Lead with your ass…
And follow with a smile.
That’s the motto for my life from the very first day on.
Today is the day when I pushed my ass out of the darkness and into the light, 32 years ago.
In keeping with the trend, I give you 10 assholish things about myself… in the hopes that at least one will make you smile.
Why 10? Well, I was going to do 32 (one for each year I’m old), but…
- I’m a lazy douche.
- I forget people’s names. I remember faces, but I am clueless about names. If we ever meet, please tell me who you are and why I know you. Or just avoid me because I’m a jerk.
- Children who are rude in public push me one step away from being a child abuser. I want to pop their little heads off. I know that they are just children, but yeah. (Don’t worry, I want to kill their parents, too. Wait, is that good or bad?)
- I have a blogsite (duh) where I spend post after post just talking about myself. Sometimes I even make lists of things about myself. It’s all about ME.
- I am married to a country music guitarist. I hate vomit at the sound of dislike country music.
- I would shower more, but I don’t feel like it. It’s not ALL about water conservation. I’m just lazy.
- When Braden was born, I thought the other babies in the nursery where fugly. I was so glad he was not. (Because baby switching is TRICKY!)
- Made a bet with John on something last night and told him, “If you’re right, you can have 10 blowjobs.” We looked it up. He was right. I smiled. While he was celebrating loudly I said, “You were right, you can have 10 blowjobs… on your 50th birthday, and I’ll pay for the hooker.” Yeah, I’m a sore loser like that. Plus, I’m lazy (refer to #1).
- I totally fluff the covers after I cut one.
- I am overly emotional, highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, often highly critical of others, especially those close to me. Do you have a problem with that? Does it make you dislike me? It DOES, DOESN’T IT? I knew it! You’ve always been out to get me. You should worry more about your own problems, you know? You have PLENTY of them – would you like a list?
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Kristie
LOVE, LOVE numbers 8 and 9!!
Why??
Because I do the same thing!! ha ha! So your post was successful, you had me ROFLMAO!!
Congrats, you made my day, I thought I was the only one that did those things!
Kristies last blog post..Happy Fall, Y’all!!
Roxanne
Hey, I just came across your blog a few days ago, and I love it! You are too funny! Number 8 cracked me up.
Happy birthday!
Krista
Ha ha ha ha ha Happy Birthday!
Can I ask, is your husband a guitarist for a famous country person on tour and is that why he’s gone so much?
Will you hate me if I tell you I love country and I’d love to know who he plays with?
Kristas last blog post..Ze Ballet
Veronica
#11 You are terrible at replying to emails. I totally emailed you to say happy birthday this morning. Where is my kudos for remembering?
Hmmph.
Happy Birthday hun! I hope it was lovely and you weren’t *too* ill.
Veronicas last blog post..Pokey feet, strange weather and spiders
Veronica
Gah, replace my was* with is* considering it’s only just gone the 27th there!
Suzanne
Happy Birthday! You know, you wouldn’t be as endearing to us if you were normal, so celebrate leading with your ass!
Side note: I saw the picture up top and said to myself “Man, I thought Braden looked more like John, but that picture? He’s all Lotus!” Duh!
You crack me up, lady!
Suzannes last blog post..Suzanne’s Soundtrack Sunday
Mandy/Mommy Cracked
Happy Birthday you crazy woman!
Mandy/Mommy Crackeds last blog post..Good Deals & Smart Steals
Missives From Suburbia
LMAO!! Happy birthday, darlin’!
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..Need Ideas For Your Christmas List, Ladies?
Mr Lady
Happy birthday, goofball.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Just Another Memey Monday
Gattina
I only hope you don’t THINK with this part of your body, lol !
Gattinas last blog post..
Michelle
Happy, Happy Birthday
Taz
happy bday
Tazs last blog post..53 Weeks Old
river
Nah, I still luvs ya.
P.S. I like country music. Trisha Yearwood is my all time favourite.
stephanie
Happy birthday, Lotus! Hope it’s fabulous!
stephanies last blog post..At least the moms got a day off
sherendipity
Happy Birthday!!
sherendipitys last blog post..I want Kate Davis to be my new best friend.
Amy
Hope you have the best of birthdays!!!
Amys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday ~ Sister Love
Jeanette
LOL! Happy birthday!! Hope it’s a good one
Jeanettes last blog post..Weekly Winners : 19 Oct – 25 Oct
Twitter: jenty
Average Jane
Happy Birthday! Hope you get to spend all day doing whatever you want.
Average Janes last blog post..Average Jane is Very Tired
Ashlie- Mommycosm
For starters, my daughter lead with her ass…never thought of it in those terms. I like it. (Tangent: They poked said ass for about an hour trying to figure out if her head was down. End result = emergency c-section…and the moment they pulled her out, she pooped all over them and my insides…got a nasty infection about a week later.)
