How NOT to write a guest post…

As you probably know (or don’t), I can be a witty and funny person.

(and by “I”, I mean myself, Heather, Queen of Shake Shake, Lotus’ guest poster today.)

However!  When someone asks me to guest post on their blog, especially when it’s a super popular blogger like Lotus here, my awesomely creative brain suddenly becomes a freeze-dried sample of potted meat.

Holy shit, the pressure!  The pressure to perform well and impress the audience! I come down with such an acute and severe case of performance anxiety that pharmaceutical companies should pay me to be their new spokesperson because this must be how men feel during sex.  I’m certain I’m going to have a blogging equivalent of premature ejaculation.

When Lotus asked me to guest post on her blog, it happened to me yet again. What do I write?! I’ll be terrible! I convince myself this is when my brain will become impotent and so shriveled up even the Viagra Gods can’t help me.

Gack!

But then? The idea came to me!

I will write what I know.  And what do I know?

How NOT to write a guest post

#1 Start off your guest post off by talking about how your creativity freezes up when someone asks you to guest post on their blog.

Because that’s going to install confidence in your abilities to potential new readers?

#2 Post stupid, ridiculous pictures of yourself about meat. No one will understand why you have a thing about fresh mait.

First impressions are important and stupid pictures aren’t the way to go.

#3 Grab your boobs and act like a whiny baby-bitch because you aren’t going to BlogHer.

No one likes a whiner.  Or boobs nicer than their own.

#4 Repeatedly link to old posts you’ve written in your guest post.  It makes you look like a TOTAL whoreface blogging leech.

Prostitution is frowned upon in our society.  Unless you’re in Nevada, and it’s totally ok to act like a whoreface blogging leech if the hosting blogger lives there.  (Note to self: Tennessee is not Nevada.)

#5 Write about farts, skidmarks, or pictures of skidmark panties.

If you do, all of the perverts in Google UK will start visiting your host’s blog and not yours. That will fuck up your traffic numbers since all of the Google crazies have left your blog for your host’s blog.

#6 Mention ‘premature ejaculation’ and ‘Viagra’ in the post too.

Blogging etiquette dictates you keep your Google perverts to yourself and don’t share them with people kind enough to allow your ridiculous ramblings on their blog. See also #5 above.

#7 Finally, have a chopping ending to your post, leaving your new readers wondering is that it?

Tie your post up neatly with a witty and clever ending so if you screwed up your first impression,  you have one last chance to gain new readers from your guest posting.

[crickets]

[more crickets]

The end.

See, this goes to show you should only write about what you know and why I should be at the bottom of everyone’s potential guest poster list.

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When Heather isn’t busy being a whoreface blogging leech on someone else’s website, she writes with authori-tay about everything from skid marks to fresh mait. Yes, you read correctly. Go over to her website, The Queen of Shake-Shake, and check her out… but don’t turn your back on your martini if she’s close by.