, tearing gum
Poor lil’ man in pain.
Trying hard to help
Nothing I do makes it end
Ice cream is like gold.
He tries hard to sleep
His mouth objects to slumber
No solace tonight.
Please sleep just a bit?
Oh no, he’s screaming again.
Padded room awaits me.
Nothing else from the day, or any past day was in my heart. Nothing else danced through my mind. Complete solace, and the feeling of tender love and total rightness of being just sat with me.
My eyes were closed and I could feel Braden’s sweet baby breath on my neck. His little arm was wrapped firmly around my neck, making me feel loved and important. As the sounds of his breathing and the soft, sweet murmurs of baby sleep drifted up to my ears, I opened my eyes and looked down at his sleepy little head.
One of those big, fat boulders of emotion that you never see coming before it’s too late rolled and crashed right into my face.
My heart swelled. My mind tripped over itself. My chin trembled a little. And my eyes got teary.
I was thinking of something John said to me weeks ago. When he said it, I really understood. But when I thought of it in that situation, I really felt it, too.
He came out of Braden’s room, after putting him down for the night. He said, “I just looked down at him, while he was sleeping in my arms, and I felt so much love for him. I thought all of a sudden that God must have held Jesus like this once, before He gave him up for us. I couldn’t do that! I couldn’t give Braden up. I love him too much. That’s how much He loves us.”
It was very poignant.
And I sat in that dark room and thought about this warm body I held to my chest. I thought of the blessing of this child in my life, and of the many others I am allowed to experience daily. And I felt humbled, and grateful.
I often write about the aggravations of motherhood. Mostly, I’m just trying to vent about the reality of being a parent, and hope that I’m putting enough of a humorous spin on things to get some laughs. I hope you’re laughing… and if you’re a parent, that you’re nodding.
Don’t let any of it fool you, though.
This is the best gig I’ve ever been lucky enough to land.
All the poo in the world was smeared into my living room carpet last night.Ok. So maybe not ALL the poo. But it sure SMELLED like all the poo.
Oh, before I go deep into this, I’m going to be a nice girl (please be appropriately shocked) and warn you that if you are squeamish about things like stinky, smooshy DOODOO, then you might not want to hang around for long.
And if you can stand reading about it, but seeing a picture would make you toss… well. Yeah. I’m postin’ pictures on this here biznatch.
So. Have I thinned the crowd? Oh COME ON PEOPLE. If I see you leave the room, I SWEAR I’m handing out Atomic Wedgies.
And you there, mister. I know you LIKE them, so that goes opposite for you. No wedgie for you if you leave.
*points at misguided pervert #52*
By the way, as some of you will recall, this is definitely not the first time we’ve had a Turdrageous Experience around here. And it’ won’t be the last, I’m sure.
Anyway…Last night, I made the IDIOTIC mistake of assuming that since my lovely, sweet-smelling son had already massively unloaded into his diaper right after dinner, that another fecal catastrophe would not be scheduled for the span of about, oh, let’s say AT LEAST 10 minutes.
I took off his diaper, did the necessary cleaning, and decided that he could have a good long run around with no pants on.
See, Braden is insanely vulnerable to getting diaper rash – and when I say rash, I mean awful, horrible, make-you-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-die-just-from-being-the-witness-to, weeping, oozing, bloody wounds on his sad, poor little tender biscuits.
If you look at my kid’s ass the wrong way, it turns red.
So we always give him at least 5 minutes of air drying time… and whenever we think “the time is right” we allow him to run naked.
When your kid takes a huge dump, you tend to think the time is right. You don’t expect another one for awhile.
My advice here for anyone thinking the same way: Don’t be an idiot.
And especially don’t think this when you just fed your kid beans and barley soup.
He ran joyfully to the living room and began playing with his toys, uttering the sweet little Toddlerese gibberish and squealie laughs of baby happiness that make a Mama’s heart feel happy.
I excused myself to check e-mail in the next room.
I could hear his little exclamations of joy and discovery.
Less than 5 minutes passed, and there was a bit of quiet. Then footsteps.
He came into the room. So did the odor.
I made eye contact with him. He turned around and started heading out again, quickly.
I deposited him in the bathtub, but before running water, I checked on the carnage in the living room.
Yes. What you are thinking. It’s true.
That’s CRAP on his cheek.
This is the excitement of Thursday night around here, folks.
I got excrement smeared on my arm last night. What did YOU do?