• Your words desrcribe exactly how I feel at the moment.

    I really wish it was that easy to let go.. but it’s not. I don’t know what it is but it just seems so much easier to focus on the negative instead of anything positive. Doing that just sucks everything out of you.

    There are so many things I want to let go of – but just can’t seem to. One day…

    Frances’s last blog post..We are Broken

    April 28, 2008
  • Beautiful metaphor. And nope, you are not alone. Time has healed lots of my hurts, and the one that’s still there strongest keeps getting crammed back down my throat just when I think it’s OK, but that’s another story for another day that I won’t be sharing publicly on the Internets. I hope your swan soon swims free.

    Maggie’s Mind’s last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 4/27/08

    April 28, 2008
  • Beautifully written hon. I have one Swan that just keeps coming back, something I won’t put on the internet, but it’s difficult to let go sometimes isn’t it?

    Marylin’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #18

    April 28, 2008
  • Michelle

    I understand about your swan, and I’ve learned (after a lot of time) that it’s good to find a safe place/person, take the swan out, unfold it, hold it up to the light and it doesn’t look so bad…..It is also REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to do this, but when you are ready and in a safe place it will happen. And then all the energy you use (and I use) to hide the swan away can be used in another, healthier way. God bless as you heal your swan.

    April 28, 2008
  • Oh, Lotus. I think we all have our swans. And they are HARD to let go of. :( Hugs to you…

    Rebecca’s last blog post..Swoon…

    April 28, 2008
  • I am still clinging to my swans and I wish I wasn’t.


    Veronica’s last blog post..Needs Some Techie Help

    April 28, 2008
  • Deb


    Thank you. Thank you for helping me see that I am not the only one with swans. The thing that hurts me so much about my swans is that I am the one who created the hurt. Not intentionally, but it arose out of deep hurts that were inside my soul. I have a swan that kills me with hurt and guilt. I am glad I’m not alone.

    Deb’s last blog post..Not the dentistry from the 70’s

    April 28, 2008
  • Taz

    i am with you on that one lotus

    Taz’s last blog post..27 Weeks Old

    April 28, 2008
  • powerful.

    I always think of it in terms of pressing on a bruise to be CERTAIN it still hurts when I do.

    MizFit’s last blog post..Monday Facetime.

    April 28, 2008
  • We do all have our Swans. It’s amazing how strong we can be with some, but how others cling for much longer. It’s like we feel like we NEED to keep it around.

    MizFits bruise analogy is terribly fitting.

    autumn dahlia’s last blog post..Foto Friday (1)

    April 28, 2008
  • I’ve been thinking about something similar to this too. And yes, I am trying to remember the things that are good. Sometimes it’s hard to just remember the good things, because life is intertwined with good and bad things. It’s hard to remember one without the other…

    Karen’s last blog post..Watch Out, Chicago!

    April 28, 2008
  • I have my own swan. I’m not sure whether I want to ignore it and forget about it, or beat the crap out of it and THEN forget about it.

    Problem is, until I do one of the two, I won’t be able to forget about it. Or so it seems…

    Gabriel’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #12 – Apr/20 to Apr/26

    April 28, 2008
  • Nope we all have them. I am getting better at catching myself when I get stuck in that swan thought process and I can snap out of it.

    When it pops up, I either try and remember to present or I just sit with it and accept and in both cases I can move on.

    Sorry for your pain.

    blogversary’s last blog post..first five months…backwards

    April 28, 2008
  • Sue

    I have a swan or two as well. *hugs* That’s all I can give you today. Nothing profound. No miracles. No magic wands. Just hugs.

    Sue’s last blog post..It Can Happen With Clothes On Too

    April 28, 2008
  • Oh, I know.
    Something happened a few years ago in my marriage and even now, when we’re happy, I like to take it out and let it darken my skies.

    Beck’s last blog post..You turn around for JUST ONE SECOND

    April 28, 2008
  • Wendy

    You’re not alone….I can completly relate 100%….going through the same thing….problem is I have so many of them and it hurts so bad……sending a big hug your way…

    Wendy’s last blog post..Poor Geese…..

    April 28, 2008
  • I don’t know.

    I’m just learning to let go of some hurt after almost 2 decades…It takes a long long time…especially when the wound is so deep.

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..Free to be

    April 28, 2008
  • I have the same issues, obsessing over the past, holding on to hurt until it eats me up from the inside out. The only thing that really helped me, to be honest, was some group therapy and having the self discipline to FORCE myself to let things go, even when I didn’t think I could, I just made myself do it. Even now I often have to resist that morbid urge to open all the black doors in my heart and bathe myself in every painful memory and emotion I have, but I do resist. I have too many things that are important to me now. People that love me for who I am, not who I was. They need me to stay healthy and happy, and the people in your life need that too.

    lilacspecs’s last blog post..Where Are You Going? Where Do You Go?

