“Make me a bird, so I can fly fah, fah away….”
Yesterday’s post is an illustration of the Seasonal Cycle I’ve identified in myself. It’s a literary painting, in extreme, of the way I almost always feel the worst during the bleak months. I have never been diagnosed by a professional, so I am loathe to apply any kind of disorder or condition by name (and I really dislike it when other people do that, with all manner of psychological disorders).
To be more detailed about what it’s like for me – it’s not as though Spring and Summer are magically free of any sadness. In fact, I ride a roller coaster all year long… but when the sun is high I’m on the Kiddie Coaster. During Fall, I transition and climb the peak to the Mega Drop-Off of Winter’s Coaster of Malcontent and Despair.
I’m also not so deep in depression during my Winter Lows that John has to hide my razors. I am, for lack of a better term, a functioning depressive. I can smile, laugh, and force myself to do what it takes to get by from day to day. I can even fake it hard enough to make people fairly unaware. And beyond that, I have moments where I am content. They seem to flit by, and they are fewer and shorter than during the warm months, but they are there.
It’s the core of me that changes. It’s the ability to keep things flowing regularly. It’s the feeling inside my heart. It’s the blank stretches inside my head. It’s the drowning desire to lock myself in a closet and close my eyes more often than not. It’s a lack of motivation that was there before, an inability to care as much about myself and others. It’s having to force action rather than being propelled from within with ease.
At some point after Fall has begun, I just wake up one day and realize that I don’t care about anything in the same way as I did the day before.
And I have no desire to care, either.
This year, that happened to me last Thursday. I got up with Braden and came downstairs. Before we had breakfast, I opened the blinds in the living room and looked out at the leafless trees. Standing close to the glass that separated me from the icy chill outside, I felt the cold leaching through. It nipped at my arms, it taunted me. And my head just… went numb.
I blinked, staring out at the gray.
And I didn’t care. I didn’t want breakfast, I didn’t want to look at my computer, I didn’t want to sing songs with Braden, or call my husband. I didn’t want to want to and I didn’t care.
And my realization of the lack of motivation in my heart just sunk me. I think that every year, I hope as I climb the ladder that there will be an escalator at the top this time. Or an elevator. Or a jet-pack. Anything to keep me from sliding down again.
After breakfast, I got on my computer anyway, out of a sense of obligation (and because it is here that I search for something to buoy me, so often). And I did something I haven’t taken the time to do much at all in a long while – I actually opened my blog reader. (Yes, I’m a crappy blog reader when I get too wrapped up in deadlines. Which is always nowadays.)
And right around the same time I was hitting the top of that ladder, waiting for that icy push on the small of my back, I found something better than an escalator, an elevator, or a jet-pack.
I found someone who has her hands on a pair of wings.
Sometimes it’s inspiring enough to watch someone else beat The Slide that you start thinking maybe you can, too.
Thanks, Shannon.
I may not grow wings of my own, but here’s to never giving up on the possibility.
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Kelley
That biatch has a way of getting you to love her doesn’t she?
Even if she does wear Crocs.
And girl, move to Australia, we don’t do winter here. Well your kinda winter anyway.
Kelleys last blog post..You want crazy? I will show you mine if you show me yours.
Mr Lady
How’s about you and me start a commune on the equator? *smooch*
Mr Ladys last blog post..Welcome To My Nightmare
Stassja
I’m so with you. I’ve been battling it off and on the last few years, not always just around winter but usually. I hate it, I really do. It’s all I can do to pull myself out of bed in the morning. I’m blah all day. And then when it’s bed time? Every old piece of whatever the fuck that annoys me goes blowing through my mind at 8 million mph until 3am. I’m functioning as well, and I think that’s part of what makes it hard. You’re surviving, it’s not too noticeable to others, and you can still smile and laugh. As you said, you’re not breaking out the razor blades. This time I’ve actually been looking things up online for the big D word. Oy vey do I have it. I’m seeing my family over the holidays and so crazy about going, so I hope that maybe it’ll be enough to snap me out of it. Shitty money and moving AGAIN in a month or two helps not at all. If it’s not better then I think I’m actually going to see someone about it.
Err, sorry to journal all over your comments. My blah has put me in little mood to blog but I’ll yack at people specifically all day long. ><
Stassjas last blog post..Heehee
kompostela
Oh, I think it happens to everyone. Just look for things that can inspire you:))
kompostelas last blog post..Game to Develop Your Toddler’s Little Fingers Skills
Zoeyjane
I’d like to join that commune as well. And this year, because every winter I LMS and have your Thursday moment and then descend into not even getting out of bed until afternoonish, I decided to try something a tad different. Less coffee + B complex vitamins. It’s not working-working, but it’s not not working. If you catch my drift? {Hugs}
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Kinky and Straight
Lilacspecs
Janelle
“a functioning depressive” you finally named what I am! Thank you!!
