Just for a moment.
Sometimes you have to give in. Sometimes you have to reach out. Sometimes? You have to do something just because your soul said, “Please, can we do this?”
Yesterday, we drove south for over an hour, on a whim, with a 15 month old in the back seat, just to look at something. Just to touch it for a few minutes. It was a Colonial home that was built circa 1900, on 10 acres. We drove south for over an hour, with baby snacks and juice and diapers and songs like “ABC” and “The Itsy Bitsy Spider,” because it’s for sale, and my heart ached to see it in person. Ached to stand on that old front porch.
John humors me like that because he loves me.
I was so at home standing next to the bubbling creek on the property… looking out over the rolling hills into the blue sky… with nothing commercial for miles and miles and miles. Just trees, bare of leaves. For now. But my mind’s eye could see their summer coats of shiny, green leaves, waving in the breeze.
Grass under my feet… I could imagine the stark contrast of the white stars against the black night sky that would happen on that spot in hours time. If I closed my eyes, I could see the garden I would plant on the acreage. I could hear my son playing and splashing in the pond, with a big dog that we’d have.
I wonder if John could hear the creak of the tire swing hanging from the tree in the front yard? Or see me sitting under the shade of the magnolia tree around back, reading a book, as the tree burst with fragrant white blossoms over my head. Maybe he could hear the birds singing, like I could. Maybe he was lost in that moment, too?
I guess sometimes you have to let your heart dream so hard that you let it drag you for miles and miles just to touch something with your own hands, just for a moment, even if it means your dream will fall and break at your feet.
We decided that it’s just too far away from the town we need to be close to.
So we drove all the way home again.
Between the Colonial and our (rented) home we talked about desire and life and money and old age. We touched on needs and hopes and the dreaded Practicality and Responsibility.
We breathed in life, we breathed out patience.
Braden screamed and fussed… he laughed, sang, and talked. He bucked, thrashed and complained, and at one point, he peed all over me.
Then we drove the rest of the way home, and I had cold piss all over the side of my shirt.
But I was happy.
When we got home, Braden ran all over the living room wearing nothing but a shirt and socks, laughing and screaming.
With stars in our eyes, we watched him run to the curtains and twirl himself up in them over and over again, giggling madly as he fell to the floor, then jumping up to do it all over again.
We breathed in life, we breathed out love. And it felt just right.
It was a great day.
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Veronica (Sleepless Nights)
I had a very very similar day. So similar that it is really scary.
Are you living my alternate life?
Veronica (Sleepless Nights)’s last blog post..More Random Mindless Drivel With Me Shouting SQUEEEEEE! In The Middle.
Jenty
Sounds lovely. I also wish we could live in the middle of nowhere somedays, but in this country it’s just too dangerous!
And your’e very lucky John takes you to places like that!!
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Bunny
The house sounds wonderful, but your family where ever it is sounds even more wonderful.
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Beth_C
Practicality and Responsibility are so annoying!
Sounds like a wonderful house but if I lived too far from a Target I may start twitching!
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Gordo
What an amazing day. We all need to dream and test the possibilities of life.
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Kim
Wow. I could hear the creek and smell the Magnolias. I wanna drive however far and see that house too!
I live that dream too. We rent and are happy, but long for more.
Enjoy these great days. Smile and laugh with that beautiful son. Someday you will have the joy you have now AND the Colonial, the stream and the Magnolia. (and maybe not the cold piss on your side!)
Kim’s last blog post..Even More Proof That I Am Completely Insane (or: No, Mommy is NOT Too Old For College)
Lilacspecs
Moments like that are wonderful, and in this day and age they’re few and far between. Glad you got to enjoy one today.
Lilacspecs’s last blog post..Of Pigeons, Class and Quorn
jennifer
Kids are great , it is amazing how many times a day they bring a smile on your face and joy to your heart.
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Josh
I know that story… the dream of seeing that idealistic homestead and excitedly dreaming how your life would be like a little house on the prairie meets Hudson River school painting with a dash of Norman Rockwell. And then you start to realize that the culture that you are escaping from, the draw of the urban, is a part of you that you cannot afford to separate yourself from.
Whatever you do, don’t read Wendell Berry during the trying times… he doesn’t help you desire to be close to the land.
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Lou Lohman
Sometimes you run into things that stop you dead in your tracks. Unexpected things that frighten you, or enthrall you or amaze you.
Your post is one of those things.
There is more of YOU in that one post than in all of the others of yours I’ve read, put together .
Thank you for opening that door and sharing that much of yourself with us.
That was lovely.
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Twitter: lceel
Don Mills Diva
That was a stunning piece of writing – so much good stuff in there. No wonder I look forward to your posts so much.
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Secret Agent Mama
Without the stars in our eyes, we can’t dream properly. Your dreams will turn to reality, just keep dreaming them!
<3
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Jodi
What a fabulous blog entry! I felt as though I was standing right there on the porch with you!
Keep that dream close to your heart.
