I shall have her back again.
Emotionally, I’
m flighty, prone to daydream. Victim to whim, impulsive. Gripped by a
logical mind but owned by a heart that believes in magic,
fiercely. Taken to believing in miracles. Wanting to see
past the black and white edges of things, searching for
the blur. I am between the lines, but not inside of the
box. If you look deep enough, you will see me peeking
back at you. When the wind blows, my body is fixed, but
my dreaming soul is caught easily, and stirred in that
direction. Moved by the ethereal, I often close my eyes
and imagine I can feel things that don’t touch me, hear
things that make no sound, and taste things depending
on their color.
This is the part of me that is squelched more and more nowadays. This is the nimble of spirit little nymph caught in the net of the goblin called Everyday Life As A Mother. I find myself thinking nothing but rational thoughts all day long, being practical over and over again until the day has gone and I had no time to even appreciate its beauty. I find myself lingering on the fantastic less and less until it’s hard to remember the person who used to do so with such ease it was as second nature as breathing.
Once upon a time, I regularly dreamed of flying because I fantasized about it daily. What would it be like, with the wind in your hair and no traffic to slow you or physical law to bind your body to the earth? It would have to be the ultimate liberation to lift off from the terra by will, to fly for real, instead of being trapped against the hard surface of the earth, unable to soar without mechanization. What the soul knows the body yearns to hold; longs to savor.
I bathed in the moonlight. I sat, wrapped in the glow, lost in my thoughts. I shared company with it – just me and Mr. Moon, white fire in the sky. Have you ever been alone under the moon, in a place where it is otherwise quiet and dark? I challenge you to isolate yourself thusly, and stare up into that great, white orb, inviting it to open itself to you. I dare you not to feel the beauty of its presence, not to sense the magic of it.
Thunder and lightening are thrilling… like musical theatre, they beg a rapt audience. How is it that any of us carry on with dull and dreary chores and errands while this is to be seen and heard? I used to celebrate such a show, no matter the time of day or night. When did sleep become more important? To be shamed.
And a rainstorm with no lightning… well that is clearly meant to be played in. Not hurried past or hidden from, not feared or hated or cause for curse. There was a time when I went outside on purpose when it was raining. My wet, dripping locks would sway and slap at my neck as I twirled, dancing in the rain. My muddy toes skipped under and past wet leaves as each saturated blade of grass tickled my soles for a second before I brushed past and onward. The smile never left my face.
I’m reflecting quite often, lately, on this person that I miss. Life happened, it crept up on her over time, and drew her away, so slowly that I didn’t even realize she was gone before she had been absent for too long.
I shall have her back.
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seven
Lotus, that’s beautiful.
Thursday's Child
So, in other words, you grew up?
Poor lotus, stuck with the fate of Wendy and her brothers, unable to keep the whimsy of Peter Pan and Never Never Land.
Really, though, ‘s a pretty piece of prose. I’ve a few critiques if you’re interested.
Loralee
There are days I look around and go “How the HELL did I get here, again?”
My youngest is 9 and slowly over the past two years, I have been making a return to the person I recognize.
It’s nice to feel familiar in my own skin again.
Loralees last blog post..Pretty is as pretty does. Unless you are Whoorl. Then you can stick a McDonalds hat on your head and STILL look freaking gorgeous.
Rachael
Somehow, in all of your posts about Braden and your life and blogworld, I could always see part of this person inside of you. I believe you WILL have her back. Beautiful.
Rachaels last blog post..Haiku Friday: A Burning Mess
Twitter: rachael1013
TX Poppet
Wow. This is amazingly beautiful.
TX Poppets last blog post..Impressions
Redneck Mommy
Every night, I sit on my deck and watch the trees gently sway in the breeze and observe the magical night sky.
There is nothing closer to heaven than the night sky.
I’m glad you take the time to touch the moon, my friend.
Braden will be a better boy for having you as his mother.
