Life Lessons: Chapstick

Alternate title: “My lips hurt real bad!”

(for the Napoleon Dynamite fans.)

I don’t know why this video makes me so happy, but it does. There is something about the way he applies it, so freaking seriously. Having kids makes you think stupid things are cute. But, yeah.

Incidentally, Vimeo wanted to make me wait 85 freaking minutes before my video was ready for viewing.  In fact, Vimeo actually said to me, “Due to a high number of uploads, this video will be converted in approximately 85 minutes. You may now leave this page and we will email you when this video is finished converting.”  Really, Vimeo?  I have your permission to leave this page?  Thank you so much.  How gracious of you, Vimeo.

And along with that information, they taunted me with the knowledge that “Vimeo Plus” Members are moved to the front of the line for video converting.  Click and you’ll be greeted with, “Buy now for $59.95 a year!”

The hell?

Yeah.  I think I’ll pass.  Oh look, there’s a YouTube button on my toolbar!

So, thanks, Vimeo, but no thanks. By the way, Youtube was willing to convert my video right away (I timed it: 3 minutes.) For free. Stick that up your “Vimeo Plus” and spin on it.

Somehow, I don’t think it’ll be as cute as my kid applying chapstick. Just a guess.

Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies…

Right now, it’s Sunday afternoon, I’m working on The Internets and John is watching football. It’s relatively quiet, because Braden is taking a nap. I actually just made John turn down the TV so that B wouldn’t wake up early.

That’s right. I do not want to see my kid sooner rather than later right this minute.

I miss my cute kid when he’s sleeping, but I DO NOT miss the screaming and tantrums. Helllloooo, he has been into the terrible 2′s since he was about 17 months old.
Now that his actual 2 Year Birthday is about 2 weeks away, he’s ramping it up, BIG time. He has taken to being really angry at the drop of a hat lately. Like how, without notice, he will scream in my face.

He is lucky he is so damn cute. I swear, if he had, like, a second, troll-like head growing out of his neck… or maybe a talking wart in between his eyes? I would definitely keep him locked up under the stairs and feed him bread crumbs.

Okay, okay, that’s not entirely true. I love him too much, and besides, there’s no ‘under the stairs’ place here, so he’d have to just go in the closet. And he’s become far too wise for that – every time I pick him up and head towards the closet now, he screams and kicks and bites me until I drop him. Damn quick learning. I mean, I swear I’m only taking him over there to get his jacket so we can go outside. (shut up, it’s not hot here, shhh.)

The thing is – Braden has just entered a phase where he is REALLY FUN to be around! He says so much now (and, HAI! we can understand him!) and he’s funny. He dances around, makes cute jokes, and does amazing things. Did you see my video brag on him? Oh, you missed it? Well here’s a new one!

(By the way, feel free to tell me I’m a show-offing bitch, because I absolutely know I am. I never meant for that to happen, really, but F It. I’m proud of him! Neener.)

He knows all his letters, though “J” confuses him, and he knows 1-9, but “7″ catches him off base. Clearly “J7″ is his nemesis. And colors! Green, red, blue, yellow, orange, purple, pink, white, and black. Is he a genius? I hope so. I want him to get a job soon and start contributing to the family income.

Anyway, the point is that he is highly entertaining and much easier to get along with WHEN HE’S NOT BEING AN ASSFACE.

That’s the other thing – he is spending significant amounts of time being AN ASSFACE. And he has really, really elevated his level of Assfacieness. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you want to rake your fingernails down your face. Know how some things make you want to do that?

Never? Hm. Really? Ok, let’s just move on and pretend I didn’t say that.

What I want to know is, how long does this “I’m A Super Effing Brat” stage last? (And God Help You if you tell me, “Oh, Lotus, mine is 16 and he never stopped being AN ASSFACE!” because I just might hunt you down and cut you.)

In other words? LIE TO ME.

TELL ME LIES. SWEET.LITTLE.LIES.

No, I don’t hide cocaine in his milk.

Because his giggling is infectious and you all deserve to have some of it.

It is as if he was trying to headbang, tell you jokes, laugh, and give a speech all at the same time. Gotta love a toddler. Especially one with dried baked bean sauce around his mouth. Classy!

And I promise he wasn’t on any drugs, and I had not given him any candy or caffeine of any sort. That’s just “Everyday Braden.”


And, oops, I turned the camera off right before he was going to tell you to leave your comment on this post so you can win $50 of merchandise!

We just have to dance together now.

Remember when I was lamenting about starting to lose the carefree rain-dancer in me?

I think he’s keeping her alive more than I realize.

[videos in post, click through to view]

Because Wednesday is good for cute videos, right?

I get requests for Braden videos sometimes. Here are two that I think are cute from the other day.

He’s been really interested in naming letters recently. I can’t tell you how proud I am about that.

Here’s proof:

He’s smart, and a great dancer, too…

(Do you like how he orders the dog around? Hahaha.)

Till death do us part. Or bubble baths.

John is home! He arrived home Sunday afternoon.

Which is AWESOME because I am officially handing this:

… over to him for the next few days.

(And yes, I know it’s cute on video. I hate you. Shut up. If you want a more realistic effect, make sure your speakers are set to maximum volume. In fact? Make them go to 11.)

And I will be doing this:

Cause I stink.

What are you doing this week?

Screamie McGee

Braden still hasn’t stopped screaming his head off. In fact, he seems to have stepped it up a notch, and added another lovely behavior: The Fake Cry. “Wah-huh, Wah-huh, Wah-huh…*pant, pant, hyperventilate* Wah-huh, Wah-huh, Wah-huh!!!” So, there’s that now, too, along with The Shriek.

We tried and failed miserably at Operation Ignore The Shriek. Because, DUDE. You can’t ignore The Shriek. The Shriek demands your attention! The Shriek calls you to action!

The Shriek? MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF.

Ignore it. Mmm, hm. How do you ignore the fact that you are standing in the kitchen, holding an ice pick up to your temple, and you have no idea how you got there? Huh?

I’ve started time-outs with Braden recently. Oh, wow. THAT is fun. They really seem to diffuse his craptastic behavior for awhile, but that’s after I have to watch him cry about being in time-out. YUCK. And let’s not forget that it’s all about me, so that sucks, right? Hah.

But seriously, the screaming has to go.

I have nightmares where my son’s mouth is fused to my ear, and The Shriek is on a never-ending loop. And there’s blood coming out of my other ear, my eyes have popped out of my face, and my hands are scratching down my cheeks, nails leaving behind long, deep gouges. What? That’s not at all psycho. Stop looking at me like that.

But, does he really need his vocal chords? I mean, kids learn sign language pretty quickly, right???

Of course, he also does some loud things that are really cute… so, hm.

I guess I’ll let him keep them.

For now.