once upon a time (there was a douchebag)

Okay, so maybe I got a leetle bit pissed off when I saw this image on Pinterest tonight.

And maybe I went a leetle bit overboard on the “description” when I repinned it.

and the princess didn’t have her heart broken by a man who couldn’t keep his dick to himself for more than five seconds because she was smart enough to say no to the pretty face that was hiding the vile creature behind it. And she had all the time in the world to then pursue her own interests and be the person she was meant to be, reveling in her identity and fulfilling her aspirations fully. She spent as much time as she wanted with the best girlfriends who always built her up and cared about what she was saying rather than pretending to listen and hoping she was soon done. And she hand selected the finest young men to keep her company (and then sent them on their way when she was bored with them) and she read books and made beautiful art and sun bathed and nobody ever left the fucking toilet seat up or made her have to drag their feelings out of them like driving nails into brick because they were such poor communicators that she just wanted to scream into infinity in those miserable moments of complete relationship hell when she would rather be twirling through the living room, singing her favorite song at top volume. She didn’t have to share the remote or watch any sports she didn’t want to, and she only got foot rubs with her pedicures and nobody expected her to have sex with them just for doing it. She smiled every day because she wanted to, not because she was pretending she was happy, and nobody needed her to fetch them a beer or make their food first so that by the time she ate hers it was cold. She played with lady bugs and stopped to smell the flowers every day. Her friends and family thought she was fucking awesome because she was able to live her life to her full potential instead of for some loser who resented her for not wanting him to drink jack daniels every fucking night. And she never had to sleep in the goddamned wet spot. THE END.

Yeah, maybe a little too far.

Maybe.

(Who am I kidding?! That shit had it coming.)

mapping the vault of memories

Children laugh a lot. It is a beautiful thing.

A few nights ago, I heard my son laugh from upstairs. The laughter tinkled merrily down the stairs from up high to down where I was standing in the kitchen. It was the laugh of a four year old – giddy, unrestrained, and in those chucklesome, high-pitched, and somehow fairy-like tones that only children that young can achieve.

That night I heard the free, sincere, heartfelt laughter of my son, and I had a thought, suddenly. It hit me without consideration and washed over me harshly. It did not care what I was doing when it came on, or where it would leave me after it fled into the night beyond me.

And the thought was this:

There will come a day when I will not be so privileged as to hear that sound anymore as a common occurrence in my life, my day to day What Is, my moments possible to take for granted (even though I don’t want to). There will come a time when that laugh does not even exist anymore.

There will be a day when forever more I will not be able to hear that sound. His laughter will still be accessible to me (sometimes) but it will never sound that way again. It will become lost forever in the vault, deep and wide and sometimes difficult to navigate, that contains my lifetime of memories.

And memories have this awful way of fading and being so hard to recall in a tangible way, so hard to truly feel in the same way as they were once experienced.

I stood there, at the foot of the stairs, frozen in that moment. I stood there, playing that brief sound over and over in my head, savoring it. I was all alone, and may have nearly appeared catatonic in that moment of true consideration and revelation.

Braden may never know that he’s ever done something so simple but so incredibly and effortlessly meaningful that it captivated his mother so greatly. He might not realize that she once stood quietly relishing the joyous beauty of a 3 second laugh he uttered about a little bit of something more than nothing that faded into the night without him giving it another passing thought.

When I write these moments, it is like I’m drawing a map to put up on the inside of that vault, so that when I dive into it later, so much later, maybe I can find these most important of thoughts and feelings, these memories of the most golden days, and hold them near me again for a few moments.

And I will know.

And now you do, too.

Taking the heart road.

Sometimes Braden (now age 4.5) asks me how to say things in Spanish. I go to this website and we enter words and then we learn now to say them together. He especially enjoys the feature where you can actually listen to a pronunciation of the word. Unfortunately, however, he gets really frustrated when we encounter a Spanish word with an “r” in it, and he can’t say it exactly the same way. I’ve tried to help him learn how to roll his r’s, but he hasn’t been successful yet.

