I will totally burn the bag. Try me.
- At July 28, 2009
- By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
- In Blogging Stuff, Humor, My Son, Rant
25
The Blogher 09 Conference Weekend is over. I flew home on Sunday, to an empty house. My son was elsewhere, and I was going to have to fly the next day to get to him. My husband was still making his way across the country back to our home from his most recent gig.
Being in the house all alone after the Blogher09 weekend was seriously weird. My family wasn’t there, and yet? There were also no head-splitting squees to make my ears bleed, no free drinks being shoved into my hand, and no one at all was smacking my ass. There weren’t even oodles of women photographing themselves kissing one another.
I was really not at Blogher09 anymore. Wow.
I know some of you are waiting to hear what I thought about the conference. That will come, but not just yet. I have some things to process… I have a mixed bag of feelings. I will tell you that there were fabulous times and there were also definitely not so fabulous times. I’ll try to find time soon to talk a bit about it – bear with me as I’m away from home right now.
On Monday, I flew to where my son was being cared for while I was in Chicago. After getting myself situated, I sat on the airplane which would take me half of the way to see my son again, waiting for it to take off. I was relaxed, with my head back and eyes closed, just waiting.
That’s when it happened.
A female passenger in the row directly in front of mine let everyone know that she does not, in fact, have a brain in her head. Or perhaps just enough of one to drive her life-sustaining organs and physical movements.
But forget rational thought.
The hobag was spraying perfume. On an airplane. A lot of it.
Um. No.
As what seemed to be every molecule of perfume in a full bottle flew right up my nose, my eyes snapped open. I glowered at the back of her seat, thinking, “Really? No, really?” and “I wonder if they kick a person off a plane for strangling another passenger while intermittently beating them with their own bottle of perfume.” And when the mental answer I gave myself to the latter question was “Uh, probably.” I continued by asking myself, “So, do you think you could get away with just cramming it up her ass?”
I told me that this was, most likely, also a bad idea. I am such drag.
Yes. I am volatile inside my mind. As anyone who has can tell you, though, I’m just a peach when you meet me. *wink*
But there I sat, willing the back of her seat to explode, taking her head with it.
I’m sensitive to smelly things. As the perfume invaded my nasal membranes and infested my brain, the physical symptoms began.
First the intense disgust and nausea set in. And look, if my stomach is going to be doing the “oh baby, we might need immediate evacuation” dance, I better have at least had a full night of partying like it was 1999 (perhaps even in close proximity to a unicorn shaped confectionary item?) while drinking 7x my body weight in liquor and passing out in places other than my own hotel room. (Thereby worrying a large number of people who end up wondering if I am dead, kidnapped, or sitting in jail with a black eye and ripped fishnets.) *coughcoughbloghercough*
Not that I’ve ever been in such a situation, mind you. *COUGH* But, you know, I’m just sayin.
After about 10 minutes of feeling like I was going to puke the puke of outrageous proportions (while repeatedly, mentally ripping the skin off perfume bitch’s face and then making her eat it) the nausea subsided.
Then the sinus headache began.
Ohhhh, the glory of the in-flight sinus headache.
While I willed that to go away, the pressure in my head sang to my internal thoughts, driving them into ever more violent imaginings of how the perfume bitch needed to be punished.
I’m all better now, though, so I’ll just say that there’s a job waiting for her at a Perfume Counter in Hell, but if I ever see her on a flight again, I will grab her carry-on and restrict her access from it. Forever. Because I am going to burn it.
Possibly while she’s crammed inside of it.
Of course all of this and more is worth enduring to see my son again. As I wrote this, I was almost halfway there.
I’d be willing to snort 10 perfume factories and be beaten with a million raw fishheads just to get back to my boy.
I only want to cram him inside a suitcase every once in awhile.
25 comments
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Krista
That sounds like the flight from hell. Oy! I’m highly sensitive to scents as well… ugh, I’m feeling for you!
I hope you love on your little boy lots though!
.-= Krista´s last blog ..Book: Blue Like Play Dough =-.
Suzanne
How you didn’t rip that woman’s face off, we will never know. Because those of us with similar issues probably would have-or puked over the seat onto her head.
.-= Suzanne´s last blog ..Next Food Network Star-Week 8 =-.
Priss
I’m not quite so sensitive to scents, but I swear on all that’s holy that some bitches have no kind of perfume etiquette. In close quarters, use something very light or none at all. Anti-perspirant keeps you from smelling nasty. Perfume makes you smell like a rose garden growing in a professional wrestler’s sweaty spandex. Nasty.
One, maybe two shots, is more than enough. It’s supposed to be attractive, not nauseating.
And who the hell gets on the plane, then thinks, “Oh gee, I’d better fumigate my fishy ass before the plane takes off”?
Unacceptable. I probably would have looked at her and told her that the cheap toilet water she just assaulted the rest of the passengers with didn’t help her odor at all. I bet a prescription would, though.
Veronica
I want to know how you didn’t think to shove something sharp into her eye. That’s always my first thought.
xx
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. What day to day life is like. =-.
Swistle
Oh. Em. Gee. I thought I had a bad flight when a college-aged couple behind me talked in loud, wanting-attention voices the Whole! Flight!, like, “OMG you did NOT just say that to me!!” *whapping sound* “OMG you are SO BAD!!” *giggling sound* *dirty whispering sound* “OMG!! I am totally telling your mom you said that!!” But perfume leaves that in the dust. IN THE DUST.
Also, very looking forward to more BlogHer ’09 talk. It seems like every year I read the same two posts: 1) BlogHer is so disillusioning and I disassociate myself from those other people calling themselves bloggers, and 2) OMG AWESOME LADIES SQUEE SQUEE SQUEEE BFF4EVA!!!!” It would be nice to read something that had…a balance.
