our regularly scheduled program will return after this brief period of bliss

At February 05, 2010
By Lotus Carroll
In Being A Woman, Blogging Stuff, Friends, Happiness, Work
25

I got this tiny bell in the HerStory Workshop today, at Blissdom. Isn’t it cute? Thanks to Aliza and Maya. The exercises they offered were thought provoking. And I discovered that the story of my life is entitled, “I haven’t screwed up too bad, yet. But give me time.” You’d buy it, right?

I also want to give giant props to the ladies who paneled the Writer’s Craft Workshop. I *thoroughly* enjoyed myself – what a great discussion. I had the beginnings of what I think is going to be a very good post in my hands when I walked out of that room Thursday evening. Thank you so much, Megan, Arianne, Deb, and Amber.

I’ll be heading back to the Opryland Hotel (can you say “friggin’ gorgeous?”) tomorrow morning and staying until Sunday (Weekly Winners may post late this week, but it will be up by Sunday sometime.) Thank you so much, Monica & Bridget, for letting me share your hotel room.

Gotta go pack a bag now and get a little sleep before I hurry back over there tomorrow to hug on some more beeshes.

I love seeing so many women that I think the world of in one place.

Every time I hear a squee, an angel gets her wings.

And then, all the other parents in the play area turned and gave me that look.

You know, the one that simultaneously says, “Oh, wow, that is kind of awesome” and “Ohhh, honey, I’m so sorry” as well as “I AM SO INSANELY HAPPY I’M NOT YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME NOT DANCING A JIG AT THIS VERY MOMENT!”

(I mostly identify with thought #1.)

digital parenting. yes, it means more than just tweeting all day while your kid is locked in the closet. at least that’s what i’ve been told. (pffffft)

Disclosure: while I was not paid for this post specifically, I am compensated for my work on the Family Connections citizen journalism project. Seeing as how I invite you all to crawl up in my butt on a regular basis, I thought maybe I should tell you that.

For the past few months, I’ve been participating in BlogHer’s Family Connections citizen journalism project as a Momspotter. Basically that means I tweet a few times a day with the #momspotting hashtag about how I use technology in my day-to-day parenting life. I also write forum posts on the Family Connections Group at Blogher about digital parenting topics. I’ve had a lot of fun talking about this stuff, and it’s made me consider the impact of digital technology on my family in much more depth. Seeing thoughts from other parents who have older kids has also made me realize what we might be facing in the years to come! There’s a little meme associated with this project, and I’m going to answer the questions here, for your amusement and inspiration.

(More disclosure: I totally ripped off the “for your amusement and inspiration” phrase from an episode of Spongebob Squarepants, because that is the level of intelligence I strive to emulate. When I was typing it, I heard his voice in my head. At some point, I can promise you that I’m going to work the phrase “The official testament of how heartily we party… hearty?” into a post. Yes, I am a highly educated and classy sophisticate with incredibly literate and lofty aspirations.)

Anyway, If you like this meme, feel free to do one yourself and leave a link in the comments or tweet it with the #momspotting hashtag. (And if you hate the word “meme,” like I do, you can totally set a flaming bag of dog poo at its front door while we laugh and hide behind a tree. And just call this a survey. Or something.)

Which expensive electronic device do you most often let your older children abuse or your baby drool on?
Braden is neither a baby nor an older child, so I guess it’s fitting that he alternately abuses and drools on my iPhone. I know. Even I think I’m a certified moron for letting him anywhere near such an expensive piece of technology, but he’s supervised (I don’t let him walk away with it) and he’s much more careful with it than you might think. Sometimes I let him play a game alone, sometimes we engage in an activity together. My favorite has been watching him create his own songs with layered tracks using the Zoozbeat App. And you can see from this photo how tickled he is by that. Totally worth letting him play with the expensive gadget. And I have those songs saved. They go in my “Braden” file right along with all the digital photos and videos of him.