Today he asked how to say “tree” in Spanish. The answer is “arbol.” He became very frustrated about the sound of his r’s again. I began encouraging him to keep trying, but he just kept telling me, “NO, because I CAN’T do it.” This prompted me to launch into a long discussion with him about how you have to keep trying when you can’t do something the first time, rather than giving up, if you really want to learn it. I even gave him examples from my childhood.

(I totally went through torturous and seemingly endless trials in front of the bathroom mirror to learn how to roll my tongue. I was going to be damned if my brother could do that and I could not, and refused to believe the BS idea everyone was feeding me that it’s a genetic trait and you can’t do it unless you inherit that. IN YO FACE, FALSE POP SCIENCE.)

Braden indicated he didn’t agree with my sage advice about trying and learning. So I told him that he can take a slightly easier path and trust my advice, or he can be stubborn and take the hard road through life. He considered this for a few moments, and replied, “I think that instead, I am going to take the heart road, Mommy.”

Me: “What?”
Braden: “I’m going to take the heart road instead.”
Me: “Oh? What is that road like?”
Braden: “It has lots of heart patterns on it. Red ones and pink ones too, and I like them. And lots of heart rocks. And heart shaped trees.”
Me: “How does that make you feel?”
Braden: “It makes me feel so happy.”
Me: “And where does this road lead?”
Braden: “It leads to everywhere you want to go. And there are stars racing in the sky.”

My friends, the heart road is paved with red and pink heart patterns, strewn with heart rocks, and lined with heart shaped trees. It will make you feel happy, stars will race in the sky overhead as you travel, and it leads to “everywhere you want to go.”

I guess being happy on “the heart road” is better than being miserable while struggling to learn rolling your r’s in the long run, huh? This kid kind of totally disarms me every damn day. And he really has no idea how brilliant these things he says really are.

I’m still a firm believer in trying for the things you desire, but I’m glad to have someone in my life who reminds me it’s not always a bad idea to voluntarily take the heart road.

Happy Birthday to a woman who talks to her cervix on Facebook.

Sometimes you meet the most amazing people online. If you’re one of those people that uses the acronym IRL or thinks that the people who are active online are “imaginary friends” then you won’t get this, but maybe that’s even more reason you should read it. I’ve been really lucky to have met a lot of really remarkable people through The Internet (remind me to thank Al Gore with a respectably green and energy efficient gift someday). Many of these people will be my friends forever. Some of them live deep in my heart, and I’m better for it.

One of those people is a lil’ lady who became known ’round Blogosphere Land as Moosh In Indy. That would be Casey Mullins.

I was reading her years ago, impressed with her writing and the way she just put it all out there (I tend to be drawn to those types, go figure) which really made her something of a role model to me. That’s the kind of person I have always been and wanted to continue being.

And then she went and mentioned me in a post.

And what she said about me, completely unprovoked, took me by surprise and totally melted my heart. It was pretty much one of those girl crush moments in your life when your pittery pattery heart is singing that song of “weeeeeeeeee, she likes me tooooo.” (Please tell me you’ve heard that song in your heart.)

And over the years, I’ve gotten to share moments with her when we both ended up at the same travel destinations, and many a laugh through blog comments, Facebook posts, and Twitter reply conversations. She’s a part of my world that keeps it spinning with a smile at the top and a little booty shake at the bottom.

It hurt my heart to see her struggle with expanding her family. This is a woman with so much love to give, so much creativity and wisdom to share. Her body was not playing nice with her for some time; The Universe was not playing nice with her. I was angry on her behalf.

She? Kept it real and was honest about her feelings and I’ll be damned if she didn’t still handle the most difficult of things with the most amazing grace you could ever imagine from a person trapped in a sack of turds with no sure way to see the light or open the knot at the top.

(Forgive the imagery, but something tells me Casey will appreciate it.)

