This pregnancy is officially five weeks along. My nerves have gotten to that hyper-aware place. My last pregnancy ended right at five weeks. So, of course, I don’t pee without looking at my underwear, the paper, inside the toilet. I do it without even thinking.
I do it while thinking way too much.
Yes, I belong at an Over-Thinkers Anonymous meeting.
“Hi, my name is Lotus…”
“HI, LOTUS!”
“…and I have a problem with over-thinking everything in my life and everyone else’s. Even simple daily tasks turn into complex difficult episodes, because I make every life event a convoluted train of possiblities.”
Oh, yeah, and, “Both the optimistic and the pessimistic sides of my nature are overthinkers.”
So, I can go off on tangents thinking of all the good things (day dreaming about how cute the baby will be, what we will name it, how many diapers I can get Braden to change for me… shut up, it’s MY daydream…) and they are positive and delightful.
But I can also get emotionally sucked into the pain of being stuck in a never-ending cycle of having to pee, feeling nervous, staring at the crotch of my underwear, seeing nothing, and then feeling relieved again. Only to go get more water (drink up, preggo!) and start the cycle again.
And the, “what was THAT?” thought over every little weird gas bubble or muscle twitch in my abdomen is getting old, too. It IS pretty fun for me to feel really excited every time I fart, though, while thinking, “Yay! That was totally just GAS. Whew!”
[And yes, I'm going to talk about flatulence for a whole 9 Months. Just wait and see what I talk about after I HAVE the baby.]
Another bonus about being an OT’er is that I have a compulsion that forces me to know “exactly how nervous I should be right now.” So I stare at calendars and count out exact days and periods of time and compare them.
“Ah-ha! From Sunday to Tuesday I should be the most freaked out, waiting for something bad to happen!”
Why do this?
Why not? It’s just who I am. Some people are naturally a little more high anxiety than others. *raises hand*
But don’t worry about me. Being this way isn’t adding huge amounts of stress to my life – it’s quite manageable. I mean, it doesn’t mean I’m spending all day rocking in a corner, holding my abdomen and writing odd messages on the wall in my own blood, while my eyes dart back and forth and a frothy spit crust forms on the edges of my mouth.
No, no, no! That would be just awful!
Who has time for all day? I only do that from 10:00-10:45 and 3:35-4:15 each day. Because on the real, ya’ll, I’m a BUSY and ORGANIZED psycho.
#1 by Eve on October 13, 2008 - 12:25 AM
I haven’t been visiting my bloggy friends much lately, so didn’t know you were expecting again. I’m happy for you!!! Hope you have a very delightful pregnancy and a healthy, bouncing baby.
Eves last blog post..Gone Again
#2 by Eve on October 13, 2008 - 12:26 AM
Oh, yeah – I totally get the anxiety, too. Been there, done that.
Eves last blog post..Gone Again
#3 by Lisa Russell has 6 daughters on October 13, 2008 - 12:35 AM
OMG- I feel so wrong relating to the fact that your inner optimist and inner pessimist both think too much. I wonder if, like me, you are prone to long silent spells in public, because you’re thinking faster than you can speak. Or do you just blurt out stupid things because you can’t decide which stupid thought to vocalize?
Anyways, the entire internet is focusing stick y thoughts upon this new little sprout of yours, because none of us want to go through that again. That was so empty. lonely. sad. And I loved how you expressed it. I can’t wait to see how you express that last endless week of pregnancy, I blogged that I “might” be in labor like 75 times. But you’re way cooler than that.
Lisa Russell has 6 daughterss last blog post..Is there a seamstress in the house?
#4 by Suzanne on October 13, 2008 - 12:40 AM
Sweetie, I feel for you. It royally sucks that you can’t enjoy this wonderful journey without worrying about the bad things.
Suzannes last blog post..Tangibles and Intangibles
#5 by Mandy/Mommy Cracked on October 13, 2008 - 1:20 AM
That is the only part of pregnancy I absolutely hated…the constant worrying. I’d suffered a loss before we had our son and EVERYDAY was full of stressing myself out and worrying. It sucked.
