The Great Depression

At January 14, 2009
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Depression, Guest Post, Love, Marriage, Mental/Emotional, Relationships
48

Winters where I live are long and cold and boring and I have a long history of spending much of the winter in a sulky grey funk. My husband has responded by making our house as fun as Disneyland – although less crowded and HOPEFULLY mouse-free – with tons of video games and movies and new books and theme dinner nights and board games and booze and stupid tv shows and it still doesn’t help all that much.

My poor husband. When I am sad, he wants more then anything to help me back up. And I find this beyond annoying, this constant low-key pestering when I’m wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and stay there until the flowers come back up in May, wanting to be left alone while it’s grey and -30. Oh, how I resented it, and more than once I snapped at him to stop trying so hard to fix me, to just leave me be. And this is how you can tell that I am an awesome wife and that being married to me is MAGICAL.

Anyhow, my GOD I resented feeling like he needed me to hurry up and get better so that he would stop being inconvenienced by my inconvenient depression. I would lay in bed at night – not sleeping, thanks to The Depression – and think dark murky thoughts revolving around him being a pushy jerk, him trying to dictate to me how I should feel. Oh, sure - he’d make supper without complaining about it, but I knew that secretly he was feeling resentful and as if he thought I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I was wallowing in my moods for my own enjoyment.

So a few months ago, out of nowhere, my husband came up to me and told me that he was depressed, that he had been very, very sad for a while. And my heart broke into a billion pieces right there.

That my poor, kind-hearted, unassuming, hard-working, gentle husband had been walking around silently miserable all by himself - okay, even now I can’t write that down without putting my hand over my mouth and staring out the window for a while. And I responded with unusual fervor, making sure that things were clutter and stress-free around here, making sure that he’d come home to his favorite meals, that he was surrounded by love and affection and given more time to do things he liked and I was sobbingly relieved when he told me that he was feeling better, that it had passed.

“I was so worried about you!” I bawled at him, and he said, very tenderly, that he knew exactly what I’d felt because he’d gone through the same thing so many times with me. And with those words, I suddenly saw all of it – the suppers quietly made by him, the packages of new books sent the way a different man might send flowers, the horrible GAMES OF SCRABBLE – completely differently, saw them as his way of surrounding me with love and comfort.

I also know that he is lying to me.

I know that he feels like he’s not achieving what he’d hoped for with his talents, that he’s worried about money, that he’s over-burdened with responsibility and that he is hiding this from me because he is above all things tender and kind to me.

I have been wallowing. I have not been trying hard enough.

You can’t unknow self-knowledge, can’t unsee what you have seen. And so my New Year’s resolution is to protect him more, to meet his tired smile as he arrives home in the evening with one of my own, to see his love for what it is and to be grateful. I will instigate more stupid Scrabble games and thank him as he passes me the smooth wooden letters, knowing for once in my life what secret words they are actually spelling.
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Beck puts words together this beautifully on a regular basis over at her website, Frog & Toad Are Still Friends. It is among the first blogs I ever read, and was an inspiration for me as I began writing a blogsite. Her delightful nature and incredible depth drew me in and have never let go.

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A decidedly different post than this past Friday’s.

I am sitting here, at my computer, with my brow furrowed, writing.

It is 1:18 am.

About 30 minutes ago, and after struggling fitfully for some time, my eyes opened wide (imagine the cartoon sound-mixture of breaking glass and squealing brass horns, and picture red veins in my eyes) and I gave up trying to go back to sleep with the buzzsaw next to me droning on endlessly.

Annoyed, I snatched up my pillow. I resisted the rather strong temptation to hold it over John’s face.

Instead, I quietly (can stomping be referred to as quiet?) left the room and stumbled down the stairs (YAY FOR STAIRS!NOT.) to the couch.

After having finally quieted the seemingly endless stampede of noisy elephants in my brain that is my mind refusing to shut the HELL up when I want to go to sleep (does that ever happen to you?) I was starting to drift back towards the edge of slumber. In fact, the wispy tendrils of sleep sent by the sandman were already winding their way into my hair and tickling my cheeks.

