I don’t care if it makes me seem desperate and pathetic. I am.
Remember yesterday when I mentioned that I had been joking around on Plurk this past Saturday night about what I was going to give John for Father’s Day?
One incredibly sneaky lady suggested I buy “him” a Dyson. Quite a lovely idea, and ohhh, how I LONG to own a Dyson. The thing is… uh. They cost Money. Yes, with a capital “M.” And what I mean is, they cost A LOT of money. More than we can afford.
I’ve heard terrible stories of a couple who tried to offer their baby up as payment for a nice vehicle that they obviously really, really wanted. And people, I was horrified. I mean, I was completely taken aback at how careless, heartless and sick some parents really are. A car!? You would give up your own flesh and blood for a structure of metal that you can ride around in? SERIOUSLY?! Appalling.
But if it had been a Dyson? A DC25, maybe? I would totally understand.
Our old POS Vacuum died about a month ago, and the carpet is now made of a blanket of my fallen hair, discarded cereal pieces, lint, random threads (where the hell do those come from???) and some unidentifiable things that I probably could identify if I really wanted to, but that I’d rather be in denial about. It’s called “coping.” It’s also called “gross.”
The old POS now does no more than push dirt around the floor. This is really handy if you’re trying to improve the whole Feng Shui of your dwelling by moving particular pieces of rubbish around the room so that they are arranged in a more harmonious and pleasing manner. You know, so they help channel the energy through the room instead of just sticking to your damn soles when you walk through, barefoot, making you hop like an idiot to see what the hell is on your foot, then lose balance and face plant on the floor.
Yeah. I’m not interested in being the “vehicle” by which the accumulated carpet dreck in my house travels from room to room. What am I? Some kind of Tourist Trolley for Vacationing Cracker Crumbs? I should buy a microphone and start announcing the spots of interest in our house.
“Over here, you can see the mural Braden drew on the kitchen wall! Lotus sure did make fun of John online for that one! But don’t miss this! Here’s where karma bit Lotus on the ass for making fun of John! If we turn around and look back, we can even catch a glimpse of the stove Lotus punished. Now, let’s head upstairs to see the former spot for the container of Evil Ones, now hidden and unused for almost two weeks….”
Maybe someone can come stand outside the door and sell cheesy maps of the Carroll Hot Spots to the incoming Dirtatious and Pollenese Sight-Seers.
Okay, okay, the POS does more than just push dirt around. I will have to admit that it actually does suck up a crumb or two periodically. Then, when you lift it (just don’t lift it, for God’s sake, don’t) it spits out every piece of dirt/stink/hair/crumb/trash that has ever been on any floor you’ve ever walked on. Never mind the fact that this is an impossibility. It DOES. And then all the crap that spews out of the POS flies all over the floor, even into the next room and onto THAT floor. Pieces of long-forgotten crap hit your legs on the way out of the room, bruising you and even digging small gouges into the surface of the skin. Crumb shaped gouges. Soooo sexy, really.
So, you can see that I could really use a new vacuum. And anyone who owns one will tell you, a Dyson vacuum cleaner can perform miracles. Seriously, I heard that this one guy’s sister’s best friend’s hairdresser’s mom knew this chick who met a guy at the bus station whose dentist’s father’s next door neighbor’s daughter was brought back to life by a Dyson. Really. That is some heavy shit, man.
Can you tell how badly I want a Dyson?
I did enter a giveaway contest for one. The button for it is on my left sidebar. See that pretty Dyson? It is literally THE EXACT MODEL I have thought of selling my soul to the devil for been wanting so badly. It must be God playing a really mean joke on me my fate, and it’s destiny that I’ll be broken hearted come June 25 win!
I need to win this contest so badly that when I think about it, it makes me feel funny. And not in a good way, like when you used to climb the ropes in gym class. In a ‘super panicky yet somewhat dreamlike and euphorically uplifting, while realizing that I may vomit at any moment’ kind of way.
If you enter it too, now, and win? I will kill you with my bare hands if you don’t give it to me out of the extreme generosity that flows from within you and the kindness of your soft, vulnerable, beating heart – as well as a deep, evolutionarily adaptive fear for your life.
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MP
I hope you win..I won’t enter.. (Oreck over here)
MP’s last blog post..Lots Of Loving Blogging Bling
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You
Nope, not sounding desperate at all!