#6 by Veronica on October 13, 2008 - 1:23 AM
Sticky thoughts.
Yeah, I don’t have much more in the way of creativity than that. Although, after my weekend, sometimes being an overthinker works in your favour. Honestly.
Veronicas last blog post..Home
#7 by Athena on October 13, 2008 - 1:28 AM
yep – I am an OT too. And OCD too. Uh huh. I think it’s genetic.
xx
~A
#8 by stephanie on October 13, 2008 - 2:13 AM
I’m glad I’m not the only one overthinking things on a regular basis! Speaking of which, when are you posting October’s PSBN?
stephanies last blog post..Notes on meal planning…
#9 by river on October 13, 2008 - 2:41 AM
Oh you’re just freaky. And you know I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Since you’re having trouble staying super calm right now, i’ll do it for you.
#10 by Tiff@Three Peas on October 13, 2008 - 6:08 AM
I am so the same. I did that after I got pregnant after my miscarriage. I was paranoid the whole pregnancy. It drove my husband nuts not to mention my doctors. LOL
Tiff@Three Peass last blog post..Cheap and Easy Halloween Costumes
#11 by Christine on October 13, 2008 - 7:04 AM
Honestly Lotus I think it’s completely normal you are being paranoid. I think a lot of people are like this after they get pregnant again after mis-carriage. We’re trying “again” right now to get pregnant (I lost a baby right after you did) and I’m SURE I’m going to be super anal retentive about it when it happens.
Hang in there! HUGS 2 U
Christines last blog post..Shopping Girl
#12 by Heather, Queen of Shake Shake on October 13, 2008 - 7:10 AM
I did the exact same thing with both of my pregnancies. Every time I had to pee, looked at the panties, looked at the TP. Shoot, even when I didn’t have to pee, but felt some discharge or something, I went to check.
Hi, I’m Heather, Queen of Shake Shake, and I’m an over-thinker too.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..This is how we do crazy around here. Alternate Title: How many times can I ask what the hell?
#13 by AnnD on October 13, 2008 - 7:10 AM
I totally and completely understand. I did that too with Emma and I hadn’t even had a miscarriage. I would even kind of form the toilet paper into a mini-tampon like thing and kind of shove it up there to see if any blood came out. You know…just to make sure no blood was hiding on my vag walls?! In my defense, I was surrounded by people who had miscarriages in the past and was super paranoid. I sit here and say that I won’t be as paranoid with my next one, but I know I will be. You love them so much even when they are little beans!
AnnDs last blog post..Weekly Winners!
#14 by melanie on October 13, 2008 - 9:07 AM
I know exactly how you feel. I will be six weeks on Wednesday and do the same thing. Except I don’t wait until I go pee, I just randomly go in and check five hundred times a day.
I think being cautious is pretty normal for women who have gone through what you have gone through. You will be fine this time. I just know it.
#15 by the planet of janet on October 13, 2008 - 9:11 AM
argh. i’m a charter member of over-thinkers anonymous.
i see your paranoia and raise you my neurosis.
hang in there.
the planet of janets last blog post..Weekly Winners: October 5-11
#16 by Deb on October 13, 2008 - 9:12 AM
Lotus,
I totally get it. I did that with both of my pregnancies, like for the whole 9 mos!!
Saying a prayer for you that all is well!!!
Debs last blog post..Disappointing?
#17 by Stacey on October 13, 2008 - 9:30 AM
I totally understand, especially the organized psycho bit. I didn’t freak out all the time, but I freaked out all the time when the opportunity arose. My scheduled freak outs were driving to & from work. I was on back roads so I didn’t have much to think about but that. I can’t tell you the number of times I had to restrain myself from pulling over just so I could look in my pants and see what that dampness was. always it was sweat from me stressing out.
Staceys last blog post..Parenting Fail
#18 by Karen MEG on October 13, 2008 - 9:31 AM
Lotus, this is only natural babe. I’m a life long member of OTA … in fact, I’m addicted to being anxious. The key, as you’ve indicated, is keeping busy.
My issue now is that it seems to have been handed down to the next generation. Lucky hubby, he’s now got three of us in the household to deal with. No wonder he can’t hear us half the time ;0.
