Looking back with the new eyes.
- At August 05, 2008
- By Lotus Carroll
- In Love, Relationships, Stories
31
It’s something like 6AM in the morning and I’m in my car, driving home. The windows are down, and the breeze pushes long strands of hair past my face now and again. There’s music on the radio, and some part of my consciousness acknowledges that, but the dominant sound in my mind is a soft rushing, maybe like the sound of moving water. It’s comforting, and at the same time the edges of it pulse excitement. I’m somehow disconnected from my surroundings, and at the same time, I am recording them in some part of my brain, a running log of experience and environment. The sun is warm through the window even though the air is crisp. The still, green grass flies by on either side of the hard, black asphalt. It is September, 1994. At the end of next month, I will be 18.
I am way more relaxed than I should be. I have no idea exactly what awaits me at my destination, but I know it’s not going to be very far on this side of good. I did things last night that I probably should not have, and still, I feel the quiet stillness of being that comes with justification. I’m not worried. Some part of my mind thinks I should be, but I ignore it. The rest of my consciousness rests on high ground. Or perhaps, it just sits wrapped in happiness.
I’m hungry. My physical body is nagging me to stop daydreaming and disconnecting myself from reality. I turn off to a fast food joint and order a special love of mine: hash browns. In your youth, you can drop these down your throat in multitudes without paying the price. Like a blessing, I know this, and I take advantage of it, one of many small pieces of pleasure that is often wasted on the young of form. I dawdle with my ketchup packets and my orange juice before driving onward. I’m not in a hurry, obviously.
At the same time, I am eager. Eager to make the confrontation… if that is what it must be. I am right in my mind, and even if I can’t persuade them of that, I don’t care. Here, in a rare moment, I don’t need to be right for anyone else. I’m on the verge of something I’ve never felt before, and it’s spilling over into the rest of my character with no stoppage. The flood gates have opened, and this warm thing is coming through them, this demanding feeling. It is new to me. He is new to me.
I have no idea what the future will hold, but I know that I’m already obsessed, wrapped deeply in a web that I don’t want to be released from. I’m already yards beyond the present emotionally, though in coming months, I will hold onto passing moments so fiercely that I almost seem to be demanding that time stop.
It will never be quite like this again. It will never again be this new, amazing, almost incomprehensible blossoming of hope and joy, excitement and rapture, obsession and passion, mixing and swirling with such force that it almost brings me to my knees. I will never be crushed to my core so pleasantly again. This is the part I’m not aware of at the time, what I cannot appreciate in that moment – this fleeting dimension of the first time one falls in love.
While I savor the fried potatoes in my mouth as I drive too quickly towards my angry parents, I allow the beauty of youth’s first love to wash over me and away, not holding onto it long enough.
Is it even possible to hold onto it long enough?
31 comments
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The Awesome
Thursday's Child
See, now, this one encapsulates that moment perfectly. Well done, Lotus.
Cherish this piece as well.
Maggie's Mind
Yep, it only gets to be that brand of new for such a short, elusive time. Beautifully done.
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missy wiggins
I’ve taken a similar drive. What a beautifully written piece!
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Rachael
An amazing post! You really have talent for capturing moments and feelings.
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river
I’ve loved, but never been that intensely In Love. i’m emotionally distant I guess.
Michelle
Awesome writing (as usual).
Veronica
xx
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pgoodness
ah, youth, how I miss thee sometimes. You captured it perfectly.
Twitter: Pgoodness
DeuceMom
Beautiful piece of writing!
DeuceMoms last blog post..It can all change in an instant
Deb
You’re taking me back to a time I had long forgotten about. I miss feeling so passionate about something. There’s something about the young teenage mind…
Debs last blog post..R.I.P. Hermie
Lilacspecs
Lovely, lovely post
HappyCampers
Beautiful….I love your depth….
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Miss Britt
And thank God we don’t know about the crush at the end. Thank God.
Hockeyman
Wow, I remember the same things from almost the same dates! Well written, but unfortunate that magic just seems to go away.
Hockeymans last blog post..Where is that off switch?
rachel
*sigh*
You are such a powerful writer Lotus. This was a joy to read. you captured it perfectly.
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KD (A Bit Squirrelly)
Beautiful. It took me back to my own love when it was new. Thank you.
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Lou Lohman
I’ve never seen this moment in time, a moment most women share at one time or another, in one way or another, stated so clearly, so eloquently. You, who are quite the woman, must have been quite the young woman. Not that you’re old, but that young woman that emerges somewhere between, say, 16 to 19, right after the first bloom of real Love. And I can just imagine what THE RACK must have been like. Wow.
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Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
If we’re lucky, we’ve each been on our own similar rides.
Beautifully told.
Twitter: mommy_wins
TheMama
Wow. This was awesome!
You have a great “voice” and this really drew me in.
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Christie
As I was reading the beginning, I started thinking “I Know What You Did That Summer!!!” lol
Beautiful writing though Lotus, I could picture myself there with you! Especially the angry parents part
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Gustavion
Great post
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Special Kay
Wow that was some awesome writing. I thought you were going to end it with how we worried our parents staying out all night and how now as a parent yourself you can see the horror that was probably their minds racing that night..I have thought of the young love thing recently and all that entailed, the euphoria the angst, oh my God the angst LOL. But I wouldn’t trade those days for nothin’.
jen
if we can’t hold on we can paint it and sing songs and write poetry about it, just as you did here.
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Jerseygirl89
Gorgeous post.
It makes me want to get in my old car (not my current minivan) with a box of tapes and a Big Gulp of Diet Pepsi.
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Jennifer S^N
Ok…where can I buy the book?? Don’t leave me hanging….
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Eve
Beautifully written. I felt I was there with you. So much so that I’d like to ground your butt for worrying your parents that way. I never had a day quite like that myself – BUT I was the mother waiting at home for her errant daughter to return.
MommyCosm
Lotus, that was beautiful. That’s all I have to say.
Secret Agent Mama
I connected to this piece so much. Very well written, dear!
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..Project 365 (348/365)
Cassandra Rae
Oh my heaven, what a beautiful post! I love how you intermix the present, past and the wisdom in between. I often feel like I have to write from one or the other perspective.
You inspire me!
Cassandra Raes last blog post..Are you blind to your beauty?
Kay
Favorite entry. I can’t tell you how much it meant to read that, especially at this point in my life.
chasingjoy
Wow, that’s really a great post Lotus! I guess if we ever got to love that intensely again then the first time wouldn’t be as special.
Man, now I want some hash browns. Thanks Lotus! LOL.
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