Eating out.
Say those words to me and I will likely just *blink” and give you a look of, “Whaaaaaa?” We didn’t eat out much once Braden was born. A few times, we took him with us, snuggled into his carseat/carrier. But most of the time, we stayed at home, and this was due to the fact that we couldn’t afford restaurant food. If we could, we’d have done it constantly, because, Hello? Cooking on zero hours of sleep? Uh, how about no? And besides, we’re practically Professional Quality Gluttons. Facehole Cramming is our Xtreme Sport of choice, you could say. 
As Braden got older, money wasn’t the only thing stopping us from taking him out. Even once he got past his colic (a period I like to call “OH HOLY EFF”), I was nervous about how he would act. See, I was once that young and stupid (childless) asshole who got really pissed off when there was a screaming baby in the restaurant. So now, I intuit that perspective – I imagine all the people in the room who are going to be pissed off at me and my kid. And I translate that into how many people I’m going to have to admit, in front of judge and jury, to killing with my bare hands in a homicidal rage. You know, if they say anything. Or even make a face I interpret as displeasure aimed in our general direction. Killing so many and going to prison would be quite unfortunate. I would not make a good prison bitch. I’m too mouthy.
When Braden was about 6.5 months old, at the beginning of April 2007, we were living in an apartment, (*coughDUMPcough*) and our craptastic upstairs neighbors (including the Spawn of Mr. Ed, who I’ve mentioned here) moved out, and left the washer hookup faucet turned on, flooding their apartment and ours. The fix was to pull up our carpet, exposing all the dust, dirt, and fleek (a word I just made up for ‘unidentified disgusting crud’) lying beneath it, and direct a mega-powered-fan under the wet parts to dry them out. The result was that the air in our entire apartment got peppered with all the dirt that had ever settled into the carpet. Yummmmmm. So we got out of there and went out to dinner.
Braden was quite lovely, actually. The most eventful thing he did was try to eat the table.
And then barf on it.
Not long after that he continued to morph into a more mobile version of Hell Child, and once again, we avoided eating out. All he wanted to do was get.all.ovah.evah-thang. We held out. Until October.
That is when “The Long Horn Incident” occurred. We try not to remember The Incident. It is not spoken of around here. When it is clear that we are both thinking about it, we just exchange a look and shudder. And we hope that anyone at that Long Horn restaurant will try to forgive us, and that their nightmares are not recurring. THAT dinner became take-out as quickly as possible.
So, you might have thought us rather crazy when we decided to give it a go again on Tuesday night. But with John home for only 3 days, and me just really wanting to have a little fun… we decided to take a chance. And out we went for dinner.
Ruby Tuesdays was the target, er, eatery we chose. Close to our home in case we needed to get the hell out of dodge and home with hot food in a hurry. We entered with our Smiley Faces on and pretended like we thought it was going to be GREAT!
We got seated. Braden lunged for the salt and pepper, but I quickly distracted him with a toy truck. (Damn, I’m goooood.) That worked for about 2 seconds. So did the book, and the crayons, and the toy camera. So, if you do quick math, you will realize that he was good for all of 8 seconds into the event.
Then the screaming started. The Open Mouthed Red Faced Screaming Of Death To All.
And the thrashing. And gnashing of teeth.
Oh, and Braden was also causing a scene.
After a brief jaunt outside with him, John and Braden returned. There was one more screaming episode, which I somehow dampened with words like, “Oh my goodness, you’re loud, look at these beautiful crayons!” (And dude, I acted like they were THE most BEAUTIFUL crayons you have EVAH SEEN. He must have fallen for it.)
Then he was good. For the whole rest of the meal! Astonished were we! We couldn’t even say it out loud, though we almost did several times. Then we’d stop cold, laugh, and knock on the table.
People, it was magnificent. I ate a whole meal at a restaurant, it was delicious, and my son wasn’t such a turdface that we had to leave.
