Me is {more than} enough.
I wrote this post over 4 months ago. It is the culmination of a tangled, emotional struggling and growth, something of a metamorphosis, that I’ve undergone in the past few years. When I wrote it, I was standing on the edge of a precipice looking into a great divide, and I was ready to step off, not knowing if I was going to fly or fall. For awhile, I didn’t care which. As it turns out, I found I was carrying a bridge to the next peak in my own back pocket, and in unfurling it, what “fell” was this post, out of my heart and soul, onto the digital page. Something in me cranked, turned, and locked into place. I was absolutely sure I was going to publish the piece; I often publish my ugly stuff, my emotional wailings, and then… I didn’t.
At the Blissdom Conference, Brené Brown was the Opening Keynote Speaker. I sat there in awe as she started talking about shame, about vulnerability and fear, and hot tears pricked the corners of my eyes. My mouth fell open when I heard her saying things I had written in this post. I had written that I was enough, that I accepted myself, and then I didn’t publish. Somewhere in there, I was telling myself “I am enough… but not quite enough to publish to the world that I am enough.” Kind of ironic, no?
Brené reminded me that when I allow myself to be vulnerable and truly open with the world, I am the happiest me that can exist. Yes, it can be frightening, but there is no more real way to live. And so I pull this out of drafts, I hit publish, and I affirm that I mean what it says. I hope it speaks to someone. It’s a truth from my heart.
~
I am {learning to be} comfortable with who I am. I know I am a being in process, unrefined, unsure, and, in many ways, different from others, different than you.
I accept me for who I am.
This has not always been the truth. Far from it, in fact.
During grade school, my hair was dorky, my clothes weren’t “cool enough”, my ears poked out too far, and I was a nerd for genuinely liking to read and learn. I lived in the South, and most of my peers went to church and believed in God – I didn’t. I liked popular music, but also classical and old rock, preferred dorky to preppy, and laughed with a hitch. (#snort)
Most of the time I was okay with all of that.
Except for the times when I wasn’t. You know the times; the moments when others, intentionally or not, make you doubt yourself for your differences. Those moments shaped me in an ugly way. Those were the moments when I wished I was anything but me, anywhere but inside my own skin. I learned to put on a tough act, pretend I didn’t care. But I did, I cared so much it hurt.
I don’t think any of us are inherently comfortable with being put down, cast aside. I sure am not. It’s a painful thing. If you can accept that pain and move on, you’re golden.
I’ve begun to learn to accept Pain as the Dark Valley lying far below the Peak of Joy.
I’d never understand how high that summit was if I hadn’t climbed there from the foothills.
The disparity lends meaning to each extreme. I wish for it to make us focus on the blessings of our joys more greatly. Unfortunately, many of us (myself included, during a great many times in my life) dwell in that pain instead, and refuse to let it go, even when we’re at the peak. Somehow, we take it with us, wrapped like a shroud.
That’s a negativity that can color as much of your life as you give it room to roam over.
So, for much of my life I have said and done things here and there, again and again, to try to gain acceptance from others. This is not to say that I haven’t also been true to myself in many ways and embraced many of my differences but there has always been an undercurrent of intense need that has made me strive to be what others want from me.
What a foolish waste of time. What an endless recipe for misery.
The acceptance that follows from such a practice is false. It may feel good briefly, or on the surface, but it is acceptance under pretense and deception.
It is an illusion.
As an adult, and increasingly in the past several years, I have grown tired of trying to please others to gain approval, to appear to be someone I am not in order to receive {perceived} acceptance and {false} fellowship.
I am not interested in relationships built around the idea that I should change, am not what I should be, think/feel/believe the wrong things, need help to be better, am broken, or need to be or do more *whatever* to be good enough.
And while I’d like to say I don’t need others, I will fully admit that I do. This is also something new for me; this is part of shedding the “tough act.” I DO need friends. I DO need support. I DO need people who care about me.
However: I do not need you to solve my problems. I do not need you to guide me. I need you to care about me, have an interest in my well-being, want to laugh with me, and be willing to listen when I need or want to talk. I need you to accept me for who I am, what I am comfortable with, and what I am not. I need for you to like me for who I am, or leave me alone.
I need you to like me, to even love me, for who I am right now, in this very moment.
And I will do the same for you.
If we are different, I am happy to find our similarities and celebrate them. I am happy to accept our differences and move forward. It *is* okay to be different, that really is true. What I have come to feel very deeply is that when you can accept someone, despite their differences, without trying to change them, that is true acceptance.
That is the basis for real friendship, humanity, and love.
[I am also okay with not needing to be friends with everyone. Tolerance and acceptance are the most important when there are differences that drive us apart.]
When I was a little girl, I loved Popeye, and I delighted in him saying, in his scruffy, twisty voice, “Iyam what Iyam, and that’s all that Iyam!” And I guess that’s what I’m saying. I am what I am, and that’s all that I am. And it’s enough.
I am Me.
I am {learning, growing, adjusting to being} comfortable with who I am. I know I am a being in process, unrefined, unsure, and, in many ways, different than others, different than you. I accept me for who I am.
I accept you for who you are, too.
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rachel
{sigh}
Deep inhalation.
yes.
Twitter: sthrnfairytale
shab
YES!!
I wish our 30-something selves could go back to our 12-year old selves and let them know this “secret”.
But, I guess it was all part of the journey. And to be where I am now, the journey was worth it.
Gabriel
Excellent. Inspiring. Who wouldn’t like you?
