Close Your Eyes and Think of England.
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I have a problem. It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. I need help, and I also need to know I’m not the only one. Or am I?
I have no libido. I have no interest in sex at all. I guess a therapist would call me asexual, although somehow I’ve managed to conceive five wonderful children.
By the way, this is not Lotus of Merry Crotchmas fame. I can’t speak for her but I’m pretty sure she likes sex. I am an anonymous guest writer. For a long time I’ve wanted to write about this issue, but my blog is very public and it doesn’t get much more personal than this. In fact it borders on pornographic, so if you’re sensitive to that you may not want to read on.
It all started when I was a child. My family is very religious. In order to foster chastity in me, I was indoctrinated not just to think of sex as something reserved for marriage, but something so disgusting it should be completely avoided. If there was a kissing scene on TV my mother made mock gagging noises, and my parents never kissed or hugged in front of me. I don’t want to sound like some self-involved whiner, but they never hugged me either or told me they loved me, though I know they did. When it was time for sex-ed, my parents had me pulled out of class so I wouldn’t be exposed to it. I learned about sex and periods later from my friends. When I did get my period I slipped a note under my parents’ door to let them know and maxi pads began to materialize in my bathroom. It was never discussed. As an only child I often wished for a sister that I could talk to about it.
At first this repression backfired. I discovered masturbation at an early age, though I didn’t know what it was. I just knew it felt good. Then when I was about ten a friend of mine showed me her stepfather’s dirty magazines, and I was far from repulsed, although in hindsight all that was shown was the female upper body. In junior high I discovered Harlequin Romances, which I had to hide under my mattress, and I marked all the sex scenes so I could reread them whenever I wanted. As I got older, I discovered Cosmopolitan Magazine and memorized every sex tip.
Somehow I made it through high school as the other kind of statistic: the odd kid that didn’t lose her virginity. I didn’t want to be a virgin, but I didn’t want to be a slut either. I’d decided that I wouldn’t go looking for sex, but if it came knocking I wouldn’t turn it down. I was a fairly popular and attractive girl, a cheerleader even, and I did manage to land a boyfriend my senior year. But I was so shy with him I could barely speak in his presence. I was saddened greatly but not at all surprised when he broke up with me after about a month of this.
When I moved on to college, all my friends were having sex. But not me. My virginity was its own chastity belt, enclosing me in a protective bubble. Anyone with a penis dared not approach, however much I wanted them to, and I was too shy to put myself forward.
I reached the age of 20 without ever having been kissed, or even having any idea what a penis looked like. Finally I found another boyfriend. He was someone I worked with. I had my first kiss, and it quickly evolved into full-blown make-out marathons. But nothing more. Oddly enough, John had a small penis complex. I told him I’d never even seen a penis before, but he was afraid to let me see how small it was. I put myself forward as much as I could stand, determined to lose my virginity. One night I even snuck into his bed with a box of condoms, but he wouldn’t have it. A few days after that he broke up with me, he said he wanted a relationship that was about more than sex and that was all I seemed to be interested in. The other guys we worked with were incredulous and rather interested at this news, but I didn’t want to continue working with John after that, so I left that social sphere.
The phenomenon continued. I’d hopefully go on dates, wearing sexy underwear, armed with the knowledge of Cosmopolitan, but my dates seemed to be as shy as I was, waiting for me to take the initiative. And my very conservative upbringing prevented me from taking that initiative.
I finally resolved myself to being single. Of course as soon as I did that, my future husband came on the scene. I was 26 by this time and felt old. Jeff was a known player in my area, but also the only man that was still single. So when he made his move, I went for it. Because of his reputation I was certain it would be a short-lived, sex only relationship, and I was okay with that.
The experience of sex was not at all what Harlequin and Cosmopolitan Magazine had led me to expect. Sweat, hair, breath, sticky saliva, gross noises, after-smells, yuck. The greatest disappointment of all was oral sex. I knew it was supposed to be the greatest thing ever, but as Jeff’s head began to move down my body I became more and more appalled. And then seeing his head there between my thighs, I had never been more mortified in my life. He lifted his head and told me I had the most beautiful vagina he’d ever seen. That only made it worse. I was horrified. My whole body was tense and I wished he’d just get it over with. As he worked at it my body responded, but my will was stronger. I didn’t like the physical sensations. I didn’t like the idea that I might lose control. I pushed him away.
And then it was my turn. I thought I knew exactly what I was supposed to do, but it was all theoretical. Remember, I’d never even seen a penis before. And there was hair, and smells, and strange alien movements. I gathered my bravado and went for it. But Jeff had also read Cosmopolitan, and had learned that you’re supposed to let your partner know exactly what you want them to do. He wouldn’t stop talking, asking me to do this or do that, use my hands more, go this way, stop this other thing, until I gave up.
I felt like an idiot and a failure. I was supposed to know how to do these things. Isn’t it instinctive? Why did I not find his penis attractive? Why did it, in truth, repulse me?
The logical assumption here is that maybe I was gay. Of course that did occur to me, and I gave the thought a good deal of consideration. But I found female genitalia even more repulsive. I decided I’d simply placed to many expectations where they didn’t belong, and shouldn’t have assumed I’d be a sex goddess from the start, even though everyone seemed to think it was supposed to work that way.
