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  • Apparently, you are the only person in the northern hemisphere who was not subjected to my god-awful, weepy ramblings this weekend past. Um, you need to email me. Or give me your phone number. Or something. Because yeah, I’ve been there. Still am. Let’s chit chat, k’s?

    Mr Ladys last blog post..13,148.96 Days Later

    July 24, 2008
  • Hey girl, I am going to tell you that I’ve been there too. Oh yes. When my kids were young. With my first daughter I had to fight some depression that I didn’t even know back then was depression. I must admit I yelled some and threw a dish and broke it once. A couple of my kids remember this and laugh. I don’t. I’m sorry for losing it. Geez! Now you also have that thyroid thing going on and I am absolutely sure it is causing some of this. Being alone all the time with a young child can drive you crazy, especially when your hubby is away a lot. It helps a lot to have a tag team. Actually, my husband was angry a lot when the kids were little so he did not come home and play with them much and give me relief. We went through some tough times then. Anger is a cruel dictator. So much of it has to do with control. You (I’m talking in general including me) can’t always control others or situations like you want and it makes for anger inside. I know it did me. I had to have help from God and I know that you believe and pray. But anything that is physically causing you problems needs to be addressed by a doctor. I pray that you find a good doctor who cares and will help you. ((Hugs to you, girl))

    Junebugs last blog post..What I’ve Been Up To…

    July 24, 2008
  • I lived the crazy. Made the kids live the crazy by default. Now I take the crazy pills. It helps. My kids? I swear they don’t remember it. Or maybe I made it worse in my mind than it really was. Or else they’ve blocked it and I’ll pay big time therapy bills when they hit adulthood. Or maybe it didn’t mean much to them ’cause it was all they knew. I”m going to go crawl under my bed and die now. Seriously though, get some help and get that crazy under control – for both of you.

    Lisas last blog post..Jerky Pork & Mustard Beans

    July 24, 2008
  • I read your words and I relate all too well. I hate, hate, hate that I know the feeling because it is very scary sometimes. About the time my kiddo was 2 I finally gave in and started taking meds to help me out and as much as I hate taking the pills, they make such a difference. I can handle things much better, but it never fully goes away. I still have times where I scream at my poor child and I have to cool off and then apologize. Sometimes I need to be a hermit and shut myself away for a day or two. What helped me most of all? I gave it to God and He has helped me so much. You asked for prayers and I will keep you there, but talk to Him yourself as well. Read His words and call out to Him, nothing will help you more than He will.
    :)

    Christies last blog post..God is my hero!

    July 24, 2008
  • “But other days, I honest to goodness have to fight the urge to slam my fist through a window, fling dishes into the wall, or God Forbid, throw my son out the door or scream in his face.”

    Uhm yeah.

    Mr. Lady knows her shit.

    Dawns last blog post..Hair – On a very special BlogHer recap

    July 24, 2008
  • I’m crazy, for real.

    July 24, 2008
  • It is seriously scary and yet comforting that everything you wrote up to the having a child part is pretty much an exact reflection of my life. Even now, after I feel like I’ve finally pulled almost everything together, there are still so many downtimes where I’m just not happy. I hope you maybe have a little time to exchange some emails? I’d give you my phone number but seeing as it’s Belgian…the bills would be a bit high.
    In all seriousness though, that was like reading my youth, just on someone else’s blog.

    And, yes, I hope you’re able to find the upside down owl again.

    July 24, 2008
  • Kat

    Hey.

    ” I literally fight the Real Life Urge to ACTUALLY do those things.” So does everyone… show me ONE mom who says she never has to fight these urges and I’ll show you a LIAR!

    I really. really. really. really. really. hope that you don’t start taking psych meds for this, Lotus. That would make me very sad.

    Kats last blog post..There’s my girl!

    July 24, 2008
  • The way I look at it is like this. If you had a heart condition, you’d take meds. If you had a blood pressure issue, you’d take meds.
    This is NOT different. It may not directly kill you, but it will make you wish you were dead, and/or feel homicidal….
    I am an advocate for meds; mine changed my LIFE.

    dysfunctional moms last blog post..These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

    July 24, 2008
  • It’s pretty brave to put yourself out there like this. I know, because I struggled with depression for years. Once I got help (mine came in the form of a supportive husband and antidepressants for my anxiety/depression), I realized how much I had needed it. I looked back at my journals where every other entry read ‘I feel sad for no reason’. I looked back at fits of anger so strong that I was paralyzed and couldn’t act. I looked back at being really unfair and short with my husband. I looked back and wondered how things could have been if someone had helped me find my way a little sooner.

    Earlier this year I went through the most difficult 6 months of my life. Long story short – child not developing on track, financial situation BAD to the point of bankruptcy, dad and stepmom going through nasty divorce (mostly dad’s fault), and some other things. I was depressed. It went away eventually, but I didn’t realize how much my mood and attitude was affecting my 2 year olds. Once I got stable again, he was a totally different child. He laughs and smiles allt he time, he started picking up on his speech development and whining less. I know he won’t remember, but I still feel bad that my mood was affecting him so much.

    Don’t feel guilty or crazy for the way you feel. It is the way it is. If they dismiss you, find someone who won’t. You deserve happiness, you deserve enjoying your son and his cuteness. You deserve it all. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Dangit. Now I am crying. (Hugs)

    Rachaels last blog post..Project Runway Week 2: Why Brown Satin?

    July 24, 2008
  • river

    Uuummm……………Errrrrrrrrrrrr………………Don’t want to offend anyone……………a lot of Mums feel this way. I’m wondering if maybe it’s because we live in more stressful times now, with everyone having such high expectations of themselves, wanting to be the perfect mum, when really there is no such person.
    Braden is much more likely to remember the times you laughed and played together. Try to stress less.
    and if you find you do need help, whether it be pills or just talking to a psychologist, then do it.

