Crazy crap a mother says out loud.
- At September 8, 2009
- By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
- In Humor, My Son, Parenting, Poop/Farts, Rant
46
Just a sampling.
I said every one of these damn things out loud in the span of 3 days last week.
Not necessarily in this order.
Enjoy.
- Do NOT put that in your mouth.
- Don’t sit on the table.
- Stop yelling.
- Pee goes in the toilet.
- That’s not nice.
- The dog doesn’t like to be kicked.
- No matter how many times you scream, you’ll still have to take a nap.
- But that’s what you just asked me for.
- You pooped in your pants?
- STOP.SAYING.NO.
- Why did you put that in there?
- No, I won’t kiss your poo poo bum. (????)
- Hahaha. Ok, really, don’t honk Mommy’s boobies. Hahahahahaha.
- Seriously, you really did just ask me for this exact thing, why are screaming no when I give you what you wanted?
- That is NOT edible.
- You can’t fly!!!
- I have no idea what you’re talking about. Repeating doesn’t help.
- If you stand on that again I will take it away from you.
- No, we are not going in the car. We just got out of it.
- No, Daddy doesn’t drive a bus. He RIDES on it.
- You are being too loud.
- You need to go make a pee pee. Yes, you do! Then why are you dancing and holding your crotch?
- Get your fingers out of your mouth.
- Why did you spit on that?
- No, you may not spank my bum.
- You already flushed 3 times.
- Yes, you have to wash your hands.
- Please do not lick your hands.
- It’s ok to use the toilet in public, it won’t hurt you.
- No, that is a tampon. Give it back to Mommy, please.
- Do not fill up your mouth with milk and then let it drool out onto the floor on purpose.
- That is not dry.
- Don’t hit people with your head!
- What is that smell?
- I have no idea what you’re trying to say. I’m as frustrated as you are, REALLY.
- The dog also cannot fly. Really.
- It’s “WaNt the foRk,” dear. The N and the R really need to be pronounced.
- Some people don’t like it when you yell at them about their boobies.
- Say you’re sorry. You need to say, “Sorry for locking you out, Mommy.”
- That is NOT where you use your crayons.
- You are not supposed to ride on that.
- It’s not nice to smear your poop on the mirror.
- The ball will not come out from under the table no matter how loudly you scream at it.
- I will not respond to you if you don’t stop growling and screaming.
- Time out for 2 minutes for *insert an endless list of reasons*
- If you keep screaming, you’ll get another 2 minutes.
- I think you just said NO for the 239,785,349,823rd time. Stop it.
- Do NOT tell ME to stop it.
- Nice.
- Mommy needs a time out now.
- It is going to last MUCH LONGER THAN 2 MINUTES.
- And I am totally going to scream so I’ll get more time.
46 comments
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Kayla
Whoa! Hey, I’ve said most of that this past week too!! Well… not the parts where he has to go to the bathroom and whatnot… my son refuses to potty train still. We’re 3 months away from his 4th birthday, and we’re still changing his diapers. But I definitely found this amusing… almost an echo of our household.
One particular amusing moment today was when I was nursing the baby, and I look up to my 3 year old, and he’s pulling down the neck of his shirt, and lifting up the inner lining–supposed to resemble an undershirt, but really only a shirt collar sewn in–to expose his chest, and was pulling on his nipple. “Look, Mommy! I have milk too!”
.-= Kayla´s last blog ..Rockabilly ’40s Pin-Up Look – Entry for BlancheBabcock’s Contest! =-.
Denise
“Want the fork” left me rolling. FTW
Veronica
Yeah, have you got bugs in my house?
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..On this day =-.
dysfunctional mom
Perfect picture for the post! ha ha
My favorite is “want the fork”.
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..The Sun & the sand & a Diet Pepsi in my hand =-.
@pilateschik
You so rawk girl! I did the honking boobies thing and the I am just as frustrated just this past weekend! My kids are a tad older so that is truly sad on my end, especially with honking boobs!!
Michelle
What? That face made you say those things? Surely not.
Actually, surely yes! I can see that.
Tarasview
ya, I think you and I share a vocabulary
.-= Tarasview´s last blog ..Tegu (press release) =-.
Arkie Mama
I so needed that laugh this morning. WaNt the foRk — *snort* I don’t think that one can be topped.
.-= Arkie Mama´s last blog ..Arkie Mama: A love story =-.
christie
LMAO!
I’ve said all those too…
I’ve also said: -get those balls out of your mouth
lceel
Wat the fok. And that ‘honk the boobies’ thing? Funny, Annie won’t let ME do that either. Don’t you guys know that’s fun?
.-= lceel´s last blog ..Tuesday Tale – Inferno =-.
Twitter: lceel
Jill
That made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that.
I’d add:
- Don’t sit on your brother’s head
- It’s not about wanting to go potty. If you have go to, go!
- Sometimes the poopy just takes awhile to come out. Calm down and just relax.
- Doesn’t pooping make your belly feel better? It always makes my belly feel better.
- Yes, you can have more tomatoes, but first you have to eat some chicken nuggets (What is wrong w/ that kid?)
- Really? You’re going to take one bite of that cookie and leave the rest? I’m not sure you’re my kid!
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Trudging Forward =-.
Jared
Awesome list!
I would have to add:
- Don’t hit me there! You do want a sibling don’t you?
Later!
.-= Jared´s last blog ..OBX – The Outer Banks =-.
