Lazy Douche Enablers: Dawn, Alex Year Two

Lazy Douche Enablers write posts for me every other Tuesday. That way, I can be a much better… you guessed it: Lazy Douche. Today’s Enabler is Dawn, of Alex Year Two and Room 704

My little secret…

Men – you need to leave. This is not a post you want to read. Go the place that is else . . . come back tomorrow . . .

I was at work one day and the conversation turned to orgasms.

As they do.

I shared a story that I will share with you here.

Scout and I were laying in bed talking about orgasms. Or my non orgasm during sex, as it were. He says, “Well. I . . . I’ve never had someone …. um …. not . . . before . . .”

I opened my mouth to reply . . .

I took a deep breath . . .

“Well, they, um, were liars, fucking liars, sluts clearly very in touch with their own bodies and and very comfortable with themselves . . .”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that there were a bunch of fakers in there.

The three of us laughed and laughed. Not at my sweet husband, but at all y’all out there who think a woman has never faked it with you.

Hey dudes, I told you to leave. You didn’t listen. This is what you get.

The next day – one of the girls came to work and immediately grabbed me . . .

She shared a story that I will share with you here.

“So I told my husband about our lunch conversation yesterday . . . he didn’t understand why we laughed . . . he said, “but no one has ever faked it with me before . . . ”

(To this day, hubs still believes in the 100% orgasm rate before me. I like to think of it as a gift from me to his masculinity.)

_____________________________________________________________________
When she’s not laughing about fake orgasms, Dawn authors a website about her son and other life topics, Alex Year Two. And if you want to see where Dawn, er, gets real, visit her latest project, Room 704. It’s creating quite a “buzz.” And by this Friday, I’ve heard that a visit there will help you stop being a fakester, too. *ohsnort*

Jack Bauer was right behind me naked, and it just fell in as I turned around, honey, I swear.

This morning, John blurted out, “Last night I dreamt that I got high.”

I was a bit amused that while I was lying next to him dreaming that we had gone on a date (because, folks, Dream-Time is the time where you do the stuff you never get to do in Real-Time, right? right.), he was dreaming about The Ganja.

“Uh, okaaaaay.”

“Well, I was somewhere, and someone was smoking pot right behind me, like, right on the other side of my back. And I was turning around, and I was taking a big breath in right as I was turning around, and I accidentally inhaled a bunch of smoke.”

I just looked at him, still mildly amused, waiting.

“And then I was walking away, and I exhaled, and a lot of smoke came out of my mouth.”

And he even acted it out, with hand gestures, to indicate a large mass of something exiting his main facial orifice.

And he grinned. It was definitely the Shit Eating type.

“So I got really high.”

Add in a little Shit Eating Laugh.

And then he just stood there, smiling this odd little smile.

“So, how do you feel about that? How did you feel about it in the dream?”

“Well, it was like, I was thinking… this is bad! But, I didn’t mean to, so it’s okay… but, um… this is bad!”

Hm. Yeah.

I wonder if I can, you know, get away with the same logic as applied to my dreams involving Kiefer Sutherland.

Feel the Love

Overheard in the kitchen night before last, while preparing a late dinner together…

*dishes clinking*

Lotus: I like you.

John: *warm smile*

Lotus: I don’t think I tell you that enough.

John: *appreciative smile*

*pause*

Lotus: But maybe that’s your fault for not making me FEEL like telling you that very often.

John: *blank stare*

Lotus:*smirk* Ohhhh! Way to snatch back a good feeling! Woo!

John: Feel the love! *mumbling* It was here a minute ago…

Codeine and God

My back is actually feeling better today. I’m pretty surprised, considering I’m usually laid up with this type of pain for about a week before it gets better. It’s still a little tender, but much better.

So, last night I drank a cup of coffee at about 10pm. Why? Because I’m a loser and lately I’ve been getting really tired before I’m ready to sign off for the night. A little later, we popped in our latest Netflix DVD, Lord of War (pretty darn good). I kept shifting around on the couch trying to find a comfortable position.

Shifting really doesn’t help.

I caved and took a BC powder dose. Wee! This crap not only has a butt-load of aspirin in it, but it also has a nice shot of caffeine. Yay, now I had more than just the cup of coffee running through my blood.

About 30 minutes later, still in agony, I really caved and took codeine (co-codamol).

Later, at bed-time, I rolled over on my side and felt a warm hand on my lower back.

“Lord, please make my wife’s back feel better.”

Silence.

[John] “I love you.”

“Are you still talking to God?”

“No.”

“Oh. I love you, too.”

Pause.

“Amen.” (smart ass)

Pause.

[Me] “Stop trying to have a 3-way with me and God.”

I blame the codeine.