His name is Davin Carroll.
On October 3rd, 2008, I found out he was alive inside of me.
I was surprised.
I sent my husband this photograph in an email with the subject line, “Ready to rumble?”
The body of the email said, “Here comes the fear, do-do-do-do….”
I was scared.
But also, I was cautiously happy.
Before long, I was full of hope. And dreams. And the future.
My last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage at 5 weeks.
The 5 week mark came and went. Trumpets blew inside my heart.
On October 18th, 2008, I had morning sickness for the first time. I have never been so happy to feel so sick.
I turned my arms within and held my baby a little closer, starting to believe I could hold on to that sweetness forever.
On November 10th, 2008, I saw him on a fuzzy, mini-ultrasound.
I saw his heart beating. And that was it. I Believed. He could make it.
We called him Fuzzball.
I thought one day I would be rubbing his head, calling him that.
I began showing. It felt glorious.
On November 24th, 2008, I heard his heart beating. It was vigorous.
In spirit, I jumped over the moon, grabbed a star, and brought it back to earth with me. It glowed inside of me.
Up until the end, I thought he was a girl. Maybe that is because, at a time when I felt like I was filled with snips and snails, he filled me with sugar instead. And spice.
And everything nice.
On December 9th, 2008 I found out he had died.
Everything nice scattered in the wind so quickly.
I saw him on a high quality ultrasound that day. He looked beautiful to me. I wish I could see him again.
I was too shaken up to ask for a print of the image. I regret that so much.
I have a pile of things – a pregnancy test, papers, armbands, photographs. They’re just material things. They are cold. They do not kick me in the stomach. They will never smile at me or hug my neck. But I look at them; I touch them.
I think of him.
On December 16th, 2008, people I hardly knew removed him from my body by way of a cold, surgical procedure. His body was sent for testing.
He was considered biological material.
Biological material. He did not have a name then. He was labeled “the product of conception.” They cultured his cells in a lab.
Davin had Trisomy 13.
I could write a whole essay on this alone, but that will come later.
I wanted to find a boy’s name I liked that meant “Hope.”
Even though I feel very little of it right now, I wanted to name him after the thing I thought I had lost forever, but which he gave me in surplus, even for such a brief time, without receiving anything in return.
Hope
And which, I know, will return in time. In part because he taught me that it’s okay to hope again even after you think it’s impossible.
Hope
Even if it hurts. Because it tells you that you are alive. And that you want to keep living. And that you believe that each day can be new if you can just let that come back to you.
Hope
Instead, we named him Davin, which means “Beloved.”
Forever he will be.
I miss him so.
108 comments
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Maggie's Mind
Nothing I’ve typed and deleted here sounded quite right, but you are sounding like healing is doing its thing and like you are cooperating with it, not that there won’t always be a scar, but hopefully there will be some peace. And some hope.
(I’ve never named mine)
Krista
Davin is a beautiful name, Lotus. Now you have a name for the angel watching over you. I hope he brings you more hope and healing.
Kristas last blog post..CPSIA Issue
kompostela
You choose beautiful name. His little heart loved you too because from the very first second he felt your love
kompostelas last blog post..10 Things My Toddler Teaches Me Every Day
Suzanne
It is a beautiful name.
My heart aches for you, John and Braden.
Suzannes last blog post..Suzanne’s Soundtrack Sunday
Mr Lady
Dammit, woman. You’re inspirational.
Mr Ladys last blog post..You Will Be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
Veronica
Indeed he is beloved.
(((hugs)))
Veronicas last blog post..Nope.
Zoeyjane
I just cried. That’s the most perfect name, ever.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Drawing the Line
Mistress B
A fitting name
Mistress Bs last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
Fe
a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. his story will be remembered.
Fes last blog post..Gratitude… the dark side…
Angel
It is perfect. <3
wright
He has a beautiful name and will alway be loved.
wrights last blog post..
Trish
I am so sorry you had so little time with Davin. He is too precious to forget. Beloved indeed.
“though in reality you were hardly there ~ in my heart you were everything”
Hope is sometimes all we can hold onto -
Trishs last blog post..Sat Day – did you ?
