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67 comments


  • river

    Does it help at all to know that most early miscarriages are mother natures way of deleting her errors? Possibly there was a fault with the embryo and nature removed it by not allowing perfect implantation? I read it somewhere years ago and it made sense to me but I can’t cite any scientific proof. (I don’t mean to make you feel worse…..)

    May 20, 2008
  • Taz

    thinking of you..

    big hugs..

    Taz’s last blog post..A special for the week.. i call it friends.. :)

    May 20, 2008
  • river

    My own miscarriage, on the other hand, was my own stupid fault. Whenever I’m newly pregnant I get the urge to garden. So that’s what I did, same as always. Except this time I tried to dig a new bed (like always) in a rock hard section next to the driveway and my efforts with the shovel tore the placenta loose. Spent Mother’s Day in hospital that year losing a 7 week foetus. Needless to say when I was pregnant again a few weeks later I sat with my feet up and watched hubby and the older 3 kids dig my new garden bed.

    May 20, 2008
  • Oh sweetheart, I just wanna fly over to give you a big hug :( I know it wouldn’t really help, but… well, you know.

    Lots of love xxx

    Marylin’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #21

    May 20, 2008
  • My mother’s first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I think she was into her 3rd month too so it was very hard for her. What she has told me though, is that, had they had that baby, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with me and she is very thankful for having me as her daughter.

    Now, I know that might sound contrived and she told me that when I was fairly young,s o maybe it was for my own security, but I apply that logic to much of my life.

    Did I plan to be a burnt out, overworked daycare worker living below the poverty line in a single room apartment in a bad part of town, alone, single, childless? Hell no. And when I turned 25 two years ago and looked at my life I wanted to die. It was nothing like how I’d dreamed it would be.
    But if I hadn’t been in that exact situation; if the circumstances guiding my choices and decisions had not occured in exactly the way they did, then I never would have met Hans. I never would have felt the love I feel from him and towards him. I never would’ve had the opportunity to move to Europe and learn a new language in the way that I am now.
    If things had gone differently, I would have had a very different life but I’m happy with the people that love me and mean the most to me. I would never want to trade any of them for some doppelganger from an alternative reality.
    This is my reality and it makes me happy and content to live in it, despite the painful scars from the decisions and actions that led me to where I am today.

    I know that’s not much. Perhaps it even sounds egocentric, but it’s not meant to be. I hope you find a way to accept your miscarriage in a way that causes you the least amount of pain possible. I wish you luck and I send some hugs your way.

    lilacspecs’s last blog post..Can Belgians be Colourful?

    May 20, 2008
  • I second Marylin: big hugs from a woman on that same crazy ride with you. You’ve echoed my heart word for word.

    One of the hardest parts of this “ride” for me to handle is the loss of that innocent joy that I had when I was first pregnant – I feel like miscarriage robbed me both of my two babies and of the blissful anticipation that should (in my head) naturally be a part of expecting a baby. Even now at seven months pregnant with my first kicking, viable, healthy baby, I still get scared. Less so with each passing day, but I still do.

    It does get better. There are less and less schizophrenic days of wild hope paired with knife-like sadness, and along the way, more peace. We’ll be right there with you the whole way.

    Hugs,
    A

    anne’s last blog post..the hardest things I’ve ever had to do

    May 20, 2008
  • tiff

    Ive got nothing, really. Just stay true to yourself, my friend.

    May 20, 2008
  • I wish I could say something to make it better.
    I hope your days get better as times goes on.

    dysfunctional mom’s last blog post..Emotional Sucker Punch

    May 20, 2008
  • Oh sweetie, no words of wisdom here, just hugs and love.

    Veronica’s last blog post..The Best News

    May 20, 2008
  • Nothing I can will make your pain go away. Nothing anyone can tell you isn’t something you don’t already know or haven’t googled already. You are smart. Just know that you are being thought of and prayed for. The rollercoaster you are on is a necessary evil of grief. You must go through it in order for the pain to ease (not go away) just ease. Your babies are loved whether they are in your arms or not. Your grief about the one that isn’t is what makes you a great mother, a great human being. Though the pain is horrible, try to embrace it as how maternal you truly are. Stay strong sweetie! We are thinking about you!

    AnnD’s last blog post..Still needing some neutrophils and prayers!

    May 20, 2008
  • Everything you are feeling is completely normal. There is no “one way” to feel about a loss that great.

