ishly
new year’s eve
(don’t act like you don’t kick off the new year by taking inappropriate love pictures of yourself with meat.)
And then.
I wanted to lose weight starting Januaryishly.
And not because of some dumbass resolution that I felt compelled to make as I jumped off the cliff with all the other lemmings just because of the scribbled marks of letter and number on a calendar that tells us what we are supposed to call this time in space that we are all sitting in.
Yeah, it was January. A new year happened. (you can hear the whoopty-frickin-doo in this, right?)
Contrary to my having been “2009′s Anxious Mistress,” nothing magical happened when the clock struck midnight and 2009 rose in all its glory.
My ass stayed fat, my heart stayed broken, my mind stayed confuzzled, and there was no effing prince charming standing here waiting to cram a glass shoe on my foot and tell me how DAMN GORGEOUS I AM.
Which makes him a big, fat doodiehead jerk, because it would have been nice to go to the ball. Or live happily ever after.
AHAHAHAHA.
I can’t believe I just wrote that.
Because, BLAH. And also? GAG.
Resolution Schmesolution, in other words.
But I did want to lose the weight. The weight that I had ALREADY lost through a lot of hard work and will power (no, I have no idea where the hell I got it from, so I have no secrets for you) Augustishly 2008.
You know, back when I was bragging about being able to pull my pants down without opening them, and being such a womping moron that I posted a video of it online.
And that was the 10lb mark, and I lost at least 5 more lbs after that and I was feeling really great.
But shit, man, sometimes it just seems like life hates it when things are going well. (I’m so optimistic, it’s disgusting.)
So I got pregnant, and got fat way too fast, because that’s also what life likes for me. Pregnant = sick-novomit-butlotsoffat.
So 3 months in I got all the fat and none of the baby. And then the none of the baby part made me do what? Sit on my ass and eat. And drink.
Because cookiescakeburgerschocolatewinepeanutbutterpizza = happiness, right? (RIGHT!?)
No. But still. This is my reaction.
Yeah, when the worst of the shit of life smears itself across my upper lip, forcing me to think the world smells like an asshole, I can think of nothing to do but cram food into my facehole.
And all that weight I lost Julyishly and gained back Novemberishly got added to, even, Decemberishly.
Causing me to feel quite lardishly.
And so? The desire to lose weight Januaryishly 2009.
And now it’s Februarishly. And I’ve really lost no significant weight. My body is still lumpy and plumpy and the fat pants are tight. Oh, woe is me when the FAT pants get tight.
Why, oh why are the fat pants tight?
It MIGHT be because I haven’t tried in any remotely small way to exercise or get back on my old healthy diet.
YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T GET MAGICALLY UNFAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO?
Oh. Yeah. Ok. But there’s one problem I’m having.
I can’t find the motivation.
Honestly, most of the time all I want to do is sleep. Just wanna curl on up into a big, fat-roll adorned, snoring, furry (shaving? hah!) ball and EFFING SLEEP.
It’s called HIBERNATING. And bears get to do it. Yeah, they are allowed to do this. They’re allowed to eat like total jerks until they’re fat and gross (and furry, them bitches don’t shave, yo) and then they sleeeeeeeep. And what do the damn bears do that’s so great that they deserve this? Hmm? What do they do that makes them soooo great?
Nothing. That’s right. I am giving the bears EXACTLY ZERO PROPS.
I want to hibernate. And God Help Anyone who tries to wake me.
That’s what the CLAWS are for.
Repeat after me: “Lotus is sleeping. We shall not wake her. We shall make pies for when she awakes. But we shall not wake her. All hail The Fat, Furry, Sleeping Bitch.”
Tell me when it’s Spring.
Maybe then I’ll feel motivationishly again.
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Hecticmom Undone
*awesome post*
I know you have been through hell and back these last few months. I haven’t had any major tragedies – and I’m feeling the same damn way. I WANT TO BE SKINNY – BUT I HAVE NO MOJO TO GET IT DONE!
I think you have seriously hit the nail on the head. It’s winter – we should be hibernating (even if I live in CA and the worst it does is rain). I think I’ll tell my boss that. Think he’ll give me off ’til June?