How many take-out restaurant numbers do you have programmed into your phone?
I actually have absolutely none of these programmed into my phone. I do, however, have several apps that can tell me what the nearest places are where I can get all kinds of things, from free wifi, to coffee, to food, to a happy ending, I mean a massage. *cough* John, however, does have numbers programmed into his phone for take-out from restaurants… because I HATE calling and placing orders and, as such, I force him to do it. Because I’m a control freak a good delegator of tasks to those who are best suited to complete them most effectively. (I used to be in Retail Management, can you tell? Heh.)

How many hours of television do you so totally not let your kids watch a week?
Hahaha, well, Braden used to watch several hours of cartoons on PBS every morning, and sometimes in the afternoons, as well. Some days, there would be no TV. Most days, there was a lot of PBS (we only get limited basic, so there’s literally no other children’s programming for him to watch on TV). Various DVDs were in the mix, too (kiddie music, Thomas, etc). Over time, I decided he’d behave better if I limited his TV exposure. So now he watches at most 2-3 hours of something – that includes DVD watching. At least a couple days a week, we call “NO TV” all day. For the most part, he’s okay with it. Sometimes he LOSES HIS MIND. For all of 5 minutes. Then he gives up and moves on. And his behavior is much better with less television viewing. We have a motto: “Too much TV is bad for your brain!” He says it now. (I’m trying to get him to stop saying, “No, Mommy, no, not the closet again!” because that’s going to get me in trouble eventually.)

Do you think people who say “we don’t watch television” at playdates but really mean “we just watch DVDs” are lying liars from Liarville?
I don’t know – I guess it’s possible that they are TOTALLY from Liarville. But if it’s anything like Margaritaville and they’re willing to share the yummy drinks, I’m okay with that. Seriously, though, it doesn’t really matter whether the program is on a TV channel, streaming live on the Internet, or running off a DVD, it’s all media viewing, right? So, yeah, it seems dumb to say “we don’t watch TV” if you mean “we only watch DVDs.” But overall, I don’t care what other people do or don’t do. Not my kid, not my business.

How many miles have you driven with your child and not one device of electronic entertainment in a single car trip?
Well, when he was an infant we made 12 hour car trips, but he was technically asleep during most of them. Why? Because we were FRIGHTENED FOR OUR VERY LIVES. So we traveled overnight. We didn’t have a DVD player then, or smart phones, so we decided our best shot was driving all night to avoid the demon wailing. Later we got the portable DVD player and that became the primary method of calming the insane toddler during long rides. Because, GOOD LORD. Sometimes you just want to jump out the window of a moving vehicle if you have to hear “WANT OUT, GO PLAYGROUND, SEE SEE SEE!!!” one.more.time.

What’s your record for calls to the pediatrician or Ask-a-Nurse in a single day?
Um. One. Is this abnormal? I do admit that I’ve hit up Drs. Google and Twitter quite a bit. I recently learned all you’d ever want to know about Croup from Ye Olde Internet. Didn’t call the Ped once.

What’s the sexiest thing your husband/partner could text you after a hard day?
“I know I am still on the road and won’t be home for another week, and you’re tired, so I hired a nanny and Keifer Sutherland is going to be over in about 2 hours. Have fun!”
What? Ok, fine:
“I miss you and I’m bringing home dinner so that you don’t have to make it or clean up afterwards.” RAWR, BABY.

What’s your favorite iPad joke?
This entire post: The iPad Made Me Poop Bricks is my favorite iPad Joke. Also? The iPad itself is my favorite iPad joke.

What’s the dumbest parenting tool, gear, gadget or device you ever bought?
?? I honestly can’t think of a single one that we purchased that we thought was dumb. I even asked John, because I thought, “Surely there was something we bought that we later threw across the room, screaming, ‘WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT!’ because it was worthless.” But no, he couldn’t think of anything. Uh, we’re wise consumers who conduct effective research before making purchases?

How many years will it take for your child to become more tech-savvy than you?
Hahaha, he may already be. He’s figured out how to do things on my iPhone in less than 10 seconds that I STILL don’t know how to do. He really needs to get a job soon and start pulling his own weight around here. Stinkin’ free-loader.

Your turn, beeshes!

Weekly Winners, Jan 24-30

January 24th – 30th
Thee shots taken with my: Canon Powershot G9

Recognizing A Familiar Friend

Sliced And Stacked

Someone finally got a “big” snowman.