    July 24, 2008
  • river

    As he gets older Braden will realise that no-one is happy ALL the time. Mummies DO get sad and angry, just as he sometimes does. Life is sometimes so frustrating. We all want to throw stuff. Just be throwin’ soft stuff…………

    July 24, 2008
  • all of the comments are long because you’ve unleashed something that’s so real and so many deal with. I have dealt with depression for so long and my best help has been blogging (it’s why I started and it is working greatly). As moms with this, we have to work so hard to put on a good face and it doesn’t always work. You’re doing the right thing by getting help, keep an open mind to meds- and just try to keep taking steps.

    July 24, 2008
  • wow.
    and your powerful well written post is medicine to the masses.
    helping SO MANY OTHER WOMEN.

    I hope you realize that as well.

    MizFits last blog post..Guest Chef Time!

    July 24, 2008
  • Amy

    It took me a long time to realize the same things you just wrote in your post. Your words are poetic and meaningful to alot of women. Thank you for your honesty!

    Amys last blog post..Thursday Thirteen – My Love

    July 24, 2008
  • Z

    Such an honest post, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like that some of the time… Especially the need to be alone.

    All I can say is – I am wishing you all the best, and I hope that your doctor, or someone – some magic fairy godmother or SOMEONE – can give you the help you want and need. Because you deserve it.

    July 24, 2008
  • I think that you are brave for putting this all out there, but more importantly, I think you are a good mama for looking at how it all affects your son long-term. Please take some comfort in knowing that every mother has her moments of “crazy”. Good luck with your appointment…

    July 24, 2008
  • Lotus: as others have said, these feelings are SO normal – the frustration, the anger at the little one. On the other hand, depression is also very common, and if you need some medication to feel better, I highly recommend it. Also, it might be time to have Braden go to a preschool or daycare part-time so you can have some Lotus time. He could use some time with other kids, and you could use some time for yourself. Please take care of yourself, and know that others have been there, and you are not alone.

    Adenas last blog post..A shrine to sports

    July 24, 2008
  • I get this. Man do I GET this.

    And I am hoping that my happiness is just around the corner in summer. If summer doesn’t make me happy, then I think I need to have a good sit down and talk with myself.

    Veronicas last blog post..Wits End

    July 24, 2008
  • Dear, sweet, wonderful, kind, lovely Lotus. I can only speak to you as a man – because, through the wonderful machinations of genetics and hormones, I am one.

    Post Partum Depression is a killer. Literally and figuratively. See someone. Talk to someone. Figure this thing out.

    And don’t think for a minute that this couldn’t be PPD. Because it COULD BE. Your hormones are NOT what they were before you got pregnant. The chemical balances in your body have been modified and they need time to return to ‘normal’ and in the meantime – Lord only knows what part of LaLaLand those imbalances are going to take you to.

    Sweety, there isn’t anybody out here that loves you more than I do. It breaks my heart that I can’t be there to help you. That all I can do is make guesses at what you need and offer thin phrasses of encouragement from a distance.

    But if there’s anything you think I CAN do, that would help, all you need do is ask.

    There isn’t ANYTHING you can ask of me that I won’t try my damnedest to do.

    July 24, 2008
  • It’s okay to admit that you’re depressed and need help. There is no shame and when you’ve begun to feel better you’ll be able to acknowledge that it’s a HUGE step to walk into a doctor’s office. Start with you GYN and tell her how you’re feeling. You’re NOT the only one.

    Seize this day and make an appointment. It will take one phone call. You can do it.

    Let us now how it goes.

    July 24, 2008
  • “They” say that the first step is admitting you need help. I realized I couldn’t control the anger and depression anymore and I found my help when I realized I really could just run the other guy over with my car (I didn’t, but I could).

    I now take a little pill everyday that doesn’t do a damn thing for me, but it makes the rest of the world sane.

    Suddenly, after a lifetime of not knowing when the crazy would strike, or the anger would surface, I know what it is like to have normal emotions and normal reactions to things. It is amazing. I have been taking something for about 6 years now and am truly living life whereas before I was just exhisting.

    Lotus, I know the anger and the crazy you speak of. I know how hard it is to admit that you need help of any kind be it in the form of a counselor to talk to (which, by the way, I highly recommend finding one at least for the short term) or medicinal help (which I highly recommend because it DOES help immensely to put things into focus). I can only offer you prayers of support and cyber ((((((hugs))))) of support.

    July 24, 2008
  • I so feel you on this one! You are most definitely not alone. I have been fighting my inner crazy for months now and have finally realized I need help to climb back up the spiral.

    Good luck! E-mail me if you need to vent or talk!

    July 24, 2008
  • Kim

    I am going to echo what so many have stated already.. go see someone. If they dismiss you..go see someone else. YOU KNOW YOU. I am not saying seek out meds.. but seek out someone who is willing to hear YOU, not the text book mumbo jumbo they practiced in school.

    BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!

    Kims last blog post..Some Milk a Three Year Old & Nuts

    July 24, 2008
  • Michelle

    I was about to go to bed and thought ‘no, I’ll see what Lotus has written today’. And now I want to cry…

    I love your openness and honesty, and as others have said, we all feel like that sometimes. I used to put my son in his pram up the other end of the house as a baby when he was crying for ‘no reason’ – not hungry, wet, etc. – so I didn’t pick him up and throw him at the wall. It probably didn’t help that my father-in-law, whom I was close to, died less than 48 hours after he was born (but he did get to see him and spend over an hour with him).