Ness
What a beautiful thing to do.
Nesss last blog post..A Bolt of Inspiration
Twitter: droversrunness
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
Oh, what a beautiful name. I love it.
I’m glad you named him. I have an aunt who miscarried at 4 or 5 months… They named him Christopher. About 25 years later, I still think of Christopher, a baby I never met. In fact, I thought about him last week.
Much love…
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..I prefer it this weigh…
Twitter: ramblingreba
Taz
big hugs..
am thinking of you
Tazs last blog post..64 Weeks Old and 6 Weeks Old..
Ashlie- Mommycosm
Oh, honey. If I could reach through this screen and give you a hug, I would.
That’s a beautiful name you’ve given him.
You keep hanging in there, you hear?
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Closing in on HER…
Michelle
Davin … Beloved … Hope …
So beautiful …
Vic
It’s a beautiful name. I’m glad to see your hope getting stronger.
badness jons
It’s a wonderful name, and I’m so sorry that you never got to hold him. Hugs…
badness jonss last blog post..Livid
connie
What a beautiful name for your precious angel.
(((big hugs)))
connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=January 4th-10th 2009
lceel
<3
lceels last blog post..Questions and Answers
Twitter: lceel
Rachel
It is a very beautiful name. Thanks you for sharing.
Lindsay
That’s a great name
I hope that you feel hope again very soon 
Lindsays last blog post..Lindsay761: Today is Nathan’s birthday!!! 5 yrs old today and He’s so excited!
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts)
i’m glad your hope is getting a little stronger. You are still in my thoughts.
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts)s last blog post..First Sledding Ride By Herself
Kim H.
You share your raw feelings so beautifully and perfectly. And you picked the perfect name for your sweet baby. I am praying for you and John and wishing you peace. You are a good Mom.
Kim H.s last blog post..Who doesn’t love some free stuff?…
AnnD
Wow….ummm…..I really don’t know what to say…..I have no idea…..does having an answer give you peace? Does knowing his gender and giving him a name give you peace? Or is it all the more scary and chaotic in your head now? I would imagine that it would make you miss him even more now.
It is a scary diagnosis, I know that. I actually hadn’t heard of it until a few months ago when the YouTube video “99 Balloons” was featured on Oprah.
Stay strong Lotus! Your words pay tribute to him more than you will ever know. Your posts about your babies are just so beautiful and poignant.
AnnDs last blog post..Still no WW!
Josh
still here with you… with nothing worthwhile to say.
Lisa
Lotus, Davin is a gorgeous name. He is watching down on you guys, he’s your angel =)
You guys are still in my thoughts and prayers every day. I know all the words we say can’t make the pain go away but I’m hoping they help just a bit.
Lisas last blog post..Weekly Winners
Maria
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could say or do. I’d definitely give you a huge snurfling crying hug if you were right here.
Marias last blog post..weekly winners – jan 3-10
Tranny Head
What a horrible, cold place medical facilities can be. I’m so sorry. Davin is a beautiful name.
Tranny Heads last blog post..You Say TomAYto, I Say Tomahto …. Another Post in which I Laugh at Granilla
Chickadee
*BIG HUGS* This had to be difficult to share and I thank you for sharing.
Never doubt for one second that Davin will always be with you and the time you spent with him, though it wasn’t quite the way you hoped, was precious and NOT wasted.
I hope you have found a support group or someone to help you heal. You will never be the same, but remember that is not always a bad thing.
Chickadees last blog post..Lessons I Learned This Weekend
Tracy
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Davin is a beautiful name and he will be remembered always. *HUGS*
Tracys last blog post..Soooo…
anne
So beautiful, Lotus. A perfect name for one so very, very loved. So many words of encouragement I want to write that are completely stuck in my knuckles, so I’ll just send more online hugs and cry along with you.
annes last blog post..Fellow Orlandonians, I need your help!
perpstu
Davin is a beautiful name. It’s perfect. (((HUGS)))
Twitter: perpstu
kerry
we are greiving with you and send love and strength. it is a beautiful name.
Alison
That is a beautiful name! I love it.
Claire in CA, USA
Perfect, fitting, beautiful name, Lotus. Praying for you.
