In my post last Thursday I shared an email from a friend about remembering to be grateful for the blessings we have in our lives. I do try to practice that on a regular basis – likely, you can see how well I notice the beauty around me in the photographs I have shared with you. Sometimes, though, I get very emotional and wrapped up in myself, worrying about finding a happiness I haven’t even got a definition for – chasing after something imagined that I think I’m supposed to be able to close my hands around to make everything better. In chasing that mentally, I can lose sight of blessings in my immediate view. This is (I believe) what Jenny was warning against. Her email was a reminder not to chase after that imagined thing, but to revel in the beauty your life already holds.
In a past email Jenny sent, she also mentioned that the best thing she did to help her heal was to let herself feel all the emotions that resulted from the heartbreak of her miscarriages. I think that’s important to mention, too. And this applies to any kind of heartache or grief, any emotionally tumultuous experience you might have. I think tempering yourself between these pieces of advice – fully experiencing the pain while still remembering your blessings – is the best place to be.
We can’t push down the painful feelings and just wash, rinse, and repeat the “be grateful for what you have, be grateful for what you have” to ourselves over and over again, as if validating the painful emotions would be a sign that we’re not grateful for what we have. (I know that Jenny understands that, because she shared with me that allowing herself to experience those emotions fully was the only way she’d be sure she would actually really heal in the long run.) But I wanted to make the point here, too. Because I think allowing yourself to be in pain when you are in pain is just as important to remember as consciously taking note of your blessings and being grateful for what you have.
Obviously, I feel that these are good pieces of advice – some of it is Jenny’s (that I agree with) and some of it is my own. And I clearly wouldn’t pass it on to you if I didn’t think it would do someone some good.
So, for today’s installment of “I Wonder…”
What’s the best piece of unsolicited advice you’ve ever gotten?
What’s the worst piece of unsolicited advice you’ve ever gotten?
#1 by Jennifer S^N on August 21, 2008 - 12:33 AM
“Because I think allowing yourself to be in pain when you are in pain is just as important to remember as consciously taking note of your blessings and being grateful for what you have.”
This is the best piece of advice I’ve heard in a long time….truly!
Worst piece – “Let it go” in real life this can also be interpreted as shut up- I don’t want to hear anymore; I don’t have time for you……etc.
Surrounding yourself with people who are interested in listening to what you have to say as well as being a good listener to others tends to be more soul soothing than the advice……..Does that make any sense?
I may be rambling….;).
Jennifer S^Ns last blog post..Me Mommy Me!
#2 by Claire in CA, USA on August 21, 2008 - 12:38 AM
I am such a stinkin’ free spirit that I don’t pay much attention to advice: thus, many, many mistakes made in life.
And when someone gives me bad advice, I blow it off, and don’t really remember, ‘cuz I’m going to do what I’m going to do, whether that person thinks it’s good or not. Man, the Guiness I had is making me more spunky than usual!
Claire in CA, USAs last blog post..I’m where the fun happens
#3 by Mr Lady on August 21, 2008 - 1:51 AM
1. Swallow.
2. Swallow.
(It’s okay, you’re allowed to giggle.)
Mr Ladys last blog post..No, Really. I’ll Take a Cab. Thanks Anyway.
#4 by Kari C on August 21, 2008 - 3:41 AM
“The son you have now at 12, will be that son again at 22″. My thought was………..yessssssss if he lives that long!!
But, she was right and he is such a good, person-growing into a nice young man. I wish he were still my “bubby”, but it is getting easier.
I don’t remember the worst advice-I usually forget those things….it’s just easier that way!
#5 by Athena on August 21, 2008 - 4:10 AM
Ya know – I tried really, really hard to think of answers for this, but I can’t think of either.
Maybe I ignore advice too.
Maybe no one give it to me because they think I am too bullheaded to follow it?
Maybe I conveniently forget it all with the passage of time?