    God is good, and He does listen and answer prayers. But He also put other people around us (whether in your neighborhood or on the other side of the world) to also care for and love you. And the medical profession aren’t evil and to be avoided! Seek help, and if you feel brushed off, seek help from another doctor, and if you aren’t being listened to, find another doctor, until you find one who will listen and help. You know your body, you know what you’re going through (whether it is PPD or grief or thyroid, it is real) , and you know when you’re not getting what you need, so keep looking until you do. You, John and Braden will ALL benefit from a healthier Lotus.

    Will continue to pray and love you and your family.

    July 24, 2008
  • xxxxoooo You know I have been there, pretty much right where you are. I sat up in bed one night, started crying and said to Mike, “I’m just not happy and I don’t know why”. And I wasn’t! The only thing/person at all in my life that didn’t make me mad or sad was Matthew. For awhile I felt like I was only holding on for him.

    For me it was partially PPD and a LOT my thyroid problems. Since I have my thyroid levels fairly balanced, things are better, I don’t need any other meds now. Please get to whatever help you can and don’t be embarrassed by any of it. It takes a strong woman to admit she needs help, to seek it and accept it. You are a strong woman. A good, strong woman.

    Let me know if there is anything at all I can do from way over here on the other side of the planet.

    I love you.

    July 24, 2008
  • Good for you for asking for what you need. It is hard to do. I have to admit to having days that I barely hang on with my daughter. Days that I want to scream and yell and throw things. This morning I swear she is working hard to push my buttons and breakfast isn’t even over yet. So please don’t feel that you are out of the ordinary for feeling that way. But I am sure you have other reasons and feel the degree of your feelings warrant assistance.

    And 5 seconds of assvice: unless the help you need stems from a medical issue (thyroid, hormones, etc), medical doctors are not the best ones to ask for that kind of help. They tend to be dismissive or go to their favorite drug of choice which might no be what you need. So don’t get discouraged if you don’t get what you need from your traditional doctor. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

    July 24, 2008
  • I hope your doc helps you, if you feel this strongly.
    My one doc, even thought she has all kinds of mental health brochures and posters in her office, REFUSED to do ANYTHING FOR ME because it wasn’t postpartum! My general doc told me to lose weight. A doc told me along time ago that if you want to kill yourself is perfectly normal.
    I pray you get better answers and help from your doc.

    July 24, 2008
  • Awww, girl! Don’t worry, this is normal. With my first I was fighting depression and dealing with a very high maintenance little girl (she still is!). I lost my temper more times than I can count and had to put myself in time out. I know that it’s really tough sometimes but this too shall pass. My youngest is the same age as Braden and she’s going through the same thing, shoving toys and books in my face, slapping and hitting and best of all, playing with her poop every FREAKIN’ time she goes! Repeat with me: THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

    July 24, 2008
  • We all have the crazies inside. That said, please get help from someone who will listen, not just prescribe.

    Loves and hugs and kisses.

    July 24, 2008
  • Knowing you are not alone with your feelings doesn’t make them go away, but maybe seeing that your particular brand of crazy isn’t unique could give you some hope.
    I am in a similar place and have been EVIL to my husband and resentful of my darling son. I think when we are with our kids 24/7 we forget that we can’t pour water from an empty vessel. I give and give from the essence of my soul and I don’t have two fackin seconds to fill back up. Its the lack of filling-back- up -ness that I think is causing my current level of insanity. I do not know, at this moment, the solution but at least I have SOME insight.
    In your case I think you have some legitimate hormonal stuff going on and that you may be underestimating how grief is affecting your life.
    Go see a therapist…. there are many that work on a sliding scale.
    Thanks for sharing your journey, as it allows me to step out of the shadows and shine light on the places that need help to grow.

    July 24, 2008
  • I have totally been there, I swear to bob. And it does get easier. You just have to figure out (if you don’t already know) where the anger is coming from. Not the day-to-day minutiae that triggers it, but the thing from your past that planted the seed.
    Good luck! There is hope!

    July 24, 2008
  • Getting help is a smart step.

    Your son is so lucky to have you.

    Hugs.

    July 24, 2008
  • Love your honesty Lotus and I love your courage! To be happy-you have to define waht happiness means to you.Sometimes,as I understand it, happines is when you have what you want/need etc… but we know that isn’t always possible so I am at a loss a lot of times.

    July 24, 2008
  • You are not ‘crazy”.

    WE? are not “crazy”, OK?

    I’m so, so glad you’re going to the doctor. And I’ll hope and have faith enough for the both of us that this time works out better.

    Wow. I just remembered my mom saying that to me several months ago.

    “I know you can’t hope anymore baby, I know. I will hope enough for the both of us.”

    Here’s me. Hoping.

    July 24, 2008
  • I think you need to go read Mr. Lady’s Keynote speech from the Blogher Convention. Seriously.

    (((HUGS)))

    July 24, 2008
  • karin

    It’s a lot of stress to deal with a small kid all the time, so I feel where you’re coming from. Anyway you can get some time to yourself? You really sound like you just need some time alone, which may also help.
    I’ve also gotten dismissed for feeling depressed by my doctor (so I went and saw a psychiatrist), but I would remain persistent. I knew I needed anti-depressants and they helped me turn the corner with how I was feeling. Once I was in a better spot for a few months, I went off of them and have been feeling fine since.

    July 24, 2008
  • Girl, you have got to give yourself a break…

    Everyone has urges and thoughts that, when examined, are disgusting to them. I know that i fear that if people I love and that love me could see my thoughts they could never look at me again without feeling of disgust and disdain.

    But only God can see your thoughts and know your struggles like you do. God knows and has already forgotten the last time that you thought about doing that thing that you can’t believe you thought about doing. He doesn’t give a shit anymore. He forgives you. He loves you despite of your sick sinful state. And the struggle is to believe that it is possible that God loves and forgives you and to allow yourself to forgive yourself and put the thoughts (or actions) behind you. The struggle is to prevent the guilt from being thrown in your face and being yoked to your heart.