And that’s what makes her not only a friend in my book, but also a role model.

Later, when she finally got pregnant, she emailed me to tell me before she posted it online. Somehow, in some incredibly selfless way, she was concerned that the news of her pregnancy would upset me (after having had 2 miscarriages).

And that’s what you call selfless and loving, kind and generous, to the utmost degree. And again, she was not only a friend, but a role model.

Are you catching this trend?

Just this past year, when my heart was in a very tenous place, she sent me a magnet. It had a saying on it that I needed so very badly to see/hear.

The Universe might be a jerk sometimes, but it often delivers the very best things just at the right time. Somehow, Casey is really good at being the vehicle of the Universe’s better side.

This woman is the kind of woman who you are thankful to call friend if you are so lucky, and who you want to be like. The kind that makes you want to be a better person, while at the same time making you laugh and expanding your mind.

Casey, thank you for being you. The world is a brighter, happier, more meaningful place because you exist.

Happy Birthday. I hope you’ve enjoyed your first 25 years on this earth. *wink* We’ve sure enjoyed having you here, my friend.

Come stand the heat with us!

We’re heading into the kitchens of Mr. Lady and Busy Dad, and you’re invited.

When Shannon emailed me recently and asked me to help her and Jim with a cooking class they were doing for The Motherhood and ConAgra, I was all for it. Look, I love those two, and Shannon’s email said something about food, porn and cheerleading outfits. It was pretty much absolutely and completely a given that I going to say yes.

I mean, really. Could you say no to these two?

So: I’m co-hosting an upcoming class in the Web’s first-ever virtual cooking school, Cooking Connections, and I would love for all of you to participate! So check out the information below and get ready to see Shannon & Jim cooking and being dead sexy live, on camera, while their co-hosts heat things up in the accompanying chat. (Cheerleading outfits are not required and have absolutely nothing to do with the class, but I’m pretty sure that if you wear one, it can only enhance your experience. Especially if you send me photos.)

Here’s what you need to know about the cooking class:

When: Wednesday, March 16, at 8 p.m. ET

Where: TheMotherhood – here’s the link to the page where the class will be held: Cooking Connections Class with Shannon & Jim

What: The class I’m co-hosting is called “Cooking with Dad,” and it is hosted by the awesome Jim Lin, aka BusyDad of The Busy Dad Blog, and the equally awesome Shannon, aka Mr Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. Join us for a fun and hilarious class – we are going to have a blast! Jim and Shannon will be chatting via live video feed, and the rest of us will be sharing anecdotes and tips for having fun in the kitchen with Dad (and/or the other non-cooks of the family) in the text-based comments below the video. Don’t miss out on the party!

The class is sponsored by ConAgra and hosted by TheMotherhood.

The other fabulous co-hosts are:

Julie – Angry Julie Monday
Mishelle Lane – Secret Agent Mama
Ashley Evans – Schadenfreudette
Tanis Miller – Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Dan Deguia – Deguia.net
Melanie Sheridan – Mel, a Dramatic Mommy
PJ Mullen – Real Men Drive Minivans
Diane – Momo Fali
Robin Sue Joss – Big Red Kitchen
Eddie Carroll – Life, One Pixel at a Time

And prizes even! Booyah.

To make it even more interesting, there’s a pretty awesome way that you can enter to win one of three gift baskets from The Motherhood and ConAgra. You need to create a short video ahead of time, so get on this now! Go see Shannon’s post for details on exactly what you – brilliant, creative, and fabulous reader – need to do to enter. (FYI, Shannon says cheating is totally encouraged. How can you not want to be a part of that?)

I hope you all decide to stand the heat and join us!

photo credit:
“Shannon” by Shannon
“Jim” by Mishelle

The best of today.

Because sometimes you just have to take the pulse of your Twitter followers. while you’re drunk and curious about what the best part of their day was and try not to laugh when people say things like “I didn’t crap my pants.”