Twitter: lfwaterloo
Tweets that mention Me is {more than} enough. @ i am lotus -- Topsy.com
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by SthrnFairytale, Aubree Southern and Moms Who Blog, NSIDE Nashville. NSIDE Nashville said: Me is {more than} enough.: I wrote this post over 4 months ago. It is the culmination of a tangled, emotional st… http://bit.ly/eB0PBS [...]
LynneBW
Lovely. I found myself nodding, agreeing, tearing up. You wrote so eloquently what it’s taken me 40+years to uncover. Authenticity is beautiful and there is nothing to fear.
Thank you for sharing yourself. {{{hugs}}}
barbarabaker
Lotus~you are amazing. Your writing can suck a person in, in an instant. Your pictures can take a person away to another place, time, and memory…
This post is beautiful…as were you, when you were younger! Too cute!!!
Twitter: blogfully
Kim - Mommycosm
Lotus, I love this and I loved finally meeting you in person at Blissdom.
Jess
Let’s make out. (in that totally platonic, not really making out per se, but perhaps a cheek kiss and a firm hug)
Thanks for publishing this one. No better time than right this very second in my life to read the words, the emotions, the truths.
xoxo
Adrienne
I’m trying to get there, where I believe (even a little bit) that I am enough. Thank you for showing me that it’s possible.
Twitter: NoStylePoints
Jennifer S^N
Lotus,
Thank you for all your vulnerability. When I first saw Brene Brown’s video on line, I watched that video 20 times!!! I feel reminded that I Am (more than) enough too…all the Love in the world to you! Amazing post!
Adventures In Babywearing
It’s like I’ve heard this very thing whispered in my soul and want it so badly.
I also find it always amazing that some of the very people I think of as beautiful and together and sure are just the same as me inside.
Steph
Sherry Carr-Smith
Don’t you love those moments when you read something you need to read at exactly the right time? Thanks for doing that for me today. And I think you’re pretty awesome just the way you are.
Twitter: prCarrS
Mishi
You wrote this for so many of us. Thank you for that, my friend.
I {forever} love you.
Tabitha
Mmm…I needed that at the exact moment I read it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Brigid
I have been mulling over some thoughts from my Blissdom experience that show I haven’t gotten all the way to this enlightened state. I’m working on it. I appreciate you sharing.
XXO
Julie @ The Mom Slant
I really love this. Three paragraphs in particular resonated so clearly that I wish I’d been able to articulate them myself.
Thanks for publishing. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on this.
Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas]
Lotus -
Thank you for writing this and having the courage to publish it. It’s what I really needed to hear today.
Twitter: fandpinlv
Dumblond
Have you….are you…WHY ARE YOU PSYCHIC?!!! I have been grappling with these same thoughts for many months but I’m sure I could never have put it so eloquently as you.
Thank you for putting this out into the ether…
Twitter: shana.dumblondgmail.com
Momo Fali
Oh hon, I ADORE you for you. You make my soul sing.
Twitter: momofali
Bridget
I have one of those posts sitting in my drafts folder, too.
–“I am enough… but not quite enough to publish to the world that I am enough.”–
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Twitter: iveyleaguemama
carol anne
>> I learned to put on a tough act, pretend I didn’t care. But I did, I cared so much it hurt. <<<
Oh my gosh this *points above* is so me and not only will I brush off hurt feelings I'll tell you I'm okay no matter how sick or hurt I am.
Thank you for sharing this. I wish I could be half as eloquent and well thought out in expressing what I am going through.
Twitter: NJDreaming
Michelle
Thank you. Just Thank you.
Cynthia
We have never met, but I feel like I know you. I have been reading your blog for the past year or so and I can honestly say this was the most beautiful thing you have written. I loved every word you wrote. You have made me look at myself and now I must be honest with myself. Thank You!! You are an amazing woman, thank you for being you.
lceel
This fat old man couldn’t have said it any better. <3
Twitter: lceel
Sally
It takes courage to publish your post. Thank you for sharing. I too struggle with feelings of inadequacy. So many do. It’s the brave few like you who let us know we are not alone and we are good enough as we are.
Lauren Vargas
My friend, Sherry pointed me to this post (also commented above) and I cannot tell you how much I needed to read these words at this exact moment.Acceptance is a gift you have shared with all of us. Thank you.
Texan Mama
So beautifully written and so complete. You really nailed this one perfectly.
I always wonder, the people who I followed, trying to impress, did they do the same, trying to follow & impress other people?
I wonder if it’s a cycle, and if there really is ANYONE who’s truly happy with themselves, enough to just follow their own heart.
I also believe that everything you went through was necessary to get you to the wonderful person that you are today. Not that it was easy, but you’ve come through to the other side stronger and more compassionate.
And, lastly, I also think what you went through, while it feels so strange and unique and personal, is probably the same thing many teens have gone through and continue to go through. I think, at a time when we are searching to figure out who we are, we naturally try to follow other people who look like they have their shit together. And it does start to feed on our insecurities, this inability to accept ourselves as good and worthwhile and valid. But it comes at a time when we’re growing, when our self-actualization (is that a word?) isn’t yet complete. In essence, we all NEED to go through this to discover who we are. And it’s painful and confusing and it completely sucks. But looking back, it was for a purpose, ya know?
Twitter: texmama
MommyNamedApril
love from one southern heathen misfit to another. you are perfection. xo
Twitter: mommynamedapril
Anne
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Suess
sarah
<3
(I'm so bad about reading blogs lately, but glad to have stumbled over this via the link in your Blissdom recaps)
Yes. I'm not there yet. I'm trying to find that acceptance of myself… but I'm journeying.
Love you for you.
Twitter: SarahInMI