Suddenly, a small sound crept down the stairs and around the bend, hurrying to reach me before I escaped to my dreamworld. It grew quickly, and (was I imagining it?) truimphantly it danced across my face with heavy feet, ripped its way down the auditory canals and bitch slapped my eardrums.

I was not slow to identify it as the evil.snoring.from.hell.

It is completely normal and sane to lie on your couch half-naked well past midnight, biting your lip, clutching your pillow, and thinking about putting some “special powder” in your husband’s morning coffee.

I am so not deranged and psychotic.

*cartoon-sound: cuckoo clock*

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Photo Hunt, #3: I Love _______

At November 17, 2007
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Husband, Love, Marriage, My Son, Parenting, Photography, Photohunt, Relationships
40

Theme for November 17th, 2007: “I Love _______.”

I think the answer here is obvious. Cheese.

Haha, just kidding. It’s John & Braden, of course.

This photo holds the 2 most important parts of my life. These guys are the reason why I get up in the morning, and they keep me going every day (boy, do they ever). They both make me laugh even when I think there’s no laughter left. Each of them can push my buttons and frustrate me like no other: A sign of true love. I dream of them while I slumber, and when I’m awake in the middle of the night, alone, I miss them both.

Cheese was a close second, though.

Wanna see more Photo Hunt?

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The Boys Are Back In Town

At November 5, 2007
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Husband, Love, Marriage, Relationships
41

And do you know how freaking happy I am about that?

John’s been gone since October 28th, and it has SUCKED. He is regularly out and about in the country with Chris Cagle, so it’s not like I’m not used to this sort of thing (being used to it doesn’t mean I ever have to like it).

This stint apart was just pretty poopariffic, because he had just gotten home from a trip where he missed my birthday (damnit!) and then he had to leave on the very same day to go galavanting around the country again, playing his funky music, white boy.

Show up and then leave on the same day? Can you say TEASER? Ugh.

At least we got to have a family fun day @ Honeysuckle Hill Farm. A place I highly recommend you visit if you live in or around the Nashville, TN area, btw. (There’s some more stalker info for you depraved lunatics. But it’s not like it’s not on my profile anyway. Okay, so that was more stalker info for the LAZY, depraved lunatics.)

By the way, if you also missed my birthday (October 27), it’s not too late to send chocolates and flowers, and any money you find lying around. And mark your calendars for next year, so you can throw me a big party like you meant to this year. It’s okay, I can wait another year. Just make it good.

As for my “wahwaahhh, I miss my husband” whining – I know there are ladies out there who have to miss their Loves for much longer at a time than I do… but I’m being self-centered here (haha, when am I not? This entire PAGE IS ABOUT ME).

This man does things like send me this:

For no reason at all. The note said, “Just thought this would brighten your day.”

!!!!!

And he rubs my feet at least once a day when he’s home. HE RUBS THEM AND DOESN’T COMPLAIN. I don’t know about you, but that’s GOLD to me.

And he’s patient. And funny. And he thinks I’M funny.

And he changes all the diapers, and does bath and bedtime when he’s home.

And, you know… there are other things. *blush* We won’t talk about that. I may have mentioned before that “enigma” is a favorite word of mine.

Speaking of favorite words…

When I so unexpectedly stumbled across this man 6 years ago, I had no idea what a blessing he’d be in my life. I had no idea how much I’d enjoy torturing him with my maddening, evil, depricating humor… and that he’d just smile and laugh. (He just looks at me and says, “You’re sick.” *pause* “I like you.”) What the heck is wrong with him?

I had no idea that we would begin a journey of winding roads and valleys together… there have been bumps in the road, and the valleys get deep sometimes… but they make the smooth roads and the mountain peaks so much more fulfilling and noticeable. So much more alive.

I had no idea that he’d be the person I could be more compassionate to than I ever imagined I could be, and all because he himself has made me want to be a better person, lover, wife, and mother so many times.

When I was a little girl, I had a favorite book, “Serendipity.”

The book introduced me to the word, and I thought it sounded magical, and I felt powerful in secret ways when I would whisper it quietly in an empty room. It would almost tickle my tongue, and give me this little trembling feeling in my soul. I loved that word, and I never really knew why.

Serendipity.

I know why now.

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