While the sex was a disappointment to me, it wasn’t to Jeff, and what was supposed to be a physical relationship only developed into something more. We got married, and had a big wedding with all the pomp and frills. I spoke to Jeff about my inhibitions, and he promised to help me try to get past them. He understood that his attempted direction had put me off of oral sex, but I was afraid to tell him that it went beyond that. I didn’t like or want sexual pleasure. I didn’t mind trying to appease his libido, but that’s all it was for me, an appeasement. Because you can’t have a marriage without sex, can you?
When my first son was born, I saw a magazine with an article titled, “Get Your Sex Life Back.” I was thrilled, I thought it would have suggestions on how to increase my libido. Instead it was geared toward women with high libidos, explaining how to work more sex into your schedule. And ever since I have seen this as the general way of things. Women are expected to want to have sex, and to want it often. There’s no help or support for women who don’t fit this description. It makes me feel like a total freak, ashamed and afraid to ask for help.
And now the years have passed, and having five kids with busy schedules has made it all too easy to avoid sex. I feel horrible about this. My husband deserves more and better.
I know I need help, but I don’t know where that help should come from. Jeff has not tried to help me get over my inhibitions as he said he would, but has been very understanding about my aversions, far more understanding than the majority of men probably would be. I don’t know if this is psychological, a result of my upbringing, or if it might be something as simple as a hormone imbalance. Some might even say that if my experience was broader I might feel differently. Maybe that’s true, but I doubt it.
I wonder if I’m really the only one on the planet that could happily live out my life without ever having sex again. Scientists seem a lot more interested in giving men erections than in making women receptive to them. Maybe there are others out there who are ashamed to come forward, as I certainly have been. But I want to like sex. I want to be that sex goddess I always thought I’d be. But for me, that’s like wanting to be a rock star and yet not even capable of speech.
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Andrea
I have just the opposite problem but that’s neither here nor there. I think you’ve thought about this a great deal and the next logical step would be to seek professional help. Have your hormone levels checked, speak to a licensed therapist. You’ve acknowledged that there’s a problem and now it’s the time to try and get help.
Andreas last blog post..Remember Me?
Maria
A lot your early experiences mirror mine exactly. Early masturbation, late entry into the world of sex with other people. I’ve probably done the deed a total of 10 times in the past year, and I’m ashamed to say that. I feel like a neglectful wife, and when I consider the whole topic too much I get a knot in my stomach.
I’m hoping things will pick up when I’m not breastfeeding anymore, but that’s probably more than a year away. (In the meantime I feel obligated to dole out BJ’s, but keep passing out at night before I remember I had that on my to-do list.)
I don’t have advice for you other than it may be worth it to see a sex counselor type person (if that wouldn’t mortify you beyond belief.)
J
I don’t know if something like this would help, but it is a suggestion.
http://vixen-goodinbed.blogspot.com/search/label/sex%20drive
Also, NOT being on Birth Control pills helped a lot for me.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
Oh, God bless you.
I, too, was raised in a conservative Christian family. However, my parents were strongly “pro sex,” just within marriage. I didn’t date much in high school or college, but I REALLY wanted to.
I was 26 when I was kissed for the first time. I was 30 when I started dating my husband. I was 31 when we got married. We didn’t have sex until our wedding night. We’ve been married almost three years. We don’t have children. I DO have libido, but often not as much as I wish I had, or that I think I should have.
What I’d suggest for you is that you start with a physical exam with a doctor who will TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. A doctor might be tempted to brush you off because you have five kids or because your husband has “stuck with you” or for any number of silly reasons. If so, find a different doctor.
Once you determine what might or might not be happening physically, you should consider counseling. I KNOW this is a scary proposition. Therapy/counseling usually is for most people. I’ve been in therapy for seven years (for reasons outside of the sexual realm) and for the past year with a really good psychiatrist. It is NOT fun. And sometimes I HATE it. But it’s been so worth it.
I applaud your courage to put this out there. I hope you’re able to find the help you desire, whatever form that takes.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..Mmmm… pine… mmmm…
Twitter: ramblingreba
Mr Lady
Oh, honey!
First: You are to be ADMIRED for trying. Most women with no libido just don’t. Your husband is one lucky man.
Second: You are to be ADMIRED for talking about it. Most women with no libido just don’t.
Third: Nope, not alone. Not at all. If anyone comes to my blog and mentions this, I’ll cut them, but by my husband and my sister in law? Could NEVER have sex again, happily. My sister in law, especially. She’s just never liked it, and she’s never going to.
Fourth: Dude, I too grew up in a crazy conservative home. When MY period started, my mother knew it was because I was having sex. Yes, she thought sex started menstration. That was fun, let me tell you what.
My point is this: Your issue goes WAY back further than you think. All the romance novels and porn and stuff are TOTALLY irrelevant. Your sex thing has to do with your childhood. I still can’t let anyone go down on me, and I LOVE sex. I can’t use toys, I can’t handle oral, none of it. I’ also thought I just liked girls, and I ended up being wrong about that.
I got lucky and found my comfort zone.
Look, Lotus’s comments are totally getting hijacked by me. You are MORE than welcome to email me if you’d like, anytime. I have TONS of thoughts on this.
Mr Ladys last blog post..This Almost Doesn’t Make Sense to Me, Either.
witchypoo
You totally deserve a fulfilling sex life. At times, it was the only thing that calmed my nerves after the aggro of living with a man.
