I like to joke that I have a penis, but in my jokes, it’s already big, thank you very much!
Have you ever been going about your business as usual, not hungry at all, and all of a sudden you want to eat everything within reach? Like, your appetite doubles times infinity plus seventy-eleven, in the blink of an eye?
Or, you want greek olives, peanut butter, apples, and tuna fish all at the same time? Along with your tropical punch flavored juice?
Yeah. That was me earlier this evening, and I have absolutely no reason why. And before your brain cells start rubbing up against each other all excitedly and “squeeing” as they trip over themselves, anxious to stimulate you hurriedly to suggest that I am pregnant, that’s gonna be a big N-O, Roger.
I can’t stop myself from interjecting here to say that every.single.time I see/hear/think the name “Roger” nowadays, I instantly hear an asian man’s voice saying, “Sorry, Rogah, you tigah now.”
And it makes me happy. Every time. Why is that so funny to me? Anyway…
See, certain things have to happen to make a baby. For a baby to get inside of a Mommy’s tummy, a Mommy and a Daddy have to love each other very much and then get really close to each other, and the Daddy has to hug the Mommy and then… Ok, you know what? This is going nowhere.
Ya’ll KNOW “How Babies Are Made.“ If you don’t, you are either too young to be reading this blog (I AM SO GOING TO TELL YOUR PARENTS! YOU BETTER GO BACK TO NICKELODEON.COM RIGHT THIS MINUTE.) or you are not very bright, and in that case, perhaps it is for the best that you do not understand the whole process. The rest of you are probably visualizing dirty bits and such now.
(Haha, I made you all think about doing it. Well, except for those of you who were already thinking about it anyway. Pervs. You know who you are. I see you over there, stop trying to hide and avert your eyes. Oh, I also see you, you who are making really, direct, uncomfortable eye contact with me and twitching a little. You are freaking me out. Stop that.)
Uh… so, what was I saying again? Oh yeah. I’m definitely NOT pregnant. I mean, John was on the west coast of the US while I was ovulating, and while he is.. uh… not lacking in the manly parts department by any stretch of the imagination, he isn’t THAT gifted.
And really, if there’s any wenis out there that can reach from California to Tennessee? I AM SCARED. Keep that thing away from me. Also, inform the owner of said Giganto Wenis that he could make a FORTUNE in endorsement ads for all those creepy companies that send me emails claiming that their product will enable me to “knock down walls with your penis!” and “tear her apart with your rod!”
For the record, knocking down walls with my penis would be really cool, tearing someone apart, not so much. Maybe work on that ad campaign a little. Possibly only send it out to violent rapist types. And people who ACTUALLY HAVE PENISES.
Also, I do routinely joke that I actually have a penis (it’s funny, I don’t care what you say)… and you know what? Both my penis and I are pretty offended that I’m getting those emails at all. How insulting!
I wonder if John gets emails for products that will enable him to crush a man’s head to a pulp with his cleavage?
It’s hard to believe I started this post by talking about my weird cravings considering where it has lead.
Maybe that’s what happens when you eat dried cherries and pork sausage together. Hm.
Thoughts?
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river
You mean everyone DOESN’T eat dried cherries and pork sausage together?
I hate those penis emails. Why they think any woman WANTS to be “torn apart by his extremely large rod” and even worse “all night sex” , (no thanks, I’d rather get some sleep). Why do they think men want such giant penises anyway? Where do they think they’re going to put them? (I’m not a horse for cryin’ out loud!) And think of all the adjustments needed for their regular clothing…….
Violet The Verbose
Hee hee, ha ha, hoo hoo – sniff! (wiping my eyes) Thanks. I that was a really good read, resulting in a really good laugh. HA HA!
Violet The Verboses last blog post..Loving School / Seeing Red (and Green)
Victoria Marinelli
Re: I wonder if John gets emails for products that will enable him to crush a man’s head to a pulp with his cleavage – awesome.