    I think its great that you are seeking help. I think that it is a courageous step. I encourage you to not dwell on the fact that you get frustrated and think about things that you wish you didn’t. Talk to you pastor too, they can probably recommend (and perhaps help you pay for) a counselor or therapist… or perhaps give your pastor in Austin a call and have a talk… just a thought..

    When the thoughts come up and we struggle through the temptation to chuck the little buggers into the beverage coolers at the grocery store and high-tail it to the local pub and then find ourselves wiping shit off their ass and thinking about how bad a parent we are… we need to realize that we are growing as a parent and a person and that we aren’t expected to be perfect. The parenting books and materials lead you to believe that if you aren’t always doing a perfect job than your kids will be deranged and will probably never learn to count. bollocks.

    July 24, 2008
  • Hi Lotus. I am usually a lurker but today I couldn’t sit back and not throw my thoughts out there.
    I have been there. I have two wonderful children and another on the way. The one that’s on it’s way wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that one little pill I take daily. Before my meds, I was right there with you. I cried myself to sleep at night because I felt like a terrible mom because I just couldn’t handle it. Once the meds kicked in I saw and felt a difference. Even my children saw it. When a 3 year old comes to you one day and says, I love you happy! you know they know. I fought with the idea of being on meds. Then I realized if it was going to help me be the mother I knew I could be, who would it hurt?
    You are a fabulous, strong woman and a wonderful mother to boot…you know in your heart what you need and it looks like you are asking for it. Good luck with the dr.

    July 24, 2008
  • Before I forget, I wanted to be a bitch and correct you (and most of the people in the world do the same), but when you want to be alone it’s “asocial” not anti-social.

    Anti-social is when you have no regard for laws or people. Think Uni-bomber. Aileen Wuornos. John Wayne Gacy. People who do harm to others and have no remorse for it.

    My boss was quick to correct me – and others – on that, so I think I took it on.

    OK. Back to reading!!

    July 24, 2008
  • Sweetie I lose my shit with my girls and I’m NOT home with them all the time and my husband doesn’t travel. It happens to everyone and honestly if it doesn’t? Then wow…I want to know how they do it!

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself. I have been a veritable PMS wreck this week and lost my temper with my girls yesterday and the day before. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true.

    I don’t know if this is too simple a solution, but maybe if you could carve out a little “me” time for Lotus? Maybe do a mom’s day out a half day a week?

    Just know you are not alone!

    July 24, 2008
  • Oh, Lotus.

    I almost wrote “go talk to someone; go see a doctor” when I read your post earlier this week about life post-miscarriage. Not because feeling the way you’re feeling isn’t normal after a miscarriage, but because I sensed that YOU sensed something more was wrong.

    Please go see someone. I agree with an earlier poster, but I wouldn’t have thought of it myself… go see your GYN… he or she will get you started right. And if you’re not listened to, find someone else.

    From reading your blog, I know that finances are tight. I also know that good help (in the form of therapy, medication or both) is NOT cheap… but it is so worth it. I could write a book about my own journey with both therapy and medication.

    I’ll be praying for good help for you and for the financial means to pay for it. (Maybe some of the savings you’ve accumulated is actually for this, but you hadn’t known it before now.)

    If there’s anything more I can do, don’t hesitate to ask.

    Rebecca

    July 24, 2008
  • You’ve taken the first step, and it’s a big one, so congratulations.
    I have lived with dysthymia my whole life, never heard of it until a very smart doctor diagnosed me with it 9 years ago. Basically, it’s a constant low-grade depression that can easily go into full-blown depression. No one talks about it, even though depression is no longer taboo.
    Do what is best for you. I wish you much luck.

    July 24, 2008
  • I’ll admit, freely, that I’ve had days like that. That I’ve had months like that. That I’ve had years like that.
    Part of it is being a SAHM, being with a child 24-7, with limited adult contact. Part of it might be a chemical imbalance, or whatever the reason is for mental “disorders”.

    I wish I could say that the feelings go away, but I don’t think that they do. You just learn to cope and manage them, and find a safe outlet. Right now, it sounds like you just need to find your outlet, be it a class that lets you beat out your frustrations, or just a punching bag in a room.

    July 24, 2008
  • You know, I have felt the EXACT same way with Aidan at times. There have been times where I just wanted to take my anger out on him. I don’t think of anything else once I’m ageful, so when I feel myself getting irritable and worked up, I think of how I’m lucky to even have my son and remind myself that he may not be here tomorrow. I also think about those babies who were abused until they just died – the one little girl posted on myspace – and I think about how some have passed away because of illnesses, like Betsey Boom’s baby Jadon. These things make me cry a good hard cry, which is what I needed to do in the first place. As long as you can do that, then you can start exploring and learning where to go from there. You can start building your foundation.
    And it’s OK to start over from time-to-time, just accept that you are human and you have feelings that can’t be ignored.

    I’m behind you.

    July 24, 2008
  • And I know you said you’d never hurt him, and neither would I, I just wanted to share my story and what I do to deal with my feelings in the moment.

    I know I need more help with my anxiety as it consumes me and fuels what leads up to my fire.

    A Jill of All Tradess last blog post..Good things come to those who wait.

    July 24, 2008
  • Please don’t think you are the only one who goes through this. I mean you know you are not right? Of course we love our children but that doesn’t mean they don’t make us “crazy” every now and again.