If masturbation felt good then, why not take it up again, but this time, perhaps with the assistance of your husband?
Outside of therapy, a glass of wine or two might help relax you a bit. Drink it slowly while washing one another in a luxurious bath. Bathing together is said to be good, clean fun, and the smells might be less revolting to you when both are clean and moisturized. Look at me, Dr. Ruth.
I hope some of these suggestions might be helpful.
witchypoos last blog post..Carrot Cake-Better Than Mens?
MidLifeMama
I was a late bloomer, waiting until I was 25 before I lost my virginity. I wasn’t raised in a terribly conservative family, we had “Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex” on the shelf in our house. But I was deadly afraid of disease and getting pregnant. Looking back I am glad I waited until I did. I don’t have the libido problem you describe, or at least didn’t until I had a baby and hit perimenopause but that is another story. I also don’t think that any of the bits and pieces, male or female, are particularly attractive. And I am NOT a fan of oral sex. It takes too long and is just smelly. I don’t think you are all that unusual in parts of what you describe. However, I agree with the other commentors, you probably need to talk this through with a professional. You may find it is psychological, or hormonal, or a combination of both. There is no shame in any of it. I have been in therapy, I think everyone should try it at least once. The only person who is going to be your best advocate is you. Maybe you will find an answer that helps you find a libido, or maybe you find that you can be okay with where you are. It is the fact you are NOT okay with where you are that is important right now. So go forth and seek guidance. Good Luck!
MidLifeMamas last blog post..Half a century…
Krista
Oh yeah, I second the therapist suggestions. It really does seem like your upbringing has shaped how you see sex. The fact that you want to change means that you just need a little help!
And I totally agree with you on the smells. Ew! My hubby has beard so he doesn’t get to come anywhere near me until he washes his face after doing “the job”.
Washing first helps, as does being well hydrated. It makes the smells way less concentrated.
I think possibly that having many children could have affected things as well! I was all gung-ho for sex when we were first married and now I really could care less if we had it once a month. Obviously that doesn’t go over so well with the hubby… but you get my point.
So, definitely, get to a doctor and check your physical stuff out. But I would highly recommend a counselor. Find one you trust. I’ve tried counseling in the past and if you just don’t feel comfortable, try someone else. Seriously, you have to be comfortable to trust what they say/ask you to try.
One last thought – have you tried writing this out to your husband? It seems like he’s pretty supportive of you, maybe it would help if he understood more of what you’re thinking? I know writing works for me so it’s just a suggestion.
Good luck and I think you’re on the path simply by wanting to change!
Kristas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Oregon Sky
Barbara
I think counselling would definitely help. It sounds like you need to come to terms with quite a lot. I also wander if couples counselling might help a bit – seems to me like this is a journey your husband would be happy to help with, I think he maybe just doesn’t know how to go about it.
Well done for having the courage to write about this. I hope you find some resolution and I hope we hear from you again sometime soon.
Barbaras last blog post..33/365 – One Out, One In
Jennifer
Oh I know how you feel. I was a late bloomer. I began dating a guy in high school and I really thought it was the best I would do. Two kids and 10 years later he left. Since he has been gone, people ask me how I can go without having sex. Why don’t I date? It’s been almost four years. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I want any girls either. I just don’t like sex. I think everyone is just different. But if you want to change, I guess you already made the first effort. Good luck.
Jennifers last blog post..Casserole
Veronica
I don’t have any advice, or even any suggestions really. Definitely see a doctor (an understanding one!) and get your hormone levels checked and maybe try a therapist?
You are amazing for being able to talk about it here and for trying and wanting to try.
Veronicas last blog post..Isaac
Jenni
While I have many of the same similary experiences in young childhood (the books, the desire, the parents, etc…), I went the opposite to the experience. I loved it, love it, and want more of it.
My husband, however, has a low (if any) libido. We can go months or even a year without and there’s always and excuse. I love him, I know he loves me, and I have learned to appreciate the little things.
My suggestion is to make sure that you DO the little things. Rub his back, hold him while you sleep, be close to him. I find that as long as my husband is doing those things I am okay with the little sex; but when he stops showing those affections, I have a more difficult time being supportive of the low libido.
I’ve even considered having us take classes together in body massage or something to help keep us close physical even without the sex. Sometimes the touch is enough to keep me happy. It’s a matter of finding a way to keep us both satisfied.
Jennis last blog post..Super Bowl XVIII Commercials
lceel
The question is – are you disappointed because of what you feel – or don’t feel, or is it because of what society seems to say you should be feeling?
A thorough physical with a proper assessment of hormone levels would seem to be in order. An appointment with a psychiatrist, who can then refer you to a reputable therapist, would also seem to be in order – AFTER the physical exam rules out any hormone imbalance or the presence of some pathology.
Now. Oral sex does NOT have to be smelly. In fact, showering together BEFORE sex can go a long way toward reducing the possibility of obnoxious smells, and can be helpful in getting things started.
Sex in the dark can help you focus on what you feel – not what you see. You can add sight later.
