No, Fig Newtons did not sponsor this.

At February 12, 2010
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Happiness, My Son, Parenting, Silly Things, Video
27

But we love them. And their wrapper. Wanna see how 2 sickies entertain one another when they’re home alone at snack time?

Be warned, this is about 5 minutes of your life you will never get back. It will, however, leave you with a goofy grin on your face and a feeling of happy deep within you. If it doesn’t, you likely have a dead fish for a heart. Good luck with that.

So? Do you have the happy?

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i am all things to all people. on Google. especially the perverts.

At January 29, 2010
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Blogging Stuff, Humor, PR, Silly Things
29

I’ve had some good fun with this here website, my friends, you better believe it. Oh yes, I’ve celebrated my son’s life, I’ve talked about both fabulous and hard moments of parenting, I’ve embarrassed my husband. (Yes, embarrassing your husband is good, fun times. And hell, he makes it SO EASY. What with saying things like this. But I digress.)

And of course, I’ve talked to and met so many of you, learned about you, and built wonderful friendships.

But today I’m going to let you in on another part of having this website that enriches my life.

Keyword searches.

I am endlessly entertained by checking my web stats to see what web searches lead to this site. Now, some of them, I will admit, make me want to vomit. I’m going to spare you specifics on these, but if I could find the people who were entering them into a computure somewhere, sterilization would be in order.

With a rusty fork.

When I can get beyond the TRULY DISGUSTING AND DEPRAVED searches, there are the mild perverts. I imagine these are the kind of winners who “bump” against you “by accident” on the subway.

They land on my page by searching:

nipple pleasure
moms with nice racks
naked wrestling
mom crotchless
nut in my mouth
mom peeing
slap me around
bunchy vagina (W. T. F.)

To whomever searched “i put my mascara in my vagina” – STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. There are things that just shouldn’t be inserted in certain areas. I THINK YOU’VE DISCOVERED ONE OF THOSE COMBINATIONS.

And whoever searched “big fat and ugly” I hate you.

But then there are the searches that just make me laugh. A few recent examples:

i want to shave my face off
jello farts
bitch perfume
im going to eat your uterus
can you put chocolate on the head of a penis

This is really just a small sampling, and only from the past four days or so. I’m sure you can now see why this is so amusing to me.

Incidentally, my top three search terms for the past year?

sarcastic mom
best push up bra
bewbs

Numbers 1 and 3 are completely understandable, right? Right.

And number 2? Oh, you have no idea how glorious it is for me to claim that lovely search term. You may or may not remember this post about that earlier this year. Go ahead, read it. It’s funny, and it will give you insight into this push up bra business.

Guess what, PR Asshat? You can #suckit. I might still be on the second page of hits for “best push up bra” but I think you and I both know that I still win this round. So eat me.

Of course, that post bought me top 3 ranking for both searches: “asshats who should die” and “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.” *cough*

*awkward silence*

(please feel free to stop and confirm that I actually *am* the number one search return on Google for “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe,” it’s okay, I understand the urge to do this. go ahead. laugh. Now laugh even harder when you see I’m hits number 1 AND 2. get it out of your system)

(PS: no really, DOESN’T THAT RULE!?)

Continuing! To the person who recently searched “getting him off with your bare feet,” here’s my advice: since making him a sandwich and getting him a beer with your feet is going to be pretty hard, just go ahead and cheat and use your hands on those ones. But using your big toe to turn on the TV on Superbowl Sunday should be pretty easy. Unless you’re a fucking moron. Or, you know, you don’t have feet. In which case the search would be pointless and you’re wasting my time and yours.

Only other thing I can think of is you wanting to get him off the couch, in which case, two feet planted squarely on his back in a sudden power thrust should do the job nicely. I mean really, sometimes you just want to watch Keifer Sutherland, er, I mean 24, alone.

What? Wait, we’re not talking about putting our feet on naked wiener are we? Oh, good grief. Really? This searcher must be the alter ego of the weirdo who Googled “gross wieners on your body” the other day. Right.

Of course, the best thing for me was noticing just yesterday that a search for “wife is a bitch” landed someone on my site. Now, if that was John, we can congratulate Google for 100% Success in returning accurate hits to sites from searches.

All in all, the whacked out nutjobs out there with access to a computer are giving me a bit of free entertainment. And I like it. Thanks, ya fuckin’ head-cases. I owe ya one. Maybe I’ll even write a post one day for the person who wanted to know, “can I use the diva cup for military training” because that is IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Clearly.

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Don’t let the man get you down.

At January 27, 2010
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Humor, My Son, Parenting, Silly Things, Video
19

And if you must submit, make sure you let them (the powers that be) know you’re going to do it your way.
Especially if your way is like a cocky little bastard.