Keep in mind….
Things to keep in mind while trying to evict Kevin & Leroy:
1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.
2. Drink lots of water every day.
While coffee may be made using water, it does not count.
3. Healthy fats are things like avocado and olives, not doughnuts eaten while standing on or near a treadmill.
4. You will not turn into a Gremlin if you eat after midnight.
Your posterior will multiply to such degree, however, that even Gremlins will avoid being seen in public with you.
5. It is good to set goals.
It is NOT good to celebrate every hour that passes without gluttony by eating a piece of cake.
Or pie.
6. Increasing the amount of fiber in your diet will help you feel full.
Drinking large amounts of Metimusil is not the way to do this. Your toilet will not like you.
7. Vegetables are your friend.
Do not just “visit” them at the store, asking them how their day was. You actually need to take them home….
8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate. No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.
9. Apples are good for you.
Apple pie does not count. The same goes for sweet potatoes and pumpkins.
10. Eating a full breakfast early in the morning is a great way to jump-start your metabolism.
12.01am might technically be “the next day,” but it is not the time for breakfast. Also, chips and salsa is not breakfast.
11. You should aim to get in shape.
“Round” is not an acceptable shape.
12. I cannot stress how important it is to hydrate.
Put down the potato chips. I did NOT say carbo-hydrate.
13. Running after a Toddler will actually help you burn calories.
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….
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Kay
YES!! First comment! Ok, not to discourage, but pumpkin pie is relatively good for you, or shall I say, not horrible for you. It’s like the least caloric food, in relation to pie. I think it’s only like 200 cal per slice. Just saying, if you’re going to give into a craving, make it pumpkin pie.
Diet » Keep in mind….
[...] Here’s another interesting post I read today by Sarcastic Mom [...]
Lou Lohman
Good Morning, SM. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge .. Is she a go’er, eh? … Know what I mean?, Know what I mean? Eh?) Where are Monty Python when you need them?
I personally, vote for thinner women – although not too thin, mind you, not Twiggy thin, my Gawd no, she was SO thin, you know, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she looked like a zipper.
No, just thinner, as in, more svelt – smoother curves, but fewer bumps in the curves.
There are few things in the world sexier than the long sweep of line along a woman’s side to her hip.
Thank you, Lotus, now I’m stuck in this train of thought and it’s going to take me all day to get my mind back where it belongs.
Lou Lohman’s last blog post..This ain’t so bad …
Twitter: lceel
Kara - down to earth mommy
hmm I think maybe my rolls need some names too. then I might be better at sticking to these 13 ways of getting rid of them.
Oh and if you want to count lifting food as exercise make sure it is celery, you burn more calories chewing it than are in an actual stick. But this does NOT count if you drench it in Ranch or other assorted dips.
Kara – down to earth mommy’s last blog post..Nap time Pheromones
Melisa
To: Lotus
From: Melisa
Re: #6
Tell me, do you spend LOTS of time worrying about whether your toilet likes you? tee hee
Melisa’s last blog post..Shameless Plug
Hydes Like Us
What about Vodka Martini’s? Do olives count as vegetables? I think they do. In fact…I KNOW THEY DO- SO SHUT UP.
Hydes *sheepishly*
Hydes Like Us’s last blog post..13 Blog-olutions.
Di
I love visiting the blogs of the people like me who think posting midday on a Thursday is SO much cooler than posting Wednesday afternoon! Great post…you are now added to my blog-reading!!
Di’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen (Vol. 62)
Casdok
Wish i had a garbage disposal!!
AmyM
Well, I can tell you this… Kevin and Leroy’s extended family reunion is going on right here. And I can also tell you that their older sister Gertrude (AKA Ginormous Stomach Fat Roll) is a real b!tch.
AmyM’s last blog post..An attempt to clarify that will probably cause more confusion so you might want to just skip it altogether.
Jeanette
RE: #7 Vegetables are your friend unless you dip them in tons of ranch dressing….of course I NEVER do that….!
Jeanette’s last blog post..More Snow
Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven
You can always tell the moms with young toddlers – they are the ones with the ONE rockin’, well-toned arm.
Blessings,
K
Karla ~ Looking Towards Heaven’s last blog post..If loving these is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right
The Autumn Dahlia
I’ve been wondering why those vegetables never respond when I’m speaking to them. I guess they want MORE from this relationship. Needy, needy, needy.