I asked:

Which, I fully acknowledge, is a total ripoff from Dora the Explorer. But I PROMISE I won’t ask your kids a question in a minute, and then tell them that I want them to say the answer LOUDER.

(What a cunt! Who authorized that in a children’s show? As if I need my kid saying ANYTHING LOUDER.)

Ahem.

I thought you might like to see the responses I got…

Holy.Shit.

Can I just say, it’s really freaktasting hard to do all those damn image captures and links when you’re drunk? Because, um, yeah.

I’m not even going to tell you how many times I had to correct the typos in that last sentence. The first time I typed it, it said something about fromage crimpage when I’m stank.  Or something of that nature.

During my quest to find out what the everyone’s favorire part of their day was, @undomesticdiva queried the same back at me. My asnwer was:

It’s true. And it works pretty much any time you try it, in case you’re wondering.

What was your favorite part of today?

Loter’s Blissdom 2011 – Part 2

Part 1

Jockey & Tide sponsored Thursday night festivities at Blissdom and it was seriously a blast. My roomies (Mishelle, Dawn, Leslie, Victoria) and I all got dressed up and headed to “the red carpet” to kick off the night. This was basically just a chance to act silly and be photographed (Malia joined us on the carpet).

photo by Heather Durdil

Mishelle captured a great shot of the red carpet photographers, Casey, Hannah, Elan, and Heather.

We ate from a variety of foods provided to us – my favorite thing was pulled pork sandwiches with a vinegar-based barbecue sauce. What can I say, I’m still a NC girl at heart when it comes to BBQ!

I was also witness to a momentous occasion: Mishelle had her very first Guinness.

*oooooh* *ahhhhh*

We all enjoyed the food and drinks, chatted, and laughed together.

last four photos by Mishelle Lane

After hanging out for a little while, we headed into the nightclub, Fuse, to watch performances by Michelle Branch and Mat Kearney.

What a treat – both musicians put on a fabulous show. I was particularly excited to see Michelle Branch, as I’ve utterly adored her music for so many years.

last two photos by Mishelle Lane

I generally don’t go all “fangirl” and have photos taken/do meet and greets, but I didn’t pass up the opportunity this time.

photo by Jana Warnke

Once the performances were over, there was dancing…

…and then people wandered off here and there throughout the hotel to eat, hang out, and just have a great time, late into the night.

photo by Mishelle Lane

These are memorable portions of the night – the times you spent laughing with various groups of friends, catching up, sharing hugs, smiles, and silly moments.

At some point later on, Mishelle, Jim, Diane, Amy and I ended up in the Garden Conservatory. As you can see, we spent a little time being goofballs.

Mishelle and her camera… she had me model for her throughout the hotel. I didn’t argue… even when she asked me to climb onto a piano. What can I say? I’m easy.

last two photos by Mishelle Lane

And of course, Diane gave me her now traditional, on-camera, one-finger salute.

It’s this kind of silliness that makes time with best friends so fun!

Still to come – Friday, Flashmob!, Girl’s Night In, and Saturday’s Photo Walk.

to be continued…

Loter’s Blissdom 2011 – Part 1

As I’ve said previously, Blissdom is a conference that completely has my heart, and my word for it is Love. While there from January 25 – 30, both my days and nights were filled with wonderful and interesting experiences.

Tuesday was a day of traveling, arriving, settling…

…random water show magic…

…meeting, greeting, hanging…

…and relaxing.

last four photos by Mishelle Lane

The highlight of Wednesday was the Photography Wisdom Workshop I helped teach. This was so much fun to be a part of – a large room full of women who wanted to get more intimate about photography with a hands on workshop. We all split up at different tables and gave mini lessons at each table about different aspects of photography.

