A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.
As the end of this first week in June nears, I’m realizing that I am pointedly not fine. There’s a date approaching that’s been making my stomach turn a little lately and it seems that with every day deeper into June I go, my heart clenches a little tighter in my chest.
There’s a pressure change occurring in there.
I’m having a very hard time seeing new babies right now. It makes me feel like a jerk, but that’s the truth.
A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.
Right now, seeing someone’s brand new baby or hearing about them approaching a due date or going into labor stirs strong currents deep within.
An emotional tidal wave has been building in me recently, deep inside, hidden under cover. The sunny, blue skies you can see from up here are foul trickery. Not even I was really aware that such a storm was gathering until just recently as little leaks have sprung here and there.
Every time I think of the baby boy I thought I was going to birth this month, I feel the lip of the wave pushing higher, the base of it growing stronger.
A couple of weeks ago, I was fine.
Today, there was more than a small leak. There was a huge gushing surge. I broke apart a little bit under the sudden forceful gale. Something tells me it was just the leading edge.
I drew up the pieces again and stood tall.
Generally, I fill my days with other things of a mostly jovial nature. The biggest part of my every day is more important and precious than anything else, and in that I find solace.
He needs me to stand tall.
Still, the wave is pressing.
But in a few more weeks, I’ll seem fine again.
I just wish I really was.
#1 by Jessica on June 5, 2009 - 6:40 PM
Hugs sweety. I wish I could say it one day is fine and the month doesn’t hurt, but part of you will always think of it. In time it becomes easier to pick up the pieces and start again. Eventually you don’t fall apart, it’s just a niggling ache. Until then, you can always and indefinitely lean on us
Jessicas last blog post..Memorial Day weekend
#2 by Melissa on June 5, 2009 - 8:08 PM
Hugs.
Melissas last blog post..roof of constant sorrow
#3 by Marshall on June 5, 2009 - 8:12 PM
We also had a due date that never came to fruition, was to be mid-June last year. I know that no particular words can provide too much comfort, but know that there are those thinking of/praying for you (and John).
#4 by Kimberly on June 5, 2009 - 9:33 PM
Hugs and good thoughts.
Kimberlys last blog post..One more time, with feeling
#5 by Zoeyjane on June 5, 2009 - 10:15 PM
Totally. Hugs and love.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Sand in her you-know-what
#6 by Tanya on June 5, 2009 - 11:28 PM
I really wish you were fine too. I’m sorry theres nothing that can be done and not a lot of advice that will help either. You’re right, every day is important and precious, not a given.
Tanyas last blog post..Emily’s Birth Story
#7 by Veronica on June 6, 2009 - 12:12 AM
My heart breaks for you. Things were meant to be different. Lots of hugs from me.
Veronicas last blog post..And then, I choked on a hair…
#8 by 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why on June 6, 2009 - 3:16 AM
((HUGS))
Braden looks so grown up with his hair cut!
We love you!
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..TICK WARNING!
#9 by Tara R. on June 6, 2009 - 8:52 AM
You have so many people supporting you. {{hugs}}
Tara R.s last blog post..PhotoHunt & SOOC #9
#10 by pgoodness on June 6, 2009 - 9:07 AM
Oh, I’m sorry. Sending those probably useless virtual hugs and wishing things were different.
#11 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on June 6, 2009 - 9:08 AM
@pgoodness,
They are, most definitely, not useless.
Thank you.
#12 by Loralee on June 6, 2009 - 9:45 AM
:*(
I’m so sorry. You aren’t a jerk. I love you. (((HUG)))
Loralees last blog post..30 seconds of poorly recorded baby zen. Or, you could just watch it to see my foot kicking my husband to make him mute the damn television already. Either works.
#13 by Crystal on June 6, 2009 - 10:09 AM
I am so very sorry.
Crystals last blog post..If Only For a Moment
#14 by Mrs. F on June 6, 2009 - 11:26 AM
Hang in there, Miss Lotus!
Mrs. Fs last blog post..GE Can Suck It!
#15 by bejewell on June 6, 2009 - 12:12 PM
Love and hugs and kisses and more love and more hugs and even more kisses. The big, wet, slobbery ones that really MEAN something.
bejewells last blog post..Karma and the Treadmill: A Love Story
#16 by Jeanette on June 6, 2009 - 12:41 PM
(((HUGS)))
Jeanettes last blog post..Shaelea turns 5
#17 by Kim on June 6, 2009 - 6:06 PM
I am sending loads of hugs.. loads and loads of them!
Kims last blog post..What the heck? Showing off your best online
#18 by Randy Carroll on June 6, 2009 - 6:42 PM
Spending a lot of time lately “weeping with those who weep”. After reading your blog this afternoon I am adding you to the list of folks I am hurting for and with. I am so sorry.
Randy
#19 by anne on June 6, 2009 - 8:39 PM
Oh, sweet pea… I’m so sorry. Wish I could be there in person to give you a big sloppy hug and
eat tons of ice cream with youworkout vigorously with you like the good girls we are and goof off.BTW, awesome website design. And Braden gets exponentially cuter every day.
annes last blog post..portrait of me, the INFP
#20 by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah on June 6, 2009 - 9:19 PM
I so get this.
It never goes away – but it gets easier. It gets much easier.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..Why I Don’t Homeschool Devra
#21 by Jared on June 6, 2009 - 11:34 PM
You probably already know this, but what you are going through is normal. My wife does the same thing. I don’t think a person ever forgets…because they care. Just keep standing strong!
Jareds last blog post..A Weekend Of Backflips
#22 by Mrs4444 on June 7, 2009 - 12:05 AM
So sorry again….
Mrs4444s last blog post..DejaVu
#23 by Michelle on June 7, 2009 - 2:23 AM
Thinking of you and sending love and prayers.
The shower is a good place to cry, sorry, you have a small child – no shower time, oops. But, seriously, the shower is great cry time.
Your boy is so grown up and looking more like his Dad every new photo, especially with the new haircut.
#24 by Secret Mom Thoughts on June 7, 2009 - 6:00 AM
Thinking of you. Sending ((hugs)).
Secret Mom Thoughtss last blog post..Weekly Winners
#25 by Miss on June 7, 2009 - 1:54 PM
This is a completely good thing sweetie. It hurts like hell but maybe you need that. I think I’d be more worried for you if it didn’t hurt.
We love you and we’re all holding you nice and tight. xo
Misss last blog post..The one where I find myself
#26 by perpstu on June 7, 2009 - 10:51 PM
(((hugs))) There aren’t any words, but I know. My date is in August.
perpstus last blog post..Tappity tappity tap. My fingers have been flying over the keyboard.
#27 by Betsey on June 8, 2009 - 10:26 AM
Oh…
We are fast approaching what would be our little guy’s 4th birthday.
Without his brother… I don’t know what I would do.
Squeeze your little boy’s brother so very hard.
Betseys last blog post..He’s Got A Face That Only A Mother, The Camera And The World Could Love
#28 by anymommy on June 8, 2009 - 10:38 AM
I’m really sorry, I have two of these dates and they hurt like hell. It’s okay to feel battered, it’s okay to protect your heart from things that sting.
anymommys last blog post..Nesting, Nesting, One, Two, Three
#29 by Rachael on June 9, 2009 - 11:40 AM
Big hugs to you. I can’t imagine what it’s like, so instead I’ll just say I’m thinking of you. Also, when did Braden get so OLD?! He is totally a heartbreaker.
Rachaels last blog post..Hometown Swap!