    April 28, 2008
  • Ree

    You are definitely NOT the only one.

    Ree’s last blog post..Do Good, Part Deux

    April 28, 2008
  • No Lotus, you are not the only one. I hope time heals you.


    Hydes Like Us’s last blog post..Because I’m the Mom.

    April 28, 2008
  • My swans are origami platypus. They’re hard to fold back together. And weird looking.

    A Whole Lot of Nothing’s last blog post..Mmmmm… Back Fat

    April 28, 2008
  • We all have our swans. It’s so hard to float them down that river. I’ve tried many times with one of mine in particular and I always run and snatch it back up because I can’t let it go. That one is as old as I am, and I rarely look at it, but it sneaks up on me from time to time but I just can’t let it go. I’m sorry you have one too, hopefully it will leave you sooner rather than later.

    Jessica’s last blog post..I thought it was a myth

    April 28, 2008
  • Kay

    After reading that I thought of how I needed to dig a lake for all my swans, mostly because I suck at Origami so mine would have to be the real ones.
    No. You aren’t alone.

    Kay’s last blog post..Shhhh…everyone is asleep…..

    April 28, 2008
  • I love that you’ve called it a ‘swan’. I think we’ve all had things like this in our lives. I’m sure you’ll agree that if you could let it go, let the swan fly away, you’d be a happier, healthier person. But its not that easy. It takes time…happy thoughts to you today.

    Colleen’s last blog post..Namaste!

    April 28, 2008
  • I can so relate to this, and I love the way you’ve put it. I want to forget, but little things come up and remind me, and I don’t have the discipline? to push the thoughts out of my mind.

    Jane’s last blog post..Oceans Apart – For the Sake of the Call

    April 28, 2008
  • Tommi

    Swans keep us humble, but keeing a leash on the swan doesn’t allow us to live. Remember the good things, Lotus and let the swans fly away. (Do swans fly?)

    April 28, 2008
  • Wow. Well said.

    Shannon’s last blog post..all you need is to watch this movie

    April 28, 2008
  • cj

    You have to say hello to your pain before you can say good-bye to it. You have to shake hands with it, make peace with it. Really look at it for what it is and tell your self the truth about it. Once a person does this, it’s so much easier to let it go…so much easier. And the pain doesn’t hurt as much anymore. And it’s power is diminished.

    Been there, done that. Feeling way better.

    April 28, 2008
  • I see you already have a lot of “Yep. Me too.” comments. I’ll take a different route. When I get all avoidy with my memories, I try to distract myself with science. The science of how the brain retains memories. Why do we remember some things SO clearly, as if it just happened yesterday…and other events are just a foggy spot. The answer is usually endorphins or adrenaline. Super strong emotion, a bad fright, events that gave you butterflys to the point of puking…those are the stuff that make the brain swim in chemicals of strong memory. I don’t remember the endless parade of days in my high school years. Most of them are a blur. But I remember my days in junior high where I was bullied and humiliated. I’m crystal clear on memories from the day my best friend died. I remember my wedding day like it happened last week, but the reception does get fuzzy in spots. 😉 So what’s my point? It’s hard to cut something loose that has been so deeply etched into memory. You can hope that time will dull the crystal clarity of the events, but more likely you’ll need to find some way to change your perception of the event. Some might call it “letting go” or “moving on”, I just try to hang a sign around my swans’ necks with lables like “learning experience” or “cautionary tale” or “that person sucks and I’ll kick their ass if I ever see them again.” Yeah. That one needs a little work. Just give yourself time. Blogging is like free therapy. There is truth to the “it helps if you talk about it” line.

    Becky’s last blog post..Monday Photo Shoot #18: Unreal!

    April 28, 2008
  • You are DEFINITELY NOT the only one. I do this with so many things in my life. Lotus, I have a veritable flock of swans tucked away. And they are shitting all over my life.

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..Unus Annus

    April 28, 2008
  • I think every one holds on to hurt. I do hope we all learn to let it go though. One at a time.

    April 28, 2008
  • I hope you are soon able to let go of the hurt and move on. When you do, would you post about how on earth you managed to do it? I have several swans. One in particular is quite a nasty little bugger and the hurt hasn’t gotten any better after over 3 years. I need to learn to let it go. I guess letting go of the swans may be one of life’s great mysteries. Only when we figure out how will we be truly wise! Or something.

    Walking With Scissors’s last blog post..A Story With no point or Purpose. Just ‘Cause.