Congrats on the pregnancy, BTW. I’m so happy for you.
Karen MEGs last blog post..Weekly Winners #40 – Thankful
#19 by Kim on October 13, 2008 - 9:59 AM
The worrying sucks. SUCKS.. but it sounds like you only have short little windows of it.. sending hugs your way.. and maybe a little sanity..
#20 by lceel on October 13, 2008 - 10:06 AM
I keep reaching for my ’smartass’ and I can’t find it. Hang in the, kid. We’re right in the corner with ya.
lceels last blog post..Columbus Day
#21 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on October 13, 2008 - 11:22 AM
stephanie,
Um, I guess tomorrow if I have time, since I clearly forgot all about it. It was supposed to go up today! I am so sorry!
Lotus:)
#22 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on October 13, 2008 - 11:26 AM
Christine,
Oh yes, I know it’s normal to be worried and apprehensive. What I hate is my need to ‘obsess’ over it. There is really no reason why I should count out the exact number of days of gestation from last time and then compare it to how far along I am this time. No reason at all. And yet I’m COMPELLED to do it, for some reason.
I’m not going totally crazy or anything, but I’ve definitely got my overthinker hat on, as usual.
Good luck to you as you try for a new sprout! <3
Lotus:)
#23 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on October 13, 2008 - 11:46 AM
AnnD,
OMG, Don’t give me ideas!!!
Lotus:)
#24 by Colleen - Mommy Always Wins on October 13, 2008 - 12:42 PM
In less time than you realize you’ll be feeling that baby move, which should provide you with some confirmation. Hang in there!
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Weekly Winners – October 5 – 11, 2008
#25 by Jeanette on October 13, 2008 - 3:15 PM
I hate to break this to you, but the feeling doesn’t disappear. LOL! I was paranoid, especially after having so many mc’s.
Hang in there, as Colleen said, when the baby starts moving and all the test results come back clear, the feeling eases up a bit.
Jeanettes last blog post..My dirty feet
#26 by Taz on October 13, 2008 - 4:25 PM
sending good thoughts your way hun..
i think paranoia is part of being pregnant..
Tazs last blog post..51 Weeks Old
#27 by Cassandra Rae on October 13, 2008 - 4:37 PM
Oh I love you, Lotus! Because we all have a bit of psycho in us – we just don’t talk about it as openly as you do :~)
I have this journal that on the front has a bunny in a straight jacket and the caption reads:
Cute but psycho – it all evens out
I laugh every time I see it!
#28 by chasingjoy on October 13, 2008 - 6:06 PM
Big hugs girl! It’s scary. I’m just glad you’re not frothing ALL day. How could Braden possibly fit in his temper tantrums if you were stealing the show?
chasingjoys last blog post..Hormones are Fun and Just a Little Bit Scary!
#29 by Jessica on October 13, 2008 - 7:14 PM
Lots of hugs to you! I’m 12 weeks and I will not feel okay till I hear that heartbeat. So, I know how you feel
#30 by Tracey on October 13, 2008 - 7:52 PM
Aw… poor Lotus. I feel for you. I spent every day of my pregnancy searching for that drop of blood that I could just NOT convince myself wasn’t going to show up… and when it wasn’t that it was an absence of kicks or an obsession with our ultrasound results…
While you can’t change who you are, I guess at least you can chuckle about it (between potty breaks).
Hang in there… pregnancy is only 40 weeks, eh?
Traceys last blog post..Haiku Friday – Stay at Home Day.
#31 by Anna Ellis on October 13, 2008 - 8:15 PM
I hope you NEVER have to go thru what you did all over again. I have high hopes and i’m prayin for ya’ll.
All my love!
Anna and William
#32 by Michelle on October 13, 2008 - 9:17 PM
Being schizo when pregnant is normal…being plain old psycho when pregnant after a loss is too. I would wonder about you if you didn’t worry a little. My best suggestion is pick a point where you will decide you feel sort of safe and stop worrying. Tell yourself if you can just get to X weeks then you will just relax. Because you deserve to enjoy this pregnancy!