Maybe I am brain dead today because it’s been a CRAZY week.
lol
xx
~A
Athenas last blog post..Bubble Self Portrait
#6 by river on August 21, 2008 - 4:28 AM
So all the anger and hurt feelings I’ve been ignoring or burying are going to come back and haunt me? Damn.
#7 by Veronica on August 21, 2008 - 4:53 AM
Best piece of advice ever? Nathan and I were given this the very first time we sat down and cuddled on a park bench (we had been together all of about 2 hours).
A guy came up and asked for a smoke. He was homeless. While he had his smoke, he said –
‘Don’t look for happiness in the distance, instead, grow it under your feet.’
Some people are angels in disguise.
Veronicas last blog post..You’ll Find Me in the Corner, Rocking
#8 by Veronica on August 21, 2008 - 4:54 AM
Oh and Mr. Lady? I was given that particular bit of advice too. Hehe.
Veronicas last blog post..You’ll Find Me in the Corner, Rocking
#9 by natalie on August 21, 2008 - 6:37 AM
i don’t know what the best or worst piece of advice has been for me. i know that i am a pretty even-tempered person…very laid back so i tend to just let things go. i did hear a quote once that said..”Whoever you are and whatever you do, be sure to enjoy the ride. The goal isn’t to reach the final destination, the trip is the goal.” that is how i look at life. always looking at where i am now and contemplating what i’ve been through. i do look ahead, but i am not anxious about the future at all.
natalies last blog post..Contest #2 is starting to stink!
#10 by jill on August 21, 2008 - 7:11 AM
the worst advice we ever got was from my cousin’s husband. For whatever reason, even the men in that family were totally nosy about our fertitlity. Which pissed me off to no end, especially since they were making arses of themselves before we were married, ie before we’d even have sex, as to when we were having kids. Anyway, he told us that we might as well go ahead and get it over with as you’ll never have enough money or be prepared enough. What an a$$. He should have known better, as he and his wife it took them 10 years to have a baby. Why shove your ideals down someone else’s throat? Oh and while I was uber polite to the jacka$$ I really wanted to punch him in the face. Our total take home pay was less than $1500 a month which would have gone bye bye had I had the baby since I was the breadwinner, oh and my husband was a student and we lived in a ‘family’ apartment on campus. We had less than 1,000 square feet and not room enough for a bassinet let alone all the stuff that goes along with a baby. And we’d ALREADY explained this in a very polite way and still he plowed on with tunnel vision. Guess what? We’ve taken our time. got my husband graduated from college and paid down our bills. NOW we have enough money (or at least fewer bills) and space to have children. And we are. What a butthead. I dont know why people think it’s their business in the first place to hound people about fertility, but to continue on when you’ve been politely told to drop it is ridiculous.
jills last blog post..Shop til you drop, or click and save?…
#11 by Lou Lohman on August 21, 2008 - 7:18 AM
I wasn’t gonna go ’sex’ here. But after Mr Lady and Veronica, guess where my head is stuck.
I think I’m gonna say, “Nice post, Lotus. And heartfelt. There are some things that should just NEVER happen – and it’s a crying shame when they do. Peace, girl.”
Lou Lohmans last blog post..On the Tarmac — The Kid, Part 5
#12 by AnnD on August 21, 2008 - 7:19 AM
God! I love you! I’m a psychothearpist and I so want to print out that post and hand it out to my clients! I have to tell my clients sooo often: “Don’t numb yourself through the pain. You HAVE to experience it to move beyond it. It’s okay. You are supposed to cry. You are supposed to hurt. And you won’t like it but until it’s experienced, it won’t abate either. You are a human being.”
Most of them want to be medicated through a loss or a depression….I work in a psychiatrist’s office so I have many session trying to beg them to NOT up their Xanax/Klonopin/Valium prescription so they are walking zombies. I wish everyone in the world could read this post of yours! They should publish it in the New York Times.
