Random Grease Lyrics, Long-Lost Twins and Ryan Seacrest’s Evil Plot to Destroy the World
- At January 1, 2009
- By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
- In Guest Post, Humor, Rant
23
A few days ago Lotus asked me to guest post for her and my first reaction was, “Okay, as long as you don’t mind that I’m kind of a bitch and I go off on weird tangents sometimes and say lots of really offensive shit when the mood strikes me,” but then I remembered who I was talking to and realized that Lotus and I totally go together like Rama Lama Lama and Ka-Dingy-Da-Ding-Dee-Dong, or Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Wada-Wa and Yippidee-Boom-Dee-Boom.
And the more I thought about that the more I realized that Lotus and I are clearly long-lost twins who were tragically separated at birth, meaning that I must have been adopted and my parents have been lying to me my whole life. So I called my mom and I was all, “How COULD you LIE to me like that and keep me apart from my twin sister that I haven’t known about for all this time?!?! That’s just so UNFAIR and CRUEL and WRONG! I HATE YOU!” And my mom was all, “You’re crazy, chica” and I was all “DON’T CALL ME CHICA YOU’RE NOT EVEN MEXICAN!” and she was all, “Calm down, psycho” and I was all, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
And then she showed me my birth certificate (again) and I was all, “Well, okay.”
And THEN it occurred to me that Lotus is like 10 years younger than me so that whole twins-separated-at-birth theory really didn’t hold water to begin with.
I was a little embarrassed but it was just my mom, so whatever.
I guess I’m relieved that I never got around to calling the Adoption Board.
And now here I am and I should be writing something really deep and profound because this isn’t my blog and I should show some respect for the Lotus, but I’m completely fixated on the ad I just saw for Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (with Ryan Seacrest) and I am beyond pissed off that Ryan Seacrest exists and is a celebrity and now he even has his name in parentheses on Dick Fucking Clark’s New Year’s Eve special. That show’s been a staple of the Times Square celebration since TV was invented or something and now it’s being defaced by this meticulously manscaped douche bag, and we’re all just letting it happen.
I can’t believe the American viewing audience has become so complacent that we’ve allowed this person who’s obviously Evil incarnate to worm his way onto our television sets at all, much less giving him the keys to the Times Square Ball Drop. Wasn’t 2008 bad enough? Do we really need Evil to stick it to us one last time before we finally say Sayonara to this shitty year?
It’s apparent (to me, and evidently, ONLY me) that Ryan Seacrest is the first Horseman of the Apocalypse, with Mario Lopez obviously being Horseman #2, and Poverty is already here so Famine must be just around the corner. And nobody’s doing anything about it, we’re all just sitting around drinking our cheap champagne (because no one can afford the good stuff anymore) and wearing our silly hats with our hands raised up in the air like we just don’t care, shouting “Wooooohoooo!” between hiccups and pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne and accidentally falling into the abnormally large potted plant at someone else’s house (not that I’ve ever done ANY of that) (but seriously, did that plant really have to be so BIG?) while Ryan and Mario exchange knowing glances and smug smiles because none of the normal people have realized yet that we’re all doomed to a life of shitty made-for-TV Lifetime movies and lame televised events with mediocre hosts in lame, not-funny-at-all-because-you’re-trying-too-hard slogan t-shirts.
This isn’t a very upbeat guest post, is it?
Well, I can’t help it. The end is near. Open your eyes, people.
Say I’m lame. Say I suck. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Love,
P.S. I really overused the word “obviously” here, didn’t I? Huh.
P.P.S. My apologies to Lotus for all of the above. Obviously.
P.P.P.S. Happy New Year.
P.P.P.P.S. Does anybody actually know the words to Auld Lang Syne?
P.P.P.P.P.S. The really sad thing is, this is like my eighth draft.
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When she’s not dutifully warning us all of the impending apocalypse, Bejewell is over at her website, The Bean. Hop over and find her going off on random tangents filled with fart jokes, rants, and a plethora of sarcastic bitchiness. What more could you ever hope for?
23 comments
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Lori Downs
ohhh I love you!!!!!
Lori Downss last blog post..Goodbye 2008
river
Nice post, think I’ll head on over to your site and check out the rest of your writings.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
I just read this AGAIN and I laughed my ass off, AGAIN.
