Hurricane Season of the Heart and Soul

A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.

As the end of this first week in June nears, I’m realizing that I am pointedly not fine. There’s a date approaching that’s been making my stomach turn a little lately and it seems that with every day deeper into June I go, my heart clenches a little tighter in my chest.

There’s a pressure change occurring in there.

I’m having a very hard time seeing new babies right now. It makes me feel like a jerk, but that’s the truth.

A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.

Right now, seeing someone’s brand new baby or hearing about them approaching a due date or going into labor stirs strong currents deep within.

An emotional tidal wave has been building in me recently, deep inside, hidden under cover.  The sunny, blue skies you can see from up here are foul trickery.  Not even I was really aware that such a storm was gathering until just recently as little leaks have sprung here and there.

Every time I think of the baby boy I thought I was going to birth this month, I feel the lip of the wave pushing higher, the base of it growing stronger.

A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.

Today, there was more than a small leak. There was a huge gushing surge. I broke apart a little bit under the sudden forceful gale.  Something tells me it was just the leading edge.

I drew up the pieces again and stood tall.

Generally, I fill my days with other things of a mostly jovial nature. The biggest part of my every day is more important and precious than anything else, and in that I find solace.

braden-june-2-09

He needs me to stand tall.

Still, the wave is pressing.

But in a few more weeks, I’ll seem fine again.

I just wish I really was.

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