Anyway, I don’t know about the worst unsolicited advice I’ve gotten was but I know what the best was. My sister asked the guests at my baby shower to write down pieces of advice for me on little cards. This came from a woman in her late 50’s (who has NEVER had a child): “Read what all the experts say and then do what you want.”
I didn’t really know what it meant at first but it never left my mind. As the months went on, I grew to embrace this quote. I take it as: “There are many ways to raise a wonderful child, many different choices you can make and paths you can take. And some parents may not be with you on that path, they may berate you for taking the path that you are because it isn’t THEIR path. But, if you’ve educated yourself and truly make what you believe to be the best decision for your child. Your child will turn out just fine.”
AnnDs last blog post..Turkey Run State Park (pic heavy)
#13 by Secret Agent Mama on August 21, 2008 - 7:22 AM
Best Advice: Live life for yourself and don’t let anyone else determine your happiness. My husband gave me that advice, believe it or not.
Worst Advice: (on the tail of Mr Lady) Swallow. My husband gave me that advice, too.
#14 by Lilacspecs on August 21, 2008 - 7:30 AM
Hrm…I’ve gotten a lot of good advice but I can’t remember a specific one liner to put here.
The worst advice I got was “walk it off” and “feeling sick is all in your head”. I’ve been nearly hospitalized two or three times because I was told when I was young several times that being sick was all in my head. Granted I was a neurotic toddler, but it was the wrong lesson to ingrain in my brain.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Weekly Winners – August 10-16
#15 by Jo on August 21, 2008 - 8:04 AM
I can’t remember the worst advice I ever got; but it was probably along the lines of “don’t worry, you won’t get in trouble” – right before I got in trouble. Smoking, Drinking, “Borrowing” the car. Thanks!
But the two best pieces of advice I ever got were both from my grandmother. She used to always say “Pretty is as pretty does” And it’s true. Beautiful people are beautiful on the inside first. The second one was that “God never gives us more than we can handle” And while there are times that this feels false – we do always seem to rise above the hard times.
Jos last blog post..Beauty In Nature – It’s All Around Us
#16 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:21 AM
Jennifer,
“Let it go” really is a crappy thing to say to someone who’s hurting. But I have to admit having said it to a person who was was a ranting asshole.
Myself.
#17 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:22 AM
Claire,
I tend to ignore advice too, basically just because I’m a stubborn control freak. I think I’m getting mildly better as I age, but I definitely still have my bullheaded moments. I think lots of people give advice they shouldn’t give – but I also feel there are gems we could stand to take notice of.
#18 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:23 AM
Mr. Lady,
AHAHAHAHA!
I’d hate to ask you about bad promises people have made you.
harharhar
#19 by A Serious Attempt at Fun on August 21, 2008 - 9:24 AM
BEST: Your #1 job as a mom is to make sure your kids know you love them unconditionally. EVERYTHING else (training/correcting them, following my own interests…etc.) comes after that.
Funny how most of us can’t remember the worst….
A Serious Attempt at Funs last blog post..To a Twelve Year Old
#20 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:24 AM
Kari,
Aw, that’s amazing advice. And a little scary to think about for someone with a 22 month old!
#21 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:24 AM
Athena,
Haha, well, we were cut from the same cloth. You know I understand.
#22 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:25 AM
river,
I’m going to have to say that’s a likelihood. Then again, some people are burying masters. But anytime I’ve tried burying something, it didn’t work for me. Ended up leaking out later when a small thing piled on and broke through.
#23 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:26 AM
Veronica,
That really is amazing advice. Angels in disguise is right.
#24 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:28 AM
Natalie,
I’d have to say I totally agree with that. It’s easier said than done in some situations, though! It is very similar to being grateful for what you have instead of chasing after imagined happiness. Enjoy the ride, don’t just focuson the destination. Great advice.