    I hope the doctor gives you the help you need. After I had my first son I couldn’t believe I had PPD, but I did. The stuff they gave me to take changed my entire perspective. Sending hugs…

    P.S. I’ve left you a little award. : )

    Elaines last blog post..17 Blogs That I Think Are Pretty Cool

    July 24, 2008
  • I’ve been in therapy for 6 months for exactly these same symptoms. It has helped. And, it sounds that, like you, it was the anger I felt towards my toddler that got me there. Random crazy I could cope with on my own all my life until I realized being a mother had taken away all my coping skills/decompression time and tools.
    Good luck!

    Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..Toodles!

    July 24, 2008
  • You just wrote the story of my life. If you feel that you need help of soem kind… get it. I have gotten my help through meditation and deep breathing. It works sometimes. I was on medication when my daughter was younger and hated it. Whatever works for you is what you should do.

    Maybe just realizing that you are not alone will help you. I have three kids. I am a screaming harridan at times and hate it. I am always the one walking sideways. I am always the one who is different. I am always the one who is a little crazy.

    Hugs to you. Kudos to you for realizing what is going on.

    July 24, 2008
  • Get out of my head, Lotus. And if you get that chance to go a few more steps, or figure out how to jump them, let me know, kay?

    July 24, 2008
  • Kumiko

    You have no idea how glad I was to read this (not for you, but for myself). It is exactly how I feel and I have 3 kids so mine is times 3. In my circle I too have always been the “crazy” (silly, loud, obnoxious, opinionated, say anything to anyone) person. I can soooo relate to this post.
    I have been on and off meds many times and I must admit that I do considerably better when I am on them. Not just my children notice the difference, everyone around me notices. I absolutely hate, hate, hate that I take them and I desperately wish that I didn’t need to, but my children need me sane more.
    It hit me hard, when I realized that my children were watching me sit in a chair, staring aimlessly at a wall crying, while my mother rushed around cleaning my house begging me to get out of the chair and do something.
    If you really truly feel this way I hope you can find a doctor that will help you and put you on some meds that can help you with this.
    I haven’t commented on any of your posts before, but reading this one, I felt compelled to, because its like looking in a mirror.
    I wish you well and I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    July 24, 2008
  • I have been there too (although I am behind you since your boy is older!)… I get the urge to yell and scream… I have even thrown pacifiers (not at him but across the room!) I want to be the perfect awesome mom but we all have our breaking points. Good luck with the help… I honestly believe we all need help… more people should seek it out! Love the honesty!

    Jessis last blog post..Wipeout

    July 24, 2008
  • I have so been there– am STILL so there sometimes. Good on ya for taking the steps I have been to scared to take. I’m so afraid of being told I’m “broken” that I’m too afraid to get fixed.

    July 24, 2008
  • I have been where you are. You may have a more severe form of PPD called Postpartum OCD. You stated that ‘I literally fight the Real Life Urge to ACTUALLY do those things,” which is a classic symptom. Please google the term and read some of the stories of women who have gone through it.

    After each of my three children, I suffered from this. I thought I was going crazy and it made every day torture until a cousin told me that she had experienced the same thing. I had never heard of it before. I got some medication and it improved dramatically.

    If you feel uncomfortable talking to a mental health specialist, talk to your gynecologist and explain your symptoms. My gynecologist was the person who prescribed medication for me.

    Feel free to email me.

    July 24, 2008
  • Oh Lotus, I’ve been sitting here for like 20 minutes writing responses, erasing them, and writing them over. It’s just that I want to say something so special to match the depth of what you have shared. I’m struggling to find the words. Maybe it’s because what I feel in my heart doesn’t have words. It has familiarity….like you took a part of my process and wrote about it from your experience. It has compassion…I see you…all of you….and I love you more because of it. The crazy really isn’t crazy…it’s simply the fear of being you and wrapped in craziness. Okay I’m not sure if I’m even making sense now – oops, there’s my own fear of being me! – but mostly I just want you to know that what you shared is pure courage and you are so much closer to true happiness than you realize. In fact, I believe you are standing on it!

    *HUGS*

    July 24, 2008
  • Your words resonate with me. I feel some of those same things. I hope you don’t get dismissed either.

    blogversarys last blog post..typos are free

    July 24, 2008
  • Allie

    I cry in the shower…

    July 24, 2008
  • The fact that you’ve admitted this makes you stronger than you know.

    Here’s hoping that doc can help you – while he’s making you feel better, us happy crazy owls will be here cheering you on.

    Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..I think I’m turning into a GIRL.

    July 24, 2008
  • You’re not crazy. Well, no more than anyone else. We all have our demons. You are a hero for beating yours and admitting these things. If even one person feels less alone because of your honesty you’ve done something wonderful. I used to cry every night and beg God to help me be a better mom – to help me keep the crazy in. My mom let the crazy out big time and I don’t ever want to be the mom that goes from laughing to screaming, hitting, throwing dishes and raging for hours. I know that mom is inside me though and I fight it every day. You are a wonderful mother Lotus, just keep embracing the good and fending off the bad.

    July 24, 2008
  • Sorry for the double comments but I wanted to add that I saw 6 doctors and tried several medications before I felt better. It also took two years to be where I am now. The crazy is on the horizon rather than a few feet away.

    Erins last blog post..DSC01388

    July 24, 2008
  • Your very brave to admit there is indeed some kind of problem lurking, getting help is the next step. As you see from many other women you are not alone and will get through this. It may take time, patience, and hard work but know there is a nice, warm ,delightful, brilliant light at the end of your tunnel with the much needed happiness you deserve!! Hang in there…

    July 24, 2008
  • That first phone call is the hardest to make, but it’s the biggest relief to know that you’re taking steps to get help shouldering the burden of your crazy-making instead of carrying it all yourself.