LOVE #8. I have lost that bet in the past…but didn’t have a witty response. My husband is still bitter that I didn’t follow through. Hilarious.
Oh, and…Happy Birthday!
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Haiku Friday: LolCat
Kay
Happy Birthday!
Angie S
Happy Birthday sweetie. I hope that today is full of happiness and all the wonderful things you deserve.
Kumiko
Happy Birthday!!!
You are too funny!!!
Kumikos last blog post..Thats It… I’ve had enough! (Adult Language)
A Whole Lot of Nothing
If you hadn’t put in the country music guitarist line, I would have accused you of stealing my list.
I think we’re long lost almost-twins. Except for that month between our birthdays. Buuut… I have heard of twins not being born on the same day. I’m doing some research.
Happy Birthday, num-nuts!
A Whole Lot of Nothings last blog post..THE HOTNESS That is My Sexy Interweb Girlfriend
Angella
Happy, happy birthday!
Secret Agent Mama
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOTUS!
I’m so glad that someone else uses blow jobs as currency!
Connie
Happy B-Day Lotus~hope you have a great day! Cute list!
Connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=October 19-25 2008
Daddy Joe
Why do all woman relish in the fact that they do #9 and then get pissed when we do it back to them? Hmmph!
Great post Lotus, and Happy Birthday!!
Daddy Joes last blog post..Where are my running partners?
~Sheryl
Happy Birthday, girlie! Enjoy your day!
~Sheryls last blog post..Greemblepix – October
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Happy birthday, asshole!
#8? I made an offer like that to Wally if he made me a self-hosted blog and maintained it and all I had to do was blog at it. Notice I’m still at Blogger. humpft!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..So I lied. This IS a monarchy
Avitable
Happy birthday!
Avitables last blog post..T Minus five
Lisa
First….HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Second…I’m so with you on #2, well #2 on your post =) Rude, disobeying children drive me nuts. That’s why I never take mine anywhere ;o)
cartoongoddess
Happy Birthday!
pgoodness
Happy Birthday!!
pgoodnesss last blog post..Sunday Randomness
Twitter: Pgoodness
Anna Ellis
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL PREGO LOTUS FLOWER…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOUU!!
I’m glad you didnt have to witness the singing in person, cause i think you might have ran away! haha!
I hope you have a great birthday!
Michelle
happy birthday girlie!
And I can sadly relate to/resemble #1, 2, 3, 4, 8 & 10
Michelles last blog post..Monday
Gaby
Happy Birthday!
Gabys last blog post..Foto del dia!
Anu
Happy Birthday. You crack me up.
Anus last blog post..Runner’s high
Miss Britt
Happy Birthday.
(My name is Britt)
Miss Britts last blog post..I’m sure everyone had an ugly duckling phase, right? RIGHT?!?!
lceel
It’s been my experience that women never pay off on the blowjobs. One way or another, they find a way out. On the other hand (ooo, bad pun), the mouth to mouth masturbation thing works out nicely – for both parties, if you can get her into it.
lceels last blog post..Something eerie this way comes ….
Twitter: lceel
MP
Happy Happy Birthday!!
MPs last blog post..Shall We Play A Game?
Joyce-Anne
Happy Birthday!!!! I adore that shot of Braden–he definitely is King of the World.
I think I originally found you through Suzanne (suzannesez).
Joyce-Anne
Oops, I meant to post that at Sunday’s post. My bad?…
Anyway, I loved this list and could identify with number 6.
Becky Y
Ha! Happy Birthday!
Becky Ys last blog post..Pumpkin Pickers
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Ha ha ha…LOVE #8!!! Jay & I have bets like that quite often.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOTUS!!!
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Weekly Winners – October 19 – 25, 2008
Twitter: mommy_wins
Sammanthia
Happy birthday! Hope it’s a great one!
Sammanthias last blog post..Weekly Winners… The Things We Do For Love
Eve
I, unfortunately, have my own list. I do not share it with others, nor refer to it often. I prefer to be blissfully ignorant (or at least pretend that I am.)
Eves last blog post..Birthday Party
Special K
Didn’t you know? All the other babies in the nursery are ALWAYS fugly and yours is the only beautiful one! It is a phenomenon, so don’t be shocked when it happens to you again!
Jenny
Happy Birthday Lo! Hope its great!
Holly Jahangiri
Happy birthday, Lotus.
I’m seriously trying not to say “ass” on my own blog; although, honestly, if you read the post “Sunday Stupidity” (just prior to the one I linked to here) – you’ll be amazed at my self-restraint.
I made a list of 100 GOOD things about me – I suppose it’s about time to fess up to the – naaah, everyone KNOWS those already.
Holly Jahangiris last blog post..Monday Morning Coffee
Holly Jahangiri
Oh, yeah, this one…
Holly Jahangiris last blog post..Sunday Stupidity
Tracey
AWESOME post! Happy Birthday Lotus!!!