#25 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:29 AM
Jill,
Ugh. I think everyone should just keep their mouths shut with assvice like that. Telling anyone when doing something so important is right for them is MORONIC. Sorry you had to deal with the moron, but glad you guys got everything worked out in your own time!
#26 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:30 AM
Lou,
It’s a constant struggle, isn’t it?
#27 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:32 AM
AnnD,
Well, I’ve got a personality where being “emotional” comes naturally, had lots of experiences to teach me, and clearly a friend to reinforce the idea.
But yes, I’m in the camp that believes in “getting it all out.” I can’t stand “bottling” or “numbing.”
Your piece of advice truly is a good one as well. There are so many different right ways to deal with a child. As long as we are well educated on our choices and options, we are ultimately the best ones to choose what’s right for our children in each situation. Smart woman for not having been a parent herself!
#28 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:33 AM
AnnD,
What I meant was smart parenting advice despite not having been a parent herself. Heheh.
#29 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:35 AM
SAM,
LOL It’s good to have a “balanced” husband? Uh….
Well, actually, at least his good advice seems to outweight his bad advice. Hehe.
Did he advise you on what kind of mouthwash to use, btw?
#30 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:37 AM
Lilacspecs,
That is awful! I’m so sorry. My family tended to hold off a long time before going to the doctor, but no one ever told us that the sickness was in our heads! Sheesh. At least you know that it’s faulty reasoning now.
#31 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:42 AM
Jo,
Your bad advice sounds similar to a joke I heard about what redneck’s last words usually are: “Hey, fellers! Watch this!” Hahahaha.
Your good advice is great. Beauty truly starts on the inside. And in a interesting twist, your second piece of advice has also been mentioned to me by Jenny recently.
#32 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on August 21, 2008 - 9:43 AM
Serious Attempt at Fun,
Hell, maybe the worst advice is best left unremembered!
Good words on parenting. Love is a biggie here, too.
#33 by Allison on August 21, 2008 - 9:54 AM
This is a tough one. Like some previous comments, I don’t seem to remember much of the advice I’ve received. I think the good advice I just take to heart (and the heart doesn’t “think” so it can’t remind me!) and the bad advice I throw away.
Let’s see…
A piece of bad advice: re: the fact that I ended up having a c-section with my son: “Well, now that you’ve had one you can just schedule your next c-section a few weeks earlier so you can get it over with!” Yeah…clearly you know a *lot* about having babies and how *easy* c-sections are. ::sigh::
A piece of good advice: It’s okay to cry. But think about *why* you are crying. If you are crying because someone hurt you, make sure that person is worth your tears. If they are, share your feelings with THEM. If they aren’t, cry your heart out talking to someone who WOULD be worth your tears.
Allisons last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Posing for the Paparazzi
#34 by Issa on August 21, 2008 - 11:39 AM
I think that this is so right on. I spent months hiding from my pain and them months living in it. The latter is what helped me to move on.
Worst: Move on, just sweep it out of your head, you already have two kids, it wasn’t like you lost a real baby. (Even now a year later, just typing those words sting.)
Best: Enjoy the small things, the giggles and joy that you see on her face when she learns something new. enjoy each age for it’s greatness and it’s worst pieces, because one day when she’s big and only wants your money or worse when she’s moved on in her life and doesn’t need you, this is what you’ll want to remember. this will give you joy. (from my mom when Maya was a crazy one year old.)
Issas last blog post..Broken thumb meme
#35 by Summer on August 21, 2008 - 12:06 PM
Beautiful post.
I think we should print it off and pass it out, too many people numb themselves and never move on.
The best advice I ever got was don’t worry about what other people say or think about your life. It’s yours, live it the way that makes sense to you.
I can’t think of the worst advice, i guess I just toss that out. LOL
Summers last blog post..I’m Positive
#36 by Annie on August 21, 2008 - 12:58 PM
Best is a tie:
1. Worrying about the future gets you nowhere. Why waste time and energy worrying about things that may not ever happen? Live in the moment and love that. (What a realization. That was awesome advice.)
