i am all things to all people. on Google. especially the perverts.

I’ve had some good fun with this here website, my friends, you better believe it.  Oh yes, I’ve celebrated my son’s life, I’ve talked about both fabulous and hard moments of parenting, I’ve embarrassed my husband. (Yes, embarrassing your husband is good, fun times. And hell, he makes it SO EASY.  What with saying things like this.  But I digress.)

And of course, I’ve talked to and met so many of you, learned about you, and built wonderful friendships.

But today I’m going to let you in on another part of having this website that enriches my life.

Keyword searches.

I am endlessly entertained by checking my web stats to see what web searches lead to this site.  Now, some of them, I will admit, make me want to vomit.  I’m going to spare you specifics on these, but if I could find the people who were entering them into a computure somewhere, sterilization would be in order.

With a rusty fork.

When I can get beyond the TRULY DISGUSTING AND DEPRAVED searches, there are the mild perverts.  I imagine these are the kind of winners who “bump” against you “by accident” on the subway.

They land on my page by searching:

• nipple pleasure
• moms with nice racks
• naked wrestling
• mom crotchless
• nut in my mouth
• mom peeing
• slap me around
• bunchy vagina (W. T. F.)

To whomever searched “i put my mascara in my vagina” – STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.  There are things that just shouldn’t be inserted in certain areas.  I THINK YOU’VE DISCOVERED ONE OF THOSE COMBINATIONS.

And whoever searched “big fat and ugly” I hate you.

But then there are the searches that just make me laugh.  A few recent examples:

• i want to shave my face off
• jello farts
• bitch perfume
• im going to eat your uterus
• can you put chocolate on the head of a penis

This is really just a small sampling, and only from the past four days or so.  I’m sure you can now see why this is so amusing to me.

Incidentally, my top three search terms for the past year?

1. sarcastic mom
2. best push up bra
3. bewbs

Numbers 1 and 3 are completely understandable, right? Right.

And number 2?  Oh, you have no idea how glorious it is for me to claim that lovely search term.  You may or may not remember this post about that earlier this year.  Go ahead, read it.  It’s funny, and it will give you insight into this push up bra business.

Guess what, PR Asshat?  You can #suckit.  I might still be on the second page of hits for “best push up bra” but I think you and I both know that I still win this round.  So eat me.

Of course, that post bought me top 3 ranking for both searches: “asshats who should die” and “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.” *cough*

*awkward silence*

(please feel free to stop and confirm that I actually *am* the number one search return on Google for “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe,” it’s okay, I understand the urge to do this. go ahead. laugh. Now laugh even harder when you see I’m hits number 1 AND 2. get it out of your system)

(PS: no really, DOESN’T THAT RULE!?)

Continuing!  To the person who recently searched “getting him off with your bare feet,” here’s my advice:  since making him a sandwich and getting him a beer with your feet is going to be pretty hard, just go ahead and cheat and use your hands on those ones. But using your big toe to turn on the TV on Superbowl Sunday should be pretty easy.  Unless you’re a fucking moron.  Or, you know, you don’t have feet.  In which case the search would be pointless and you’re wasting my time and yours.

Only other thing I can think of is you wanting to get him off the couch, in which case, two feet planted squarely on his back in a sudden power thrust should do the job nicely.  I mean really, sometimes you just want to watch Keifer Sutherland, er, I mean 24, alone.

What?  Wait, we’re not talking about putting our feet on naked wiener are we?  Oh, good grief.  Really?  This searcher must be the alter ego of the weirdo who Googled “gross wieners on your body” the other day.  Right.

Of course, the best thing for me was noticing just yesterday that a search for “wife is a bitch” landed someone on my site.  Now, if that was John, we can congratulate Google for 100% Success in returning accurate hits to sites from searches.

All in all, the whacked out nutjobs out there with access to a computer are giving me a bit of free entertainment.  And I like it.  Thanks, ya fuckin’ head-cases.  I owe ya one.  Maybe I’ll even write a post one day for the person who wanted to know, “can I use the diva cup for military training” because that is IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Clearly.