Looking back over my shoulder, and then towards the horizon.
So, I’m still thinking a lot about how much time I spend being a Momma, and how much time I get to just be me. And the disparity. And how I need to manage that better, and have help doing so.
Thinking about what I need to be a mentally healthy, happy person.
Thinking about how I need to carve out something that’s my own, and to myself. You know, time for me to just step to the side, alone, and say, “Leave me alone right now. I need to just be me for a little while.”
I LOVE this gig as mother and wife, don’t you DARE get me wrong. But, people, I am MORE than that.
see…
Before my son and my husband, I actually existed and had interests and desires! Oh. My. Gah.
I was this functioning, complex, driven person before a human being was thrust forth from my nethers.
I was a dreaming, aspiring, determined to go and do and become! person before I ever heard that sweet Texan drawl on the other end of the phone line back in 2001.
Who I am and the direction I’ve been pointed in has changed in so very many ways in the past several years. The way the wind has blown for me has constantly changed, it has whipped me this way and that, and I was lucky enough to be able to let myself float along with that ferocious breeze.
You see, some time ago, I said, “Self?”
And My Self said, “Yup, Loter?”
And I said, “Self, I’m kinda scared, because I had all these really specific plans for Us. And, um, Self, things might go weird if We grab ahold of this sail and let the wind whip Us somewhere else.”
And My Self just leaned back and said, “Hmm, is that so?”
And I said, “Yeah, Self. I’m really kinda scared. But I think it might be interesting, too.”
And My Self raised an eyebrow and said, “Ya think?”
And I said, “Yeah, I do. And that We might regret it if We let that sail pass Us by.”
And My Self? Well, it just smiled and said, “Well, then, what are We waiting for?”
And we grabbed the sail. And we let the wind fill it and carry us away from all of our special plans. And it showed us lots of other things we never knew were in store for us.
Very many good things have befallen this lady’s self. A few bad things have trampled on her, as well. And she has learned very much about Her Self.
And now? I’ve been doing this thing right here for a little over nine months. That’s right, this website has gestated for a complete term, and it is… well, it’s helping me birth the realization that I am actually DOING some things here that I have a talent for! (Right? Please tell me I’m not completely delusional.) and which I thoroughly ENJOY!
The photos, the writing, the sharing, philosophizing, and pondering out loud, with wordage, to all of you.
I feel I am becoming something better. I feel I am finding my place in the world.
And people, I can’t let anything stop me. It’s time for some serious time-management strategies. Momma’s got a job here on Teh Internets, ya’ll. And even though it pays little more than extreme satisfaction at the ability to create, and do, and even become!, Momma is gonna stick with it, folks.
My Self and I? We just bought a compass.
47 comments
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Michelle
Glad You and Self decided on this gig on the internet. Found you through Fussypants a few months ago, probably not long after you started, and have been following the ups and downs of your family life: laughing when you’re funny, crying when you’re sad, smiling at your boys, reading your dreams and joys…almost sounds like marriage vows! (Just kidding about the vows.) Look foward to continuing to follow you on your journey.
Taz
Taz’s last blog post..Weekly Winners..
Yvie
Hi. This is a great entry! It is great to be a Mom. And I feel I have added more excitement and more purpose in my life. It’s part of the fun of it all.
Talina
This post made me smile! Keep writing and doing what makes you feel good. Don’t worry too much about all the rest. Things work out the way they are supposed to whether you believe it or not… Life is sneaky like that!
Talina’s last blog post..Updates and breaking news!
Twitter: TalinaN
Rachael
What a great post! I know how you feel – I suddenly realized that my blogging has become a MAJOR outlet for me, and will be a great outlet until I have time an energy to start writing stories etc. again. Plus I love the community and reading other blogs like yours. I’m glad you’ve found your Self again!
Rachael’s last blog post..Prosthetic scrotums and other things that annoyed me this week
Twitter: rachael1013
Mommy Cracked
Your Self and My Self sound very much alike indeed. I’m glad you have this outlet…I enjoy reading your thoughts and seeing B’s cute little pictures each week. Tell Your Self she is doing a mighty fine job.
Mommy Cracked’s last blog post..Olive Kids Review and Giveaway
Kara - down to earth mommy
My Self and I are still trying to find the thing that will take the place of all the special dreams we had before mommy hood. Of course maybe the dreams are just on hold until the kiddos are out or atleast older.
I’ve always thought you should do something with your photography. so amazing.
Kara – down to earth mommy’s last blog post..Hairspray Hoarding
river
Catch the wind and hold on tight. Happy sailing.