    Meredith’s last blog post..Getting a few things off my chest

    May 20, 2008
  • Don’t let anyone undermine your loss. It’s highly insensitive of people to say the things they do. No child is a mistake or replaceable with another. Fortunately, you have the small comfort of knowing so many people care, though. I wish I could wash your grief away. Keep loving your family here on earth, no matter it’s size, and know you’ll all be together in heaven one day.

    May 20, 2008
  • Sue

    Forgive me, Lotus, for not saying much at all these days. I know, I don’t say much anyway. But I wanted to say you have been in my thoughts and in my heart lately. I never went through what you’ve been through, so I didn’t know what to say. Anything I thought of (this included) seemed trite, and I wanted so badly to comfort you with words and show you that people are supporting you, even if we don’t fully understand what it feels like.

    *hugs*

    Sue’s last blog post..Life is Short

    May 20, 2008
  • I’m so sorry for your loss….sending hugs your way!

    Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..I Did Giggle, Just A Little

    May 20, 2008
  • Bless your heart Lotus. Youre in my thoughts.

    Madness’s last blog post..Sexy Mo’Fo ..

    May 20, 2008
  • Ree

    {{hugs}}

    Ree’s last blog post..Cos I told you once before goodbye, but I came back again.

    May 20, 2008
  • gpo

    My better half had a miscarriage before our second daughter. It gets better is all I can say. My mother had a miscarriage before having me. I know my parents were only going to have 2 children and I was the second. So there was a possibility that I would never have made it if not for the miscarriage. Sometimes yo have to thank god for unanswered prayers.

    May 20, 2008
  • Well, you grieve how you grieve. Seems it’s different for everybody, different on different days, and there’s no way out but through. You’re in my prayers.

    alala’s last blog post..named

    May 20, 2008
  • Having been thru the roller coaster ride myself (I was 39 weeks pregnant & my 2cd of my 3 sons was born still) I totally relate to the range of emotions you’re going thru. Just know that it does get better & easier & that you’ll NEVER forget that baby. I’m thinking of & praying for you as you go thru this process.

    (((big hugs)))

    Connie’s last blog post..Weekly Winners~May 11-17 2008

    May 20, 2008
  • hugs

    Summer’s last blog post..Shhhhhh

    May 20, 2008
  • Your honesty is so heartbreaking but so…necessary. People just need to hear and see mothers being raw and honest…don’t deny any of your feelings, and thank you so, so, so, much for sharing them with us, for being brave enough…your courage here is truly beautiful.

    Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!’s last blog post..I Think it’s Time to Hang Up the Ol’ Strapless Bra

    May 20, 2008
  • That was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

    wright’s last blog post..Can’t Seem To Shake It

    May 20, 2008
  • There is not a morning I wake up not feeling completely betrayed by my cruel and useless body. I totally get that and the wanting to both pull people closer and them push them away. It sucks, and it makes perfect sense that it sucks. And then eventually time makes it easier most days. Hang in there.

    Maggie’s last blog post..Day 337 – Reflection

    May 20, 2008
  • I’m really sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re feeling right now. It fades with time, but you never forget.

    It has been 18 years for me. And I still think about the baby now and then.

    I wish you all the best and pray that your heart heals soon!

    Catscratch’s last blog post..Reverse Cowgirl, HeftyBags & eBay

    May 20, 2008
  • I, too, have had my own miscarrage, JUST after sharing the good news with all my friends. It was embarrassing on top of hurt on top of shame on top of grief. I still (after having another a healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy) have days where I wonder, would that baby have had auburn hair like the new baby does? Or would it have been more brown like the older boy? I like to think that the fact that I am still affected by that baby that was not to be makes me more reflective, more sensitive, more “aware of what matters” as a Mom. THAT’S why God took him or her. To teach me that its not important to get to work on time but rather snuggle under the covers that one last time. I know you’ll eventually get to a place where you’ll see what you’ve learned from that tiny little life, and I’m certain it’ll be a good lesson.

    God bless you & your family, Lotus. Whatever happens, don’t let anyone else tell you how long to grieve. Only you’ll know when you’re ready to move on.

    Colleen’s last blog post..HAPPY BLOG-IVERSARY TO ME!

    May 20, 2008
  • Look, if it’ll help you any, I have a picture of me in a pair of nuthuggers (short shorts). It ought to give you a laugh. On the other hand ….. I guess I’d better not. The nuts aren’t actually hugged to well, and Annie says if she ever sees that picture again she’s not ever having sex with a man, again. I really wouldn’t want to put you off sex, recreational or otherwise, so I’ll just keep that one to myself. Sorry. It was just a thought, after all.

