Next time, I’ll aim for the pickles and tuna.
I am seriously in need of a super large mug of coffee right now.
This morning I woke up on the couch (I am completely unable to sleep in my bed when John is gone) and my brain was talking to me. In blogpostese.
It was composing a blog post.
Which, you know, my brain really hasn’t done of its own volition in a long, long time. I mean, it used to do that all.the.time. So I don’t know if this is a sign that my muse is actually back this time and I’ll be posting a lot more often again, or if it’s just a sign that I really shouldn’t have gotten up at 3am and eaten that spoon full of creamy peanut butter with my eyes half open.
Does anyone else do that shit when they’re trying to lose weight?! I think something is wrong with me. Waking in the night to sabotage your own weight-loss efforts in order to damage that bitch’s self-esteem is probably not a sign of excellent mental health. Just sayin.
So, anyway, last night I totally dreamt of this guy from back when I was in school. Remember school?
And by school, I don’t mean all those losery years you spent actually working your ass off in college/grad school.
And don’t even tell me that you spent all those years partying, getting drunk and drugged off your ass and being a total whore with anyone who would hang around while you dropped trou. Because I KNOW that those years are for serious academic pursuit and the preparation for your successful adult life. Besides. I did all that other stuff in high school already.
What I mean is the grade school years. Dig in and pull up all your “Stand By Me” memories, folks. This is what I’m referring to presently.
His name is Kenneth, and I always found him to be sort of quirky and really nice. And we shared the exact same birthday, which I thought was the coolest thing since crotchless underwear. (None of your business, it was a weird 4th grade year.)*
Kenneth is literally the only person I have ever met that has the same birthday as I. And really, I always thought that was some special kind of groovy. I kind of always figured him for my super secret long-lost twin.
In addition to that being totally crazy and interesting, it means that my real dad, out there somewhere, is African American. Which really kind of makes this super pale skin and my complete lack of dancing groove a total embarrassment to the other side of my family. And for that reason, I can understand why they have kind of pretended I don’t exist this whole time. And I can forgive.
But I digress.
In my dream, Kenneth was in this convention area thingy or something (back off, it was a dream) and he was standing behind a podium when I walked by and noticed him there. Of course, I totally stopped walking to where I was currently going, and went over to talk to him (super secret twin importantness, duh).
He was set with a large audience of people who were filing in, and was about to sing the entire last chapter of some religious book in another language. No, I don’t remember what book or what language, or even why in the damn hell he would have been doing that (dream, remember?) but I do remember one thing. I was HELLA impressed. And also really bummed, because I totally had to go to this other thing, so I couldn’t attend.
I told him I had to go to a jazz concert instead.
WTFH? Who goes to a jazz concert instead of watching their super secret twin friend from grade school sing the entire last chapter of some crazy religious book in another language? That’s the kind of shit you get a super footlong hotdog and a big gulp for and you watch that with bursting excitement and pride.
But, no. Jazz concert.
And then, you know what I did? I didn’t even go to a jazz concert. I went to some random classroom where, apparently, I was the guest of honor, because they made me sit up front next to the teacher and everyone clapped. And then she made me say something about myself.
I did. It was incredibly intelligent and intensely hilarious. Everyone clapped and laughed and there was much carrying on.
But I don’t remember what I said.
Which is really pissing me off, since I’m absolutely positive it contained the key to happiness for my entire life, and if I just knew what it was, all my problems would cease to exist. Of course, my own brain is still in on the whole “sabotaging my happiness” thing, and it refuses to retrieve this information for me.
Douche.
So then, after that class thing was over, I exited the building and noticed that all sorts of hell was breaking loose over by the convention area thingy. Every manner of emergency vehicle was all over the place and the atmosphere in general was grey and ominous.
I ran over to find out what the hell was going on, and some official person told me that Kenneth had been murdered while he was singing his religious thing.
Apparently some crazy ass terrorist type person ran up and shot him, and then jumped on him until he went through the floor and into a large vat below the podium, which was full of some type of liquid that dissolved Kenneth.
Uh. Don’t even ask me. I have no idea.