    April 28, 2008
  • We hold on to our hurts so that we don’t forget the past and make the same mistakes again. We learn from our hurts and if we let them go right away we wouldn’t learn as much. When you pull your swan out and stare it in the face, you are doing that at times when you need to be reminded about something related to that incident that will help you in your current situation.

    A really good example of what it would be like if we didn’t hold onto our swans is the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” If you haven’t seen it you should check it out.

    I am so sorry that you are hurting. But I hope you are learning too.

    RubiaLala’s last blog post..Should I Quit?

    April 28, 2008
  • justmylife

    We all hold on to our swans too long. I need to let mine take flight, but it is so hard to let go.

    justmylife’s last blog post..It’s Monday again!

    April 28, 2008
  • Dear, dear Lotus. It’s the hurts that make us human. It’s the hurts that, in many ways, define how we treat others. We say, ‘I’ll never do that to someone else’ – or – we say ‘It was done to me so by golly, I’m gonna do it to you’. Keep it in the box, and it’s just going to sit in there and fester. Let it out, and in the warm light of love and understanding, from those around you, it will just dry up and blow away. Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.

    Lou Lohman’s last blog post..I can’t make up my mind

    April 28, 2008
  • MP

    I don’t “get” swans…I am the one that the nun wanted to bonk on the head w/ a book cause I don’t “get” poetry or “meanings”..I’m one of those “just tell me what you mean”..so if I’m reading this right.. Someone very close to you did something VERY hurtful…and you can only remember the pain…the happy times are hard to grasp?
    Am I close…??
    If so them yes…. and I’m still bitter..screw the happy times..you fucked up (not you Lotus)…and lost what respect I had for you…and I don’t need to waste the time I have on this earth worrying about how bad you feel about screwing me over…cause you know what.. It’s not worth my time, tears or energy..

    Oooooo…did I just cross the line with venting on your comments? I hope not…cause I feel better!

    Live for you..the hot hubby…your cute booty big boy and the itsy bitsy baby…the main things that matter!

    MP’s last blog post..The new look

    April 28, 2008
  • Um, nope. You’re definitely not the only one.

    I kept everything bottled up inside for a very long time, thinking that it wasn’t affecting me. Or that if people saw my hurt, they would think I was weak. Or that my hurt would be all people saw when they looked at me and then all of the sudden I’d be like some kind of leper.

    I’ve slowly learned that isn’t true. I’ve been working on releasing a lot of the hurt, but after spending the past week at a survivors of abuse leader training, I’ve learned that I still have oh so far to go.

    April 28, 2008
  • As inane a movie as Pretty Woman is, Julia Roberts has a line in it that has always stuck with me. She says something about believing she was trash because the bad stuff is easier to believe than the good stuff.

    I know this doesn’t quite apply, but I think about that a lot. It’s so much easier to cling to the bad and the hurtful and the embarrassing than to step outside of it and say “I am good, I deserve to be happy, I am a strong person.” I can’t say I know why, I just know it is so.

    Good luck dealing with your swan. Maybe a well-struck match?

    Candy’s last blog post..Stuff That’s Keeping Me Up At Night

    April 28, 2008
  • kay

    Didn’t you mom ever tell you that you can only have one friend per name? So tell your other friend Kay to take a hike, I knew you first! 😉

    April 28, 2008
  • Eve

    “Why do we cling to hurt and often find it easier to focus on than joy?”
    I think I know the answer to this one. Believe it or not, the joy hurts the most. When I went through a divorce, which is the biggest hurt I’ve ever had, it was not the bad days, the black memories that made me cry. It was the good, loving memories. I think they hurt so much because they remind us that the black days were so unnecessary. Also the pain of loss – the mourning for those good times – is so much stronger than the other.

    Eve’s last blog post..Not on Vacation

    April 28, 2008
  • Beautiful post! You never cease to amaze me. I think everyone has those “swans” and we tend to hold on to them for various reasons.
    Hold on to yours until you are ready to let it go and feel safe and comfortable in doing so.
    Peace & Love!

    regina’s last blog post..Blog Of The Week #10 – I Don’t Give A Bleep!

    April 28, 2008
  • Susanne

    Wow, what a beautifully written explanation of how we hold onto our hurts.

    April 28, 2008
  • Everyone has the swans…

    Some are things we have done, some are things other people have done. There is always regret.

    But there is always a balance of pride about things that have gone right and things we have done right.

    April 28, 2008
  • Kat

    This is beautiful, Lotus. So well written. I think its so common, who hasn’t experienced that exact thing you are describing? It is possible to let them go. Maybe not easy, but possible. Personally, I think shedding some light on them is the only way to start.