Mishelle & Dawn – Camera Basics/Overview/Settings/Controls (Her notes are here.)
Deanna & Casey – ISO/Aperture/Shutter Speed
Angie – Finding the Light
Amy & I – Creativity & Detail

We shared our knowledge and our hearts about this thing we truly love: Photography. Afterwards a small group of us headed out to put our photography knowledge to practice. We walked and shot, asking and answering questions, and had a generally good time wrapping up the workshop.

photo by Mishelle Lane

Wednesday night was the kickoff party sponsored by ConAgra and it was so fun. Food and drinks were shared by a large group of excited attendees, buzzing around one another. The area was full of laughter and happiness that was palpable. I was so happy to see David and Kammie from The Social Path and Luckie, and Anissa Mayhew, at the party.

Later, Leslie and I cartwheeled through the hotel as everyone was on their way to have wine, cupcakes, and watch the premier of Working Class with special guest, Melissa Peterman. What, don’t you always cartwheel through hotels? Best way to travel.

When that was done, several of us picked up Jim in the lobby and hung out at Fuse, drinking and laughing.

last nine photos by Mishelle Lane

At one point, Jim, Diane, Mishelle, and I realized we were standing in a circle, drinking, laughing… and Tweeting at a bar.

That’s how fun-lovin’ social media/tech-geeks roll, eh? Regardless, it was so good to spend that time with them, just laughing and soaking in the rarity of close proximity to people I adore online from great distances on a regular basis.

After many drinks, we retired. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep. Oh, boy.

Thursday was the first full day of the official conference. Let me just say that I never make it to all the sessions I want to go to at a conference, and I’m finally learning to be okay with that. On this day, I attended the two things that were most important to me (personally).

My advice to you for conferences is to find the sessions that are the VERY MOST important to you personally and make sure you attend those. If you can get to others, great; if you can carve other time to truly enjoy other facets of the experience (visiting with sponsors, spending time with good friends, networking with new business contacts, exploring the town you’re in) – fabulous!

I’ve mentioned this already, but the Opening Keynote speaker was Brené Brown. Her talk blew me away, made me cry, affirmed things for me, made me laugh deeply, had me nodding, and was basically time well spent. Her message is powerful, and I highly recommend you seek her out – watch her talks, read her book. When I got home I had the renewed confidence I needed to go back and pull up a 4-month old draft and publish it.

photo by Schmutzie

After the opening, there was a roundtable meet and greet time, a fun way for each of us to connect with our “tribe” and get to know one another.

Each tribe is headed by one or many “Tribe Leaders.” (I was one of the Photography Tribe Leaders.) This is an interesting new way to make sure nobody feels alone during the conference – no matter what, you will have a tribe to check in with! There’s even a “No Niche” Tribe. *wink*

After a superb ConAgra lunch, I wandered out into the expo hall, talked to the Purex Rep (who was totally awesome) and as I was wandering on, I suddenly realized that HOLY CRAP IF YOU ONLY SLEEP FOR 3 HOURS AFTER YOU ARE RAGINGLY DRUNK BY MIDDAY THE NEXT DAY YOU ARE SOOOOO DONE SOCIALIZING. Like that, I hit a wall, and I knew it was time to go to my room for a little bit.

Also, someone made me spill tea all over myself and I almost went back and decapitated him later just out of spite. This was totally a sign that I needed a nap, as I am generally a “punch them in the neck” kind of person rather than an “off with their heads!” chick. So I went to the room and slept like a goddess on soft fluffy pillows, fully dressed, for an hour. Then it was up and to the next session!

photo by Mishelle Lane

The Innovative Writing Session with Leslie, Jim, and Amy was fantastic – creative, informative, and hilarious. I really wish you all could have been there. You can see the presentation in this post at Jim’s site.

I think the most important thing they shared was an amazing piece put together by Shawn Burns for presentation during the session, something that he’s worked hard to get across to the community for some time, and Jim, Leslie, and Amy realized this was the perfect opportunity to help it spread. Even if you didn’t get to attend, I really think you should benefit from Shawn’s message. Now go to Jim’s site and pay close attention as you watch. You will thank me.

It’s like you were there, right? You can thank me in the comments. (Heh.)

to be continued…