Shit, I might not need therapy after all!
Oh yeah, I posted a video of myself pulling my pants down on The Internet yesterday.
Nevermind.
#1 by Jhane on August 7, 2008 - 12:23 AM
Ha.Ha. I have a Boog that is about the same age. Why are they switched on HIGH all the time?
Jhanes last blog post..Cable wristwarmers
#2 by Suzanne on August 7, 2008 - 12:28 AM
Woohoo! You got to eat food that other people cooked! You don’t have to clean the kitchen? Awesome!
Braden, you rock, dude!
Suzannes last blog post..What’s For Dinner Wednesday
#3 by Dani on August 7, 2008 - 12:32 AM
Isn’t eating your food while it’s still WARM the best thing EVAH?!
Danis last blog post..What I haven’t blogged about
#4 by missy wiggins on August 7, 2008 - 12:42 AM
I dread eating out with all three of my kids! Thanks to the screwed up economy I don’t have to!
missy wigginss last blog post..Less Words Wednesday
#5 by twingly25 on August 7, 2008 - 1:01 AM
Congrats on making it through a dinner out. I have a monster that is about the same age, and OMG I will NEVER take him to a restaurant until he is……hmmm maybe never again!! Not sure I want to let him out of the house sometimes. Case and point, Sunday the kids and I went to church and I had to take the little monster with me into the service (longer story why), During the singing he was great because everyone was loud, but as soon as it was quit, it was time for him to yell his thoughts at the top of his lungs. Took him out of there a couple times, then an angel sitting in the row with me gave him smarties candy, of which he loves and will eat very slowly, he was then quit the rest for the service, it took 6 packets, but the sugar rush after was well worth the feeling of wanting to crawl under the pew and cry.
#6 by Jenn on August 7, 2008 - 1:14 AM
I’m glad you got to eat out! Hooray for that.
And that pulling your pants down episode is awesome.
Jenns last blog post..Bernie and Phyl’s, I hate you
#7 by Jeremy (Discovering Dad) on August 7, 2008 - 1:25 AM
I am so jealous! I haven’t been able to eat a meal out without a complete meltdown in a year now. The only way to make it through the meal for us is to order ice cream! Can’t wait for the good eater to show up.
#8 by river on August 7, 2008 - 1:39 AM
This is fantastic news! Braden obviously realises that eating out is good for all concerned. You may never have to cook again. However you may have to take out second, third, even fourth mortgages to cover the cost of meals.
I’m not going to look at the “pants down” video. I’m too jealous. I used to be able to do that. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I can do it again.
#9 by Veronica on August 7, 2008 - 5:14 AM
I am still too scared to eat out. Amy is just too active with her ‘I am wanna get DOWN NOW’ [insert whiney scream here]
Plus I? Am a sook.
Veronicas last blog post..Coffee
#10 by calicobebop on August 7, 2008 - 6:01 AM
I love the picture of him zoning out on table munchies. Absolutely adorable!
calicobebops last blog post..Push Down For What You Belive In
#11 by AnnD on August 7, 2008 - 6:34 AM
You are so witty! I wish I could write like that! I also loved the barf on the table photo!
AnnDs last blog post..Visit these blogs!
#12 by lceel on August 7, 2008 - 6:49 AM
My sons are 26, 24 and 17. I STILL dread eating out with them. Although, iti sn’t so bad since the 24 year old got married, because his wife, Bitsy (SWMBO,Jr) does manage to keep the boy under control. Now, if I could just marry off the other two.
lceels last blog post..Two Years Earlier …
#13 by Shannon on August 7, 2008 - 6:50 AM
I have often felt the same way, worrying that other people were judging me pr that my kids were disrupting other people’s dinners. I’ve come to the point that I’ve decided to accept that my kids aren’t always going to be perfect. But if I am in a “Family Restaurant” and if I am trying my best to keep them under control and they aren’t running around the restaurant screaming like little demons, then I need to relax. Most people don’t notice or at least don’t care. If they do, they are the ones who should be choosing to dine in places that aren’t family-oriented. It’s a give and take scenario. Parents have a responsibility to do what they can and other diners need to get a little hard of hearing.