I love you, Lotus.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..Joy
Twitter: talesfromtyahoo.ca
Mr Lady
You know what the best thing about you is? That you know who you are. That you dig yourself. That’s why I dig you, too.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Reality Checks are Awfully Hard to Cash
Sleeping Mommy
Lotus, you could be describing who I used to be. Many times I would seek out a dock on a lake on a full moon night. I would just sit and let the water lap against the dock, causing it to sway gently on the waves. And I would soak up the moon.
I played in the rain too. Relished in the thunder and lightening.
These days? Not so much. I grew up. I’ll never be that girl again. That young woman, naive and full of dreams. Life and reality hit hard and now I’m older and wiser. I can still appreciate magic though, the moments are rarer now. And that much more special.
Charelscolp
That was one of the most awesome prosaic posts I have seen in a while. I don’t feel that it is as much about growing up as it is about falling into a routine. Routines are comfortable but they are what slowly kills our souls. I have fought very hard to keep myself as I should be. My wife is super woman and she has helped me still enjoy life while she works on the same stuff. Best writing I have read in a while.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)
Seems easy to get lost when a little person (people) need so much of you (us). I find that the things I used to discover about myself is now discovered by looking at my kids. It’s neat to see wonderful pieces of me in each of them. As you said though, I do miss things that were special to me – unique to my persona, which existed prior to life as a parent. Over time, I’ve reclaimed some of those things, and it has become easier to find the wonderful in the mundane routines of life the longer and better I live it. Thanks for sharing Lotus! Your passion for life is contagious
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Spotlight on Dads – Bill Heaton
Sandi
I just found your blog from twitter. This is a lovely post. For me it really has been hard to remain playful while parenting but the times I throw practicallity out the window we have so much fun. My kids are still rather young so we won’t be ditching our routine anytime soon but thank you for the reminder to play.
Zoeyjane
I understand and agree with what you’re saying.
Sometimes it seems that person is so far away from who I am now that I can’t even remember a time when I had an imagination.
But then a huge rain storm will hit and I’ll take Isobel outside to jump in all of the puddles. Then we come in the door with soggy everything and smiles on our faces, and have a bubble bath while drinking hot chocolate.
That’s when I remember that I can be those two people at once, really.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..You’ll just have to wait.
Lilacspecs
Lovely, lovely sentiments. More people should go dance in the rain.
(I used to do it too…I still walk home in the rain without an umbrella sometimes, just because I like it)
Lilacspecss last blog post..Haiku Friday – Calienté
RiceWenchie
Sigh, I fly in my dreams at least a couple of times a week…
It is beautiful! You are beautiful! What a wonderful mind you have…
Veronica
Last night, I came to much the same conclusion as you have here. I am sick of letting what I want go by the wayside. I am sick of making concessions to everyone else and not getting a thing back. I am sick of feeling like what I want is being dismissed.
I want my other person back too.
Veronicas last blog post..How To Make Bread With A Toddler
RiceWenchie
Here, here, Veronica!
RiceWenchie
Here, here, Veronica!
RiceWenchies last blog post..Being trans-parent…
Patsy Bain
What beauty in the written word. You have given me food for thought. I miss that *little girl* in me too. I know that even at 60 she is still there and I want to dream again to be excited with everything around me again — to see and experience the beauty of life again. Be gone with the pratical and embrace the imagination. To look at the clouds and find the monsters, and trains, and elephants. Thank you for touching me.
Patsy Bains last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #5
The Laundress ~JJ!
Oh my goodness…You have her always…she just needs to peek out from around the corner again…
Beautiful Lotus, absolutely beautiful!
The Laundress ~JJ!s last blog post..How we fell in love….part three. Haiku Scouting.
Malia
Lotus, she’s not gone. She is you and you are her. You can only be separated if you forget her, which have not. And she still fits and belongs in the life you have now, it’s only up to you to find where.