Do something – anything – try everything to get this fixed. Not because of what you think you owe your husband – but because of what you owe to yourself. Sex can be a glorious experience – it should be. It should leave you glowing and breathless. And make sure your husband is made aware of the fact he has done nothing to help and that he needs to participate in hte process of discovery for you.
lceels last blog post..So, We Flew
Twitter: lceel
Shannon
Wanting to want sex is a GREAT place from which to start. There are obviously many factors which play into it and it’s unlikely any of this will be resolved without the help of a compassionate and understanding doctor. Don’t settle for anything less. It’s hard to talk about these things, whether it’s the physical or emotional side of the issue. But it would be so worth it to figure it out. Just be patient with yourself. You are DEFINITELY not alone in your upbringing affecting your sex life. Don’t give up on yourself! You are worth figuring this whole thing out.
Shannons last blog post..My Son, the Masochist
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
I’ve heard of women with this same problem getting testosterone shots and they say it changes their lives.
Then again (and I really don’t want you to take this the wrong way) but maybe your husband could groom more and fix some of the smell and hair issues.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..Life Should Not Imitate “Trainspotting”
Karleigh
I’m 22, and I’ve never been really kissed or had sex. I feel so behind all my peers, and it’s not like I don’t want to be with someone, it’s just that I haven’t found anyone who even interests me that is also interested in me. I discovered masturbation early on as well, and I very much enjoy it. I hope I enjoy sex as much as I enjoy masturbation, but now that I’ve read this, I fear I won’t. I hope things get better for you.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
@Karleigh
Karleigh, hugs to you, too… I was 26 when I was kissed for the first time and 31 when I had sex for the first time. The first time I had sex was on my wedding night, and I know waiting is NOT the norm now. I’m not here to tell you that you SHOULD wait, so don’t worry.
At 22, I knew I would wait until I was married to have sex, BUT that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be close to someone. It was hard. Oh, my first kiss came on my 26th birthday. The next day, he told me he couldn’t date me anymore. I wish I had that kiss back. The only other person I’ve kissed is my husband.
My point? Waiting for a good one is SO worth it, for that first “real” kiss and for sex.
Again, no preaching. Many, many hugs.
Rebecca
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..Mmmm… pine… mmmm…
Twitter: ramblingreba
kompostela
You are not alone. A lot of women have the same problem but they are afraid to tell this and that’s why most of magazines don’t write about them.
Looks like the story of my grandmother but she was never brave to admit that it’s a problem
kompostelas last blog post..Weekly Winners, January 11-17
Anonymous
Thank you so much for posting this. And thank you for everyone’s comments. They are helping me too.
I feel very similar. I have never ever ever talked about it. I’m even freaked out commenting – But, just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. I had sort of an aha moment when thinking about it – I grew up in a fucked up conservative house. My older sister (by 7 years)taught me everything (while I was watching her and her boyfriend go at it.) However, I don’t understand why I’ve never really put it together – but I had some sexual abuse in my past. I always thought that it didn’t impact me – I’m a happy well adjusted successful working mom. But, I have zero libido. Sex is not painful or horrible (however, I absolutely REFUSE to give or receive oral.) I usually orgasm and that feels good. I just am never “in the mood.” I have sex because it’s my duty as a wife.
Anyway – thanks and please follow up on here if you can. Let us know how it’s going – what you did – if it has changed. Shoot, you should start a nolibdo blogspot page.
Anonymous
Reading this post is like reading my mind. I could easily go without sex. I have no desire and truthfully it doesn’t feel that good to me.
I’ve spoken to my OB-Gyn about this and she put me on a different type of brith control but that doesn’t seem to help. What’s even more frustrating to me is that when i was younger I couldn’t get enough sex…and I’m not that old now. Only 26.
My only advice for you is to do it often. Start it even if you don’t feel like it. Sometimes just doing it makes it seem more exciting.
Also, try going for it at different times in the day. I found that I have the highest (if you could call it that) libido in the afternoon. (Which is unfortunate since I’m usually at work then)
Best of luck!
Megan
I had the same early masturbation thing, but it turned me off it, I can’t do it it does nothing for me, sex on the other hand I enjoy. I do believe early childhood affects you in adulthood, my boyfriend when unable to help me when I needed sex one time and asked why I didn’t just masturbate and it cause no matter how much I try it does nothing for me, but you are so brave for doing this post, I could have never admitted that if someone had not been as brave as you. I do agree with the others therapy could do you wonders. Good Luck I hope you find what you want.
Megans last blog post..I’m a Jerk Face
Me
I had a libido once. It was great. It’s been gone for 7 yrs now. I would rather scrub my floors with a toothbrush then have sex. It bothers dh a lot more than it bothers me
The Glamorous Life
Many woman who simply do not have the ability to allow their body to feel the release of sex have had a traumatic experience in childhood. something that has shamed them in some way. Not necessarily rape or anything that bad. Could be a family member mocking your figure, or seeing your father naked and erect. I know sounds weird and creepy…but what I want to say is this; You need to find a therapist who can help you really identify what is going on. This is NOT A PHYSICAL issue. It is mental.
Good luck. Is it worth it? It can be. Its not always amazing. But when it is? Oh my gosh you will be glad you did the work to get to a point where you can totally enjoy it!
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..Wall Candy…no you don’t lick it.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
@theglamorouslife, but don’t you agree that a good place to start is to see if there’s something physical going on that could make the situation worse?