.-= Swistle´s last blog ..Coffee and Doughnuts =-.
lceel
SWMBO will not allow me anywhere near perfume counters in department stores because my sinuses react violently to many perfumes. So I can sympathize, a bit. And I can admire your restraint. If that had been SWMBO, she would have done an Ella Fitzgerald on her ass – the volume and pitch of her voice would have shattered that bottle right in her hand. Of course, it might not have done aircraft windows any good – so maybe it’s good it was you and not her after all.
.-= lceel´s last blog ..There were Manly Men =-.
Twitter: lceel
Eve
I have problems with other people’s perfume sometimes, too. If it’s not illegal to spray the stuff on the airplane it should be!!! Glad you survived it to get your boy. BTW – I love the new look of your blog.
.-= Eve´s last blog ..This and That and a Couple of Good Books =-.
Tara R.
Sorry for the craptastic flight, can’t believe how clueless some people can be. Perfumes make my whole face itch. You did show superhuman restraint.
Enjoy your reunion with your little man.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..I ran away from home, but they found me =-.
Twitter: Tara_R
rachel-asouthernfairytale
Awww darlin’
I’m so sorry. Ugh. What is wrong with some people?????? ARGH.
Love you and loved seeing you again.
C @ Kid Things
I get migraines, and that, combined with the stress of the flight itself, probably would have sent me for a tailspin. Ugh.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Never Send a Man =-.
The Mother Tongue
How you resisted the temptation to kick the back of her seat for the entire flight, I do not know. Ughhh
Secret Mom Thoughts
Uggh…she is lucky she was still conscious when the plane landed.
.-= Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Blog Hop-Favorite Kid Photo =-.
HappyCampers
My stepmom always sprayed hairspray in the car when I was a kid…I can’t smell TreSemme hairspray to this day. Makes me GAG. Who the hell sprays their hair in the CAR?
.-= HappyCampers´s last blog ..Running…Running…. =-.
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Some peoples’ kids. WTF?
Happy to hear they found you at the hotel…what the hell happened?!?
.-= Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog ..Name dropping, BlogHer style =-.
Twitter: mommy_wins
Athena
How awful!! I can completely relate to your agony. I always travel with sinus tablets, sinus spray, headache medicine, and an anti-nausea wristband thingie that looks like a watch. And once my kids get a bit older I’ll start bringing Dramamine again so I can just sleep through the whole darn thing.
.-= Athena´s last blog ..Great News! =-.
Mrs. Schmitty
Ahhhhh…..so that’s what happened to you! I saw the tweet that you hadn’t returned home!! So glad they found you safe and sound!!!
.-= Mrs. Schmitty´s last blog ..Take Us Back In Time Tuesday – 7/28/09 =-.
Catherine
Ahh… what a mother will do for a child. Honestly, I would have a fuss that would have banned perfume witch from any airplane. Ever. But I congratulate you. Clearly, you’re more civil than I could ever be.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)
Count me as one in the “thinking you were dead” category. Based on a Twitter search for “sarcasticmomlc,” I was the first person to retweet @mrsflinger’s APB for you. I was not the first person to add the #blogher09 hashtag. I let someone else put out the REAL alarm among the folks who could help. Then I retweeted that, too.
Anyway, I was SO GLAD to hear you were safe. I think it’s both a good thing and a bad thing that Twitter allows us to try to help someone, but also worry, when we’re not anywhere we can actually DO ANYTHING.
I’m looking forward to hearing what you thought of BlogHer.
.-= Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..Happy “Curves”iversary to me… 25 and counting… =-.
Twitter: ramblingreba
Scout's Honor
Ugh, that sucks, my friend! Did you at least trip her stanky ass on the aisle as you got off? Sigh.
I’d love to hear more about Blogher. Someday I’ll actually get to go maybe…
~Scout
.-= Scout’s Honor´s last blog ..This is What Happens When There Are Three Boys Under One Roof: OOOOOohhh Annnnnakin! =-.
Mrs4444
I have no idea why the airlines tolerate that shit, and it drives me CRAZY. My husband is allergic to perfume, and he flies often, so I know how you must have suffered. What the hell is wrong with people like that?
.-= Mrs4444´s last blog ..Why I Could Never Be an EMT =-.
Sugar Jones
That behavior should be enough to get kicked off a plane. I mean, seriously? Spraying perfume ON the airplane? What was stopping her from doing that IN A BATHROOM or even at home? I suppose she pulled out a toe nail clipper as her classy encore? Ugg.
So glad you got to your son, though. I couldn’t hug mine enough when I finally got to them.
.-= Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Friendship =-.
Al_Pal
Guh. I am SO not a fan of perfume. Blech!
Twitter: Al_Pal
MarysMom
We got that in common. I was just waiting to read what you had done to that woman but you just suffered quietly… Recently, at a work meeting, I took a seat beside this co-worker, who is a lovely woman and I truly like her, and she just reeked of perfume that she had freshly put on for the meeting! Do I hurt her feelings by moving or do I just wait for the migraine? I moved and even told her why… I did not get a headache and she’s still my friend…
Why I haven’t written my Blogher 09 Recap. | Sarcastic Mom
[...] in my mouth. Hangover. Hangover. Hangover. Hangover. Bowling? Sleep. I got on the plane with perfume bitch and came home. But that wasn’t very fun to read, now was [...]
Scattered Mom
I’m sensitive to smelly things too, and likely would have asked to be moved or…accidentally puked on her bag. Oops!