Oh, Hai! No, I’m not dead.

You aren’t nearly that lucky!  I will be here, junking up this little corner of the Blogosphere, until they drag me kicking, screaming, and farting either into Le Looney Bin or to the afterlife.

That’s right, I don’t plan on going quietly into that good night.

And if you got that, I kind of love you, you freaky nerd, you.  You’re cute.  Are you single?

And just as an after-thought, IS there Internet Access in the looney bin?  On the real, if there is, I think I kind of would like it.  Just sayin.

So, enough for now.  This is supposed to be a photo post – you know, “Wordless Wednesday.”

So shhhh.  All I can say is that for NOW I’m home again.  More poop and tantrums talk later.

Oh yeah, that photo I mentioned – you know one of the most fun things about visiting your husband’s side of the family?  The embarrassing things you are able to collect and taunt him with later.

Lead with your ass…

And follow with a smile.

That’s the motto for my life from the very first day on.

Today is the day when I pushed my ass out of the darkness and into the light, 32 years ago.

In keeping with the trend, I give you 10 assholish things about myself… in the hopes that at least one will make you smile.

Why 10?  Well, I was going to do 32 (one for each year I’m old), but…

1. I’m a lazy douche.
2. I forget people’s names.  I remember faces, but I am clueless about names.  If we ever meet, please tell me who you are and why I know you.  Or just avoid me because I’m a jerk.
3. Children who are rude in public push me one step away from being a child abuser.  I want to pop their little heads off.  I know that they are just children, but yeah. (Don’t worry, I want to kill their parents, too.  Wait, is that good or bad?)
4. I have a blogsite (duh) where I spend post after post just talking about myself.  Sometimes I even make lists of things about myself.  It’s all about ME.
5. I am married to a country music guitarist. I hate vomit at the sound of dislike country music.
6. I would shower more, but I don’t feel like it. It’s not ALL about water conservation. I’m just lazy.
7. When Braden was born, I thought the other babies in the nursery where fugly.  I was so glad he was not. (Because baby switching is TRICKY!)
8. Made a bet with John on something last night and told him, “If you’re right, you can have 10 blowjobs.” We looked it up.  He was right.  I smiled.  While he was celebrating loudly I said, “You were right, you can have 10 blowjobs… on your 50th birthday, and I’ll pay for the hooker.”  Yeah, I’m a sore loser like that.  Plus, I’m lazy (refer to #1).
9. I totally fluff the covers after I cut one.
10. I am overly emotional, highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, often highly critical of others, especially those close to me.  Do you have a problem with that?  Does it make you dislike me?  It DOES, DOESN’T IT?  I knew it!  You’ve always been out to get me.  You should worry more about your own problems, you know?  You have PLENTY of them – would you like a list?

Bunch of Lazy Douches.

Today’s Photohunt Theme is “Lazy”

I swear, everyone around here’s lazy but me…

The Dog

The Boy

The Man

What? Stop looking at me like that. I’m NEVER lazy.

(Just sarcastic.)

A decidedly different post than this past Friday’s.

I am sitting here, at my computer, with my brow furrowed, writing.

It is 1:18 am.

About 30 minutes ago, and after struggling fitfully for some time, my eyes opened wide (imagine the cartoon sound-mixture of breaking glass and squealing brass horns, and picture red veins in my eyes) and I gave up trying to go back to sleep with the buzzsaw next to me droning on endlessly.

Annoyed, I snatched up my pillow.  I resisted the rather strong temptation to hold it over John’s face.

Instead, I quietly (can stomping be referred to as quiet?) left the room and stumbled down the stairs (YAY FOR STAIRS!NOT.) to the couch.

After having finally quieted the seemingly endless stampede of noisy elephants in my brain that is my mind refusing to shut the HELL up when I want to go to sleep (does that ever happen to you?) I was starting to drift back towards the edge of slumber.  In fact, the wispy tendrils of sleep sent by the sandman were already winding their way into my hair and tickling my cheeks.

Suddenly, a small sound crept down the stairs and around the bend, hurrying to reach me before I escaped to my dreamworld.  It grew quickly, and (was I imagining it?) truimphantly it danced across my face with heavy feet, ripped its way down the auditory canals and bitch slapped my eardrums.  

I was not slow to identify it as the evil.snoring.from.hell.

It is completely normal and sane to lie on your couch half-naked well past midnight, biting your lip, clutching your pillow, and thinking about putting some “special powder” in your husband’s morning coffee.

I am so not deranged and psychotic.

*cartoon-sound: cuckoo clock*

Merry Crotchmas

Keepin it light, so I’ll give you a brief tour of our Christmas with pictures.

A taste of Christmas Eve Activities.

An idea of how spoiled Braden is.

Breakfast.

Test Drive!

Fire Engine Siren Testing.

Tootsie Adoration Moment.

Taking a Break.

The Posse Ventures Outside.

After that, Momma’s trigger finger kind of went numb.

This was the best Christmas I can remember in a long, long time. Having a child really brings the magic back to the day. I think he had a lot of fun today. I know I sure did. He’s fast asleep and I look fondly at these pictures now. I hope your day was as great as ours was.

Oh, and John still has one more present to unwrap…

Merry Crotchmas!

Nice Guy vs. Crazy Crotch Lady

A few quick notes:

Picked up the bow for John’s Christmas present today.

To the woman who saw me “trying it on,” I am sorry you had to see that.  Also, I am sorry your kids saw that, too, because I am sure they asked you, “Why was that lady holding a bow up to her privates?”  And it’s not like you needed ONE MORE question to answer from the kids.

To the man who ran all the way from the register to where my quick walkin’ booty had gotten by then, thank you SO MUCH for bringing me the two bags of groceries that I paid for and almost completely lost.  You reminded me that there are still nice people in the world.  Rock on, Mr. Running With Bags Man. I love you.

That is all.

Photo Hunt, #3: I Love _______

Theme for November 17th, 2007: “I Love _______.”

I think the answer here is obvious. Cheese.

Haha, just kidding. It’s John & Braden, of course.

This photo holds the 2 most important parts of my life. These guys are the reason why I get up in the morning, and they keep me going every day (boy, do they ever). They both make me laugh even when I think there’s no laughter left. Each of them can push my buttons and frustrate me like no other: A sign of true love. I dream of them while I slumber, and when I’m awake in the middle of the night, alone, I miss them both.

Cheese was a close second, though.

Wanna see more Photo Hunt?

The Best Gig