Claire in CA, USAs last blog post..Public Service Announcement
Sarah @ TM2TS
*hugs*
That is a beautiful name, and a perfect choice.
Indigo
Davin is a beautiful, fitting name. May the beauty of his spirit always give you Hope dear one. I know it hurts, this loss I’ve been there myself. Right now it sounds like the pieces of the puzzle are shifting, allowing you room to heal. Your in my thoughts! (Hugs)Indigo
Indigos last blog post..Laying Amid The Snow And Ice
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas
Oh honey, Davin is beautiful. I’m so sorry. I hope it is a comfort to know what happened. Most people never know.
~hugs~
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..
Twitter: amy2boys
Gabriel
Beautiful, Lotus. Both the name and your thoughts.
You hang in there, we (your loyal readers) are taking care of business in the meantime.
Gabriels last blog post..Top Commentators – December 2008
Barb @ getupandplay
What a perfect name for your son. I’m glad you named him and want to remember him positively. He is yours, always.
Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Project 365
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
A beautiful name. I wish you all the best.
Heidi
I really wish I had the perfect thing to say. But I don’t, and nobody does. Except that we love you, you’re special.
Heidis last blog post..4:00am
Issa
Davin is a beautiful name. I’m sure he felt your love, for as long as he was here.
There is nothing I can say that makes any difference, I know, I’ve been there. Mine was named Piper. She only made it too 14 weeks. Just know you have a lot of people out here thinking good thoughts your way.
Issas last blog post..Breaking news
Mary "MauiMary"
With time comes (sometimes very slowly) healing and with healing the hope will come again. Davin is unique. A unique and special name for a unique and special baby. Y’all are still in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs to you, John and Braden.
M
sam {temptingmama}
Such a beautiful name and such a fitting post.
*hugs*
You’re an amazing, amazing woman!
sam {temptingmama}s last blog post..Floating Like A Rock
gooddog
thank you for posting.
what an amazing thing to share. what a dear boy.
hang in there. maybe it is helpful to know a “why?” (just one of the many “why”s- I know, I’ve been there)
Thinking of you.
T with Honey
Davin is a wonderful name for him. After reading this post anyone, ANYone would know for sure that he is beloved.
Thinking of him. Continuing to hug you with prayers.
Allyson
Thank you for sharing that. I needed a good cry anyway. His name is beautiful. And perfect.
Jenny from Mommin' It Up!
bawling. that is one of the most beautiful things i have ever read.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..An anatomy lesson, brought to you by Emily and Jenny
Twitter: jennyitup
Momo Fali
I keep typing, then deleting, then retyping comments here. There are no words. I am sorry.
Twitter: momofali
Amanda
I’ve only been lurking here a short while but had to delurk to tell you how sorry I am.
In November 2003, I miscarried my 2nd child at 10 weeks (even though she had died at only 7 weeks gestation) and only have a pregnancy test and some faint memories to remind me of this precious life I knew for too short a time. I also wish I’d asked for an ultrasound picture.
Davin is a lovely name.
Amandas last blog post..King Tide
Courtney from Mommie Blogs
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. your post was beautiful!
Courtney from Mommie Blogss last blog post..double l is sick, mommie is beat and can’t miss out on the delurking totally…
Spoiled Mommy
Gosh-I dont know what to say…my eyes are filled with tears and my heart hurts for you & the pain that your going through.
What a beloved name.
Spoiled Mommys last blog post..Pink and Oh So Pretty!
Barbara
Davin is a beautiful name. I’m glad he taught you that it’s ok to hope. Without that there is very little. Take good care of yourself.
Barbaras last blog post..12/365 – Show Me The Monet
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
So beautiful, Lotus.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Depression equals self-absorbed asshole?
Jeanette
That’s a beautiful name.
I’m in tears here actually. I lost twins before I fell pregnant with Connor, and the tests revealed that they had Trisomy 18. Hectic how similar our pregnancy struggles have been.
Twitter: jenty
Talina
This was a beautiful post that both shows hints of closure and also shows that you are celebrating what time you were given with this little one, with Davin.