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..Mmmm… pine… mmmm…
Twitter: ramblingreba
The Glamorous Life
@Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba),
Very very rarely is this a physical thing. UNLESS you have other symptoms. Pain during sex, hairy chest, chin or back (can be sign of PolyCystic disease), night sweats (pre-mature menopause) etc……what I mean to say is…if you feel physically NORMAL in every other way, it is HUGE chance this is a mental thing. A FIXABLE mental thing. The reason you have been unable to ‘fix’ yourself so far is that part of your subconcience doesn’t want you ‘fixed’. That part wants you to STAY AWAY FROM SEX.
You are on your way. Find a professional. You might have no idea what potential this work could lead you too. beyond sex. About feeling DH love and your own self acceptance.
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..Wall Candy…no you don’t lick it.
Sticky
I think you are so brave to come out and talk about it. I have intense conversations in my head about my issues, but have never gotten as far as you have – -good for you.
It sounds like so many of us have issues…I never would have guessed. I guess it’s easy to isolate yourself if you feel “abnormal”.
I hope you go and see your doctor. It’s a good first step, (I have an appointment next week) therapy is difficult, but helpful.
I’ll be thinking about you and I hope you can help yourself. Thank you so much for posting
Stickys last blog post..Any excuse to drop his pants…
Jennifer A
I thought I was a late bloomer. And you are not alone.
I think everyone has said what I was going to say. I grew up in a very strict Catholic household, we DID NOT talk about things like sex and menstration, but they sent me to health class so they wouldn’t have to. Questions were strongly discouraged and mostly ignored. I was an only child so I didn’t have anyone I could really talk to.
My libido has gotten lower as I get older. My hubby has learned to live with it. We’ve been together so long there is a lot more to our relationship and sometimes you just give in to not listen to the whining. I don’t have a doc who I can talk to, she blew me off last year when I rated my sex life and my mental health with negative numbers.
I hope you are able to find some good answers. And a good doc.
Zoeyjane
You’ve taken a good first step in posting this – look at all of the feedback, the people that care, and how common non-libido is…I agree 100% with MrLady and the commenters that have recommended some therapy. I think hormonally, if something was up, more than just libido would be a prevalent – and it seems like you do, too.
Here’s the thing you didn’t really seem to address that comes to mind: are you close, happy, with your husband?
And just to throw it out there…viagra, though no long term tests have been done, is shown to have a very positive effect on the female sexual response.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Holding it all Together
Jenny
I think you’re brave to step forward and write this and I hope you recognize that about yourself. My advice is first, to stop comparing yourself to the rest of the world. So your sex life began later than most- I think thats a good thing. Who cares what the norm is or what average age teenagers loose their virginity? Its irrelevant.
Ask for help- find a good psychiatrist and get started! Be your own advocate. Im sure you wouldn’t be the first patient any psychiatrist had seen with this issue, or the last. Best of luck to you
Tiffany
I could have written half of your post. I didn’t have my first kiss until i was 19 and i married the guy. My hubby has been my only sex partner. I don’t really care for sex but i think being on my birth control helps contribute to that. I don’t HATE it, but i don’t wanna do it 24/7 like my husband does. Most times i just do it to please him, like you said. I would go to your gyno and have them run blood tests to check your hormonal balance. I had this done but it seems mine are ok. My doc suggested i start drinking wine. LOL Good luck and just know that you are not alone.
P.S. I think penis’ are ugly so there =p
Tiffanys last blog post..I Need Your Help
perpstu
I think you have taken a huge step in putting this out there. I go through periods….looooong periods…..where sex is the last thing on my mind and yet I manage to go through the motions. The fact that you recognize your low libido and inhibitions are causing you problems is a huge step. You WANT to change things.
I would start with a therapist. Your childhood probably does have a lot to do with the problem and working through that might just open a huge door that you could fly right through.
Good luck. I hope you’ll repost and give us a progress report! (((HUGS)))
perpstus last blog post..Baby Mine – How Did You Get Here?
Twitter: perpstu
Maggie's Mind
I wish I had tons of great advice, but since I don’t, I will heartily second the opinions of those who applaud your courage to write all of this out and lay it before us for suggestions and who recommend that you find some kind of help. I don’t know enough to debate the medical vs. mental, but perhaps starting with your doctor could point you in the right direction? You deserve to enjoy sex. You clearly care about your husband’s contentment, and it sounds like he is understanding of you, so hopefully you will be able to walk this journey together. I wish you all the best.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 2/1/09
The Stiletto Mom
You need to put your parents voices out of your head forever and ever. I had much the same issues growing up Catholic where sex is dirty and icky and in the eyes of the wives back then, just something you had to do. Stop thinking and concentrate on your body and what it feels like. Easier said than done but 15 years into my marriage, and after 10 that I felt similar things…just the whole not into it thing…life is GOOD. Again, stop thinking and just feel. Best wishes to you!
The Stiletto Moms last blog post..This Cannot Be A Good Sign
CourtneyRyan
Oh sweetie. I want to pour you a glass of wine and talk this out on the couch by the fire place!
You’ve thought a lot about this and from what you’ve reported here, I’d be hesitant to define you as asexual. I’m feeling that your upbringing has put some hurdles in place, but the fact that your body does respond to – achem – stimulus says that you’re a sexual being. (I actually know an asexual person. Nothing they do gets them aroused.)
If you really want help, and it seems that you do, talk to your ob/gyn and hopefully they can recommend a good therapist who specializes in this.