Also, your apparent ADD in collision with mine (say, if we were ever to meet for coffee, geographic boundaries be damned) would probably give us both heart attacks.
nan
Trying to rub several unseemly mental images out of my head with a brillo pad right now but I gotta tell ya… this line, “I wonder if John gets emails for products that will enable him to crush a man’s head to a pulp with his cleavage?” almost made me pee my pants laughing. You are hysterical.
nans last blog post..Fall Portraits
Karin
LOL!!!!! and lol some more!! You really are very, very funny and I know you’ve probably heard it so many times, that its lame by now, but still. Thanks for that, the way your mind works is just so FANTASTIC!
Karins last blog post..Weekly Winners: 7 – 13 September
kateanon
While I wouldn’t want to experience the penis that stretches from CA to TN, I’d most certainly want to see it.
And I’m with ya, mine is so big in my head.
kateanons last blog post..bad news
Athena
Um no – because I know for a fact that dried cherries are officially healthy and yummy with damn near everything, including pork sausage. Yum.
)
(no, I am not preggers either)
And I have to admit that as I was reading the part about wondering if John gets emails for products that will enable him to crush a man’s head to a pulp with his… I wasn’t thinking cleavage at all. Damn – I AM a sicko. roflmao
~A
Athenas last blog post.."don’t make me angry…"
Neil
If we could knock down walls with our penises, then there would be no need for Home Depot.
Ashlie
You crack me up!
I think you could teach a thing or two to those marketing people. I’d like to see spam email titles ala Lotus!
Ashlies last blog post..Tina Fey IS Sarah Palin
Lou Lohman
You do know I left you something on my blog, right? And, btw, sorry about that eye contact thing – I couldn’t help myself – I figured the next thing you were going to do was expose yourself – and I didn’t want to MISS A THING!
Lou Lohmans last blog post..100 Word Challenge – twist – but no orgy
Twitter: lceel
Smoochiefrog
John may have been out of town while you were ovulating, but was he there about 5 days before? That’s how girl babies are made ya know.
Smoochiefrogs last blog post..Weekly Winners 9/14/08
Patsy Bain
I wish you could explain the weird food cravings. Yeah everyone says you might be prego, but hey, I’m way past that and still have them — I don’t think a boiled egg, peanut butter, cookies and jello chased by diet cola make for a diet breakfast —– I think I just undid my 2 mile walk this morning — drats!
Patsy Bains last blog post..Minor Wind — Light Rain — That’s All Folks
Queen of Shake Shake
You ask for my thoughts?
Penises and peanut butter.
This is what your post has done to me.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How a Farting Gapmom Clears the Room in 6.5 Seconds
Jenn
Oh my God! I didn’t even finish reading your post yet because I’m so freaking enthused by the fact that you also find that “Sorry Roger, you tiger now” commercial hilarious. That shit cracks me up every time and nobody else seems to get it. I always laugh and repeat it while my boyfriend looks at me like I have 3 heads. Awesome.
Jenns last blog post..More wisdom from Homer
alli
This is something I was giggling over this morning. It was cracking me up how I keep getting these emails about penis enlargement and I don’t have one and feel my DH doesn’t need to learn about them either. Sigh.
As for cravings, as a current preggo I don’t crave specific food but textures and sensations- creamy or spicy.
Ashley@ mrs007.net
Ok so I am still laughing at the comcast commercial. I kinda forgot about it, but now I recall that my husband and I walked around for weeks saying “Sorry Rogah you tigah now” In fact I am pretty sure it was my myspace headline for a time. Soooo funny to me too!
twingly25
I hate it when people assume that you might be prego because, a) your a woman b) you crave or eating something they think is weird c) not feeling well aka nauseous or d) all of the above. gee wiz can’t a woman just not feel good, or eat something that shouldn’t go together. Yes I’m tired of people joking that “oh you know what that means….” HELL no I’m not prego!! I have three kids…I’m DONE!!!!
twingly25
Now I’m going to eat pickles and ice cream!! LOL
MP
The Penetron.. as seen on TV.
Husband traveling? On the road too much? Want to still have sex? As long as you are still in the continental US you can enjoy your man w/ the Penetron.