    A previous commenter said something about being disappointed in you if you start psych meds. Please ignore that. Meds can help many people, even if they’re not for everyone, but try not to let anyone judge you for what you might need.

    I found this post through Twitter, so I haven’t read before, but this post resonated with me so much I had to comment. I had a baby six months ago, my second. Things were going well. Then, suddenly they weren’t. I started losing the desire to do things that made me happy; I was tired all the time; I could easily get mired in worry and shame about inconsequential things or things I couldn’t control; I even found myself crying for no reason. Someone else mentioned PPD in your comments, so if that’s a possibility for you, it’s not out of the realm that you could have an internal chemical imbalance.

    I started with my OB/GYN. I figured if she would be the best person to point me in the right direction, be it medication, a specialist dealing with PPD, or a support group to look into. Maybe you could start there, if you don’t know where to go.

    I hope you find a hand to hold, some help to quiet your fears. You’re a good mom for recognizing your flaws with your child and then taking steps to keep from making those flaws in your head outward flaws in your relationship with your son. It’s courageous, your willingness to do the hard thing to do right by yourself and your family. Not everyone can.

    Andreas last blog post..Mobility, Pending

    July 24, 2008
  • I feel like I could have written this post. Right now, the crazy and I dance circles around each other and I temper it with a little orange pill every morning. But its still there. We are learning to live with each other, but its an uneasy truce.

    I love your blog. You rock.

    July 24, 2008
  • For much of my life I felt the same way. Although I don’t have kids, there are definitely days when crazy wins. Lately I find it better for everyone if I spend more time alone. I too am thinking I need help and have questioned it regularly for the last few years. You are strong and will find even ground eventually.

    July 24, 2008
  • I know this might sound weird, but I’ve been feeling something…off for you. But you’re in my prayers.

    The first step in solving a problem you have is admitting you’ve got one.

    You’ve just helped instigate some research I really want to start doing. Thank you. I think it’s something that’s been cooking at the back of my head, but now I’m really going to look into it.

    Good luck, you will stay in my prayers!

    July 24, 2008
  • If you get dismissed again, make the call again. And again and again and again. You’re worth it.

    July 24, 2008
  • Thanks for putting yourself “out there” with your vulnerability. You’re giving your son a gift by getting help, and you’re helping other moms, too, by sharing your heart. Good luck with the referral.

    July 24, 2008
  • Alyssa

    Any doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, etc. that dismisses a client’s concerns is not worth the client’s time or money. Period.
    You have a right to be heard, and listened to. Just because someone has a doctorate doesn’t necessarily make them smart.

    July 24, 2008
  • Corrie

    I have been lurking for some time and never planned to comment. But, like a few others, this post has drawn me out into the open…

    I have to applaud you – and all of the other brave moms – for standing up, in front of everyone, and admitting that they aren’t perfect! I can recall a number of times when I could be found on the porch at 2am, feeling completely alone, and crying as quietly as possible so as not to disturb anyone…and I really thought that “good” moms would NEVER do/say/think some of the things that I had…I now know differently, of course. But that little revelation took a few years to come about.

    Docs are important, meds are important…but something else that is important? Moms need to feel okay about sharing these feelings with each other.

    July 24, 2008
  • hang in there. you’re definitely not alone. i’m not sure that makes you feel better in the short term, but just know there’s a ginormous community of women who feels the exact same way. you’re not crazy–you’re a mom.

    xo

    shaunas last blog post..don’t mess with texas, y’all

    July 24, 2008
  • I usually just lurk, but had to comment to say I too have been there, and “there” SUCKED. I yelled at the kids until they cried, and then cried myself. I wanted to lock myself in my room, or drive away forever. Then the insomnia started. And the suicidal feelings–because I COULD NOT cope without sleep.

    To make a long story short, I made the call and got help. I take meds and I will take them as long as I and my doctor think that I need them (I have a family history of depression, so it probably wasn’t just PPD.)

    As one commenter said, I got over feeling guilty or abnormal for needing meds by reminding myself that if my pancreas didn’t produce insulin, I wouldn’t feel guilty and I would take the medication. I would do other things to control my disease, like diet and exercise, and in that way I do take time for me, etc. I had been in therapy for several years before all this hit, and it can be useful for many people, but in my case I had already explored my past and I think it was mostly biochemical. I remember when the meds started kicking in I was like, “So this is what it feels like to be normal.”

    BUT when the drugs are right for you, they won’t change your personality. You’ll still be you, just happy. Wishing you the best…

    July 24, 2008
  • Oh, and I forgot to say….um…been there, done that, just because P’s about a year older doesn’t mean I don’t still go through those phases with him. I can’t tell you how many times over the last year or so I thought to myself “I want to be ME again!” I’m getting there, slowly.

    And my “t-shirt” was actually a needlework that a friend of mine gave me as a graduation present. It has 3 cats, 2 of which have their back to the viewer, the 3rd of course look at you, and it says “There’s one in every crowd.” I was DEFINITELY that one.

    July 24, 2008
  • Eve

    Ah, Lotus, I feel your pain. My daughter spent two weeks in a “Behavioral Health Center” a few years ago because she was hearing voices and thought her husband was Satan. Her problem was sleep-deprived psychosis brought on by an out-of-balance thyroid. Since then she is on meds to help her sleep and meds to help her wake up. (I call her Elvis.) Her thyroid levels are also checked regularly and she takes antidpressants. She also sees a counselor regularly.

    With all this help she has once again found her happiness. She no longer worries that she will hurt one of her children. I hope your doctor takes you seriously and gets you the help you need, too.

    July 24, 2008
  • […] Just not feeling like it really. I vomited my soul yesterday. […]

    July 25, 2008
  • Just wanted to tell you that I really do KNOW that feeling. I am presently taking meds for depression and it has helped. I know what it is to fear hurting your child because they just make you so crazy! I’m glad you are seeking out help. It doesn’t make you any less of a good mom. And if you need to chat I’m available anytime. Really.