Traceys last blog post..Nervous Twitch
Ryan
I am like you, lazy, but rarely a douche… so I certainly didn’t take the time to make sure that someone else hasn’t already commented about your #6. That is something they don’t tell you before you get married, and something I have been meaning to blog about soon. Someone along the way should say: “Oh yeah, and you guys will stop showering. Unless, you really stink, or get pissed on, and maybe not even then if the baby wipes are scented.”
Happy Birthday, glad I found your blog. I was going to participate in your photo thing, but again I’m lazy and have no idea how to follow rules
Ryans last blog post..Daydreams from the Wife
Lottifish
Happy Birthday! Hope it’s a great one!
(and I totally fluff the covers too!)
Lottifishs last blog post..2008 Jack-o-Lantern
Talina
Fun list and quite a creative way to tell us it is your birthday. Happy happy birthday!
Talinas last blog post..Trying to have a home birth in Evansville, Indiana…
Twitter: TalinaN
Barbara Baker
Great Post….Happy Birthday Lotus!!!!! I wish I had half the sense of humor that you invoke!!!!
-Barb
Athena
Happy Birthday my beautiful sister. Yeah, you’re still beautiful, even with a list like that. You should see MY list. Mine is to scary to publish. It’s written in blood on a sheet of muslin hidden under the floorboards under the washing machine in the utility room. shhhh.
xxoo
~A
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Krista,
If I can marry into it, I surely won’t hate you for liking it.
John plays lead guitar for Chris Cagle.
Lotus:)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Veronica,
While that IS true (I suck at email), in my defense, this is the first time in about 24 hours that I’ve been online at all, and I haven’t even SEEN your email yet!
But I <3 you endlessly for sending it.
Lotus:)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Karleigh
Umm, neither myspace nor my phone reminded me it was your birthday, therefore I am a bad friend. 10 says you judge me anyway, so I give you permission to go right along and continue judging me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Oh, and by the by, your blog is NOT all about you, it’s all about Braden, der.
I also don’t shower because I’m lazy, and everyone judges me for it. WHY??? You get away with it!!! I want a baby just so I have an excuse not to shower.
I LUV U!
Jenny from Mommin' It Up!
Happy BIRFDAY Lotus! You are like, 11 months older than me, and from the looks of your pretty face, I thought you were 4 or 5 years YOUNGER than me, so NOW I AM HAPPY, you made my day by being older, even though it is YOUR BIRFDAY. You are SO GIVING LIKE THAT! (but not to John apparently, heh heh.) Hope you had a great day girlie!!
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..It is Finished.
Twitter: jennyitup
Christina
Happy birthday, and thanks for letting us get to know you better! (Although I’m not sure I wanted to know #8, LOL)
Christinas last blog post..Amazed At Democracy
Maggie's Mind
Happy Birthday, funny girl! And I think it’s fun that I’ve your husband work because I do love me the country music.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 10/26/2008
Tranny Head
Your hubby does COUNTRY?!? I never would have guessed that in a million years.
Happy birthday, hawtie.
Tranny Heads last blog post.."Dear Tranny Head" – Questions on
diane
Read your blog & love it, but never comment cause I’m a lazy douche too! Since its your birthday I figure I would post a “Happy Birthday!” Cheaper than a card & saves paper! Yeah, the saving paper thing has rubbed off!
Hope you enjoy your birthday!
~di~
Jamie
Cute cute baby you were!
Happy Birthday you young thing you!!
Jamies last blog post..Treats For My Peeps
Kat
Happy Birthday, crackhead!!!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmwa.
Kats last blog post..Motherhood Moments #2
janelle
happy birthday…we sound a lot alike….no wonder i love reading your blog!
janelles last blog post..From the Mouth of a Babe….
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Naija Business
Happy Birthday! You are quite a funny mom. Gave me enough points to giggle and laugh. You have a humorous way of describing yourself and your activities.
Naija Businesss last blog post..Nigerian Blogger Arrested!!!
WriterMom - Babysitting Co-Op
I can relate to number 2. In fact, I had a woman come up to me once and carry on a conversation with me. I recognized her face but couldn’t remember her name. Finally, I just came right out and asked her, “What’s your name? I can’t remember.” Of course she told me and then went on chatting as if it didn’t bother her. Now my husband teases me when someone comes up and starts talking to me. He tells them, “Don’t worry, if she doesn’t remember your name, she’ll ask. One thing’s for sure, he’s right.
WriterMom – Babysitting Co-Ops last blog post..Tips for a Safe Halloween
Elaine
I am here to wish you a VERY belated Happy Birthday. I hope it was a good one! Love the picture of you! And Love the list too!
Elaines last blog post..Napa/San Jose Trip Part 3