2. Endure what you do not like, for it will make you stronger (and in the moment, it totally sucks, but on the other side? Makes absolute sense.)
Worst: You should have kids now, because you’re not that far away from having all your eggs dry up. (Um, 1. My eggs are none of your business asshole, and B. I’m 30, not 80. Kindly fuck off.)
Annies last blog post..Summer Evaluations
#37 by Colleen - Mommy Always Wins on August 21, 2008 - 1:50 PM
Best piece of advice? Honestly, it was from a P.O.S. ex-boyfriend, and it was par for the course in his abusive behaviour when he said, “Get over it. Why do you think anyone should do anything for YOU?” But it *did* make my then-18-year-old self think, and realize, that no one SHOULD. It got me to start taking care of myself, and not expecting anything from anybody. Of course, he was wrong in that a lot of people do care for me and do things for me, but I think it helped me make that transition from kid to adult, realizing that no one was going to do anything for me anymore.
Worst piece of advice? Listening to that same a**hole when he told me I wasn’t worth it.
#38 by Memarie Lane on August 21, 2008 - 2:35 PM
Best: I have very nice natural fingernails that grow long and beautiful with no effort. I used to paint them, and people would often assume they were fake because they were just *too nice*. One girl was being especially nasty to me about it, saying I was lying that those were my real nails, so I started picking at the polish with my teeth to show her. Another girl, one I’d always thought was kind of mean, turned around and told me to leave my nails alone, that as long as I knew they were real that’s all that mattered. I’ve since learned to apply that advice to many areas of life.
Worst: If your baby bites you when nursing, flick him on the cheek. WTF?
#39 by Janine on August 21, 2008 - 3:07 PM
While walking outside with my new baby in a pram:
“Did you know that taking them out that early can cause brain damage?”
I’ll leave you to decide whether that was the best or worst unsolicited advice.
Janines last blog post..This is me, imploding
#40 by Just Jinny on August 21, 2008 - 4:54 PM
Wow, I don’t know.
I think the worst advice is not really advice at all. I am tired of hearing ‘Oh don’t worry, it will happen for you’, ‘Enjoy being childless while you can’, ‘Y’all are still young, you still have time’.
The best advice, again, is not really advice. I have good friends that are much older than me and childless by choice. They will never have kids and yet they live joyful, fulfilling, happy, interesting lives. And, if it is in my future to never have kids, I gather hope from their example that our lives will be the same.
Just Jinnys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
#41 by Rachael on August 21, 2008 - 6:27 PM
The best advice I’ve gotten has stemmed from becoming a mom. The first was from my Mom. When I was 2 months pregnant, she told me that if I wanted to quit my job and stay home with the baby, I COULD find a way, I just had to look harder. The second was to trust my instincts – kind of goes along the same lines as AnnD’s sister’s advice – read it all, then do what you feel is right.
I’m not sure about the worst advice I ever got. That might take some thinking.
Rachaels last blog post..New Blog
#42 by Tara R on August 21, 2008 - 9:08 PM
best piece- “trust your gut” in regards to mothering.
worst piece- “just hire a nanny”… um… I’m a pastor’s wife with ZERO dollars… how on EARTH would I manage to hire a nanny???? This piece was couple with the lovely phrase “just don’t worry about it so much!” and “I think you’re trying to hard” all in reference to my severely colicky newborn son. Useless advice.
Tara Rs last blog post..my new widget
#43 by Tara R on August 21, 2008 - 9:11 PM
by the way, these comments are amazing.
Tara Rs last blog post..my new widget
#44 by Anna Ellis on August 21, 2008 - 10:41 PM
The worst advice i have ever recieved.
Get married.
Now we are facing a nasty situation. You really have a wonderful husband. You’re so lucky. =)
#45 by Half-Past Kissin' Time on August 21, 2008 - 11:07 PM
This post was beautifully written.