    July 25, 2008
  • dear lotus~
    i’m de-lurking to offer even more support for you. you are an amazing mom. really. i know i don’t “know” you and all… but your love for braden, and your life, come shining through. i have my crazy days, too. and my days when i think i have every reason in the world to be happy and no reason at all to be depressed– so why can’t i just “snap out it”??? well, we can’t just decide how to feel– even when we really really want to feel differently than we do. you have a beautiful life, and i know you know it because you share it with us so eloquently… now i hope you find a way to *feel* that beauty everyday.

    blessings,
    amy

    July 25, 2008
  • river

    I forgot about your thyroid problem. It’s possible that medication needs to be adjusted since you were so recently pregnant. My own daughter went through a year of adjustments before finding the correct dose for her. now that your hormones are a little out of whack you should probably look into it.

    July 25, 2008
  • Rebecca

    I could have written this myself. …

    July 25, 2008
  • cj

    Lotus, what can I add that all the other posters haven’t? I have been there, still there sometimes.

    When you have young children at home and you stay at home with them, the days do get dark. Us moms are super heroes. You can do this. Get help. No big deal.

    July 25, 2008
  • cj

    Just thought I’d add, go to your midwife/OB/GYN first! You did just experience a pre-natal loss and you’re still a young mom, meaning you have a toddler at home. AND you’re left alone a lot it seems from you posts about your husband being gone. That is a recipe for crazy. God bless.

    July 25, 2008
  • KimlovesKolby

    Lotus you have some really great friends that have posted really great comments and advice. I too deal with issues, and I am not at home with my son everyday and I have a husband that is with me. As so many others have said, you are not alone. You can take comfort in that statement alone. Granted, that statement will not get you exactly where you need to be. I have talked to therapists, I take anxiety pills when needed, I have “me” time, and all of this is great and it has helped me more than anyone can imagine. But the BIGGEST reason that I have dealt so well with my issues—->I turned it ALL over to God! The happiness that you seek Lotus cannot be found in this world, and you will search yourself silly looking for it. Talk to God daily like you talk to us here during blogging, and leave it there with Him. Cry with Him, Laugh with Him, Yell at Him and put your heart out there to Him. He can and will help you Lotus. The peace of God surpasses ANY other wordly peace that you can search for. Take comfort in the great friends and support base that you have Lotus, and know that I am one more friend lifting you up in prayer.

    July 25, 2008
  • Remember how when we were chatting a few days ago on Facebook, I said I could see quitting blogging and just IM-ing everyone because you never get to see the real person in blog posts anymore.

    I just changed my mind.

    July 25, 2008
  • I know anything I say can’t make it better…but I’m glad you’re getting some help. It’s hard to admit needing help (for anything, really), and taking this step is so important. I’m proud of you :)

    July 25, 2008
  • This is so very brave of you to document all this and admit that you need help. And you do have to try to find a way around the sadness and the anger because there is someone more precious than anything else depending on you. Good luck with everything. All my thoughts and prayers are with you that you find the answer you need.

    Mary Beths last blog post..VINDICATION

    July 25, 2008
  • Lotus, I’ve said it this week, but I’m saying it again for you.

    In an insane society, the sane appear insane.

    Sometimes I think I’m crazy too.

    I also think having that feeling of happiness is *just* out of reach is part of the game of being human. Is it that way so we’ll continue to push ourselves towards growth? To experience new things? Have new ideas? I like that perspective better than a negative one, I suppose. It’s only as real as I believe in it.

    Also, coming from a mom of 8 years, not getting serious and *real* time off from the kids will wear ANYONE down. BTDT.

    Would it be possible, as part of your help, to hire a babysitter once a week for a few hours at a time? Just so you can go and be without any demands on you? once you start getting that on a regular basis, it’s amazing the mental shift that occurs.

    Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..To Write or Not To Write?

    July 25, 2008
  • Been there, wrote it, screamed it, lived it, fixed it!

    I’m proud of you for voicing it to the blog-o-sphere! I wish I could have, and you were very much more TAME than I was…print that post and take it to the doc with you.

    I am also an advocate for meds…best pills I have ever taken for anything in my life. I could live with a dull headache forever but I wouldn’t want to live without my “happy pills”…best $$ spent EVER!!!

    And my family would tell you the same thing! They actually like me now!

    Best of luck – please keep us posted!

    Steph T.s last blog post..Unconditional Love

    July 25, 2008
  • I’m here for ya. You know where to find me.

    July 25, 2008
  • Kay

    Remember when asked you quite frequently to do a post that de-glamourized motherhood for me?? THANK YOU!! FINALLY! But on a more serious note, I pray your doctor will not dismiss your concerns. I don’t know what’s normal, but if you feel abnormal, hopefully the doctor will listen and go in search for answers for you. xoxoxoxoxox

    July 25, 2008
  • pam

    YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! And if the doctor blows you off please go to another doctor. If you have the balls to reach out for help a doctor WILL help you. My thoughts are some counseling will help. But I promise you will get better. I’ve been there and I know you will get better. Just don’t get discouraged and give up, please.

    July 25, 2008
  • Dude, I’m on anti-depressants, I’m a therapist, and I STILL feel like that. I can’t believe what a bitch I am to my kids,(esp. for the past few weeks) but the bitchy stuff I have the urge to do scares the crap out of me.

    Lunaseas last blog post..I Blame G’s Genes

    July 25, 2008
  • Oh, I want to clarify….anti-depressants, for me, are a life-saver. It’s just that they don’t take away everything…which I think is ultimately good.