It is so great that you are allowing us to share in the grief process as you experience it. I have do doubt that your openness and honesty will help others who are or who have been through the same thing.
It is also good to know what the cause was and that it was nothing you had any control over.
Hope is a wonderful thing and it keeps us going, I see your hope in this post and that shows great strength and healing in you. Hugs! You are doing great babe.
Talinas last blog post..We toured The Farm and are super pleased!
Twitter: TalinaN
frogpondsrock
(((hugs))) for you and for your beloved..
frogpondsrocks last blog post..Weeekly Winnners
Rachel
Beautiful, Lotus.
Just Beautiful.
{hugs} and love my darling.
Rachels last blog post..If I Had Known
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas
I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I hope that 2009 brings you healing and happiness.
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegass last blog post..Flash Me Baby!
Twitter: fandpinlv
Kim
Oh Lotus.. that is a beautiful name..
oh..and I sending another big big hug..
Kims last blog post..Weekly Winners
Sandi
A lovely name. Hugs to you!
Twitter: 5and1
Special K
What a beautiful unique name, just like he was!
Chibi Jeebs
New reader who hasn’t made it that far back in your archives, but I wanted to say that I’m very sorry for your loss. *hugs*
Ashley @ mrs007.com
And Davin Carroll will never be forgotten. I think Mr.Lady said it best “Dammit, woman. You’re inspirational.”
Yep you are.
Ashley @ mrs007.coms last blog post..Wii hazards
Terri - teelgee
Lotus, that’s so beautiful. I’m grateful you’re sharing this journey with us. Blessings and hugs.
Michelle
Stop freaking making me cry woman. Seriously, I’m still so very sorry and think of you often. Maybe having an answer to the “why” will give you some measure of piece? I never had any testing done to get answers so I don’t know…but regardless it doesn’t stop the pain.
Michelles last blog post..Preciousssss…*
Mel @ A Box of Chocolates
I never know the right words and they aren’t coming around this time either. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss and can’t fathom what you must have felt and are still feeling. I am glad that your hope is growing though. May you find comfort in it and through time may it blossom for you. Hugs!!
Mel @ A Box of Chocolatess last blog post..Going Back in Time
Jessica
Very beautiful! Many hugs!
Patsy
Very beautifully written. This sounded like a bit of healing is taking place. Davin will live in you heart forever as Grayson (my grandson for 26 weeks) lives in mine.
Continue to heal and then begin to hope.
Patsys last blog post..100 Word Challenge — March & Unconscious Mutterings
SECRET AGENT MAMA
I so sorry for your loss of Davin. Truly sorry.
janelle
what a beautifully written post.
i’m sorry for your loss.
it seems so lame, but expresses truly what i feel.
what else to say? i’m just sorry.
i wish peaceful healing for you lotus.
janelles last blog post..Project 365 Update for Weeks 1 and 2
Domestic Extraordinaire
Many hugs to you again, Lotus. This was simply beautiful-just as you are.
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Haiku Friday
Stephanie
A beautiful name, for a tiny angel. Hugs to you.
Stephanies last blog post..Of Twitter, eggs and MTV.
witchypoo
It’s a good name. Davin. Hope.
You are in my heart.
witchypoos last blog post..Nitpicking
Tanya
giving someone a name makes so much difference.
Tanyas last blog post..2 of the best years of my life…
Rachael
What a beautiful post, and a nice tribute to Davin. He will certainly be able to rest in peace with a loving mother like you to remember him.
Rachaels last blog post..I Can Hear You Breathing
Twitter: rachael1013
Mrs. Schmitty
Perfect name. You are amazing.
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..A Big Round Of Applause For Wegmans
tiff
Nothing seems right to say. Nothing could tell you how beautiful that name is and how I believe in hope.
Texan Mama
Hmm, I have no wise words. I have only trite, unamusing quips that provide neither comfort nor knowledge.
I can cyber-hug ya. Want that?
(((HUGS)))
Texan Mamas last blog post..Girl Scouts are the Spawn of the Devil
Twitter: texmama
fruitlady
I am without words, but yours are so beautiful they say all that needs to be said. Hold on to your hope and your love.
fruitladys last blog post..Behavin’ like fool
Karin
Oh Lotus. I am so sad for you. You gave a beautiful name to a precious gift of a child. Until you get there, we will all hope for you.