Veronica
I don’t know what to say. But be assured anything I did say would be lovely.
I am just a bit stuck today.
Veronica’s last blog post..Dear Nathan…
MizFit
I have SOOOO lost my edge.
sad.
this week? methinks Im bleaching the bottom of my hair platinum.
may not help me find my mojo but Ill be laughing regardless.
MizFit’s last blog post..Monday (sort of blurry) Facetime
frogpondsrock
yay…
frogpondsrock’s last blog post..weekly winners
Colleen
Well freakin’ cool. Can’t wait to find out where the wind takes you this time.
A good friend and I are planning our own Web design/development business, but its a little slow to take off.
Cuz we’re so busy with this MOM thing ya know. :O)
Twitter: mommy_wins
Tammy
Fantastic post!
And yes I really like the profile photo on your twitter page!
Tammy’s last blog post..Moment for ME Monday
Alison
This is a great post! I really enjoy what you have to share with us and that it is always so honest and upfront! Thank you for honoring us with yourself!!
Alison’s last blog post..Jenny’s Light
A Whole Lot of Nothing
Yeah for someone FINALLY saying they’re STICKING with blogging and NOT leaving! You are the best at it, Miss.
A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..eDrama
Lou Lohman
Lotus, it is so hard to realize that you’ve only been at this for 9 months. You are so accomplished and your audience is SO LARGE. Of course, the advantage you have over me is that you can post pictures of THE RACK anytime you want to and pick up readers willy nilly. Nobody wants to see pictures of old, fat, bald guys. But, that said, you are indeed, one of the very best at this and I would offer this to you, in homage. Write. Write a book. Your unique outlook and view and personality and elan will be a welcome and fresh voice that many, many people will want to read. People that don’t blog. People that don’t even own a computer. (Yes, there are people like that – and THEY need you, too.) Write, Lotus. Write.
Lou Lohman’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge – Ultimate
Twitter: lceel
HRH
You are not even close to dilusional. Love it.
HRH’s last blog post..Monday potluck: please lay down on this couch…
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)
I can totally relate and you have worded it perfectly!
KD (A Bit Squirrelly)’s last blog post..Public Broadcasting, WALL-E, Thunder and Lightning, Mudbugs, SO RANDOM!
Secret Agent Mama
I’m happy to share this place with you!! <3
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..What Dads Think
Michelle
I think I sort of remember there being an interesting, fun me prior to being a mommy.
Michelle’s last blog post..35 weeks
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas
You are one talented woman. Don’t leave us!! I’m so used to looking at photos of Bradon I don’t know what I’d do now without them.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..At Sea
Twitter: amy2boys
Sarah
Very cool!! It’s always good to come to realizations about ones-self!! I’m glad you’re sticking around…and yeah time management is a bitch
But you’ll figure it out…we’re all trying to figure it out!!
Sarah’s last blog post..The Best Friend I’ve Never Met
Twitter: sadiecass
Jennifer S^N
Lotus,
Thank you for this post and this site that YOU created…..I can completely relate to your words today and I felt compelled to let YOU know that…….the really wonderful thing about this bloggin’ thang is that YOU are showing the world YOU…..YOU don’t have to be anyone else but YOU! I admire that and you inspire me to move forward being not only a mother but a person too…(I think it is easy to forget who I am some days!)
On that note, I have to run…the child is using her cereal milk bowl to wash her hands -LOL,
BLOG ON! Woman….you do more than just write – you genuinely, sincerely, and honestly help other people just by being YOU! Wow – now isn’t that talent?!?
Have a great day!
Jennifer S^N’s last blog post..Adventures in June.
Manic Mom
I relate to you on this subject. I am trying to find me. I was pregnant at 18, so I never had a life without kids. I am trying to find out who is Manic Mom. That is why I write about my past as well as my present in my Blog. Off to play Detective!
Manic Mom’s last blog post..Firecracker Talapia
Laura@StorytellinMama
This is the quintessential dilemma for us moms!
Great post! You expressed it so well.
Finding balance… and avoiding being swallowed up, I know for me when the time for my own interests an identity are in place I am so much happier and better at being a mom and wife.
Laura@StorytellinMama’s last blog post..Howdy Pardner!
In the Trenches of Mommyhood
Congrats on the jobby job! Can’t wait to continue following you on your journey!