Hecticmom Undones last blog post..Password?
Jennifer H
I tried the Magically Unfat plan, too. I so want my money back.
And then yesterday, my husband casually mentions a possible social engagement for the summer where there will be lots of judgy women, and I realized Crap, I have to lose some weight before then. Some = a LOT.
Of course I hear about it the day AFTER I order Girl Scout cookies.
Jennifer Hs last blog post..Be careful
Veronica
I know it goes against the ‘don’t poke the bear’ policy, but I have a pointy stick here and it is awfully tempting…
I feel you though, I always go into hibernation over winter. I can’t seem to cook or clean or do anything that requires you know, actual energy when it is cold out. I’m thinking if I buy a Wii fit I might be able to at least exercise this winter, but then, don’t count on it.
Veronicas last blog post..Too Much
river
peanutbutterpizza………….hmmm, hot or cold?
Lilacspecs
I feel you, I really do. I got all sorts of motivated in September and dropped almost 30 pounds in 2 months. Then my parents visited. Then it was Christmas season. Then it was New Years season. Now it’s February and I’ve gained it all back. All the new clothes I got to wear like twice are in the bottom of my drawer under my fat pants.
I’m miserable here without a job and no school and basically nothing motivating me at all.
But! But I’m getting married in 14 months! So I’m really spending this last week or so of February internally trying to get motivated. That’ll give me 13 months to lose oh….60 pounds.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Extra Curricular Activities
Ashlie- Mommycosm
Dude, you were Miss Whineypants on Twitter about not getting as many comments as you’re used to. Perhaps, and this is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt…or a few grains on the rim of a margarita, but you might not want to tell everyone to stay the eff away if you want comments. Just sayin’.
I’ll be waiting with a pie. Strawberry rhubarb or apple??
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Haiku Friday: Sick
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Ashlie- Mommycosm,
So, that came off as whiny rather than a genuine interest in the commenting trends on my website?
And the above was an illustration of how difficult I find it to be happy and even remotely interested in getting out of bed each day lately. I literally feel like punching the world in the face when my eyes open in the morning. My biggest desire is just to close them again.
Trying to find a humorous way to relate that.
If I want comments? Of course I want them. I like the feedback. In this case I guess being honest about my feelings of wanting to be left alone in my bed where I can sleep forever translates as “stay the hell away from me altogether,” to the reader, which wasn’t my intention.
To be frank, there are times when turning off comments altogether and just writing is actually an attractive idea.
The problem with that is that I like what commenters add: their observations, suggestions, and opinions. The community around the blog (no matter its size) is interesting and valued.
With that comes the inevitable occasions of not being understood/being misunderstood/being disliked/disagreed with.
Have to take it all if you want any of it, I suppose. With or without salt.
Can I request blackberry?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Allie
Okay, um, clearly I am missing something here. I realize the above photo is only of your face, but you look beautiful. I get the horrible shit you have gone through and I get that it can lead to loss of motivation but I honestly (and I would have no problem telling the truth) think you look great. It is a photo taken with no make-up, little light, and you are kissing a piece of meat (giggity). Lotus, a few pounds (or 10) does not distract from natural gorgeousness. The weight will come off, that is an issue you’ll fix in time. The cause of the weight is something we all want to help you get through. You’re doing it, you are so tough even though you think you are. Every day you don’t jump off the cliff is a good day.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Allie,
Thanks for the support, babe. Photo wasn’t meant to illustrate my weight issue, but just mark the time of year the thoughts in the post refer to… just a silly photo. I think I made some poor choices for this post. Heh.
I know I don’t come off as morbidly obese, and that’s because I’m not. But I am overweight – I have rolls of skin and fat on my body that hurt when I move, and I carry enough weight right now to aggravate my arthritic joints. I FEEL uncomfortable in the physical arrangement of cells that is me right now.
I know it’s touchy to talk about wanting to lose weight when there are people who would say I don’t need to, or I look fine, etc. But I don’t feel fine, my clothes don’t fit… etc.
Might be having a hard time explaining how I’m feeling without annoying people with a whiny tone? Quite likely.