Sadie
Sounds beautiful! I also have a dream of a similar house, and have the similar limitation of location and (mostly) money. One day I’ll have to do as you did!!
And don’t our kids seem to always make everything right just when we’d want to give in!!
*huggles* Keep dreaming!!
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witchypoo
Your post really set a mood. Well done, very well done!
I love reading your stuff.
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Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven
this is just absolutely lovely. How did you get to be so funny AND introspective…
BTW, I got all of the way through this lovely post and then was told to “Press the Fart Button”… Cracked me up!
Blessings,
K
Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven’s last blog post..One day, I may even get through the second row of my first knitting project
Marylin
what a beautiful post
dreams are hope and hope is always good to have in abundance. I would love for us to move into a house with a garden instead of living in this block of flats with people who you just wouldnt want to shake hands with
unfortunately there is no way that can happen atm. Practicality and responisbility are a bitch huh?
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Geggie
I love it!
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Dawn
aw:)
(and you don’t want to move farther from me anyway
)
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Eve
To sleep, perchance to dream. And here you are dreaming while wide awake. I, too, like to dream of a beautiful home set in acres of ground. The garden, the pond, the swing. All sounds so idyllic. Practicality’s a BITCH! It tells me I have not the strength nor the resources for such a place. The garden would need paid help to maintain it, as would the house. Money? Something set aside for my comfortable old age? You guessed it, Responsibility fell down on the job there. So I live with my kids who take care of the heavy, physical stuff, and I have a very small garden that doesn’t require too much effort to maintain. Sometimes alternatives can be quite wonderful, too.
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Maggie
You all have a really very super special thing going. Best of all, you aren’t afraid to appreciate it out loud. I love you more every day.
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Anglophile Football Fanatic
That sounds wonderful. What a great day. I thought you guys were hoping to move back here at some point?
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jill
i lived in a place like that. sometimes it was great. exactly what you said.. sometimes it was tough.. but a lot of the times it was great…
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Tasina
I think the best thing about your story is Braden being so happy at the end. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your big colonial or a rented house or an apartment or a trailer house. You have each other and that beautiful little boy who is just happy to be with you. We live in a tiny rented house and I’m perfectly OK with that. My kids have a warm, safe place to sleep, food to eat, and people who love them. I’d love a big house….someday….but I can only be happy with what I do have today.
Wow. That doesn’t even sound like me. I’m usually way more pessimistic and greedy.
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Lisa
Dreaming with your eyes open is the best way to dream.
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Rhonda
Ahhh – nice story. Isn’t it amazing how our dreams take us right back to reality where we realize the present is better than we could have ever imagined? I found myself for years searching for the greener blades of grass. Then I turned that age that allowed me to see the light: It just doesn’t get any better than this.
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Marie
If it makes you feel any better, it’s only a matter of time before they build a WalMart next door to it.
Marie’s last blog post..How to Make an Uncrustable
Sheila Octaviano
I always enjoy reading your blogs. This one is a different side of you, but so real! I had a wonderful picture while reading it. You made me think of the movie “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House”. (Cary Grant, Myrna Loy). It’s very cute if you ever want to watch it.
I had a circa 1900 old farmhouse when the boys were little and it was wonderful. We only had an acre and a quarter and it wasn’t way out in the country, but it was room enough for a big garden and the big dog (who was their personal bodyguard) and room for them to run and play and be boys, including a “clubhouse”. It was a rental and we had to move when it finally sold, but the kids still remember it and their times there. My youngest son used to cry when we drove past it after moving. He’s such a sentimental guy! I don’t miss the stairs now that I’m older, but I do sometimes miss the ‘feel’ of that house. Dream on until your dreams come true!
Jeanette
Great post.
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mommyknows
Great post!
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Jientje
This was beautiful! I enjoyed every word of this…
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Jennifer
Hold onto this memory. Great post!
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Kathryn
What a beautiful post. *sigh*
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Not Afraid To Use It
Nice that you guys can balance dreams with reality. My reality is that an hour’s drive will get me to the nearest Target. I know all about the singing/screaming and laughing/crying those trips entail. And the pee. Thank god for removable carseat covers.
Not Afraid To Use It’s last blog post..Th13: Thirteen Reasons We Should Move to D.C.
cajunvegan
Delightful and eloquent post … I could not help but think of these lyrics while reading your “dreamy” words:
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you.
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
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imaginary sarah
*grinning from ear to ear*
You already know what I think.
Also, I think Lou said it best. THIS is Lotus.
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Mariela
“We breathed in life, we breathed out love. And it felt just right.”
I love that phrase.
I’m glad you had a good time.
rachel
I’m with Mariela, I loved that phrase. It just resonates.
This whole post just resonates in my heart.
Beautiful honey. Careful… your letting your sweetness show, better throw out something sarcastic or you might be stripped of your title
I could feel the breeze, smell the grass and hear the babbling brook.
Loved this!!