Shannons last blog post..the motherguilt birthday cake
#14 by Colleen - Mommy Always Wins on August 7, 2008 - 8:20 AM
Congrats on hitting the big milestone (cuz you know, this is right up there with, like, cutting his first tooth).
Here’s hoping you many more nights out of restaurant food happiness!
#15 by tenakim on August 7, 2008 - 8:25 AM
From a fellow Professional Quality Glutton (love that and am totally stealing it)- I’ve learned that practice makes perfect- now 13,9, 7 & 3- we have always had people come up and say how well behaved my kids are in restaurants- they know better than to get between mom and a hot meal that she’s paying for!
#16 by Tracie on August 7, 2008 - 8:33 AM
I was that girl too that used to get mad at parents whose kids were screaming in restaurants, but we’ve been eating out periodically with our kids since they were born. It was not a problem with our first. She was a doll, but our second….colicky, grumpy, whiny…you get the picture. We just stuck it out and now he’s a delight to eat out with. He’ll be 2 this month and although he’s not always well behaved, he’s getting better. I’m glad you got to enjoy some time out with your family! The good thing is that it mostly gets easier and easier.
By the way, I watched the video of Braden throwing a tantrum the other day and thought you had videotaped my son. Don’t you love it!?
Tracies last blog post..Beach Beauty
#17 by Anne on August 7, 2008 - 8:39 AM
As a young and stupid (childless) asshole who is admittedly bothered by the sound of a person of any age screaming, I am curious about your comment about wanting to kill anyone who even looks annoyed by your son screaming. I understand the logic of “kids will be kids” and that parents have to cope with far greater difficulties than an interrupted meal, but I still feel like your comment is rather strongly worded. Why does the reaction of the childless make you so angry?
#18 by Deb on August 7, 2008 - 9:20 AM
Congratulations. You have reached two important milestones…
1. Being able to eat out in a restaurant with a kid.
2. Pulling down your pants on the internet!
Cross them off the list!
Btw- did you have to film that more than once so that you didn’t flash us? Just curious.
Debs last blog post..R.I.P. Hermie
#19 by MommyCosm on August 7, 2008 - 9:31 AM
My husband used to build restaurants, so we’ve taken our kids at least once a week since Princess was a baby. It was free for us when he worked there…I miss that.
Some days they are fabulous, others we have to leave with them. They definitely know the difference between being in public and eating at home. I think it’s great for learning manners. I don’t fear taking them to a wedding or dress up party because they already know how to behave well in public.
As a parent, you did all the right things: distract, remove if necessary, and try to enjoy the experience.
It’s the Asshat parents that let their spawn run around unsupervised and/or scream uncontrollably while Mommy drinks her margarita…those are the ones I can’t stand.
MommyCosms last blog post..Blogger blog comment question
#20 by Sarah on August 7, 2008 - 9:42 AM
Oh we used to go through Hell every time we took Riley out! I think it was too overstimulating for her poor little brain or something. Archie would bring her to Bob Evans (where I worked) and sit down w/ her…and within five minutes we were at the screaming banshee gates of hell! *lol* We stopped going out, too…but we also decided to nervously attempt this again recently…and also found success!! Hooray for freedom in eating again!!
#21 by Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas on August 7, 2008 - 10:14 AM
OMG the two pictures in the middle just kill me! Hilarious-er than usual!
Bear is always SO good. But of course I’ve now had to compose a yet-to-publish post about his first genuine HISSY in a restaurant – with my boss and executives from my company. Yep.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Dear Delta Airlines
#22 by Miss Britt on August 7, 2008 - 10:26 AM
And you didn’t use duct tape? At all? Not even, like, for threatening purposes?
