Cramming nuts and wieners in my mouth. Oh yeah. I said it.
So, I recently made you read about how my mouth stinks and my pits are a sweaty mess of BO pretty regularly lately, but that it’s just a mild distraction from the nest of greasy hair in knots all around my face and the bags of fat hanging off my waist and ass.
Er, or maybe I just said I’ve stopped having good hygiene and I’ve gained weight. Hm. Words words words.
Well, I’m trying to smell less like ass and stop being a jiggly mass of cellulite speckled, moving J-E-L-L-O (Pit Sweat Flavor), and I figured that since I let you in on that, I’d go ahead and offer an update on “How this stupid shit is going so far.”
Did I just call my Unfattening and Destanking “stupid shit?” Why, I did, didn’t I? I must be bitter about the whole thing.
You already know that I wandered into the kitchen at 3am one night and crammed my mouth full of sticky smashed peanuts. Mmmm, peanut porn.
Well, every damn night I’ve been telling myself once I look up and see it’s about 9:30 or so, “Okay, Lotus. NOT GOING TO EAT ANYTHING ELSE TONIGHT.”
And then around 10:30 I look at myself and I’m all, “So, what are we gonna eat!? Pretzels? Beer? Oh, hell yah.”
And, ok. So, I’d call that mild failure so far.
But what’s NOT mild failure? Well, that would be GIANT FAILURE.
Did you think the peanut butter at 3am was bad? (No? WTF is wrong with you? That is ridiculous. You should NOT be eating a spoonful of nut (hehehehehehehehe) at 3am.)
I can top it.
Wiener.
That’s right.
That’s what I woke up cramming into my mouth the other night.
*pause*
And I’m not talking about a fun-time wiener, I’m talking about a cylinder of smashed pork lips and penises.
Oh baby, now THAT’S sexy.
That’s how I want you all to think of me.
Yes. I’m the chick standing in her kitchen at around 3am wearing underwear and a wife beater with peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth and a hot dog dangling from her lips.
And I am probably scratching my ass.
Or farting.
Ok, both.
It takes effort to be THIS SEXY.
Oh, but I’ve lost 5 lbs so far.
And if you even try to patent the peanut butter and wieners diet before I can get to the patent office, I swear I will hurt you with knives.
Mmmmm. Peanut Butter Wieners.
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thepolemommy
Your blog is hilarious!
Just get the junkfood out of the house–that’s the only way I can do it. I have no willpower, so I just can’t have the junk in the house.
Because who can resist a peanut butter weiner?
thepolemommys last blog post..Reality Is Harsh
Leanne
If the junk food’s working stock the house to the rafters with the stuff. If I could shake 5lb eating peanut butter weiners I’d do a little happy dance.
Oh, and our cheap sausages are made from teeth and arseholes, just so you know:)
Leannes last blog post..Menu Plan – 25-5 to 31-5
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Leanne,
Hah, I wish. I think the other changes I’ve made are helping, despite the late night peanut butter wieners.
Mmmm, teeth & arseholes. *licks lips*
(ugh)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
river
Is it just me, or does anyone else think that peanut butter looks like mustard?
So, is the night hours the only time you’re eating? Because that could explain the weight loss.
I’ve been making an effort to not eat after a certain time, too. I started with 9pm, going down in half-hours as I got used to the previous cut off time. Now I’m down to 7pm. I find it easier to not eat if I brush my teeth immediately after dinner. I just hate to ruin that fresh, clean mouth feeling.So how much weight have I lost? None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. really disappointing. Looks like I’m going to have to give up mid afternoon snacks after all.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@river,
Oh, hell no. Me and anorexia are not pals. I am eating plenty during the daytime.
My body is just struggling to understand that I no longer desire to be awake and consume foods at that time of night.
And here I thought I was in control of my own actions.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Kat
Now that looks seriously effing disgusting, but thank you. I think you cured me of my SO-not-on-the-diet-midnight-snack. For tonight.
Kats last blog post..Weekly Winners
Ness
My personal vice? Weiners and mayonnaise. No weight loss though, I’ll try PB next time!
Nesss last blog post..Weekly Winner
Twitter: droversrunness
WackyMummy
Ok, THAT was gross.
(I still stand by peanut butter as my #1 weight loss product. By the way, did I mention that’s pretty much all I can choke down? Yep, I hate eating.)
Good luck with your weiner problem. Hee hee hee.
WackyMummys last blog post..I Don’t Normally Like Surprises, But When They’re This Good….
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@WackyMummy,
I actually don’t think the peanut butter is the problem, per se. In fact, I agree with you that nut fats are important – they’re omega fats and those actually do help you lose weight – but like all things, in moderation. And NOT at 3am. When your metabolism is likely to say, “Uh, bitch, I’m asleep right now.”
Also? I LOVE TO EAT.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Kim
Oh man.. that is just gross..Congrats on the five pounds..keep doing what your doing..
Kims last blog post..Weekly Winners – Photo Session of a Beautiful Family
witchypoo
Oh, my, I’m putting my junk in the box. Five pounds is good! weiners? So gross. Really, I have to just be brutal at the source (the grocery store) If I don’t have it, I can’t eat it. I’m looking at you, ice cream.
witchypoos last blog post..Grace The Eleventh
Tara R.