Best piece of unsolicited advice came from my MIL years ago (though at the time, I wanted to tell her to F-off!) Mr.4444 and I were “fighting,” which really means that I would leave his house in a huff and walk back in a few minutes later. She and I didn’t know each other well at the time (it was the early days, when we were just dating.) On one of my passes back in, she said, “You know, you’d be a lot farther ahead if you played harder to get.” OUch. She was right, but I hated her for it.
Only one question answered, but I’m doing you a favor–How in the world do you keep up with all of these comments?!!!
Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Friday Fragments
#46 by Joy on August 21, 2008 - 11:09 PM
What comes to mind when I think of advice, the best and the worst, relates to my son having autism.
The best was at an autism support group meeting, it was in relation to the grandparents of autistic children and how the parents of that child get frustrated because the extended family doesn’t “get it” or cope the same or “right way” that the parent of the autistic child would wish for. She said “Be patient with your parents. They are not only mourning for their grandchild but they are also mourning for their child who is going through this”
That helped me get through when I received my bad advice from my mom “Give it time, he’s still so little.” This is only bad advice because early intervention is so vital, you can’t waste time being in denial and think they’ll get better on their own. We’ve also heard all kind of other ridiculous things like we should “discipline him more” or “maybe we don’ t talk to him enough and that’s why he isn’t talking” but I won’t even touch those.
Joys last blog post..Sanura’s First Day & Meeting Adrian’s Teacher
#47 by Loralee on August 22, 2008 - 10:47 AM
Best advice: Don’t marry him.
Worst advice: Don’t marry him.
Loralees last blog post..Sideblog: What would you do?
#48 by blogversary on August 22, 2008 - 2:09 PM
Best advice unsolicitate: “You get out of it what you put in.” Followed by “Go take a nap.”
Worst: “You look bad in red.”
blogversarys last blog post..the tale of two eaters
#49 by Jenny (yes That Jenny) on August 22, 2008 - 4:08 PM
Best Advice: Purposefully, with intent, do one nice thing for your spouse every day. Of course, I fold his laundry and pick up scuzzy socks he leaves by the front door EVERY damn day and raise his children and do the paperwork for his business but thats not the same as purposefully, with intent, doing something nice. When I remember to follow this advice, my marriage is stronger.
Worst Advice: “To microwave a baked potato, cook it on high for 11 minutes.” Um… NO!!! Try like 4. The flames in the microwave around minute 8 let me know that my potato was indeed done! My college apartment stank for a week. Thanks for that gem, mom!
#50 by Karleigh on August 22, 2008 - 8:42 PM
I think you should put up the video I took. It’s really cute.
#51 by Katherine on August 22, 2008 - 10:39 PM
I guess this is advice. My grandmother always told me to believe in positive thinking. I guess I try to live by that. She was the most positive person I have ever known. She never ever (NEVER) had anything negative to say about anyone. She loved her family, and friends, unconditionally. Worst advice… pullint out is a good form of birth control (but I am very happy to say that I love the product of that bad advice, my oldest son).
Katherines last blog post..Green Bag Lady
#52 by Jacki on August 23, 2008 - 9:07 PM
Best piece of advice? Enjoy your kids when they are little because they grow up so fast!
Worst: I honestly can’t think of any.
Jackis last blog post..Reason #8 why I don’t do drugs
#53 by Barbara on August 25, 2008 - 3:35 PM
the best piece of unsolicited advice is probably that which you’ve given in this post. It made me think very hard about the way I approach things.
The worst piece of unsolicited advice is probably not to feel upset about my c-section because the most important thing is the baby. Yes, that’s true, but so are my feelings and to have them trampled on like that isn’t fun.
Barbaras last blog post..238/366 – Her Favourite and maybe His One Day
#54 by Autism Game on September 12, 2008 - 5:32 PM
As a father of two ASD boys, I really appreciate your blog and the information you post!