Do they make dentures for toddlers?
The thing that came to mind immediately when I saw this week’s theme, “Chipped,” was Braden’s two front teeth.
I am horribly obsessed with the Chip Status of his front teeth. And it’s not because I’m some freaked out, obsessing mother who picks over every little detail of her son’s appearance.
I mean, it’s true that I’m freaked out and obsessed, but it’s generally over things like how many visitors my website has had on any given day (where the hell were you people YESTERDAY???) and whether or not Conan O’brien will ever admit that we were meant to be together forever, leave his wife, and marry me.
What? He totally sent me a secret message the other night. You think it was a coincidence that he was driving a Lotus on the show? And that the side said, “Team Lotus?” Please. My destiny is finally being realized. That’s all.
The Eagle Flies West at Midnight. I am coming, Conan. Secret message received.
So, my son’s teeth? HE WON’T STOP CHIPPING THEM.
And the only time he ever had a ‘noticeable mouth-related-accident-causing-parental-distress-complet-with-excessive-hyperventilating-and-hand-wringing’ was this:
And after that, one tooth was moved back for awhile, but it repositioned itself. And there was no chipping associated with the incident, at all.
And it only took me 2 whole months to stop gasping for air and clutching my chest.
Anyhow, apparently his teeth have decided that they are made out of that chalky crap that they used to make those “candy cigarettes”** out of, and every now and then, small pieces of them just crumble off into his mouth.
Mmmm, Candy Teeeths.
Every time I notice that there is just a little bit less tooth there in the front of my little boy’s facehole, I get a little more frantic. I am developing a special facial twitch just for the occasion.
I think the Tooth Fairy is even receiving certain frequencies that my brain waves are emitting when I go into this frantic state. They translate something like, “OMFG, ARE HIS TEETH GOING TO JUST ENTIRELY CRUMBLE IN AT SOME POINT, WHAT THE HOLY HELLLLL?!? *twitch, twitch, spazz*”
And yes. I KNOW that it is really not that noticeable. And that he is FREAKING GORGEOUS anyway. Seriously, I live with this kid:
I KNOW he’s freaking beautiful.
I’m not concerned with his looks. But I might just start injecting him with calcium while he’s sleeping out of the fear that this is an indicator of Bone Related Things To Come.
*dies immediately at the thought*
**And by the way, WHAT THE HELL WERE PEOPLE THINKING TO GIVE KIDS CANDY CIGARETTES TO EAT JOYFULLY???
I guess the “candy gun” and the “candy meth lab” did not make the cut during final product testing.