If you want some layperson help you can email me at courtneyryan369 at gmail dot com and I can further share some ideas that have gotten me (and some friends) through some low libido points…but like I said, I’m not a professional…I just like sex!
One last thing and I’ll stop. I understand that you want this for your husband…but keep in mind that sex is a wonderful beautiful thing that benefits you too!
CourtneyRyans last blog post..Ruts?
Jessica
That you WANT to have sex, and your body responded to your husbands attempts, to me doesn’t sound like a lack of libido, but a control issue. You don’t want to be out of control. And those magazines and books, I read them too and they give such an unrealistic idea of what to expect. I was horrified when i saw my first penis. And to this day oral sex leaves me uncomfortable. I try to relax and remember that he enjoys all those gross noises, and smells, and what have you. I would recommend seeing a therapist of some kind, but would urge you to stay away from the church therapists as they seem to be hit or miss on sex in my experience. I hope you can find some pleasure in sex soon.
Melissa
You are NOT alone – in fact, you’re in very good company. I’m there with you – and on an academic note, so is 15-20% of the female population. To demonstrate how common your feelings are, I can tell you that I’ve watched at least three Oprah shows myself on the exact topic… And I read articles about it all the time (i’m a healthcare provider, also…). You are NOT alone… The guilt I feel makes it so much worse – it’s such a vicious cycle… Thank you for sharing.
Rachael
I’m sorry that you have to go through this, and I can imagine how alone you’ve probably been feeling with no one to talk to about this. I agree with what people have said – I think that seeing a therapist could really help a lot. It might be uncomfortable at first, but think of all you could get out of it! You might actually be able to get to a place where you could enjoy sex, get closer to your husband, and feel more empowered as a woman. Good luck to you!
Rachaels last blog post..Heads or Tails: Peace Be With Them
Twitter: rachael1013
Jill
What an awesome discussion. I have absolutely no advice, but rather I’m gaining a lot of good insight to the information posted as well.
Thanks for bringing up this topic!
Jills last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Beck
You poor girl!
A lot of people have suggested seeing a counseller – there are therapists who specialize in sexual issues, which suggests that you’re certainly not alone.
Not every sex act is for everyone, right? There’s not a law that says “You will enjoy oral!” or whatever. So if you don’t, maybe that’s just you. Everyone doesn’t have to have the same desires.
On a practical note, a lot of my friends find that they enjoy sex more if they have a glass of wine or two first.
Becks last blog post..WE Lived!
SECRET AGENT MAMA
No advice other than what’s already been given, I just wanted to applaud you for having the courage to write this out and post it here. That’s the first step.
((HUGS))
Dawn
I want to give you a great. big. hug.
Now – I think you talking about this is fantastic. You now have the email addresses of lots of like minded, or empathetic and understanding people.
Someone mentioned a blog – how about a ning group? You can maintain your anonymity and invite people to a private area (heh heh) to keep this conversation going.
If it were me (and frankly, it sort of is) I’d need to get back to basics and find my orgasm again. By myself.
And then, because I can find the orgasm and be kind of automatic about (buzz, couple mins pass, thinking about the laundry, orgasm) I’d practice enjoying the road to orgasm (buzz, hmm, that’s nice, oh yeah, that’s nice too, buzz, mmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM! orgasm. now go back to thinking about the laundry.
)
And I’m really on the serious with that ning group.
Email anytime.
Adena
You are SO BRAVE to put this out there into the world. I think many people are afraid to admit that they feel the same way you do. Sex isn’t as easy, beautiful, wonderful, or attractive as the media makes it out to be.
I was very sexual in my 20s and 30s when I wasn’t very happy, and now in my 40s, I’m happier but a lot less sexual. Not sure why exactly. But I think people can happily live without sex. The problem is if they WANT to, or if their partner wants to.
I’m not going to give advice, but just want to say: thanks for being so brave.
jennielynn
You’ve taken an important step, putting this out there. It sounds like you do need to get to the bottom of this, with medical and psychological help. But remember, you’re not doing this for your husband, wonderful as he may be, you’re doing it for you.
jennielynns last blog post..More Missed Connections
lynette
I say that you are stronger than you think for being able to say what a lot of women FEEL.
That alone says alot about you. Therapy maybe? I know how you feel. My parents never discussed sex, my mom just said don’t do it until you get married. (didn’t help –went completely opposite, in fact)
It probably will take a lot of hitting & missing, but you’ll come to your happy medium.
lynettes last blog post..A Not so Nursery Rhyme
A Lil' Irish Lass
I applaud your bravery in coming out to talk about this…even if it is anonymously through Lotus’s blog.
This post touched me because, though I “love sex,” I’ve recently come to realize that what I love about it is the connection I have with the other person. The actual sex? I could take it or leave it. There’s a long history of this in my family – all of the women in my maternal line are frigid. None of them have ever had orgasms from sex and I’m starting to worry that I’m just next in line.
We have a very open family and I grew up knowing about sex and feeling perfectly comfortable to discuss it with my parents. Even my grandparents. It was never something to be saved for marriage, never something dirty or wrong. BUT I did grow up with the notion that it was all that men want and that it’s something most women just put up with. Not the healthiest view.
I don’t have much by way of advice but I did want to write in to let you know that you’re not the only one out there who feels this way. Good luck!
