Nashville For Dummies
- At January 13, 2009
- By Lotus Carroll
- In Guest Post, Humor, Relationships
26
Who Also Happen To Be Lovestruck, Underage, and Extremely Gullible
So, Lotus clearly hates you and wants you to be miserable, and I know this because she asked me* to guest post for her. I only agreed because I actually have some valuable information to share with you, her devoted readers. You see, I remembered that there is some blog get-together thingy going on in Nashville in February, and I realized that many of you dear Sarcastic Mom readers will probably be going to that, if for no other reason than to get a view of The Rack close up. Something you don’t know is that I am The World’s Leading Authority on visiting Nashville.
Because I did.
Once.
So naturally, I am more than obliged to provide you all my expert advice on navigating through Lotus’ hometown and getting yourself good and married in 17 easy steps. Prepare to be dazzled.
Fall head over heels in love with your bald, fat, 9 years older than you restaurant manager before you even come close to your twenties.
Let him take wild advantage of you, your car, your ability to both drive legally and go more than 17.39 seconds without snorting anything up your nose.
Hunt him down over the course of 18 months after he takes off from Denver to Nashville with little more than a “So long and thanks for all the fish” mumbled in your general direction one day.
Drive 23 hours straight through the pouring rain to spend two long, glorious weeks winning him back. In Nashville. That’s the key to this whole thing working.
Get to his apartment after getting totally turned around trying to go straight through on the 65 only to end up on some horrible, middle of the night, lost and alone goosechase that lands you on the 40, which is weird only because the 65 and the 40 don’t exactly hit each other even remotely closely to where you wanted to be in the first place.
After finally arriving, have the most awkward make up sex the world has ever known, or ever will know, and watch as he over the span of four hours goes from professing his undying love and suggesting marriage to forgetting you ever existed in the first place. Make sure this happens within your first 24 hours there, so you’re certain to have 13 more days to be stuck waiting for your next paycheck to be deposited so you can get the hell out of there already.
Get fed up 10 days into your 14 day stay because you’ve been stuck in his apartment with his roommate that you don’t even know, you’ve read all your books, and it’s still raining all around you. Realize you are a rain god.
Get into your car and drive. ANYWHERE. End up dead smack in the middle of downtown Nashville, totally on accident. Park and walk. ANYWHERE. Check out Vanderbilt. Follow the river for a ways and end up in some back alley bar with a fabulous live band and a fabulous random guy more than willing to buy you drinks all night.
Get said guy’s number.
Call said guy in front of dipshit ex-boss.
Get taken out by jealous ex-boss to a company function, get introduced as “the bff” and later that night get asked to move to Nashville with him. WITH him.
Drive 23 hours back to Denver, straight, and start packing your life up. If you survive the Kansas stretch.
Get a call at work two weeks later from the man you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with saying he’s just met the woman he plans to spend the rest of his life with.
Die.
Get the hot guy at work shit-faced drunk and nail him in your car to make it all go away.
Marry hot guy from work.
Thank god for small favours. And Jack Daniels.
*Me would be Mr Lady, which is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the post.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Mr. Lady is an amazing writer, a hell of a strong woman, and a damn sexy broad. She authors Whiskey In My Sippy Cup. Not being subscribed to her website is like waking up in the morning and finding out someone has removed both of your lungs. (Have you ever woken up dead? Don’t start tomorrow… visit her today.)
Besides. There’s a half-naked photo of her on her sidebar, for crying out loud! Go.Now.
PS: She asked me not to blurb her because it makes her uncomfortable, but I like it when hot chicks squirm.
26 comments
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The Awesome
Zoeyjane
I knew if I read for Mr Lady for long enough, I’d get to find out how The Donor got his title. Seriously, people all over the place are debunking this rebound myth, with children and cross-continent moves.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Drawing the Line
Anissa@hope4peyton
I’m going to Nashville for Blissdom, but I would probably totally have gone for this too…really glad you didn’t marry the fat balding guy.
Anissa@hope4peytons last blog post..and the house goes to….(guess who watched the Golden Globes last night)
perpstu
Wow. Really glad you didn’t marry fat, balding guy! I’ll keep these notes in my pocket when I make my trip out….
perpstus last blog post..Simply Kind Tuesday #10 Kindness, It Does a Body Good!