    Lou Lohman’s last blog post..We’re off to see the wizard

    May 20, 2008
  • justmylife

    Hugs to you and hoping that one day very soon, you can have more good days than bad!

    justmylife’s last blog post..She loves me, She loves me NOT.

    May 20, 2008
  • Lotus–

    my mom tells me to be a cork. Life will whirl you along like a flowing river sometimes placid, sometimes rapids. if you’re a cork you’ll always have your head above water. you’re doing it.

    Love,
    hydes

    Hydes Like Us’s last blog post..Lady Madonna Part I

    May 20, 2008
  • I know the feeling of wanting to get off the ride.

    Sometimes I wish I had never gotten on in the first place.

    But something, something keeps us on the ride.

    It’s small, so small you can’t always see it, & it’s called hope.

    Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..A Bonnie Tyler & Bono toasted infertility sandwich

    May 20, 2008
  • It is so, so, so hard. I am sad for you and your family.

    Thank you for sharing with us – it really helps to know that there are other women tangled in the grief of miscarriage. It feels like everyone expects women to get over it rather quickly, and I started to feel bad that I couldn’t, but I have finally realized that I never will “get over it”. How could I? I lost my baby.

    Anyway – it is important for women like me to know that they are not alone in this deep, dark sadness that no one talks about or wants to hear about.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Meredith’s last blog post..Cake Pops!!!

    May 20, 2008
  • i’ve been there. i’ve done this. you describe it in a way that brings it all back — and it’s been almost 15 years.

    no, you are not alone. it’s a personal hell that resonates with many of us.

    hang in there, honey. we’re all out here for you to run to (and away from) when you need too.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..Random acts of blondness

    May 20, 2008
  • No need for forgiveness! I can relate with every single word. Thank you for posting this!

    I don’t comment often, but I’ve been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

    Angela’s last blog post..Irritable

    May 20, 2008
  • This is my first visit to you site and I love your writing. You have a beautiful little boy! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now. No one, even those who have been through it, can understand exactly how you are feeling. I will keep you in my prayers that you may get off this carnival ride and sleep peacefully on the ride home…

    April’s last blog post..New Name

    May 20, 2008
  • I was looking at the blog choice awards and stumbled onto your blog… I feel like everything happens for a reason and that God has his hand in everything that we do. That being said, as I was reading your post about your miscarriage, my heart went out to you. I have also had a miscarriage and it is a very difficult thing for anyone to have to go through. I had a 10 month old at home and was in the middle of nursing school when I found out that my husband and I were expecting baby #2…. my first response was… how am I going to do this, but we were excited and ready. Then at 6 weeks… I miscarried. I was devistated, but like I said … God has his hand in everything. Three months later, I was expecting again. I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl and I cannot imagine my life without her. Had I not miscarried, she would have never been born. God is good! Smiles! Lacie B. (mother of 3)

    May 20, 2008
  • Oh Lotus darling one.
    How amazing you are, your writing, your passion, your pain, your heartache the way you share and put yourself out there so boldly, beautifully and honestly.
    You are one of the reasons that moms who blog are changing the face of the world.

    rachel’s last blog post..The day the vagina nearly wrecked the car

    May 20, 2008
  • Great words.

    blogversary’s last blog post..my husband’s grandpa

    May 20, 2008
  • Thank you so much for sharing what must have been so painful to share. I can’t even begin to understand, but I can offer my shoulder if you ever need it.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Singing in the rain

    May 20, 2008
  • Kat

    I hear you, honey. It sucks & I’m sorry.

    These words – “And whenever someone has said that to me… that I can have more… I have secretly been angry. Because you would never say that to me if Braden died.”

    I have never SAID that to anyone, but now, I NEVER EVER will. I never thought about it that way, but you’re freakin’ right! What a not good thing to say. And now I’m saved from ever putting my foot in my mouth in quite that way.

    May 20, 2008
  • All of your feelings are valid. Every single one. From one side of the spectrum to the other.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Elaine’s last blog post..Tagged Again!

    May 20, 2008
  • I can understand what an ordeal it has been for you and it is important to be honest about your thoughts/ feelings. Getting them out is so important.

    Also, know that you can try for another child, and that if you practice fertility awareness and chart your temperatures you can understand and begin to predict what you body is doing.. Charting temps also lets you see when you are about to miscarry so you and your doctor can prevent it next time.

    When you are ready, know that there is always hope and chances for future success… When you are ready for it. Hugs!

    Talina’s last blog post..3 months to go till we move, again!