Thanks for being here for me, hon, and for using words like “gorgeousness.” Do you have a glass slipper?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
lceel
I must be getting old or something – because normally … well, let’s just say there are a lot of different directions one could have gone in comment, here. I feel like the guy standing next to the rainbarrel full of fish with a shotgun in his hand.
Goddess help me, I can’t pull the trigger.
Which is another problem altogether.
lceels last blog post..Resumption of service and story
Twitter: lceel
Mary
Holy Cow,…. sounds like you’re talkin ’bout me!!! I’ve been like that since October! I flat don’t care if the sun don’t come up.
And, yes, my fat pants don’t fit anymore.
Love Ya!
*pixie*
Yeah, when the worst of the shit of life smears itself across my upper lip, forcing me to think the world smells like an asshole, I can think of nothing to do but cram food into my facehole.
Umm…me too.
Laurie
YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T GET MAGICALLY UNFAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO?
Wait, what? This is totally what I’m counting on. I’m in the same spot as you… food = love.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
I’m still wishing for the magic of The Secret and positive thinking for the poundages to fall off. It’s not working.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..The Bitch, The Bitch, The Bitch is Back
Amanda
I am so with you! I often wish I can just think the weight away.
Amandas last blog post..Hi. My name is Amanda and I am…….a 30 year old.
pgoodness
Dammit! I want to be magically unfat, too!!! Someone needs to make it possible!!!
pgoodnesss last blog post..Hit the road, Jack
Twitter: Pgoodness
perpstu
I feel your pain……I got all motivated last Julyishly to lose some weight and dropped 15 pounds justlikethat. Then I got all egotistical with the “look at how hot my ass looks now” and “That’s right I can be skinny” said between shoving crap in my piehole. The 15 pounds came back and brought some friends to party with. Fuckers. So now I need to get motivated again. *sigh*
perpstus last blog post..Dear Friday, Thank God You Are Here!
Twitter: perpstu
Gabriel
I understand you fully. I keep telling myself I have to lose weight, and I have thousands of reason for doing that, yet I can never bring myself to the point in which I make the decision and stick to it…
And it’s worrying me, because I’m not in good health, I’m 42 and I have four kids… It’d be nice to be still around when THEY have kids, don’t you think?
Sorry for the somber tone of my comment, but once again you happened to touch a subject that I can totally identify with. No wonder you’re among the most original, most entertaining and most recommendable blogs I know…
One thing, though: women and men have completely different standards for the ‘overweight’ concept. If I saw you and then had to describe you (i.e. sketch artist at the police station), I would definitely say you’re somewhere between ‘average’ and ‘thin’.
Me… let’s say I will be happy when I get back to three digits.
Gabriels last blog post..Untooned
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Gabriel,
No apologies necessary for a somber tone. Come as you are, my friend.
It’s so hard to make some changes in life, even when we know they are for the best, right? I have a long list of things like that, and I feel embarrassed that within my own mind.
I agree that the overweight concept seems different by gender. I think we are (almost) always harder on ourselves, also. I appreciate your kind compliments about my appearance.
What it boils down to for me is when I feel sluggish, and I can sense the pain from extra weight on my joints… and when I become uncomfortable with the way my body feels when it moves, I know I am carrying too much weight for my own frame.
It’s such a relative thing, person to person.
The entire tone of my post would have been different if I had used the word “unhealthy” instead of “fat,” eh?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Gabriel
@Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus,
sorry I’m coming back so late, but I haven’t seen my laptop in days now…
It would be fun to find new ways to say ‘fat’ trying to be excessively PC (like when we call somebody ‘vertically challenged’ just because he/she is short).
In my case, I will go with “healthy food intolerant” for now. Eating -yuck- salads and stuff could cause me to go into a healthy food shock. See?
Gabriels last blog post..I miss her
Marni
You make me smile and crack me up!
I don’t comment you often, but I seriously think you are amazing. I send you good thoughts and wishes often.
Would love to crawl up and hibernate too. Know a good sitter? LOL.
Marnis last blog post..Ramble Ramble Ramble Part 44
Twitter: marnitiani
Amo
I’m a new follower (since blissdom) and am slowly understanding your past. I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. I honestly cannot imagine and will never pretend to.