Jessica
LOL *son don’t lick the driveway
*please don’t put my panties on your head
*you can’t go outside in a shoe and a coat
*where are your underwear?
*please stop tooting on your father
*we do not eat Barbie’s hair!
*That’s it, no more silverware you can just pick up your pancake!
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Saturday at the coast =-.
Chibi Jeebs
Ohhhh, the mischief in those eyes!
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday – Freebie Five =-.
Suzy Voices
I love that! Especially the honking boobies!
.-= Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Bunnicide: A Tale of Murder and Mayhem =-.
pgoodness
My sons use my boobs as a button of some sort to get my attention.
Gets my attention alright.
Also, I think I said about 98% of those things over the weekend.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..The results are in! =-.
Twitter: Pgoodness
Karleigh Sherer
No, Daddy doesn’t drive a bus. He RIDES on it.
That makes me miss “Gite.” He’s growing up so fast!
Mary
I think I’ve said that stuff today! Well, if you include
“You may not go outside naked.” &
“Why did you poop in the frog? Please poop in the toilet from now on”
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Fancy Fixins! =-.
Krista
Oh fun times. We are getting there.
Just thought you should know… I had a crazy dream last night where you were the owner of a “romantic” shop. And you were telling me which were the normal underwear and which were the “special” underwear…
.-= Krista´s last blog ..Book: The Blue Enchantress =-.
rachel-asouthernfairytale
I can’t tell you how many of these I’ve said myself! LOL.
This made me grin.
Thanks, friend
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..PMS Crunch =-.
Veronica
Stumble, stumble, stumble, LOTUS! Thumbs up. Hi *waves*
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Warmth =-.
Gabriel
Oh, man. I haven’t laughed this hard in quite some time!!!
Permission to ‘steal it’? (This means I will post it in Spanish and link here for the English version). It’s just that good!!!
.-= Gabriel´s last blog ..Silly Monkey Stories #63 – Fossils =-.
steff
That was great i have said so many of those things i think tomorrow i will start writing a list of all the things say – gives a good run down of the day lol
.-= steff´s last blog ..Tuesday 1st was for Spring =-.
jenB
Sometimes it just comes in spurts (I think I was referring to bad luck, or being sad or something). IT COMES IN SPURTS. oh yes it does.
.-= jenB´s last blog ..Seven Years in Tibet =-.
Kat
Um…yeah. Me too.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Handling Poison Oak =-.
Jazzy
Love this list, I say all of those things multiple times a day…and I fear my sarcasm is rubbing off on my kids, as they are starting to laugh LOL
.-= Jazzy´s last blog ..Beatles On iTunes?? Maybe =-.
Longy
And the louder you say those things, the bigger the grin is when they change the subject as soon as you finish what you are saying.
Ashlie- Mommycosm
LOL! Yep, you’re mother to a boy all right! I think you about covered my list as well.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Maxisms =-.
Lauren
HAHA who knew that parenthood was so random!?
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Excuse me? =-.
Laura
I Love You!!
Qua
Not a mom or anything, just a young girl who was in a sad mood and this actually made me smile. Thanks
sounds like a real job, but I bet it’s worth it
Pro Mom
My favorite that I have said is
“Get your elbow out of your sister’s ear!”
originality
It’s like a time machine! Going back and saying everything Erma Bombeck said 35 years ago. Of course she made it sound much more clever.
Laura
Hilarious! I’ve said a surprising number of those myself in the last week or so, particularly all the ones having to do with hand washing/not licking your hands/putting things in your mouth — with the addition of “don’t lick your sister’s hands” and “don’t put your toes in your mouth.”
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Eighth anniversary: bronze and pottery (or toilet plungers and text messages) =-.
Gabriel
I finally stole this post!!!
You can find it here…
.-= Gabriel´s last blog ..Tell me Thursdays – Back to school =-.
Beth in Alabama
Yes, yes, yes. So good, this. And so eeeerily familiar.
Kenn
Your information help me a lot with my family. Thanks!
Rick
Love them all but “Seriously, you really did just ask me for this exact thing, why are screaming no when I give you what you wanted?” is a classic!
.-= Rick´s last blog ..You Tell Us: Are Classic Children’s Books Still on Your Kids’ Reading Lists? =-.
vanessa
ha! man I don’t know why but it just feels good to have someone type it all out
che
in psychology, toddlers tend to be negativistic and will always say NO to the nth time. and yes, this has been proven. the best thing to do is to offer them choices. your child will eventually be introduced to cause and effect rather than keeping them submissive. happy child rearing!
Nisha
I am crying with laughter!!! I’m not quite there yet as River is only 10 months but I’m sure I will be soon!
bejewell
How about “No, I will NOT scratch your pee pee for you”? Did you say that one? Because I did. I totally did. Twice. And not to the same person.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..But Seriously, What Happened to All the Forks? =-.
Parenting Children
hahaha, how cool is that. If you can’t get the occasional laugh out of parenting then what is the point? Thanks for sharing
.-= Parenting Children´s last blog ..Would You Smack Your Child In Public? =-.
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Jen
The tears of laughter haven’t stopped yet. I’ve said pretty much everything on this list in the last day or so too- even something similar to “want the fork” (although mine had to do with my little guy screaming “sit” in a store). Thanks for the laugh!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..The best 3 words… =-.
oneburnedoutmama
Are you kidding? This is SO funny. Would that we could all list the things we say to our kids in one 24 hour period…