Michelles last blog post..Reality
#33 by Tanya on October 14, 2008 - 12:30 AM
oooh this is EXACTLY how I have been feeling. I was getting horrible cramps up until 7 weeks, I’m now 8 and haven’t felt a thing since. Everytime I went to the loo I waited for something since the cramps were strong.
Its one thing to be pregnant but another to deliver a healthy baby. Being 8 weeks I still worry about the ‘M’ word, but the most dangerous time has passed.
Just stay positive, think positive thoughts!
I like to rub my belly and talk to my baby, telling it that it HAS to stick and stick hard. Such a bossy mother.
Please don’t stress
#34 by dysfunctional mom on October 14, 2008 - 12:37 AM
Another anxiety-prone overthinker. It’s fun to live in our world, isn’t it?
Still wishing you the best! xoxo
dysfunctional moms last blog post..This post is being typed in a whisper…
#35 by Tanya on October 14, 2008 - 12:38 AM
P.S
This helped me a lot:
http://www.babycenter.com.au/pregnancy/fetaldevelopment/05weeks/
click on it and save the link, then each week click on the next week. I started on week 5 and am now up to week 8. I know that you know how a baby develops, but its nice to get to that next week and click on the ‘6 weeks’ link. Kinda helps the sanity.
#36 by 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why on October 14, 2008 - 3:52 AM
CONGRATS!! (why yes, I am shouting. Are you not glad now that I am in the Internets? haha)
Seriously, you’re being totally normal. Just wait till Sprout gets here and you’re sitting there with Braden’s baby book comparing age at first step, first word, etc. Then you’ll really be bonkers. Oh, and the boys will be in the cookies. (Don’t know why, but I’m quite sure the Sprout is a boy). BTW, until you come up with some adorable genderless nickname (like the Poose, which he’s been called since about 6 wks in utero), I shall continue to call the newbie Sprout.
Now bring me a shrubbery!
(Think I need to get my meds checked…)
#37 by Karen on October 14, 2008 - 8:10 AM
When I was young and having babies, I thought all my husband had to do was hang his pants on the bedpost and I got pregnant. At least it seemed to be so. The last time, I did not want to be pregnant, because my second child was only 6 months old, so I cried for three months when I found out I was.
congrats to you. I hope you have an uneventful pregnancy and a very healthy baby.
Karens last blog post..Project 365 Day 8
#38 by Alexia on October 14, 2008 - 9:53 AM
I did that all.the.time when I was pregnant.
Alexias last blog post..Funday: Julian Beever
#39 by Mz. Nesbit on October 14, 2008 - 1:06 PM
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I have good feelings about this one. Shhhh…it’s going to be a girl! And you’re going to name her a flower name too! ;o)
Mz. Nesbits last blog post..Gymboree – Bubbles from HELL
#40 by Amie on October 14, 2008 - 3:10 PM
Hang tight, hon. I did the same thing, and I don’t think I really stopped until I made it out of the first trimester. Drove myself batty, drove the hubs batty. But, it’s a normal reaction.
If you’re anything like me, it’ll start all over again right after the baby is born, with the six+ months of, “Oh mah gawd, is he/she still breathing?” checks every 5 minutes.
Amies last blog post..91 DAYS TO GO…WAIT, WHAT?
#41 by Sue on October 17, 2008 - 1:48 PM
OMG! I stop making rounds and come back to find excellent news! Congrats!!!!
Sues last blog post..Birthday Blues
#42 by Dawn on October 17, 2008 - 5:15 PM
ahem?
Dawns last blog post..Here Goes Me n Mah Politics!
#43 by Trina on October 18, 2008 - 8:59 AM
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I totally understand the anxiety. It took us five years to get pregnant with our first (now 7). I spent much of the pregnancy worried that something bad would happen, looking for signs. Hang in there and think positively. I hope you have an uneventful pregnancy!
Trinas last blog post..Need a free organizing tool?
#44 by jill on October 22, 2008 - 1:58 PM
yeah i still check the undies and paper every time. although now its for birth and not fear of otherwiseness. guess who could OT you any day of the week? ha!
jills last blog post..Baby update…