The Autumn Dahlia’s last blog post..Need some puppy prayers
Michelle
Drinking metamucil might not be a great idea, but I’ve had great success with fiber capsules. They do make you feel fuller, and get the digestion moving. My doctor suggested doing it this way: for first week, take 1 in the morning and 1 at night; second week, 2 and 2, then third week, 3 and 3. That’s what I did, I’m still taking 6 a day, and have lost 30 lbs. in 6 months…not speedy, but very do-able. Just a thought….
HappyTT and Happy New Year!
Michelle’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #19: Resolution Revolution
FireMom
Oh, goodness. I had to laugh at this:
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….
Amen. AMEN!
FireMom’s last blog post..Project365 Should Be Project 366 This Year
Secret Agent Mama
I’m so with you, it’s not even funny. I’ll be getting rid of Prunella and Beatrice (Kevin and Leroy’s cousins) soon, too!
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..In Related Davey News
Keely
Great advice! I especially like #7.
Keely’s last blog post..Day 2 of 365
Twitter: Keely
Tasina
14. While stapling one’s lips shut might help, it’s unattractive and makes kissing painful to others.
15. It took a while to get this way and it’s going to take a while to get back. Don’t get frustrated too soon.
Tasina’s last blog post..Blogging 2007 Style
Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants
I love ya, Honey!
Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants’s last blog post..Jerry Seinfeld & Fussy -BFFs
Patti
Can’t. Breathe. L.M.A.O. These posts about Kevin and Leroy are freakin’ hilarious!!! OMG!! You are braver than I!! Good luck with the eviction process!!!
Patti’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #9 – All About Me – A
Jeanette
I love the list LMAO!
The celebration bit on #5 sounds like what I do.
Says me, sitting here looking like I’m still pregnant!
Jeanette’s last blog post..13 things I love about being a parent
Twitter: jenty
janet
fred and ethel are going to be heading on the first train out of town.
right after i finish my pie.
janet’s last blog post..Snow bunnies
Twitter: planetofjanet
Kat
I like big BUTS
and I cannot lie
you other brotha’s can’t deny
when a girl walks in
with a little Kevin & Leroy
and a big but in your face
you get SPRUNG.
Kat’s last blog post..Little Earthquakes
Anglophile Football Fanatic
You are a cult classic now. Everybody has named back fat in your honor. And, as Heidi Hyde pointed out, our names are all redneck names for our area of the country. We are all too lowly to hang with you now, Lotus.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..WW #18: Boys with Toys
Penelope Anne
What do you mean round is not an acceptable shape???? I am so in trouble.
Awesome theme this week!
Penelope Anne’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen Volume 14: Goals for 2008
Tanya
hahahaha this made me laugh. Exactly how I feel at the moment. It’s all fine until you pull your bathers out of the wardrobe after winter and realise that there is no way they are going to fit you! Now I have to start getting in shape…
Tanya’s last blog post..Songs with emotion
Dawn
LOL! Brilliant!
Dawn’s last blog post..Unwritten
alala
What if I glue my coffee cup to a bowling ball?
alala’s last blog post..follow-up
cajunvegan
Cheetos are not what’s for breakfast either. Somehow, I don’t think my rolls, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, have figured that out yet either.
Freakin’ hilarious, TT!
Check out the Freaks and Geeks from I Read Banned Books at my TT this week. It’s bannedalicious!
cajunvegan’s last blog post..Freaks and Geeks (TT 27)
witchypoo
I’ve named mine Sigfried and Roy, but doubt a tiger would want to eat one of them.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Ask witchypoo: Purple Plates
Veronica
What about pear shaped, is that acceptable?
Veronica’s last blog post..My Daughter Is Getting Funnier, I However Am Not.
Melissa
Ok, so we can do this together! Mass eviction notices for everyone!
For some reason, I don’t have the back fat, just the front fat, so I only need one name. I think I’ll name mine “Lucinda”.
Melissa’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen, Redux Edition
SadieCass
OMFG!!! I’m laughing my ass off!!
No…wait…it’s still there. Damn. Back on the treadmill.
SadieCass’s last blog post..The Old Crone with a Hormonal Imbalance
Twitter: sadiecass
LifeAsIKnowIt
Sweet potatoes are good for you.
Aren’t they?
Like the sweet potatoe fries I’m about to make….;)
me
I’m just an all-around great gal. Fred on one side, George on the other, and even someone (unnamed as yet) in the front. And too damn old for anyone to think I’m pregnant.