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You’s last blog post..Blahhhhhhhday
lilacspecs
I’ve seen the beauty that is Dyson but alas, our budget allows little more than various forms of swiffer stick-mounted products. But to own a Dyson? That would be sweet, my friend.
lilacspecs’s last blog post..Music Monday – Music From The Lowlands
mommypie
Apparently, we have the SAME suckage issues. I SO relate and am sending contest winning vibes your way!
mommypie’s last blog post..Not burning the mattress … yet.
katia
Good luck! Me? I’m a Roomba addict…
katia’s last blog post..the ONE thing I didn’t really want her to inherit
Amy
Have you checked the belt on your old vacuum?
If that is the problem, they are super easy to reaplace. (sorry, I was once the owner of a terrible vacuum, and now I have a semi terrible vacuum, so I know how to fix them).
Of course, I rarely use the vacuum anyway, so a dyson would really be silly for me…
Nancy
Good luck… I hope you win.
I also hope the people you rent from doesn’t read your blog and see the “art” on your walls, lol
Nancy’s last blog post..More on Pit Bulls
A Jill of All Trades
I had a POS vacuum that would blow big tufts of dirty air out the filter/vents when you’d turn it on so that it would put a nice dirt coating all over the coffee table that I had to clean everytime I vacuumed.
It became intolerable, so I just got rid of the rugs. We have hardwood and I love it!!
A Jill of All Trades’s last blog post..Just another Music Monday!!!!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)
OOO I want one too….badly. My nickname was Hoover when I was a crawling infant. I still love to vacuum. My husband promised me a dyson when we move next. I am holding him to it. Best of luck!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)’s last blog post..How to get your child to hate their bike 101
Makeshift Mama
Okay, Lotus, I’m gonna get bossy here.
Go set up a gift registry that allows group gifts. I just found agiftwish.com – it allows you to put a specific amount of money towards a gift. I don’t know if it works with PayPal, but if you find one that does, even better!
I’d bet we can all buy you that Dyson in no time, 5 or 10 bucks at a time!
Looking forward to your next post IN WHICH YOU TELL US HOW TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR DYSON FUND!
Jenni
Makeshift Mama’s last blog post..“Soon” is a relative term.
shannymar
Teehee, yeah, I saw that contest a few days ago. I thought of you…
; -)
shannymar’s last blog post..One big weekend
witchypoo
If I win, I’ll send them your shipping address.
Carpets are evil, I have no use for a Dyson.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Smite Me
cajunvegan
Just rubbing it in a little and sucking it out with my Dyson because I love him and you.
Seriously though, Lotus, best of luck to you.
cajunvegan’s last blog post..I Ran Myself Over with my Own Car
Kay (Special K)
I am with Witchypoo. I will never ever have carpets again so a Dyson is useless to me. Now if the prize were a complete home makeover? I am afraid our relationship would be over, I would so be pushing you out of the voters box for that one right now. (sigh)
Kay (Special K)’s last blog post..Lucky woman
the planet of janet
we have one. i pink puffy heart with unicorn rainbows it.
what? oh yeah, no, i am not the one who vacuums. wonderhubby does it. but he hearts it too.
and we got ours (no shit) for $100 at best buy when they were clearing out their warehouse.
miracles DO happen.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..The state of the state of their union
Twitter: planetofjanet
Memarie Lane
That actually happened to a bloggy buddy of mine. There was a Dyson giveaway and she told a friend about it, who entered and won. Somehow they remain friends, I don’t understand how.
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Kim
The Dyson.. it is as great as it appears.. I sometimes sing to mine.
Kim’s last blog post..Things that make you go awwww..
Sarah
No worries here. I won’t enter the contest
My husband might…but not me *G*
And no…you don’t sound desperate at ALL. Nope, not one bit….
Sarah’s last blog post..Terminology Tuesday – Calming Techniques
Twitter: sadiecass
Suzanne
Tell you what? I’ll enter and if I win, it’s yours. If I had a dog, though, the Dyson would so be mine.
Why would I give up a Dyson? Because the vacuum I own is really, really good and I can get my employee discount on a Dyson.