A Lil’ Irish Lasss last blog post..My Dirty Lil’ Secret
Anonymous
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I used to have a great sex drive but now it has all but vanished. I’m only in my late thirties too – I worry for my poor husband!! Thankfully he’s patient and kind, but it’s still difficult at least for me. I’ve spoken with my doctor who says that it is normal for women to lose their libido as they age.
Have you thought about getting therapy? It could possibly help.
Joie at Canned Laughter
Big hug.
My Gyno Girl aka best gynocologist evah recommended surgery for my after childbirth discomfort (read painful intercourse from everything getting stretched out of place). Not only do I not have to wear Depends anymore, but “relations” are wunnerful. Seriously, the advice to see a good gyno who will listen & run hormone tests is spot on.
After that, you may want to read up on Attachment Disorder. It comes in many forms including the inability to enjoy sexual intimacy and can be helped with trust exercises.
Sending much love your way.
Joie at Canned Laughters last blog post..31/365
Anna Ellis
You’re a wonderful guest blogger.
I’m really sorry to hear about your issues with sex. It sounds to me like from childhood you were taught to repulse sex, you’re just living it out. I know by reading this blog that you’re stronger then that. Have you ever thought about taking a class? I know that sounds so stupid, but I have watched shows with the sexual classes you can go to with you’re husband. Like everything, it might just take time.
*Huge Hugs From Austin!*
Anna E
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I’m no expert by any means except in the fact that I *do* enjoy sex. A lot. With my hubby. (And I have only been with two men and this last one for 12+ years so its not the “experience” thing.)
Honestly? I think it has to do with self-confidence, body image and that fear of “losing control”. Really, your head won’t pop off and you won’t explode into teensie tiny little pieces if you let go a bit.
But Joie is exactly right – a good doctor can prescribe hormones or other therapy that could go a long way in providing some big results!
Best of luck to you! Half the battle is admitting there’s a problem, and it took BIG amounts of guts (anonymous or no!) to come out in this way!
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..When worlds collide
Twitter: mommy_wins
Carolyn
I won’t spend time repeating all of the wonderful suggestions from everyone so I’ll just say this, SHAVE, SHAVE, SHAVE! Get your husband to shave/trim it up and it’s not nearly as gross. Do the same for yourself. It really helps, hair is yuk.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Even if it is hormonal, I fully believe in the mind-body connection. My line of thinking is if there’s hormonal problems, it’s still somehow rooted in your consciousness. And with your upbringing in regards to sex, it isn’t a stretch of the imagination to think there’s some serious stuff going on in your head about it.
Personally, I would explore hormonal testing, just to maybe get some kind of forward movement with this problem, but I would definitely seek out psychological therapy too, hopefully with someone with good cognitive therapy experience.
I like intercourse, but frankly, I could live the rest of my life without oral sex.
Honeybell
I too, strongly recommend a thorough physical and just as importantly, an appointment with a therapist. I want to tell you how admirable I think you are. It’s a hard thing to talk about, even anonymously. I guarantee that with this post, you are not only helping yourself, but other women as well.
I think in the meantime, Explain to your husband what you’re going through, and he is going to have to help. Try having a lot of physical contact with your husband, but stop when you become uncomfortable. Take showers together (that was always the worst part of oral for me, you’re gonna put your mouth WHERE?) Given the history, it may take a while to stop thinking of sex as something to be disdained, instead to think of it as a wonderful way to share the most of yourself with your husband.
Be patient, it will happen.
Lori
I had very similar issues. Except I went the slut route trying to figure it all out. And nothing did anything for me. But, I never had an actual orgasm. So, I never really enjoyed it. Once I got a “toy” and experienced an orgasm things got much better for me. I also read a book by the Berman sister, I think it’s called For Women Only. They had a lot of explanations for why women have low libidos and it helped, if nothing else, to make me realize that I was fairly normal.
Loris last blog post..Red mean stop!
Tarasview
I just wanted to tell you I totally understand.
Tarasviews last blog post..The No-Cry Nap Solution- review
Boe
I almost cried when I started reading your post. I had sex from the time I was 19, and with a variety of men. (Just typing that makes me a little nauseous; it’s not something I’m proud of). I was raised Catholic, but my parents never made sex out to be dirty or wrong. I just went a little wild after high school, I guess.
Anyway, sex just never did a whole lot for me, and now? Nada, nothing, zilch. Like you, if I never had sex again, I would be perfectly happy. I do feel badly for my husband, but frankly, the marriage isn’t that great, so I don’t feel as bad as I might if things were good.
I have no advice (obviously). Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and I feel a little better knowing I’m not.
Jill
Okay I am going to assume that this is a real deal. Go to a therapist. A lot of times workplaces will pay for a few sessions. If you don’t have a job, use your husband’s insurance. If you don’t have insurance, but you are in college/school, use their facility. Or buck up and get it paid for with your hard earned/husband’s hard earned money. Also, if you’re on any hormonal birth control, stop it. It kills libido. Let’s just say that I know. If you’re done with kids have hubby get a snip snip and be done with it. Or get a non hormonal IUD put in. Or do anything to avoid extra hormones. Have you asked your husband to try different things for you? Or have you considered just thinking of England but taking care of your own needs via a toy or taking it into your own hands, so to speak? you may find that you enjoy that, and that might lead to enjoyment with your husband. But I think therapy should be #1. Also, ALL penises look weird, whether they are drawn or on a man. They just do. They’re built for 2 purposes, peeing and making beings. They’re a delivery system, pure and simple. When’s the last time a delivery system of any type looked good? Also for the love of God take some time for yourself. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have 5 kids all vying for your attention when you don’t have any ‘happy’ in your life.