I just celebrated the beginning of my diet with a brownie.
I love to read a blog that makes me laugh out loud!
me’s last blog post..it’s always something
Minkydo
Those are great. I think I need to save this post and use it as a reminder.
Eve
So glad I stopped by. I was worrying about you earlier – I was afraid Kevin and LeRoy would invite all their friends to come live with them. This is never pretty! I think my rolls must be M and M – peanut, plain or almond. That’s where they originated. Or maybe they’re potatoes and gravy, or perhaps macaroni and cheese. OH, NO!!! It’s a freakin’ convention and it’s taking place where my nice, flat tummy used to reside. =(
Eve’s last blog post..New Year, New Look
Innkeeper
I love blogs that make me laugh out loud!
What’s wrong with round? I’m an all-around great gal–Kevin and Leroy’s cousins Fred and Ricky are here on each side, Ethel’s out front and…. “Loooo-see! Where’s Loo-see?” Oh, there she is, bringing up the rear, so to speak.
So I’m sitting here with all of my friends, celebrating the beginning of an attempted diet by eating a brownie.
Innkeeper’s last blog post..it’s always something
Queen of Shake Shake
#8 is my problem. Facehole clean up…BADDD. Must remember this!
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..The Gift of Paranoia
3 Day Diet » 3.4 - Keep in mind….
[...] Here’s another interesting post I read today by fadyllan [...]
imaginary sarah
I personally feel it is my duty to lift the reputation of the lowly rutabaga by becoming its shape.
14. It is healthy to talk to old friends every once in awhile. Nudge nudge?
imaginary sarah’s last blog post..Actual conversations, Part Three
MommyTime
Yes, yes, YES! I finally figured out that there are actually calories in the left-overs on kids’ plates. Also: Does writing letters to your veggies count? I’ve spent an awful lot of time trying to explain to the kids that we don’t bite our friends…
MommyTime’s last blog post..Working Out Preschool Style
Nana
See you left yourself open with #7…
It is not good enough to just take them home…you must lure them into the kitchen for slaughter and feast!
(If not – you could just take them home and start your own Veggietales family!!)
Great list – good luck and happy TT!
Nana’s last blog post..Crazy…
Suzanne
If you had kept #2 until #13, you might have convinced me, but screw it – I’m not givin’ up the coffee. You can just kiss my backfat on that one. Pucker up an’ square ya off an acre, baby.
Besides, I think my twins snuck a lease-to-own contract by me back when I found out I was pregnant with #1…20 years ago!
I will, however, be happy to root for you and drink your coffee. I know…I know…but that’s what friends are for.
Suzanne’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #1
Dawn
ahahahahahahahaha
Dawn’s last blog post..Post Traumatic Christmas Disorder – Hello Baby
Offshore Wifes Life » Dieting Tips From A Mom
[...] go read Sarcastic Mom’s tips on dieting. Hilarious but oh so [...]
river
What about all that walking to and from the fridge. Does that count as exercise?
Oddly enough I eat heaps of fibre, I really love fruit and vegetables, and breakfast is good healthy full of fibre porridge, plus I walk to and from work, and still……the 15kgs refuses to shift.
Barbara from Nova Scotia
Fabulous post! Love it!
Barbara from Nova Scotia’s last blog post..Last Night
justmylife
10 is my biggest problem! I don’t over eat, well mostly don’t, my problem is forgetting to eat! And when I remember to eat, it is like potato chips, cookies, whatever is quick and easy. Good Luck with the eviction, I hear it is a time consuming project. I need to evict a few troubled, lumpy, bumpy and lazy “tenents” too.
justmylife’s last blog post..My parents are building a new house and I can’t wait to go “shopping”
Bill
“8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate. No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.”
Note: One should not try to clean it up with any other holes on their body.
“1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.”
Unless your eating 25 lb frozen Turkeys. Great for trapezius muscles and shoulders.
Bill’s last blog post..Oh What Fun It Is To Ride In A One Horse Open Slay
Stephen
I’m sure I read somewhere that drinking lots of beer made you thin as well. As you can believe everything you read, I’m going out tomorrow night to get drunk.
Yip my body’s a temple, it just got a large roof.
Nicholas
Vegetables are the spawn of Beelzebub! To be shunned at all costs!
Nicholas’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #39
IAAdmin
LOL…………..You’ve hit the nail on the head with all of your ideas. Is thirteen your lucky number?