Suzanne’s last blog post..I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream
Lottifish
I have the dyson animal and I love it. *Swoon* Good luck!
lceel
We have this big Kirby vacuum that does EVERYTHING – and for what I paid for it, it better. It’s a good thing that Annie is still willing otherwise that thing would be tested – really tested.
lceel’s last blog post..You can surprise yourself
Twitter: lceel
Jenski
I hope you win the Dyson, mostly for Braden’s sake, lest you sell him off to buy one. Do you have freecycle in your area? You may be able to get a free slightly better than POS to hold you over…
Jenski’s last blog post..Summer food
Kristin
ROFL you are so funny! I highly enjoyed this you know. Hilarious!!
Kristin’s last blog post..Lets Get Brainy Giveaway
Eve
Sorry, Lotus. You inspired me too well. I have entered the contest, too. Ooops! I guess I shouldn’t have told you that. I’m just getting over a broken hand, I can’t handle another injury right now. If I don’t win, I hope it’s you.
Eve’s last blog post..Sorry, Lotus – I’m Winning the Dyson!
Allie
What about eBay? I just looked and they are all over it.
Judi
sounds like you hose is plugged on your old machine . This happens to mine all the time. if it upright lay it on the floor stretched out flat and use a broom or mop handle and a stretched out wire hanger to unplug it til you get your Dyson
Good Luck
BookMamma
“Yeah, but will a Dyson give me head?”
This from my husband when I expressed my interest in owning one and then told him about the price tag.
All I’m sayin is… I got my Dyson one way or another.
heehee
BookMamma’s last blog post..The Copy Cat
Veronica
You know, eventually you will start tracking the crud back outside…
Veronica’s last blog post..Pregnancy Tests
Hockeyman
If I win, I will send you my old one.
Hockeyman’s last blog post..The Best Father’s Day Ever
Average Jane
My husband wants me to get us a Dyson, but I strongly suspect that at 50-cent belt would fix our Hoover. However, if I were to win one…
Average Jane’s last blog post..Remodeling Bug Bites Average Jane
ohmommy
Oh honey, if i win I will totally send it off to you.
But then again. I never win anything. Ever. Like never.
ohmommy’s last blog post..It happened again. And. All I have is a paper to prove it…
Kelley
No one has ever called me an incredibly sneaky lady before. Well the lady part anyway. Except for this one biatch today who was going on about how I was older than her and she is like 8 YEARS older than me… SO when you win that thing can you come over here and stick the nozzle on the back of my head and see if it sucks back the wrinkles that I MUST have for this chick to totally think I was like 45?
Yeah, ta, thanks.
Kelley’s last blog post..Mika is stalking me.
laurieofthesevenstories
The dyson is a great vacuum, I have the yellow one, but here is the trouble. You still actually have to take it, haul it up and down the steps, plug it and well vacuum.
What I want in my house is Alice- you know the nice lady from the brady bunch, who cried if she didn’t have enough household responsibilities. If you can get me her- or someone willing to respond to that name and wear a blue dress, with a white apron, while following me around and begging me to cook, clean and take care of the kids, I will fed ex the dyson to you.
laurieofthesevenstories’s last blog post..RAY, THE F—KING ZOO IS CLOSED
LaskiGal
So, what you’re saying is that you want a Dyson.
If I win. It is yours. Seriously.
And, shockingly enough, I just won something fairly big, so maybe my luck has changed. Hmmm. I will blog about it . . .
LaskiGal’s last blog post..A Quiet Shame*
LaskiGal
#446 . . . all you
LaskiGal’s last blog post..A Quiet Shame*
Tracy D
I am totally entering. If I win… I promise to think really hard of you when I am vacuuming. Or maybe give it to you. Depends on my mood at the time. Ha.
Tracy D’s last blog post..Pictures!
river
I’m sure America has the lay-by system, where you pay a deposit then make regular payments until the item is yours and THEN you take it home. Why not do that? You could probably pay it off before the floor crap gets to be knee or thigh deep…..How tall is Braden? Wouldn’t want to lose him under all that….
Tranny Head
I want one, too, but I’m afraid if I bought it it wouldn’t work any better than my current p.o.s. and then I’d be poor and unhappy.
I also want a Roomba.
Tranny Head’s last blog post..Caging a Wild Sumo
Sandy (Momisodes)
ROFL! I hope you win sweetie
I don’t own the one with the ball, I have the much older, original heavy one that I must lug up and down a bajillion stairs. However, I still swoon over the suction. I swear my carpet is a different color after I vacuum.
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Roll Out the Red Carpet
Manic Mom
I didn’t know there was a such a vacume called dyson. What does that say about me?
Manic Mom’s last blog post..God feeds the birds