I recently lost my mother and while it wasn’t as tragic as your experiences, it hurt much more than I thought it would. I too, have the same struggles with weight and motivation.
Ironically, my husband just returned from the gym, asshat. I now have to pretend all is well with the world so as not to raise a red flag…ug.
Thank you.
Amos last blog post..Why you should be saving money for my bail
amy
lardass is the new black.
Allie
I have the fibromyalgia and recently started taking Excedrin Back and Body and it helps more than Tylenol or Motrin ever did. Less pain will make it easier for you to move. You lost the weight before (I kind of started to hate you because you look so good, and yes I AM that shallow) and you will do it again. No eating after 8pm. If I do, I eat lite popcorn with no salt or butter but I add cheese popcorn seasoning (comes in TONS of flavors). Lots of ice in any beverage you drink. Add lemon or lime to water. Sweat when you can, overdress when you are dancing with B or doing housework, take HOT baths (will also help your joints). Little things that don’t seem like exercise will trick your mind in the whole motivational issue. “Hey brain, I don’t need your mojo to lose weight because I am not at a gym or watching an exercise DVD so THERE”. I’m sure your readers have tons of tips. Even beginning with 5 pounds will help start clearing the fog (maybe the bad fog too) from your brain.
BTW, you do not whine. Two year olds whine. You are generous by allowing us insight into your world. Period.
I got yo glass slipper right here baby, and I Bedazzled it for you. Woot!
bejewell
Bears suck. They’re all “GRRR I’m so COOL becuz I’m a BEAR and I can EAT YOU” but I just look at them and think “Yuck, you’re just fat and slobbery and stuff, what makes YOU so special?” and so far, nobody has been able to answer that questions to my satisfaction. At least, nobody that’s still around.
bejewells last blog post..101 Thoughts on Life: A Letter to My Son
Jennifer S^N
I f^&*( hate being fat. I started going to yoga….it has helped my own mental health. I’m not suggesting that this is what you should do….you’re a highly intelligent girl you’ll know what to do at the right time. Some days I felt like unzipping the fat suit that was becoming painful to wear around. It sure as hell never helped my mood! But maybe a piece of Bumbleberry pie swimming in ice cream would? Want some?
lol @ lardass is the new black…
Sarah
I’m right there with you on the un-motivational aspect of it. I did really well in the first few weeks of January and then things flipped upside down somehow. Hopefully in the next week I’ll find it again. I know it’s around here somewhere…maybe under that huge pile of laundry.
Sarahs last blog post..If only it was a musical…
Sarah
I’m sorry. I was following the post well and then there was that line with foods crammed together and…well…I think I saw the word “chocolate” in there…mmmm…
Lol, but honestly, I’m sure that after your hibernation is over, you can get down to wherever you wanted to be weight-wise. Besides, doesn’t hibernation force you to burn your fat to keep sleeping?
Sarahs last blog post..The avocado box.
momranoutscreaming
It’s too damn cold to do anything but hole up and wait for spring. Everything I look at in the house is followed by the thought that I’ll take care of it when it gets warm. you’ll get there. don’t worry
Kellie
momranoutscreamings last blog post..A quickie
Jennifer
“the shit of life smears itself across my upper lip, forcing me to think the world smells like an asshole”
This is the BEST line ever.
Jennifers last blog post..Tag, I’m it
Tanya
awesome post, I think many women can relate to many subjects touched on.
Tanyas last blog post..PREPARATION
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why
Grrr baby! I’m rockin the hibernation this year. I feel you on the whole fat thing. I’ve been trying to lose weight since Christmas (read: not eating breakfast or lunch and skipping the fast food.) About 9 pounds down. Only 40 to go! If I could find the energy to get off the couch and exercise, I’d be unstoppable. Yeah. Right now the workout DVD makes me tired to watch. Plus? Hubs is all “you need to be doing something for your body” (BTW, to any mens reading this, that’s not a good way to get in with the womens, if you knowz what I means)
Bring on the pie. And my fuzzzy fleece blankie and the cartoons…
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..Best Valentine