That is awesome.
Miss Britts last blog post..Did I Ever Tell You About The Time Jared Peed All Over?
#23 by Lynette on August 7, 2008 - 10:29 AM
I remember those days. Now, I have a kid who wants to eat EVERYTHING on the menu. Darn those teen-aged boys.
Lynettes last blog post..I’m guilty…
#24 by Queen of Shake Shake on August 7, 2008 - 11:12 AM
Lucky you.
We couldn’t go out to eat anywhere without a play ground for 4 frickin years.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..It’s True – The Turdlet Doesn’t Fall Far From the Ass
#25 by MissMelissa on August 7, 2008 - 12:10 PM
LOL I remember well. I still worry about how my brood will act in a restaurant. Hell any place really. I loved your thoughts on the childless people, I SO agree! When I bring my brood to a restaurant or a store my kids get the good talking to before even entering and while inside they’ve been threatened with having fingers removed from their bodies if they hit each other or grab at things off the shelves, etc. The looks I get are priceless. I whip my head over to the onlooker(s) and say something like “Do you think that’s suitable punishment for their behavior”? I get nasty looks and they usually storm off in disgust. Haha. Is it wrong that I love the reaction of these people?.
#26 by Laurie, thewayitis on August 7, 2008 - 12:51 PM
I had a similar experience when my oldest was 20 months, but it was the blessed sugar packet container that settled her.
The entire conversation between me and my husband was telepathic “Oh my God, we’re eating at a restaurant, she’s not screaming, she’s playing, look at us, look at us!”
We even ordered dessert, and I’m not even kidding.
Good times . . .
Laurie, thewayitiss last blog post..Toddlers: Dysfunctional Hobbits
#27 by chasingjoy on August 7, 2008 - 1:35 PM
Barf on the table! SCORE!
chasingjoys last blog post..Did You Follow Baby Borrowers on NBC?
#28 by Michelle on August 7, 2008 - 1:39 PM
Awesome!
I always feel bad for parents who can’t eat out. We’ve been blessed with a child who has never had to be removed from a restaurant (I am not bragging and please note I am knocking on wood as I type this – we are just lucky). I fully expect #2 will remedy this and proceed to throw a fit every time we try to eat out because we do so love to not have to cook.
Michelles last blog post..Coming soon: More words
#29 by Sammanthia on August 7, 2008 - 2:24 PM
You lucky girl… I can’t take mine to restaurants either.
The oldest is 12
Sammanthias last blog post..I’d Like To Thank The Academy
#30 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 7, 2008 - 2:41 PM
Anne,
This is just my style of humor, really. I think maybe you didn’t get it, or are taking my words too seriously. I make jokes like this often. I’ve tried naming the website in such a way as to warn people.
I speak in extremes, because I find it amusing – that’s my sense of humor – a little sarcasm a lot of snark, a healthy dose of “crazy” and some exaggeration. Maybe that just hit a nerve with you on something you’re a bit sensitive about, since you do get annoyed at people’s kids? Not sure. I wasn’t trying to be offensive, I can assure you.
I’m not really that angry about it… more to the point was how nervous I am about how MY kid is going to act in a restaurant because I know that it disturbs others – I even admitted to being disturbed by it. Experience often gives you perspective, though, and I am less disturbed by other people’s children now that I have more understanding of the situation, whether I am out with my family, or alone.
I was incredibly nervous trying this the other night. I have not gotten to sit down at a table in a restaurant with my husband to share a nice meal that I didn’t cook in almost a year. I’d have surely been sorry if my son had disturbed anyone. At the same time, I’d have hoped they could try to see past the end of their own noses, too.
#31 by Jessica (aka Rose from It's my life...) on August 7, 2008 - 3:00 PM
LOVE the barf on the table picture. He almost looks drunk in that shot. It’s perfect.