Twitter: perpstu
kompostela
Why noone likes fat, balding men:))) They are too cute:))))
kompostelas last blog post..10 Things My Toddler Teaches Me Every Day
Kitty
Love it!!
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Huh. Good to know how NOT to do Nashville. Now, can anyone suggest a good bar?!?
Twitter: mommy_wins
Domestic Extraordinaire
Is there a bus tour that takes us around Nashville to see these sites?
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Haiku Friday
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
At least you got to nail (and marry) the hot guy.
That kind of rules.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..The Sound of My Children’s Laughter
Double Whammy
[...] I’d go read those posts. One’s about sex, and the other one is about, um, errr, sex. In [...]
Redneck Mommy
Interesting.
Knowing the back story made this all the more fun.
Don’t you wish you and I could meet up with fat ex-boss and totally make out in front of him so he’d die a little knowing what an ass he was for losing you?
We should do that.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..This Post is Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed On the Internet
Twitter: talesfromtyahoo.ca
Kori
Man, I have finally realized truly and full that I can never, ever compete with Mr. Lady. After all, I have never been to Nashville.
Koris last blog post..Waiting for Grace
lynette
I’ve been to Nashville too! Unfortunately there was no hunting down of an ex-boss…but there WAS a large amount of drinking, a homecoming game and a battle of the bands…
but there also wasn’t any hot guy from work to nail when I returned either. Bummer.
lynettes last blog post..Monday Meanderings
nonna
hey, i’ve LIVED in nashville and have yet to have an experience like that (thank goodness!) although me and the ex-hubby did drive from florida in 2 cars for 24 hrs (should have been a 12 hr drive-but the truck kept overheating so we had to drive only 40mph) to get out of florida before hurricane andrew struck. we were originally planning to finish packing and leave the next day, but nooooo we had to just throw all of our shit in the truck and head for the hills in the middle of the night. it. sucked.
btw, what is this bloggy thing in Feb. in Nashville?? i only live an 1 1/2 away (got smart and moved out of that traffic nighmare formerly known nashville)
nonnas last blog post..today is what day, tuesday?
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
I can’t friggin WAIT to rub up on/cuddle with Mr Lady in July.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Patting My Own Back Fat
Miss
Is “thanks for all the fish” code for sex and or giving you head?
I’m super curious about that.
Misss last blog post..Knock Knock
Jeanette
LOL!
Twitter: jenty
imaginary binky
Wow. The romance. The excitement. The adrenaline.
You make Nashville sound like it’s just a step down from Reno, and I know a thing or two about Reno. Haha.
Now, if only you had been wearing a rhinestone covered jumpsuit throughout this ordeal…
- Sarah
imaginary binkys last blog post..Coffee Dude, part deux
katie ~ motherbumper
Oh great, now I’m going to have to tape you and Tanis making out too.
Anyhow, this should make my visit to Nashville more interesting next month – can I get this walking tour on audio tape with a star map?
katie ~ motherbumpers last blog post..breakfast of truffles
Jenny
Oh MY Gosh- girl you have a gift.
Leanne
Huh. Now I know what I’m doing wrong. I gotta get myself to Nashville.
Leannes last blog post..Baby, it’s cold outside
bejewell
Now fully expecting to see some racks in Nashville. Shake-Shake has promised to hump my leg, too.
bejewells last blog post..It’s All About the Lighting… and the Pretty Fairies (Obviously)
SECRET AGENT MAMA
I love how everyone thinks you are theirs. We all know damn well that you are my girlfriend!
rebecca
I dated your ex – or a reasonable facsimile thereof. He kept telling me he was voted hottest bod in high school. What a tool.
rebeccas last blog post..Not Selling Girl Scout Cookies Online
Kelley
Seriously chick, I had no idea what to write for my guest post, but I think I will take your lead.
My tale is no where near as devastatingly hilarious as yours, but it has a pretty similar theme. Except MPS was not bald.
Kelleys last blog post..If you are reading this post then that means I am not dead.
Judith Shakespeare
You know… Nashville is only like three hours away from me.
And I swear on all that is holy, that if you brave another trip in this direction, I’ll keep you joyfully occupied. Promise.
Judith Shakespeares last blog post..The Tao of Tee: A Wordless Wednesday
Marge
Ok so we go from the making babies tutorial to the hooking up with baby daddy story and I’m thinking you will want to devise some clever way to instill fear in the heart of 3of3. Fear of of making babies in back seats.