    April 28, 2008
  • Hey girl, you are definitely not alone. I am VERY MUCH LIKE THAT. Its terrible, we know, deep inside. We shouldn’t be looking back into things that make us cry, angry, unhappy….but how often can we do that, truthfully…

    whenever we are alone, left in the dark, before we sleep, they crept beside our pillow and whisper….”have you forgotten about me?”…its hard sometimes…. realllly hard…..

    Angeline’s last blog post..Boy or Girl?

    April 28, 2008
  • This is a wonderful post. One of my most favorite posts I’ve read, here and elsewhere.
    (P.S. I cried watching that movie too. Nothing to be ashamed about…Maybe I am only saying that because I cried too?)

    Jenski’s last blog post..SCORE!

    April 28, 2008
  • Not the only one. Not at all. ((HUGS))

    Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Best Shot Monday: Two Fathers Toasting

    April 28, 2008
  • Can I just state the obvious? You’re not the only one.

    I’m not sure my hurts come in origami shapes, but I very much know what you’re talking about.

    April 28, 2008
  • Also, you’re not the only one who cried a little watching that movie.

    Even though it *was* reeeeeeallly cheesy.

    April 28, 2008
  • obviously, from the bagillion comments above, you know you’re not solo on the tin foil swan collection. I’d like to share what 13 going on 30 taught me:

    the dance from thriller will solve all of your problems. at least temporarily.

    zoeyjane’s last blog post..What’s Goin’ Down

    April 29, 2008
  • Somtimes our little swans stick around for three, four, fiv year or my. I’ve still got swans datingback to 1998. Occasionall I dust them off nd shove them back down. Sometimes it seems they will never go away.

    Beautful Post.

    Shannymar’s last blog post..Happy Birthday to me…

    April 29, 2008
  • Angie S

    Maybe we hold on to our Swans and keep them close so that we never forget that with the bad comes good. Those Swans help us become stronger and truly appreciate what we have.

    April 29, 2008
  • That is a beautiful analogy. I’m guilty too. I think it’s because I like to fix things and make people happy – my swans are the un-fixable and the things that made either me or someone else sad.

    Still, like the previous poster said – those swans build character. It makes me grateful for tiny perfect moments.

    calicobebop’s last blog post..Lost Bengeance and Survivor Antics

    April 29, 2008
  • Maybe we have to really look at the pain, unfolding the orgami and all, before it will go away completely? I’m not sure….but I don’t believe in shoving it down any further under the covers of good thoughts. Maybe you need more time to really grieve the hurt first?

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..The Miley Cyrus Photo Isn’t Hard to Understand

    April 29, 2008
  • Ron

    Here by way of Jenski.

    I not only have swans I have a nice little glass display case and I tend to walk by and look at them often.

    Hope your swans go away soon.

    Ron’s last blog post..Aimless and channeling Johnny Cash

    April 29, 2008
  • Your swan is particularly awkward to bury. It’s wings poke out of the dirt, even if you keep stomping on them. Was that a good enough metaphor? Heh.

    Your strength is incredible. All wounds can heal with time. Agreed, one year is definitely not enough.

    imaginary binky’s last blog post..Singing for our supper

    April 29, 2008
  • […] I may not post for awhile – not sure.  I appreciate your patience and understanding while I carefully fold another Swan. […]

    April 30, 2008
  • You’re not the only one who sometimes focuses more on the hurt than the joy.

    I’d have to say for me, this best explains how it felt after everything that happened when I lost my ex best friend—she didn’t die, some stuff happened culminating in something with our kids, and there was no going back. I went through months and months of kicking myself, and worrying about what I did to my daughter (because of putting her in the situation, not because of anything I actually did. Because I didn’t expect what happened to happen.), and as much as a year ago, the pain was still pretty deep (this all happened at the end of 2003). But now, it’s as if she’s just someone else on the street. I forgave her (I’m not saying it’s going to work for you to forgive whoever is involved or anything, I’m just saying this is what worked for me). Publicly. On my blog. And when I (think I) saw her in an intersection, going down the street perpendicular to me, you know what I felt? Nothing. And it was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

    The best thing that came out of it, though, were my 2 best friends from college. They were there to support me, encourage me, let me know I wasn’t the monster my heart was asking if I was.

    One day you might let it go. The time frame is different for all of us.

    Again, my heart. To you. You, in my prayers.


    Allison (aka AngelGal)’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #3 – First in 5 Years!

    May 03, 2008
  • zoe

    i like that you call it a swan….i always feel like its a scab that i am constantly picking at…

    zoe’s last blog post..Must Know Monday: Breastmilk Kegger

    May 05, 2008
  • […] I was tired and emotional after watching a movie and thinking of an old hurt. […]

    July 19, 2008

Leave a comment


Email(will not be published)*


Your comment*

Submit Comment

All Site Content: Copyright © Lotus Carroll // Theme: Copyright © Dandelion by Pexeto