    May 20, 2008
  • http://www.glowinthewoods.com/about/

    only on a day where you want the others with you –

    Dawn’s last blog post..From the Archives – What Happened to Saturday

    May 20, 2008
  • Allie

    I have read your site for a while. You make me feel normal. I have a 17 month old son, am in my 30’s, have a lot in common with you. Just want you to know I consider you a friend and I also want you to know that I get it. Shit Lotus, I completely get it.

    May 20, 2008
  • Jerseygirl89

    Hey Lotus,

    I haven’t been here lately and I feel like I abandoned you in a time of need. Not that I have any great insights or wisdom. I’m just so sorry for your loss and I want to send you lots of big hugs, comforting novels and chocolate.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..What Is A Yummy Mummy, Anyway?

    May 20, 2008
  • Just take each day as it comes love.

    And yes, being pregnant after miscarriage can be scary at times, but it’s worth it. So very very worth it.

    hugs

    Bettina’s last blog post..He’s lucky he’s cute.

    May 20, 2008
  • Yep. You said it, sweetie.

    alice’s last blog post..Nor breath nor motion

    May 20, 2008
  • Just sending you a hug.

    May 20, 2008
  • Hi there, just happened to passby and read your blog,
    a big hugz to you… do take care :)

    May 20, 2008
  • time will heal….lots of time….patience dear, patience….

    Angeline’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Dearie!

    May 20, 2008
  • I can relate to every word of this.

    LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..Thank You

    May 20, 2008
  • Can I copy this and put it on my blog? LOL… OK, maybe not. But yep, I feel that way too.

    Pretty much exactly that way.

    So, um… you’re not alone.
    And I guess that means neither am I.

    Karen’s last blog post..Clothes, Clothes and MORE Clothes!

    May 20, 2008
  • I haven’t even been able to tell you how sorry I really am. I just don’t know what to say. I feel for you. I wish I could make it better for you. ((HUGS))

    Tracy D’s last blog post..Pay Per Post Rocks!

    May 20, 2008
  • Alyssa

    It seems that what you are feeling, WHATEVER you are feeling, at any given moment, is exactly right. You can push us away when you feel the need. We’ll come right back as soon as you want us.
    (If you can stand one more story, my sister-in-law had a miscarriage 2 years ago. This past February, she gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy (and big!) baby boy.
    When she miscarried, her doctor told her that it’s God’s way of protecting the ones who aren’t ready to be on the Earth yet.)

    May 20, 2008
  • Susan

    I used to picture God cradling the baby that I lost, telling that baby that He was going to hold her until the time was just right for Him to send her back to us…that He was going to keep her safe and warm until then. That made me feel better.

    I hope you find what you need to heal. Best wishes to you.

    May 20, 2008
  • I lost my daughter at 36 weeks a little over 2 years ago and I soooo know what you mean when ding dongs tell you…’well you can have another one’ . I pretty much wanted to rip there heads off but I refrained. There is and never will be another one like THAT one. The one I love the best was when this man..that I really think a lot of said ‘Well sometimes that’s just God’s way of weeding out the bad ones.’ He’s fortunate he can still walk straight! Luckily for me, I have my sweet angel Landry now. She is more than I ever dreamed of and while I still miss my Sophie, I wouldn’t trade anything for this child of mine. Not even Sophie. I know that sounds crazy and two years ago I would have punched anyone who would have even suggested it but today I can let God have Sophie with a much happier heart because he rewarded me with Landry. Gee…this post sounds violent! I think that could only come from the pain of losing a child. I feel yours….yes, I certainly do.

    May 21, 2008
  • “Some days, I look forward to trying to have another child at some point. I think about a sibling for my son, a tiny baby to love and coo over, another dimension to our family. I think about the joy of being pregnant, meeting a new life, and discovering how another personality will fit into our home.

    Other days, I am terrified at ever being pregnant again. I shrink away from thoughts of what it will be like to have another positive pregnancy test. Instead of bursting at the seams with Joy and Bliss like I did the past two times, I imagine that I will feel incredibly Anxious and Fearful.

    I mourn the death of the joy that should accompany that positive test, and I imagine the fear and sorrow that will replace it – as well as the paranoia. I imagine it, and I feel a great sense of avoidance.

    I picture a future pregnant me waiting to see blood every.time.I.urinate. And I can’t imagine being able to shoulder the endless stress that will inevitably invoke.”

    You put into words all that I felt with each of my pregnancies… it is so hard to be happy/scared/joyful and anxious all at the same time. I can sooo relate to waiting to see blood, and reserving my joy *just in case* I miscarry. The dynamics of of everything are so difficult. Big HUGS to you.