So, Kenneth was dead, and he never even got to finish singing his religious-in-a-different-language-thing and I was supposed to be there for my super secret twin friend from grade school, but I wasn’t.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, I woke up in the middle of the night last night (different time than the peanut butter sabotage event), and an ominous voice inside my head said, “The end of the world is not far off. You have had your time with your son. You will not see your husband again.” And then I fell asleep again.
Which is all pretty much making me lean towards the whole “don’t freaking eat a big spoonful of peanut butter in the middle of the night” thing.
I hope you are alright, Kenneth.
*No. I did not actually have any experiences with crotchless underwear as a child. I was actually not into that kind of thing at all. Studded leather was more my style.
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The Awesome
Betsey
I once had a dream that my husband and Scott Baio were a serial killing team that went by one name. Mr… Something or other.
That has nothing to do with your dream, but you’re not alone.
In that or the diet sabotage thing.
Betseys last blog post..Ousting Hobos From The Back Alley Party Zone
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why!
You must avoid eating peanut butter in the middle of the night. To chewy and when yougo back to sleep, your mouth is all “Hmm, chewy peanut butter” and your brain is all “Dreeaaming…WTF was thet, peanut butter?” Confuses your dream mojo with its sticky goodness. Then the wires get crossed and short circuit.
Just a theory.
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why!s last blog post..God’s Children
Jessica
Oh man, that was my night a couple days ago. Been trying to lose weight for, well, ever and I got up and ate a piece of chocolate(cause midnight snacks don’t count right? RIGHT?!?) and later that night I dreamed about my daughter and her (horrible IRL) school. And like, they were doing all this stuff to her and treating her like she was retarded, which made me mad, but then, I found out the drilled a hole in her head with like a drill press with no anesthesia and put in a hearing aid cause they thought she couldn’t hear since she didn’t follow directions(as apposed to just being a 7 year old) I woke up furious and sad and sick to my stomach, just typing it makes me nauseated again. Maybe it’s our brain punishing us for our late night sneaks?
Oh, and I never know/remember what I say when I give fantastic advice and speeches in dreams.
Jessicas last blog post..Happy Mothers Day
Marylin
The other night I had a dream that my city was being bombed… that was some weird shit. Maybe it was something in the stars making us have crazy dreams?
Marylins last blog post..He’s back! He’s gone again… /sigh
Miss
I know FOR A FACT that this will not help your mental state right now, but you might want to track that homie down. He might in fact be dead.
I KNOW. I’m SORRY. But dreams freak me the fuck out.
But I do love you long time.
Misss last blog post..If Ordinary equals Awesome
Mrs. F
You know it is possible to be impregnated by two different men at the same time, right. I mean, the chances are like, one in a gazillion or something, but whatever. Kenneth could TOTALLY be your twin. Hey, I’m just sayin’.
Domestic Extraordinaire
Dude, that is some effed up dream.
I too wake in the middle of the night cramming not so healthy food into my face. Luckily it hasn’t hindered the weight loss this time.
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Giggles circa 1980something
jill
I hate freak ass dreams like that. and the stupid fridge calling to you in hte middle of the night. should be outlawed.
jills last blog post..To trophy or not to trophy?
Amanda
Yikes. I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who has crazy ass dreams like that.
Try dreaming that you saved a baby that fell from a crashing airplane – because the news broadcasted a video of said falling baby and issued an advisory to be on alert for it as if it were a hailstorm or something.
And then, the baby was a plastic baby like the kind you’d find in a king cake – but you did not find this in the least bit odd. You took the baby to the hospital, where it was brought to life, and you were renowned as a national hero.
Meh. At least my story had a happy ending, though. I’m sure Kenneth is alright, but maybe you should look him up just in case.
Amanda
Yikes. I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who has crazy ass dreams like that.
Try dreaming that you saved a baby that fell from a crashing airplane – because the news broadcasted a video of said falling baby and issued an advisory to be on alert for it as if it were a hailstorm or something.
And then, the baby was a plastic baby like the kind you’d find in a king cake – but you did not find this in the least bit odd. You took the baby to the hospital, where it was brought to life, and you were renowned as a national hero.
Meh. At least my story had a happy ending, though. I’m sure Kenneth is alright, but maybe you should look him up just in case.