Also, I hate to admit this, because I have kids and all… but I still don’t enjoy the screaming of other people’s kids in restaurants. But I don’t roll my eyes any more and I never comment. Does that make me a horrible person?
Jessica (aka Rose from It’s my life…)s last blog post..Tired mommies are not patient mommies.
#32 by Elisa on August 7, 2008 - 3:01 PM
Oh, hey, are those magic crayons or something? Do they hypnotize them, mesmerize them, what? How do they work? ’cause I’m going to need some.
Awesome photos BTW. He’s one handsome boy, even when he’s barfing.
#33 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 7, 2008 - 3:22 PM
Jessica,
Oh, I don’t think it would be normal for anyone to actually enjoy the screaming! I don’t like hearing kids scream either, or see them running amuck acting like monkeys. But I have a better understanding, now… and I think the biggest thing is if the parents are actually trying to maintain order, well, I can respect the whole situation and just zone it out.
Of course you’re not a horrible person.
#34 by Cecily on August 7, 2008 - 3:33 PM
Fleek is my new favorite word.
Here’s my admission. There is a part of me that revels in someone else’s kid screaming at a restaurants. A)Its not my kid and B)my kid isn’t the only one.
Cecilys last blog post..Books and Practicing with String Beans
#35 by missy wiggins on August 7, 2008 - 4:47 PM
I have experienced “LOOKS” from people in places like Denny’s where you would think that my kid crying for a few seconds is sucking the oxygen out of the room. I think if you go out to PUBLIC place to eat then be prepared for PUBLIC sounds, like babies and toddlers. I think you worded it just fine. I will never forget the lady who plugged her ears because my baby was laughing too loud. I wanted to slap her with a french fry!
If it were a movie or a piano concert I would understand getting looks but a restaurant?
missy wigginss last blog post..I was Gonna do Thursday 13 but…
#36 by Redneck Mommy on August 7, 2008 - 6:08 PM
I’ve been subjected to the looks. Hard not to when you pack in three little albinos, one who liked to roll his eyes into the back of his head and drool like a maniac. Goood times.
I’m glad you guys enjoyed your time out. Now keep up the good work and soon you will have a restaurant savant. You’ll see.
#37 by Jennifer A on August 7, 2008 - 6:33 PM
Yeah, eating out is a challenge, with our son it has to be somewhere he wants to go and he has to be really hungry. And when he’s done, be prepared to LEAVE, NOW!
Jennifer As last blog post..Things don’t always go as planned
#38 by Cassandra Rae on August 7, 2008 - 8:21 PM
Yay! I’m jumping up and down pulling my pants down and up, down and up in celebration for you…and every body else at your target eatery :~)
Cassandra Raes last blog post..Feel Like Giving Up?
#39 by Tranny Head on August 7, 2008 - 9:33 PM
My little family went on vacation last week and we tried for this totally hawt waterfront restaurant where we were going to eat outside on the water and it was going to be all fab … until my son started mashing food into his ear and beating himself in the balls.
Hawt!
Tranny Heads last blog post..Proof That Karma Is Just as Snarky As I and That She Plays Dirty
#40 by Anne L. on August 7, 2008 - 10:05 PM
HAA. Our first argument was over whether or not to take our 4 month old daughter out to a restaurant/bar. I DID NOT WANT to, but I gave in. It was a large-ish gathering of family in town for a visit who just HAD to see her, but could only meet for dinner that night. At a restaurant. After being crammed into a carseat and passed from aunt to cousin to grandma etc, a scream-fest ensued that silenced the whole place. I ended up winning that argument, in the end.
#41 by Tanya on August 7, 2008 - 10:36 PM
thats awesome!
that last pic of Braden shows how much he has grown lately, he looks so much older!
#42 by beautifulmess on August 7, 2008 - 11:04 PM
You mean there’s hope?!!? My munch is turning 2 Monday and we can’t take her anywhere without a fit being thrown at some point. It’s embarassing…especially when the hub decides to start acting like an ass too…makes me want to crawl under the table with munch. So needless to say, we opt for take out 99% of the time.