    Sarah’s last blog post..What’s New

    May 21, 2008
  • cj

    We lost ours at 16 weeks. It’s normal to feel the way you do. You lost a whole life…newborn, toddler, giggles, diapers, first day of school, high school prom, graduation, college, marriage, grandbabies…you lost more than a moment in time. It’s okay to grieve it. Grief is irrational and that is completely normal. You’ll ride the coaster for a while then you’ll wake up and feel ready to take another chance. Praying for you.

    May 21, 2008
  • “Some days, I take comfort in knowing that my baby is in Heaven. God wanted one of ours next to Him. I feel the complete peace that is, as a lovely friend of mine so eloquently said, knowing my baby will live for eternity never having to experience sadness.” This really made me cry.

    Holly’s last blog post..Everglades above and below

    May 21, 2008
  • I just want to add my voice to the others, in admiring your bravery, your putting your feelings out there honestly, your efforts to look at what you are going through. I can’t imagine the pain, and I pray that God will continue to comfort you through it.

    alicia’s last blog post..Frugal Homemaking

    May 21, 2008
  • I am in the camp of having it happen more than once. One is all I ever got and he is enough but some days I rode that roller coaster over and over until I was puking up my cotton candy.
    The worst I got was from a “friend” that said that at least I had a child, some don’t get that. Yeah, like I KNOW that but losing 2 that could of been, knowing what I was missing was brutal.
    She was 23 at the time had been trying to conceive 6 months and decided she was never going to get one. She went on to have 3. Never miscarried and I still resent her for the things she said years ago.

    Kay (Special K)’s last blog post..I just got word. He is OK. He is OK. He’s gonna make it.

    May 21, 2008
  • I meant to add the miscarriages were with my 2nd (current, permanent) husband. He has no biological children though he holds mine as his own. So I was feeling loss for his side as well as my own.

    I also blame these damn early pregnancy tests. I think every woman has miscarried, just didn’t know because it was so close they just thought they were late. I think not knowing is a blessing.

    Kay (Special K)’s last blog post..I just got word. He is OK. He is OK. He’s gonna make it.

    May 21, 2008
  • I can completely understand your feelings here. I have learnt an incredible amount in the last 6 months and one thing I have noticed most is the need for us humans to try and make things better.

    It is with the best of intentions, but we want to say or do the thing that makes someone going through a tough time feel better.

    But I have worked out that is really not want we need at all sometimes. We don’t need to be told that we will be ok and time will heal etc, we need empathy and for people to understand why we feel guilty, betrayed, angry or heartbroken. We need to be able to cry (loads if necessary) without people thinking we need some medication.

    Like you said on those good days, the comments probably don’t bother so much, but on a bad day , no matter how well intentioned they can be like fingernails down a chalk board.

    Cry lots, be angry – a miscarriage is terribly painful and hearbreaking.

    PlanningQueen’s last blog post..Planning Our Trips To The Library

    May 22, 2008
  • Bipolarlawyercook

    I’m so sorry to hear this, and I know what you’re feeling. You hit the nail on the head with this post, though it doesn’t help the hurt. I hope time and the love you get from John & Braden help you heal– not forget, but heal.

    Bipolarlawyercook’s last blog post..Love Thursday

    May 22, 2008
  • This must be the most honest and gut-wrenching posts I have ever read. This post made me cry, over and over. Thank you for writing it. I’m sure it will help many-a-women who are currently on that carnival ride from hell. I think it will help them more than you know…

    shannymar’s last blog post..Reason # 567 why coffee and small children don’t mix.

    May 22, 2008
  • Take those alive and passionate feelings to drown out all the doubt and fear. Thank you for your honesty in your posts! I hope that helps let go of the worst of the feelings.

    Jenski’s last blog post..A delayed response to Idol

    May 23, 2008
  • aw sweetie, I am so very sorry that you have had to join us mothers who have lost babies. Please know that I will be thinking of you often.
    I am sorry too about the postpartum stuff, like hair loss. It is just so unfair that we have to go through all that crap and not even have a baby.
    It has been six years since I lost my little girl and I still think of her every day and often wonder what she would be like now.
    Take care

    Kristen’s last blog post..As an add-on to yesterday’s post…

    May 23, 2008
  • Thank you.

    Traceys last blog post..RMT 4… a small gain

    July 21, 2008
  • […] I found two posts by Sarcastic Mom that really explained how I felt better than I could, so I had him read […]

    January 09, 2009

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