Just the idea of peanut butter and weiners is enough for me to lose five pounds. Hey! Whatever works for ya!
Tara R.s last blog post..The Sound of Freedom
Twitter: Tara_R
thepolemommy
river, it DOES look like mustard. LOL!
thepolemommys last blog post..Stripper Attire
ali
ohmigod. i love you. and NOT just because you used the phrase “fun-time wiener” either…;)
alis last blog post..things I am doing…
Stephanie
I just vomited 5 lbs.
Stephanies last blog post..See Ya In The Funny Papers!
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Stephanie,
Now that’s impressive.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Haley-O
Yeah, I’ll just pretend that’s mustard – and a soy dog…. !
Haley-Os last blog post..You Said You Wanted Feet….
lceel
So .. what’s THE RACK looking like these days? Don’t go deflating Ethel and Merman. ‘K? MWAH.
Twitter: lceel
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@lceel,
Hahaha! I am behind on posting my rack shots, aren’t I? I have them on my compie. Will have to get them up soon.
I hear tell there’s to be a sighting of them right here later this week. *wink*
Now, I must get to work thinking up better names for them, sheesh!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
WackyMummy
You’re so right. I know I’m weird, not liking food in general. Maybe if I had some really good food…. ??? I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you to skip the fridge on your nightime jaunts.
WackyMummys last blog post..I Don’t Normally Like Surprises, But When They’re This Good….
Amo
And to think, I just decided to put myself on a diet…and maybe get a lock for my pantry to keep the ‘late night cravings’ at bay.
Thanks for the advice!
Amos last blog post..It’s kind of like own a pit bull, but without the ability to tie them in the yard.
jennielynn
Girl, you’re taking the sexy to a whole new level. I’ll see your peanut butter wiener and raise you a chocolate covered pretzel rod, dipped in peanut butter and chocolate syrup.
Oh yes, and that five pounds you lost? I found it and frankly I’m baffled.
jennielynns last blog post..Things That Are Making Me Smile
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Yes, but are they ORGANIC weiners and peanut butter? That may make a difference!
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Mommy guilt
Twitter: mommy_wins
LifeAsIKnowIt
OMG. That is Disgusting…
but, hey, you lost 5 pounds so maybe you’re on to something.
LifeAsIKnowIts last blog post..More Thoughts On Crackbook
perpstu
*snort* I love it. If I could stand to eat a hot dog without vomiting, I would so try this diet. On the other hand, the otter pop and marshmallow diet seems to be working well for me these days! LOL
perpstus last blog post..Wanted: One Good Playmate
Twitter: perpstu
talina
Reminds me of the times I would wake in the middle of the night with strange cravings, once I tried to drink mayo (I might have been sleep walking).
Are you taking a multivitamin? Strange middle of the night cravings could be a result of something your body is lacking. Just a thought.
Congrats on loosing the 5 lbs!
talinas last blog post..Memorial Day Weekend Recap and Coutdown to Tater’s Arrival.
shannon
That is just so unfair. I have been sticking to the a reasonable diet (read chocolate free with lots of rabbit food) and exercising like a crazy person while you are scarfing peanut butter and wieners. So far I have gained 4 pounds. My husband has a death wish, I know because he looked right at me and said “Muscle weighs more than fat.” I love him but really men are stupid.
Any way–Congrats on the weigh loss!
shannons last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-At the Lake
marymac
I’m actually hungry now. Is that weird?!
Bloggy love!
Being trashy is hot- mosey over and read about dumpster diving and other Upper White Trash fun!
marymacs last blog post..Upper White Trash
Crystal
It might taste even better if you put some jelly on it as well.
Mallorca Ferienhaus
have you ever try a stew peanut? I think it is also a good meal. Anyway this quite funny post and it really makes me laugh while reading this one.
Sarah
Oh my goodness! That’s…uh…wow. And I thought my cravings were bad!
Sarahs last blog post..Fully Armed…
Twitter: sadiecass
corina
And for those of us with a foot fetish…. pickled pigs feet will do so well……
corinas last blog post..And the culture results are……
Noah Lieske
I just decided to put myself on a diet. Thanks for the advice! Noah Lieske
Secret Agent Mama
Ahhh livin’ la vida low carb!
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..Weekly Winners LXXX
Sherry
THAT made me laugh so hard I almost peed on myself. I also wake up in the middle of the night and eat, but that’s because I love Ambien. Five pounds is good, Lotus! WTG!
Jen @Good-Dog-Health
Awesome… And gross. Peanut butter (tho not the weiners) is on the list of “super foods” from the Ab Diet. So, perhaps it’s not as bad as you think?
Tina@SendChocolate
Are you sleep-eating? Do you take Ambien? Because really, if you aren’t, I can think of much better things to eat at 3 a.m. BUT I bet you got the guys with the title of this one…thinking you were going to review some Eden Fantasys toy.
You rock so hard, and make me laugh when I should be fargin’ in bed. See how you are?
T.
Tina@SendChocolates last blog post..How to fix a suck-egg day in one easy step
amy2boys
That is positively disgusting. I like peanut butter (except that organic stuff hubs buys) and I like a grilled hot dog, but even 10 months pregnant I wouldn’t combine those!
I would put a mess of sauerkraut on that wenis.
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Philosophy of Blogging 201 – Representing! (Who Exactly?) =-.
Twitter: amy2boys