Response to inquiry: “Mommy, take a picture of Bwaden?”

Elvis would be proud.

Icing

Weekly Winners Information
All My Past WW Posts

i am all things to all people. on Google. especially the perverts.

I’ve had some good fun with this here website, my friends, you better believe it. Oh yes, I’ve celebrated my son’s life, I’ve talked about both fabulous and hard moments of parenting, I’ve embarrassed my husband. (Yes, embarrassing your husband is good, fun times. And hell, he makes it SO EASY. What with saying things like this. But I digress.)

And of course, I’ve talked to and met so many of you, learned about you, and built wonderful friendships.

But today I’m going to let you in on another part of having this website that enriches my life.

Keyword searches.

I am endlessly entertained by checking my web stats to see what web searches lead to this site. Now, some of them, I will admit, make me want to vomit. I’m going to spare you specifics on these, but if I could find the people who were entering them into a computure somewhere, sterilization would be in order.

With a rusty fork.

When I can get beyond the TRULY DISGUSTING AND DEPRAVED searches, there are the mild perverts. I imagine these are the kind of winners who “bump” against you “by accident” on the subway.

They land on my page by searching:

nipple pleasure
moms with nice racks
naked wrestling
mom crotchless
nut in my mouth
mom peeing
slap me around
bunchy vagina (W. T. F.)

To whomever searched “i put my mascara in my vagina” – STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. There are things that just shouldn’t be inserted in certain areas. I THINK YOU’VE DISCOVERED ONE OF THOSE COMBINATIONS.

And whoever searched “big fat and ugly” I hate you.

But then there are the searches that just make me laugh. A few recent examples:

i want to shave my face off
jello farts
bitch perfume
im going to eat your uterus
can you put chocolate on the head of a penis

This is really just a small sampling, and only from the past four days or so. I’m sure you can now see why this is so amusing to me.

Incidentally, my top three search terms for the past year?

sarcastic mom
best push up bra
bewbs

Numbers 1 and 3 are completely understandable, right? Right.

And number 2? Oh, you have no idea how glorious it is for me to claim that lovely search term. You may or may not remember this post about that earlier this year. Go ahead, read it. It’s funny, and it will give you insight into this push up bra business.

Guess what, PR Asshat? You can #suckit. I might still be on the second page of hits for “best push up bra” but I think you and I both know that I still win this round. So eat me.

Of course, that post bought me top 3 ranking for both searches: “asshats who should die” and “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.” *cough*

*awkward silence*

(please feel free to stop and confirm that I actually *am* the number one search return on Google for “Ultimate Assholes of The Universe,” it’s okay, I understand the urge to do this. go ahead. laugh. Now laugh even harder when you see I’m hits number 1 AND 2. get it out of your system)

(PS: no really, DOESN’T THAT RULE!?)

Continuing! To the person who recently searched “getting him off with your bare feet,” here’s my advice: since making him a sandwich and getting him a beer with your feet is going to be pretty hard, just go ahead and cheat and use your hands on those ones. But using your big toe to turn on the TV on Superbowl Sunday should be pretty easy. Unless you’re a fucking moron. Or, you know, you don’t have feet. In which case the search would be pointless and you’re wasting my time and yours.

Only other thing I can think of is you wanting to get him off the couch, in which case, two feet planted squarely on his back in a sudden power thrust should do the job nicely. I mean really, sometimes you just want to watch Keifer Sutherland, er, I mean 24, alone.

What? Wait, we’re not talking about putting our feet on naked wiener are we? Oh, good grief. Really? This searcher must be the alter ego of the weirdo who Googled “gross wieners on your body” the other day. Right.

Of course, the best thing for me was noticing just yesterday that a search for “wife is a bitch” landed someone on my site. Now, if that was John, we can congratulate Google for 100% Success in returning accurate hits to sites from searches.

All in all, the whacked out nutjobs out there with access to a computer are giving me a bit of free entertainment. And I like it. Thanks, ya fuckin’ head-cases. I owe ya one. Maybe I’ll even write a post one day for the person who wanted to know, “can I use the diva cup for military training” because that is IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Clearly.