Kat
Dude. I never crave peanut butter UNLESS I’m on a diet. WTF?
Loved the dream. It read very much like the long-weird-involved dreams go. So sorry about Kenneth. Hope you remember what you said.
I write in my dreams sometimes and it’s freaking AMAZING, and I try to wake up, but can’t. Suck.
Kats last blog post..Crafternoon
Rachael
I’m so glad I am not the only one who has incredibly detailed crazy convoluted long dreams. If I was funnier I would write some of them down. Maybe I’ll try anyhow and just see how it turns out.
BTW, haven’t been here in a little bit and I love your new look!
Rachaels last blog post..The Fates Have Spoken: Were Your Faves Renewed?
Twitter: rachael1013
Silly Momma
I agree with Rachael. Love the new look and am so glad to read this post. I have missed you. I too have had weird, nightmarish dreams for the last 2 nights. Vivid! Freakish! Maybe it is some kind of weird “in the stars” thing(per Marilyn). Amazed to see how many of you suffer with sugar/snack calls in the middle of the night! How does my husband not do it? Anyone know of any men that do this? Or is this another curse soley for us women?
Veronica
Yeah, I’d say don’t eat peanut butter at 3am.
Veronicas last blog post..How to tell if you’re getting Mastitis.
Amo
To think, I only tweet in my sleep.
Amos last blog post..It’s kind of like own a pit bull, but without the ability to tie them in the yard.
Athena
Next time, grab the nutella instead.
x~A
Athenas last blog post..Site Graphics
lceel
You crazy, lady. Oh, and by the way, may I say I REALLY like that shot of you in the black halter top? Yeow-zah.
lceels last blog post..Fore!
Twitter: lceel
Missy
Yep, probably a good idea to nix the PB from your early morning hours…
You are too funny!
P.S. I love the new look of the site! LOVE it!
Missys last blog post..Hair debate and other mumblings…
Twitter: molassa
Lu
Dude. Poor Kenneth. Not cool terrorist guy, not cool.
Maybe Kenneth *is* your diet and the terrorist *is* the peanut butter. Just a thought.
Elisa
Dude. Blogpostese is the best language ever. You are a misunderstood genius, you.
Also, the diet sabotage? Been doing that for years. Which would explain my current fat ass.
Elisas last blog post..One with nature? Pfffft.
bejewell
I woke up this morning with my son, in his bed. Which normally I guess wouldn’t be such a strange thing, except that I have NO MEMORY of getting up and going in there.
I don’t know why it felt important to share that, but there you have it. I’m a sleepwalking nut.
bejewells last blog post..Funny
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
So the drugs you took BEFORE the spoonful of peanut butter had nothing to do with it then?
Twitter: mommy_wins
anymommy
That might put me off peanut butter. No, wait, it wouldn’t, I love peanut butter, but it might make me think twice about midnight snacks!
anymommys last blog post..Cusp
WackyMummy
Important Note:
Peanut butter can HELP you lose weight… I swear by it… maybe you’re not eating enough??? Don’t eat the low-fat stuff… has too much sugar and chemicals… just saying…
Dreams? Go look Kenneth up. It might be the universe trying to tell you something.
You are my new hero. I won’t be able to blog for months now after reading your stuff. Can you ever write!!!!
WackyMummys last blog post..Fun Friday Foto Madness
Cramming nuts and wieners in my mouth. Oh yeah. I said it. | Sarcastic Mom
[...] already know that I wandered into the kitchen at 3am one night and crammed my mouth full of sticky smashed [...]
Karen MEG
I would totally tell you to lay off that peanut butter, but you know, in the last year of my nutrition program, I included it in the hypothetical diet of an imaginary obese woman who wasn’t getting enough protein. And I got an A.
I did not, however, realize the bonus hallucinogenic properties of said diet aid. Wowza.
Karen MEGs last blog post..Gimme Sympathy
Weight Loss Secret
Hi,
I am so glad I am not the only one who has incredibly detailed crazy convoluted long dreams. If I was funnier I would write some of them down. Maybe I’ll try anyhow and just see how it turns out.
Thanks.