First Kiss to the Last Breath

Today, a guest post by Dawn from Kaiser Mommy – because she needed to write it, and I was lucky enough to be the one she asked for a space to publish it. Enjoy.
`Lotus

~~~

A few moments into the new decade of 1990, standing in the living room of my house, between the tv and the secretary, my boyfriend David kissed me. My first kiss.

Nineteen (19!) years later I still remember that electric moment.

We broke up over I don’t even know what, we continued to run into each other occasionally, and one night or one afternoon, on a long drive, we decided that if, when we were 30 and 31 we were still not married that we would marry each other.

The end of our 20s brought us spouses and children – just not with each other. I haven’t seen him since right after his son was born in 1996. I lost track of him, and even my ninja skillz on the computer couldn’t pinpoint his whereabouts.

After my class reunion last fall I got sucked into Facebook. And there he was. We had a blazing week or two where the emails raced back and forth while we caught up. He was engaged to a beautiful woman and between them, they would have four BOYS in one house.

His dad died just a few weeks before I’d found him on FB. So we had the Dead Dad’s Club in common. He hit on the words I needed to heal. Nothing profound relating to our friendship, he just happened on exactly what I needed to read in order to unstick myself from some of my grief.

His wedding was last month, and this week I saw photos.

They were so beautiful. The setting, the smiles, the ab.so.lute. JOY in their eyes as bride and groom looked at each other.

I was envious. I’m not sure Scout and I have ever looked that joyous or free. Ever.

I played a quick game of “What If” with a side of “The Grass is Always Greener”. I went to bed wondering how I could green the grass on MY side.

I dreamed of my ex.

Not that ex.

Not that ex who still makes me smile because he’s a good person. A good father. And now a good husband to a good woman.

The other ex. The one who has a lump of almost bile in my throat as I think of him and this dream.

In this dream, I was in bed with him. Shudder. I was having some pseudo sex with him. No, I don’t know why I was there at all. The next morning he was acting like we were back together and I was frantically trying to extricate myself from THAT situation.

Nothing like a game of “What if” in a dream to make me wake up and see the grass on MY side – totally brilliantly green. Never been more beautiful. I’m sure Scout wondered what he’d done to merit all the kisses. He may even be getting lucky tonight. Real lucky. Not pseudo lucky.

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Follow Dawn and find her at Kaiser Mommy and Room 704 if you’d like to see the grasses she usually treads upon.