MPs last blog post..Brilliant Fundraising
missy wiggins
Funny! I have been getting emails about enlarging my penis almost daily, except they spell it PINIS and it irks me. I really want to write them back and tell them that my penis is just the right size and perhaps they need to stop worrying about my penis and concern themselves with their own penis. First off, they should spell it correctly. I mean, how can you truly love the penis if you can’t even spell it’s name correctly?
missy wigginss last blog post..Weekly Winners 9/7-9/13
Twitter: molassa
tash
Came across from Lou’s and have to say –
hahaha… hilarious. Nice to see someone else goes off on tangents! And I agree with Nan, crushing heads between cleavage
Yes, I followed the link but in my defence thought it might have been to an older post. Seriously. Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
tashs last blog post..Feeling the Love
ali
i so don’t even know where to start with this one.
the cravings!
the scary huge penises!
the sorry Roger, you tiger now!
awe.some.
alis last blog post..because i’m the mom and i said so.
Domestic Extraordinaire
I have nothing to say…just laughing my arse off here.
Allison
Hahah! You are hilarious.
Allisons last blog post..The One Where I Admit I Love When My Son Is Sick
chasingjoy
Hmmm, maybe your penis and your vagina had a rendezvous, Rogah?
chasingjoys last blog post..What Am I Forgetting?
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Wow. Well, I certainly think you’re going to win the “Craziest Google Searches Evah” award. And attrack waaaay more pervs who Google “wenis”. Only now you’ll get the weirder pervs who call it a wenis.
And I gave you a lil linky lovin in my post today (plus it includes pics of my boys playing with the magic photo cube thingy you sent me):
http://mommyalwayswins.blogspot.com/2008/09/monday-morning-coffee-clutch-first.html
Twitter: mommy_wins
ilinap
I just wish I had a penis when I go to public bathrooms. Also, my husband jokes that I think I have a penis because I am such a trash talker.
Special K
Now I am thinking about sex and food…at the same time!!!!!!!!!! Gee, thanks Lotus, my husband is at work and has the car so NO GRATIFICATION HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Special Ks last blog post..It’s either feast or famine y’all
Ree
That’s the way my mind works – it starts here — and goes there — and then ends up someplace else entirely.
RebekahC
ROTFL Oh my gosh, I just discovered your blog, and I’m dying over here laughing. Definitely bookmarking you and just signed up for your e-mail feed. Woot to me!
Sticky
Hormones.
I chalk it all up to hormones. I’m ravenous within a week before Flo and the week of and after I could care less about food. It’s kind of scary because the hormones talk way louder than the rational thoughts and it makes it really easy to consume a gazillion calories!
I bet you get lots of traffic here now. Penis attracts all kinds ya know?
Stickys last blog post..You Got Something Better to Do?
Krista
And you KNOW we clicked on “How Babies Are Made” just to see what YOU would have said about it…
Tanya
Large ones make no difference. Its how you use it.
I have aunty flo on the way and I have been eating flat out as well. The really bad stuff like hot chips and icecream. Last night I snacked until late then this morning had a stomach ache.
But strange cravings? Cant help you there.
Sometimes your body is deficient in something so goes crazy and makes you eat until you get that certain something. If you eat healthy though it shouldn’t happen.
Lisa
A penis that reaches from CA to TN? Don’t know if I really want to see that LOL
Lisas last blog post..I’d rather be a 40 y/o virgin
Rachael
Um… Something might be wrong with me that I could not stop laughing at Rogah, you tigah now, and then I read it to my husband and he knew exactly what I was talking about too and we cracked up.
Rachaels last blog post..Movie Monday: The Women (suck)
Twitter: rachael1013
Elisa
Do you really think you have a penis? Oh wow. Maybe in a previous life. SO now I get to say it “Sorry Rojah, you tigah now”. Sorry Lotus, you girl now. No penis. And pass the cherries and pork sausage please. I’ll trade you for my eggs with chicken sausage and onion.
Elisas last blog post..Teaching responsibility
» Mutha Uckas.
[...] After being on hold for another insanely long amount of time, a man said, “How can I help you, Sir?” (Apparently the news has gotten around that I have a penis.) [...]
Tatiana
Try Ebay! I just bought a Canon Mark III and it is perfect! No shenanigans there! There are some shady ass camer businesses out there though. Put Lenses And More on your list of shit camera dealers to smother with dog diareah please! Ha . Thanks! I hope you get your camera.
-Tatiana
cj
HA HA HA HA AAAAH HA HA HA HA…!!!
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