Jills last blog post..Games we play #212
A lot like you
I can relate to 88% of this post. I feel much the same, and I honestly get a little annoyed at all the people that think you have to have a good sex life to fully enjoy life. SERIOUSLY? If I never had sex again, I will not feel my life has been wasted or my love for my hubby is ANY less. (okay.,..so I know I sound pissy…and I am…life isn’t all about SEX and I’m frankly sick of the media making it so.)
okay…I do think that if you want to feel better about sex, and improve your sex life it is WAY more about the mental stuff than the physical. Being replused by the human body, or the acts of sex is not at all about hormones. I feel the same as you in regards to the replusion. I mean seriously, doesn’t having oral sex just complete fly in the face of “wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” ick!
I am rambling….but mostly just need you to know that there is nothing WRONG with you. You feel the way many folks do, and it can be worked out with counseling. It is totally mental! I have yet to seek counseling for my issues, as I am not motivated to change it. When I have sex it is good…orgasim is good….but I never sit around wishing I was having sex instead. And I don’t want to do oral ever, and I don’t think that makes me WRONG!
hugs! YOu are sooooooooooo not alone. in fact, 60% of my friends only have sex to please their hubbies. They enjoy it when doing it (usually), but would rather get some sleep, or read a good book.
Michelle
As others have said, if you do want to change this I would first discuss it with your gyn and if she/he can’t find a physical/chemical reason for it then I would seek a therapist. I’m sorry you are struggling – sex can be such a wonderful part of marriage.
Michelles last blog post..Giveaway! A little spice for Valentine’s Day
Michelle
Wow! I thought I was the only one who was pulled out of ‘sex-education’ class in grammar school. Guess not. My mother thought that knowledge (about sex) leads to promiscuity. Well, as the only one of her 5 kids who didn’t get pregnant young and unmarried, I guess I should be glad.
I, too, went looking for info on sex from books, movies, fiends, etc. Just goes to prove you better talk to your kids about sex, because they’ll learn about it elswhere instead.
I don’t usually have a problem with libido, however several medications have had an impact on this. Personally, I feel that if certain meds can decrease your libido, then there’s probably meds that will work to increase it as well.
Someone mentioned viagra (maybe it was you, I forget.) I believe they were studying its use for women also.
You are to be commended for your honesty. Also, you have 5 children, little to no interest in sex, and really are committed to working to better your sex life — You go, girl.
divacowgirl
Someone might have already recommended this, there were just too many comments for me to read. You certainly aren’t abnormal, I use to sell sex toys via home parties and I heard this a lot.
I seriously recommend masturbating. I can imagine it’s difficult to find private time with children and all, but if you can, spend some time by yourself and get to know your body. I have found that most women are inhibited or disinterested because they are, at some level, uncomfortable or unaware of their own sexual being.
Getting to know your body, what feels good and what doesn’t is crucial for enjoying and wanting sex with your partner.
divacowgirls last blog post..crush a dream?
Twitter: divacowgirl
Tranny Head
There ARE people who specialize in female sexual arousal difficulties out there. If you type in “female low arousal” in google, I bet you’ll be directed to all kinds of literature (medical … I would skip all the herbal remedy crap). I remember hearing that 1 in 10 women suffer from low arousal. So I’m sure you’re not alone.
Tranny Heads last blog post..Totally Incensed Tuesday 34: Pennsylvania
Deb
I second all the suggestions for masturbating. Definitely get a vibrator and experiment. This way, if you are alone, you won’t feel as self conscious.
I was put on Wellbutrin a couple of years ago for other reasons, but one of the side effects was that my drive went way up! I spoke with my doctor about this, and apparently they have found that Wellbutrin can have that side effect.
Debs last blog post..Hi, my name is Deb…
Cindy
Thank you for posting this.
Anon
You are incredibly brave for even getting this far. I’m not going to say too much, because many of my feelings are echoed above.
A close friend tried this on advice from a sex therapist – she was advised to spend a half hour a day maturbating, and after a couple of weeks, her husband would join her and simply be there with her. I know this sounds even more uncomfortable, but the theory was that she learned to let go and orgasm in front of her husband, without having to worry about his sexual needs.
Krissy
I sell adult “toys” and trust me when i say that I have spoke to many a women and men about this problem.
First and foremost, check with your doc about any meds you may be on. There is always a side effect from drugs. Think back to the 70′s and how many side effects happened there. LOL.
Second, there are many “potions” that help with the libido. There are a ton of different things to try. And I cannot get into it here but look for something that you can apply hours before your “bed time.”
I have a bunch of different suggestions yet I don’t want to get into them on a comment section of a blog. Look for a Partygals Consultant in your area. http://www.partygals.biz. You will not be sorry you did. And don’t be embarrassed. Believe me when I say that this is a very common issue. Very.Very.Common. And it is something that with knowledge and patience you can overcome.
Good luck. You can email me if you have further questions and don’t feel like speaking face to face with a consultant.
Krissys last blog post..Some overdue thank yous.
joseph
iRT8LW http://wnbUj5n0mXqpcvm27Hms.biz
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