Good to know there *may* be a light at the end of this tunnell…
beautifulmesss last blog post..the hardest button to button
#43 by Raging Dad on August 8, 2008 - 12:59 AM
Ah, out for dinner. We recently went out and Michael (3 yo) declared, rather loudly, “Dad. Some boys have hair on their bums.” Had to slink out after that one…
#44 by KAT on August 8, 2008 - 1:08 AM
We’ve been super lucky in the restaurant department. Until recently, that is.
Completely with you on cooking on 0 hours of sleep. Its not fun.
But the real thing I wanted to say was, it took me having a baby of my own to find out what a stupid, critical know-nothing bitch I used to be. I couldn’t believe how mean it was of me to get irritated with people who had kids. How dare they bring their beloved offspring, the hopeful future of our dreary world, into close contact with ME? Really, didn’t they have, like… a SECTION for these people?
Ha. I was dumb. Now I like to give understanding nods and smiles to the harassed moms who are paranoid that everyone hates them. It means a lot when another mom gives me that kind understanding. Not EVERYONE hates us after all!
KATs last blog post..I’ll take wine over whine…any day.
#45 by imaginary binky on August 8, 2008 - 2:04 AM
Personally, I like to take a machete with me to a restaurant to hack down anyone who even looks at Amos, much less notices that he might make a noise.
Oh, wait. Was that too harsh?
Hehehehe.
Bhoooooot!
imaginary binkys last blog post..Comedy is now defined as "morose"
#46 by stephanie on August 8, 2008 - 11:43 AM
Ok, then there’s stupid and childless me, who really wants to have kids, notices every baby/child in the restaurant, waves at them, and thinks they’re adorable even if they’re pitching a fit. (C’mon, you know it’s sometimes cute when it’s not your kid!) I smile at the parents too. But they don’t usually smile back. They give me this look that I think means “I know my kid is loud, OK?! Cut me some slack here!!!!” Or maybe it’s “Why are you smiling? You’re not a baby snatcher are you? On second thought, I’ll look away and if the screaming child disappears…”
Anyway, when you’re eating out or shopping or whatever and people are staring at Braden, maybe some of them are thinking what a cutie he is. Maybe they’re hoping to have a little cutie of their own someday. Or maybe they miss their kids being that little. Ya never know.
#47 by Summer on August 8, 2008 - 5:06 PM
We’ve got a screamer/wanderer. Unless I duct tape him down he likes to visit everyone at other tables and sample their food. I swear, you look away for one second to get a napkin…
Summers last blog post..Televised Stereotypes and My Kids
#48 by Tootsie Farklepants on August 9, 2008 - 12:50 AM
The pic with the barf just screams one too many margaritas!
Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..I Should Have Worn My Blog Header Around My Neck for Emphasis
#49 by Missives From Suburbia on August 9, 2008 - 10:22 PM
Hm. My friends with kids always stare wistfully at our son when we’re in restaurants together and say things like, “You have no idea how lucky you are.” I just figured they were being nice. Now you’re making me wonder if we really got lucky with our first one and WHY we decided to have a second one!
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..Totally Inappropriate Olympics Commentary
#50 by chasingjoy on August 10, 2008 - 10:55 AM
I am totally with you Missives. Jensen is great in public. He lets out an occasional screech that could cause an unsuspecting patron to choke but for the most part he just flirts with anyone that waves at him and offers them his food.
The more I realize how lucky I am the more I worry about what # 2 (due in a few weeks) holds in store.
chasingjoys last blog post..16 Months Old Today
#51 by Warren on January 28, 2010 - 11:48 AM
oh man, the photo of your son chewing (and drooling) on the table is priceless! I really hope you frame this and show it to him when he’s a teen.
Warren´s last blog ..Natural Remedies for Colic in Infants