Malias last blog post..Obama is No Economist
Twingly
That was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I have also loved thunder and lighting, and must be outside watching it when it comes to town. Another one of my favorite things to do is stare at the star and wish that I could be one of them.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Zoeyjane,
Really excellent point. I’m still very silly and carefree with Braden, don’t get me wrong. I think what I’m missing a little more is the freedom of mind to be that way continuously, on my own ground, in my own space. Know what I mean?
Good example: just yesterday, I got the notion that I really wanted to hear an old CD I hadn’t listened to in a long time. I dug it out while Braden was having his afternoon snack, realizing while I did it, just how long it’s been since I’ve listened to/watched ANYTHING during the day that wasn’t Sesame Street or Bob the Effin’ Builder.
I put the CD on. Braden started whining. I tried dancing with him, but he was only momentarily interested and then went back to whining, which escalated into shrieking. He didn’t want that music on. He wanted one of his dumb videos on.
I just start to feel a little like a slave. And I don’t mean this to sound like I don’t love my son. Generally, I get along and such. There are just moments where I think my head is going to pop off if I have to make one more decision where I’m burying what I would like in order to please someone else.
Wow. That was long….
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Veronica,
You clearly got the message I was trying to convey! Oy, what will we do with ourselves!?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Malia,
Thank you! That was a good point, one that I sometimes forget, too. I guess I’m just feeling very heavily drudged right now, with John gone, and Braden in such a very demanding phase. I have to remember to keep looking through this tunnel I’m stuck in, and see the light at the other side trying to push through!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Allie
Thank you for writing that post. After sleeping for a 1/2 hour last night, doing the dishes at 5am, the laundry, at 6am, a 19 month old that is adapting to a new brother, the 5 week old (is a pig) and wants to eat every two hours, my husband literally had to pull the baby out of my arms because I thought I was going to die right on the sofa. I am outside now and I am trying to listen to the birds sing and the bugs chirp, but all I hear is the crying on the other side of the door. And when I think I cannot go on, I read this post. So thank you, I am going to get up and go inside now – but at least I know I’m not alone.
Allies last blog post..Mothers, Friends, and Dogs
Sol
This is really great. I understand these emotions very well. I just came across your site and am always happy to find other exciting parenting blogs. I humbly invite you to check out my site, badassdad.com, and see what we’re up to over there.
You’ve got a new subscriber.
Fianna
I posted a something a little close to this today as well. Moving on up. It was tough for the Jeffersons, too.
Somedays, I wish I could get the old me back, others are glad that I am now somewhere in between the old and, well, getting old. Today, I am just not sure.
Great writing, really enjoyed it.
Fiannas last blog post..The Sweet In Between
Eve
Unfortunately as we get older most of us lose that bit of whimsy in our souls – or tuck it away for a more convenient time. Once in awhile it will demand you let it out and then you find yourself playing in the rain with your children, or screaming to provide background noise for fireworks that are too quiet on their own. The trick is to learn to be comfortable in both modes – don’t entirely lose that little girl and don’t mourn because she is not always in charge. Celebrate both aspects of your soul.
Eves last blog post..Clouds – Photo Hunt
Just Jinny
It happens to the very best of us, with or without a little person in our care. I live in a child-less household and as I creep closer to 30 I feel the weight of being ‘grown up’ heavy on my shoulders. In my mind, I catch the phrase ‘it really sucks being a grown up’ rolling around a lot.
I walk home from work every day and if rain is threatening I often have concerned co-workers ask about how I am to get home. I tell them, ‘I’m just going to walk..it’s rain..not acid. I’ll be fine’. I try hard to keep grasp of the simple pleasures. Listening to the thunder rumble, seeing the wind rustle the branches on my other-wise quiet street, feeling the sun warm my skin as I sit on the back porch and read a book, admiring a budding leaf on my maple tree.
I often get overwhelmed with the thought that this is NOT where I am suppose to be and this is NOT what I am suppose to be doing. It makes it very hard to get out of bed in the morning to go to work..again..for another day. But, I AM here..and this IS what I am doing right now so I have to make the very best of it while still keeping my sanity.
Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out too.
Just Jinnys last blog post..All the worlds a stage..
Daddy Joe
Great post. I think about this a lot too. I know that it is very difficult for mothers since they are required to be “on” all the time. Sounds like you need make some time to act young and carefree again.
Jennifer S^N
Hard to type with new baby sleeping on lap…and pump on bewb…lol….but I must….you’ve been on my mind and I love your idea about the REALLY honest blog…..I type posts out in my head all day long…..I want to be real and be me….and stop pleasing all the people in my life who want me to someone other than me….I so desperately want to tell the world while I dance in the rain…..I love my girls very much that is never the question……I am so tired of doing the right thing all the time…..laundry, home cooked meals, big garden, clean house… I WANT TO DANCE IN THE RAIN…….I want to look in the mirror and reflect the strong amazing creative accomplished woman that I am underneath all the daily tasks that weigh heavily on me…..Perfection is f%?&* overrated.
Lotus, you are amazing…..I admire your strength. Thanks for being real…..you inspire me to do the same!
Jennifer S^Ns last blog post..Blast from the past….
chasingjoy
I think we are in the middle of the practical days with our little toddler monsters. They’re so much fun but dreaming for us means we’re not watching and we both know what happens when we aren’t watching (and sometimes when we are).
The dreaming days will come back though. I believe it for all of us. Best of all, we’re going to be dreaming WITH these little guys and they will teach us what dreaming is really all about!
chasingjoys last blog post..Pregnasia Sucks Ass!!!
Jamie
I love this post so much. I think we can all relate to losing a bit of ourselves each year as we age. The childrearing phase, when our children are so young and demanding, can sometimes feel as if the life of us is being sucked away. I know as I approach 40 I constantly wonder, “What am I doing? Is it going to get easier or better?’ I’ve been in a touch of a funk lately and and realizing how much I have changed over the past 20 years since my husband and I first met in high school. A lot of that change I DON’T like.
Hang on to that inner child and celebrate her. Don’t stifle her…it’s a balancing act, that’s for sure. I think we should all strive to do the same! Thanks for the reminder Lotus!
Jamies last blog post..Someone Call The Fashion Police
Angel Smith
I swear it gets better, when they aren’t so needy, and we have more of ourselves to ourselves.
Anyway, you made me think of my favorite song: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2398944807334640510
Angel Smiths last blog post..Speaking of imperfect parents….
GDhuyvetter
Lotus,
Thanks so much for twittering about this entry. I enjoyed it while I was reading it, and the meditation it inspired afterward.
If I have to put in my two cents, I think the metaphor of evolution is key here. The fish coming out of the lake did not lose it’s “fishness” (fish memory?), but it adapted that into a new environment.
In the same way I think that our challenge is to develop the adaptations necessary for our current environment so that the strengths of the past can infuse the present.
As I read your blog, I am seeing that you are learning how to fly, not by turning back the clock, but through your fearless journey of discovery.
Thanks, and good luck with your ongoing evolution!
Ree
My solution is to take my coffee in the morning, sit on my front porch, and see what my garden has given me that morning.
It’s the small oasis of peace in my life.
Rees last blog post..August? Huh?
blogversary
I used to have lots of dreams of flying.
I appreciate your rain paragraph. Recently, on rainy day I let my daughter play a little in the rain and splash in puddles.
blogversarys last blog post..help a sista or two out
jen
i am so glad i’ve found your blog when i did.
jens last blog post..good things
Tara R
I just read this post today and I sent you a little email that I think you might enjoy
Tara Rs last blog post..Men Beware
*pixie*
Yep. Something like my post from the other day. 2008 must be a really big year for the world—changing/reflecting/growing.
it’s time I gave a shit
*pixie*s last blog post..weekly winners: july 27–august 2
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ali
beautiful!
alis last blog post..a summer bonus. and i don’t know how to be single.
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