Don’t let the man get you down.

At January 27, 2010
By Lotus Carroll
In Humor, My Son, Parenting, Silly Things, Video
19

And if you must submit, make sure you let them (the powers that be) know you’re going to do it your way.
Especially if your way is like a cocky little bastard.

Gah, I love that little troublemaker.

I clearly have superior parenting skills.

allies

Braden is fully toilet trained.

I say this and feel odd, as if I’m talking about having gotten the puppy completely house trained. But yeah, it’s a lot like that, considering he used to piss on the floor pretty regularly.

And before you (I’m talking to “you,” the person who has spare time in his/her life to make asshat comments on posts because you hate yourself and you’re taking it out on others) go making some bitchass comment about how that wouldn’t have happened if I’d not let him run around naked all the time, please to be looking at this: click here for a special, pre-valentine’s day gift of love from me to you.

In all seriousness, though, leave any comment your heart desires. I like it rough.

Also, I fully expect gratuitous thank you’s from ALL of you because for a split second, I considered posting Avitaballs as the link up there.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Now we can move on.

So, Braden has been reliably doing all business on the toilet for quite some time now, but you’ll have to forgive me for not talking about that as the progress/training was ongoing. If you have children you know the rule: IF YOU CELEBRATE IT TOO SOON, THE UNIVERSE WILL PUNISH YOU WITH A SWIFT REGRESSION.

It is only now, after such a long time, that I feel safe telling you…

MY KID GOES ON THE TOILET! MY KID GOES ON THE TOILET! I DON’T HAVE TO WASH DIAPERS ANYMORE! I DON’T HAVE TO WASH SHITTY AND PISSY UNDERPANTS ANYMORE! THERE AREN’T PUDDLES OF URINE ON THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM ANYMORE! I DON’T HAVE TO PULL DOWN TINY UNERPANTS FULL OF BROWNIE BATTER ANYMORE!

When he can actually wipe his own ass, I think I’ll bake him a fuckin’ cake.

Now, having said all this, we *do* have occasional pee accidents because he has taken to doing the very same thing his Mommy does. He gets all wrapped up in something and he can’t.stop.and.go.pee.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my son is a Pee Holder.

He pretty much refuses to stop what he’s doing until he reaches CODE RED. At that point, he’s running to the bathroom like his testicles are on fire and sometimes he ends up wetting his pants while he’s right in front of the toilet trying to pull them down.

Which, yes, is maddening, and I’m all, “DUDE. You finally learned how to do this really well, don’t go screwing it up by waiting too long. Don’t wait, come right to the toilet!”

To which he replies, “What? All I know is that I’m totally going to forget everything you just said except that part where you said ‘don’t go screwing it up’ and I’m gonna yell that at top volume in public, repeatedly, the first time it seems like it might be really embarrassing for you. I might add in that word you said in the car the other day, too. ‘Asshole,’ right? Right. Now go wash my underpants, beesh.”

So, okay, yeah. I admit there are still a few accidents here and there. And the occasional shart. Which is really just funny, quite frankly, because he says, “Oooh, Braden pooped in pants,” and then quickly follows that with “It’s okay, it’s JustUhShart!”

It’s all par for the course. Most of the time, things are now clean and dry around here, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

I have to admit that the Sentimental Mommy side of me does miss seeing that chubby hiney he used to flash as he ran around the house threatening carpets from wall to wall. Just a little.

But sometimes, we have special moments like the one that happened the other day:

Braden: *fidgeting in living room*

Me: “Do you have to pee?”

Braden: “Yes.”

Me: “Go to the bathroom.”

Braden: *doing the hammer dance in the living room*

Me: “What are you doing!? Go to the bathroom and PEE!”

Braden: “No, I DANCING FIRST.”

Me: *trying not to laugh. failing miserably*

Hey, at least he has his priorities. Sometimes, before you go to the bathroom, you just have to say, “STOP. HAMMERTIME.”

I stand by my celebration. Because that? Is clearly a sign of superior parenting.