In the Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..Why He’ll Never Be a Sommelier
Queen of Shake Shake
Great post! I’ve lost my balance and can’t find the beam. Doesn’t keep from looking though.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Things I May Do Instead of Going to BlogHer
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)
Yay for your Self. My Self is happy you’re sticking around.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Happy Belated Anniversary To Me
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children
I get this. I totally crediting my blog with bringing ME back. What did moms do before the Internet and blogging??
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..I refuse to admit whether I cried when I saw Thomas
MP
Keep it up chicky
MP’s last blog post..Weekend Update and Movie Reviews
Meghan
I just sort of stumbled upon you a couple of months ago, and have been enamored ever since. I enjoy your rants, and thoughts. I say You and Self made the right decision. Stick with it, because you touch a lot of people!
Special K
Well I for one am glad you discovered blogging, and like others, can’t believe you haven’t been doing it even a year yet!
You are a born natural kiddo! Keep up the good work!
Special K’s last blog post..Did ya think I’d crumble? Did ya think I’d lay down and die?
Kelly
Balance is important, but it is also very difficult to achieve. I am still trying to find balance as I transition from being a career woman to a stay at home mom.
Kelly’s last blog post..Micro Blogging and Baby
Miss Britt
It is amazing what having The Blog has done for helping me rediscover ME. I don’t think I would have moved, or gone to NYC, or done a whole heck of a lot of things if I hadn’t started this gig.
Now… I want to hear about this JOB.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..In Love and In Place
Tracy D
That is effing awesome. You totally wrote what I think to myself about my Self. Keep writing! You rock…
Tracy D’s last blog post..Miscellany
Hockeyman
You are one cool ass person! I hope someday that self of yours buys you the Dyson!
Hockeyman’s last blog post..Thats Just Me and I Know Why
Shamelessly Sassy
Um, I like that you call yourself Loter. Most likely, all future references from me call you that. haha.
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Confession: I Hate Birth Stories.
Eve
Good for you! I look forward to reading about the two of you for many months to come.
Eve’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Personal Quirks
LaskiGal
Great that you are sticking with it. You are carving out a place for yourself as a woman, an individual, not just a mother or wife. I think many of us struggle with this, now you have found out where you want to be.
LaskiGal’s last blog post..One of THOSE days
» Where I ramble on and lose your interest.
[...] So, I wanted to make a clarification after yesterday’s post. [...]
Jenski
This losing drive and ambition to pursue something I want and value equally as much is what I fear from a future life. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and showing that you do not lose anything, it just gets redefined and improved.
Jenski’s last blog post..Funny ironic (not funny haha)
Filippa Svensson
Hi there, I got to tell you that you have some great postings and obviously you have some great talent for taking pictures. the posted picture are just awesome and you really inspired me to take a photo session/class that I have been talking about for the past 10 years
Keep up the good work !
» Another little boy I once spent a lot of time with.
[...] point right now reminds me nostalgically, and somewhat painfully, of a time in my life when I had a very similar decision to [...]
sara
Have you read Rebecca Wolff’s “From Wild To Child” (Girls Gone Child website)? A lot of what she said nearing the end of the book about losing oneself when becoming a mama hit home for me. My husband and I got married in December, bought a house in March, had a baby in October 2005 and then another in April 2007. We’ve lived life on the fast track (we’re old, we had to). But somewhere along the way, I HAVE lost myself it seems. I am not Sara anymore. I know she’s down in there somewhere, but she’s hidden … and I don’t like that. I’m not as happy as I once was and it’s not just a disservice to me, but to my kids and husband as well. They deserve a whole me… not just the mama me and the wife me. Your post reminded me again to reclaim myself!
Rebecca
O.k., I’m all caught up now.
What blows my mind is that you’ve only been doing this NINE MONTHS?
Holy cow, girl.
I’ve been blogging for about a year, and I’m “feeling” some growing pains related to the fact that real people are reading my blog. I can’t imagine having over 700 people access my feed in a day. I had 15 two days ago and 14 yesterday — and about 60 total readers via the feed and all other methods. That’s wild enough.
And about the “me time”? That, my friend, you totally deserve… I know your husband travels quite a lot and that money is tight… but it’s so important…
Rebecca’s last blog post..Happy birthday, Uncle Sam!
Twitter: ramblingreba
Cassandra Rae
Being a mom is a huge part of life and only a small part of ourselves.
Cassandra Rae’s last blog post..A Boobie Update
Sandy (Momisodes)
Kudos to you for sticking with it. It’s been my pleasure to have followed you in the past 9 months, and watching your writing and audience grow
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..WW- A Week of First’s