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Kat
Sounds wonderful…cold piss and all.
I dunno…I might be willing to commute for that life.
Kat’s last blog post..Bad Mom
Tiffany
Beautiful, emotive, descriptive writing.
I was there with you.
It’s good to dream because often dreams become realities.
Tiffany’s last blog post..Escape with me.
Marlee
What a beautifully written post…(sigh)…
But, if it makes you feel any better, I had the same dream, lived it for a year, HATED IT, and moved right back into town. Now I lie down on the sidewalk of my city street and kiss it EVERY. DAY. (well, not really, but I THINK about doing it every day…)
Marlee’s last blog post..These Boots AIN’T Made for Walkin’…
Amanda
We used to do that a lot in Texas. There were some GORGEOUS houses in the small towns outside of the Dallas area. Especially north of Dallas, past Plano and closer to Sherman.
But we worked 12-hour night shifts, and a 1.5 hour drive one way was impossible. But boy, did we dream.
I never could bring myself to buy a home in one of those zero-lot subdivisions in the city, probably because I grew up in the country.
Maybe someday, you can buy a vacation home like that one, at least, and escape from everything at least twice a year.
I’m glad you had a good day.
Amanda
Also, I’m highly pissed that Top Momma booted you! My first registered e-mail on Blogger Choice was manually confirmed, so now I’m going to sneak on there a vote for you again, teehee.
Amanda
AND
Angie
For 3 years, literally, I did this same thing every weekend. All week I would look in the paper and find country properties, whether I could afford them or not, and drive to them and dream.
Finally, after 3 years, we drove to the land we have now, drove onto the property, got out, walked around and just ‘knew’. That was exactly 4 years ago.
Never stop dreaming about it and it will happen.
Angie’s last blog post..Manic
MommyTime
Yes, sometimes you have to reach out. And when those old houses call your name, how is it possible not to answer back? We lived in a 1920s farmhouse for two years, and on the day we moved–giddy with the anticipation of the baby I was carrying, excited about our bigger place, the great schools there, etc., etc.–I stood in the empty living room of that lovely old house and wept over having to leave it. We moved in large part because the commute was too long. But I know there are other houses, and other properties that sing out just as well. Keep looking, and you’ll find yours.
Thanks for invoking such great memories for my by reliving your own great day.
MommyTime’s last blog post..How to Get Your Buzz On: The Wine Tasting Party
Bill
I had a day like this a few years ago. it involved a house by some vineyards downstate. we waltzed through the grapes with a bottle of wine, drinking without glasses, laughing..the house was unoccupied and unlocked so we walked through it. it was empty except for the random piece of furniture an as the sun set and streaked through the western windows of the house we kissed and finished the wine. we don’t live there now, but a piece of it lives with us still….
Bill’s last blog post..I Gotta Have Faith And Mop Handles, But Mostly Faith
merrymishaps
Wow, that sounds beautiful, but I suppose living in the middle of nowhere can be a bit troublesome.
You’ll find something that fits your family!
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Megan H
This was very nice.
Megan H’s last blog post..Being David Hasselhoff
Allison (aka AngelGal)
Wow, sister—-
You can make me laugh, and now we know you can make me CRY! (Well, almost!)
I have something NEAR to this feeling every week as I deliver my Penny Savers. There’s a house on my route that has been empty since I started. No one lives there, there’s no furniture in there now (that I can see through the windows)…email me and I’ll tell you more. But each week I stand in front of there or pause somewhere within a few houses and just look at the place, wondering….and dreaming…I LOVE THAT HOUSE. And it’s right here in town. But I’m afraid too…
But we HAVE to get out of here somehow, also!
Like I said, email me and I’ll tell ya more, if you want
Your imagery was PERFECT, you could have a great flash fiction (rather, non-fiction, because it can be that too!
) piece if you worked on this one a little bit! 
Allison (aka AngelGal)’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #3 – First in 5 Years!
Alison
what a beautiful, well written post! That sounds like my dream home…where is it, I want to buy it!!
Alison’s last blog post..Our adoption journey, Part 2
Mackenzies Momma
oh how i long to own a house like that someday, though i fear that it won’t be anytime soon seeing as I will be starting school and taking on gadzillions of dollars of student loans to pay for the pre-vet med, and than the vet med courses before even having a place that i ‘settle’ in.
Mackenzies Momma’s last blog post..Snow pictures
river
Oh the dream! I want you to have that house! (they can just move the town a bit closer, can’t they?) I REALLY REALLY want you to have that house.
I have similar dreams. Every weekend I go through the Real Estate pages of our local paper and dream of the houses in there, one of which could be mine if only the lottery numbers were to match mine………
Kimberly
Beautiful post. I’m a big fan of old homes too. It’s my dream to buy an old farmhouse then renovate it back to its glory days.
Kimberly’s last blog post..The crying game
justmylife
You have to keep dreaming, without dreams you die inside!
justmylife’s last blog post..An update on the boy….