    Lunaseas last blog post..I Blame G’s Genes

    July 25, 2008
  • I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The reasons for blogging are endless, but amongst them lie having a place to cry out when one needs to, and having an amazing community of wonderful people who will leave you insightful thoughts, suggestions and kind words when you can most cherish them. Thank you all so very much for taking the time to reflect, share, and even cry with me.

    You lift me up.

    July 25, 2008
  • I think every mom has a big bowl of crazy on the table. I’ve thought and felt these things and worse. Like you, humor made it more bearable when it felt especially crazy-making for someone who cherishes a bit of alone time.

    I remember being a single mom and being driven nuts because I couldn’t even pee without my kiddo sitting in my lap. (“Kid, you gotta get down so mommy can wipe. K? Can wiping my ass be a one-person event, just for today?”)

    I also once had a nightmare I’d beaten my colicky ear-infection-plagued firstborn to death. Even though, in real life, I sobbed the time I was clipping her toenails and accidentally cut too close on those nearly transparent baby nails, making her pinky toe bleed a drop.

    I don’t say this to diminish what you’re experiencing — just to validate that others, like me, have been there and know how painful and horrifying it can be.

    It’s good to talk about it, to get help for mental, physical and emotional needs. Hugs. I’ll be rooting for you.

    Carolyn Bahms last blog post..Twitter Digest: My Tweets for 2008-07-25

    July 26, 2008
  • Do what’s best for YOU. The anger thing, in my experience, needs some serious talk therapy (and quite possibly “alternative” methods like hypnotherapy), but the depression and anxiety thing?
    Sometimes talk therapy just. can’t. take. that. away.

    Good luck, hun.

    July 26, 2008
  • Lotus. It’s hard for me to know what to say to this. Thank you for putting it out there – I don’t want to minimize what you’re feeling, but just know that many, many other mothers have been exactly where you are. You have done a great service to those of us who have felt this way.

    I was honestly shocked that I got so depressed being at home with my kids. And my husband works in town, so I can’t imagine how lonely and miserable you must be at times when it’s only you and the kiddo for weeks at a time.

    I second someone else’s suggestion of trying to get a sitter or something so you can have a few moments to yourself. It’s amazing what a sanity-saver that is.

    And get thee some good drugs! Demand it – that’s what doctors are for, dammit!

    Take care and please keep us updated on your progress. :)

    andis last blog post..Common sense and impeccable timing: I have neither

    July 26, 2008
  • hi there ~
    i think you and i would have gotten along very well growing up. you sounded soooo like me then.

    i love being with certain people, but i have to have my alone time, too. i crave it.

    your post sounds pretty normal to me.

    lots of people are not as willing to open themselves up and say what is really on their minds … especially the demons and or depression that haunts them at times. you are one gutsy lady.

    revel in the differences. who wants to be just like everybody else. you get to be your unique self.

    this, too, shall pass and your little one will not be little forever. you will get more of the along time you crave. and it will get easier.

    thanks for this post. glad i stumbled upon it because my buddy put your post in her favorite posts in her google reader, which we both use.

    trust your gut. and remember to pray and be thankful. that’s it. that’s all i can think of right now. take care girl, kathleenybeany :)

    July 26, 2008
  • I just want you to know that I understand a lot of how you feel, especially the sudden, scary anger. I have suffered from postpartum depression since my secondborn was 3 months old, and she will be 1 in two weeks. I finally got help – in the form of Zoloft – when my husband told me that sometimes, when he called me and I didn’t pick up, he worried that I had harmed one of our girls. I’m proud of you for seeking help, and I really hope that this doctor will listen and give you what you need. If he doesn’t, though, please don’t give up! Find someone else, and try again. YOU know that you need it.

    Makeshift Mamas last blog post..Teh Past

    July 26, 2008
  • I know exactly how you feel. I often think I’m going crazy and just put my pen to paper to get it out. Now that I’ve started a blog (a whole 6 posts long) I can put my fingers on my keyboard and walk away feeling less crazy. Which seems crazy, but it has worked for me. So far. Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Thanks for keeping it real. I love that about you. Always real!

    heartache heartburns last blog post..Glimpses of me

    July 27, 2008
  • I just recently stumbled upon your blog, and this post really hit me. I feel like you are telling my story of depression…being the misfit in HS, who was “different” on purpose to hide what was really going on inside…the college student who did all kinds of crazy stuff because it was a good way to keep anyone from looking deeper into what was really going on. Using sarcasm and humor to deflect anyone from finding out the truth. I look back at journals I kept in HS and college and am amazed at how many times I wrote “I’m just not meant to be happy.” Or the time in college when I broke my hand punching a cinder block dorm wall in a depressed fit…the times I locked myself in my room and cried (for no reason).

    I did eventually get help, and the meds changed my life. I realized that I can be happy, I’m not destined to be depressed for my entire life! But there is another side of them…while the meds dull the depression and anger, they can also dull the happy. I didn’t realize this until I went off them less than a year ago to get pregnant.

    I now have a beautiful baby boy, and I am scared to death of the depression coming back. Because I know that he needs me. The sleepless nights are hard, the knowing that my time and my life are no longer mine is difficult. But what is hardest, what scares me most, is depression rearing its ugly head and taking away the joy of being a mom, and taking away from my son the mom who feels that joy. And my husband losing his wife to the shell that I become when depressed. And even more, given the genetic basis of depression, I can’t bare the thought that my son will experience the same things I did.

    Sorry for hijacking your comments, but I think I needed this release!

    Saras last blog post..He’s Here!

    August 01, 2008
  • I have an exercise that can help you heal from this. Email me if interested.

    witchypoos last blog post..Drinker With a Running Problem

    August 02, 2008

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