Karins last blog post..A walk at the Helderberg Nature Reserve
Bunny
Oh, Lotus. I can only imagine how you must feel going through all of this. I’m so very sorry for the loss of this beautiful, hope-filled, joyous baby. I am so happy to see that there is some hope still in your life, that he has left his angel mark on you. I hope this new year brings you peace and hope.
Bunnys last blog post..Who Are They?
Sarah
Davin is a great name and he is beloved.
Sarahs last blog post..12 items or less. Never again. Well, at least not so much.
Christina
Davin is a lovely name.
And it’s good to know what happened, even though it doesn’t help at all to take away the hurt. But as you said, hang on to hope.
Christinas last blog post..How A Bendy Straw Nearly Made Me Cry
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I’m so sorry for you, Lotus. My heart reaches out to you.
Twitter: mommy_wins
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children
I’m crying, Lotus. So beautiful. Your son’s name, perfect.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..Never go bra shopping when you’re famished
Jill
Such a beautiful tribute – and a most fitting name.
My wish for you is that you keep hoping… keep believing… I’m proof it can happen even after 2 years of trying, 3 miscarriages, 2 D&C’s, endless bloodtests, 2 surgeries, and now an unbelievable high risk pregnancy in a 3rd world country.
My heart goes out to you and your beautiful family.
Karleigh
I love you. Yes, keep hoping. I’m hoping for you, too.
mommyknows
A perfect name for your wee boy. You’re in my thoughts and hopes!
mommyknowss last blog post..I’m Keeping Score
PandoraWilde
I did some reading on Trisomy 13 and I just don’t know what to say except that you’re all in my prayers. I don’t know why things happened as they did (and I’m not going to hand you “God’s Will” because that just isn’t cutting it for me, let alone thinking it would cut it for you) but I’m sorry as hell that they did. Hugs and prayers.
PandoraWildes last blog post..Imported Incense Buy–CANCELLED
imaginary binky
You have my love, lady.
imaginary binkys last blog post..Coffee Dude, part deux
Anna Ellis
I agree with everyone here. Davin is a perfect name. I’m always here for you Lotus. Always. Always.
Melissa
Ditto everyone else on the perfect name choice. That love never goes away.
Teri
The name is beautiful. You will be with your Angel again some day. May you find peace in your heart and strength.
Elaine
I am sorry you ever had to write this post but it is beautiful. What a beautiful name for your little one…
Elaines last blog post..WW – Lead Me
Veronica Mitchell
I haven’t been around the blogosphere much lately, so I didn’t know. I am so sorry you have gone through this again. This is a beautiful post, and such a loving tribute to little Davin.
Veronica Mitchells last blog post..Hanging Up My Hat
Khryste
I love reading your blog. You have a great way with words. I am truly sorry for your losses, even though I don’t really know you – heartache is universal.
Along with a host of other crap last year (that I dub ’08: The Year I Hate) my mother died only 2 weeks after I had my second baby and she never got to meet him.
Anyway, If you are a reader, try checking out The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. It gave me fresh insight to help my grieving heart.
magpie
Lotus – I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself.
magpies last blog post..Fierce
Joey
I’m so sorry your Beloved Davin is not in your arms, I know how empty they fill. I’ll ask my Jack to show him around the stars and my dad who passed the same day as Davin to watch over him.
Don’t you let anyone rush your grief, it’s hard and it sucks. Hugs from a stranger!
Joeys last blog post..Today’s Prompt: Listen: Write about what you hear, right now.
Bev
Another amazing post. I love the name Davin.
Tara
I’m not sure of your beliefs but these verses have always given me solace.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:13-14
Taras last blog post..Have I Lost My Mind?
Amy
Beautifully written.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers.
loveyh
Oh, no, Lotus, I am a horrible friend. I just read this today. I am so sorry. So sorry. My heart is breaking for you–truly.
He is certainly watching over you. I know it.
loveyhs last blog post..My Triumphant 100 Post
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