I think it this time of year that is the worst for us “functioning depressives” I am looking out my window now and it’s 8:49am and it’s all dark and gloomy and the rain is about to set in. It’s morning time, yet it looks like it ready to be bedtime.
*sigh* we will get through this
Janelles last blog post..And The Winner Is…
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
You’ve put into words what I’ve felt at different times like yourself. I haven’t identified a cycle yet, and being on meds has helped me, but reading your words as if they were coming out of my head helps.
You can come to me whenever you need the biggest of virtual hugs.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Itty Bitty Titty Committee
Secret Agent Mama
She’s like our bloggy mama, ya know.
I’m here for you and am willing to drive to cheer you up, yo! Just make the call.
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..Growing Old Together
Special K
You just described me to a “T” my whole lifetime. Some days it helps to know I am not alone some days I feel so alone! ((HUGS))
Special Ks last blog post..Neurosis anyone?
lceel
If you want me to, I’ll come down there and cheer you up. I mean, you’re only about 6 or 7 hours south of me, and if it will cheer you up, I’ll gladly make the trip. You’ll just have to wait until I can find my clown makeup and a Volkswagen, but I’ll get there.
lceels last blog post..Paying it Forward: A Holiday Giveaway
Twitter: lceel
Donna (A Grown-up)
That is what I’ve felt my entire life. My highs, though tended to not ever get above the “I don’t care, but I’ll fake it”… and the lows (while never hide the razors) were awful. I had to go get help. The good news is, now, with the help of a minimal dose of a wonder drug, I’m “normal” (whatever the hell that is) and the lows are generally even above the “fake it” level.
Depression, even seasonal sucks, but the good news is there is help. You don’t have to not care and there are medications that you can take for the seasonal blues so you *don’t* have to fake it.
Donna (A Grown-up)s last blog post..Yes, there will be life after court reportng school
tenakim
Sounds like you have a lot of people (me included) that get you and are right there with you!
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I’m searching for the right words, but all I can say is “I feel ya.” That’s lame, but it fits.
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Un-Grinching Christmas: Dear Santa…
Twitter: mommy_wins
jill
i’ve felt like this for a lot of years. though, i want to WANT to do things. luckily (knock on wood) so far it hasn’t gotten me.i think having KJ has made a difference. basically i have been inside, which has always made a difference for me, and also we moved south a few hours so its still green here, and of course i’m too damn busy to worry about anything except why is baby crying, eat food, use bathroom, shower, repeat repeat repeat… but i can definitely sympathize with you. it really blows to feel like that year after year, and especially when you know its coming, and you fight it off but it wins anyway..
jills last blog post..Who knew Brian Williams was funny?
Lorie
I hope you can find some things to brighten up the dreary months for you.
I know how you feel!
Lories last blog post..How They Work: Blinking Christmas Lights
stephanie
Thanks for this post – this gives a little more insight to what you posted yesterday.
There is something very powerful about knowing you’re not alone. And you’re not.
stephanies last blog post..Grandpa’s home
Jessica
Your not the only one! Many hugs!!!
flickrlovr
AMEN. To all of it. I don’t have any words left to say.
Mr Lady’s post actually brought me to tears. Made me cry. Nothing I’ve ever read has ever done that before. That was beautiful. And so was this. Thank you Lotus.
flickrlovrs last blog post..Entirely too much information.
Dawn
Wings baby, wings.
Dawns last blog post..Things you need to leave the house with a toddler
Roxanne
I have had this same thing for about 10 years now. It starts a week before Thanksgiving and clears up around the beginning of Feb. I thought it was SAD, but then I moved to FL last year where the sun is always shining and sure enough I have it pretty bad this year. I am sooooo tired all the time…it sucks.
I think for me it is because years ago when I was a teen my father was battling cancer for two years before he died….and the holidays were always hard for me. Since then, I think my brain or whatever has just learned to be this way every holiday season regardless to the fact that is has been so many years ago. Then I start getting depressed about EVERYTHING. It’s awful. I think the worst part for me is the not caring about anything. I have lost so much interest in my favorite things.
I do know what you are going through. Here’s hoping to a speedy climb up that ladder.
Martha
Wow what a great description of what i have suffered from most of my adult life. And for me moving to Florida has definetely helped.
Marthas last blog post..First day at the Magic Kingdom
Whitey Lawful
Oh fah fah.