Ryan Seacrest IS the first Horseman of the Apocalypse! I always knew he was evil.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
JustKatStuff
If we can define “evil” as “extremely stupid and annoying pretty boy who is totally unattractive and laaaaame” then I completely agree.
Suzanne
You mean there’s more than one Lotus? Woah, heavy, dude!
Ryan frickin Seacrest was darn annoying. Don’t you DARE patronize Mr New Year’s Eve. (and how good was it to see him in that chair this year.) I heart Dick Clark, too.
Suzannes last blog post..What’s For Dinner Wednesday
Lynette
Mm hmm..I HATE Ryan Seacrest. And to make things worse, here in LA he’s also got a radio show..
And, I know the words. Should old acquaintance be forgot &never brought to mind…
Lynettes last blog post..An Real Life Award
Maria
I know the words to ALS!!
When I was little people used to say I looked like Slater because I had curly hair and dimples. And brown skin, I guess.
That was a completely inappropriate acronym up there, wasn’t it…hmm….
I don’t like Ryan Seacrest. But I don’t hate him. He’s like…a benign tumor.
Marias last blog post..For Your Information:
Tracy D
I don’t hate Ryan Seacrest. I just ignore him. LOVED this post! I ‘ll have to check out your blog.
Tracy Ds last blog post..Xmas Aftermath
Lisa
UGH they are douches! Auld Lang Syne has word? Shit. By midnight all my words are slurring so does it really matter? Nah, didn’t think so.
Lisas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
LuckyMe
I don’t even watch him and he’s annoying the hell outta me. How did that putz end up owning Hollywood? Guess he’s the new Merv Griffin. Yeah, I’M OLD!! SO WHAT?!
Got a little Bejewellitude on there.
LuckyMes last blog post..Keurig Giveaway
Barbara
*makes mental note to look up Ryan Seafart or whoever the hell he is*
I like your style – I think you must be Lotus’s big sister, swapped at birth. I’d get onto the adoption people straight away!
Barbaras last blog post..1/365 – Here We Go Again
Rachael
Hilarious. You know how people tell kids that anyone can be come the president, and then they give an example? I think maybe Ryan Seacrest could be like… the example that anyone can grow up to be a “celebrity” and get their name next to Dick Clark’s.
Rachaels last blog post..Hopes, Wishes & Resolutions for the New Year
Twitter: rachael1013
Patsy Bain
Lotus picked well asking you to write, host, blog whatever for her. What really cracked me us though was the last PS —- eight drafts for that — really? eight drafts? I could have sworn it took more than that!
Patsy Bains last blog post..2008 in Review
Apryl's Antics
Has anyone noticed how tiny Ryan Seacrest’s head is?
Apryl's Antics
Also, I think Ryan Seacrest signed the same contract with the devil that Keannu Reaves signed. Brendan Frasier wouldn’t sign it and you know what happened to him.
Sarah
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne
For Auld Lang Syne, my dear
For Auld Lang Syne
We’ll drink a cup of kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne
Auld Lang Syne is similar to “Long long ago” translationally speaking. (Transationally…hey, I like that. IT’s my new word!)
And yes, I KNEW this. NO, I didn’t have to google it.
Does that make me very sad?
And Ryan Seacrest is the anticrhist and the reason I did NOT watch the ball drop last night…I just kept an eye on the clock.
Sarahs last blog post..2009 Goals – Goal #2 – Finances
Twitter: sadiecass
Michelle
I think I like you. But I think Mario is riding side saddle with Ryan and therefore they only count as 1 horseman. I refuse to give them enough importance to make up 1/2 of the Apocalypse.
Michelles last blog post..Christmas through a sugary haze
Amy Shipp
Oh my heck! Lotus your guest poster is so funny!! You should totally have her back again. Happy New Year!!
Elle
Ryan who?? I obviously don’t watch enough TV. Dick Clark, is he still alive or a wax statue?
Elles last blog post..boys have cooties and other true statements
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Only those of us who are holiest and don’t even know what TV show Ryan Seacrest is on will make it to heaven now that the end is near.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Why yes, Kohls, I would LOVE to explain TAM-PONS to my 8-year-old
PAPA
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I couldn’t agree more that Seacrest and Lopez Suck Major you know what.
Seriously, they’re where they are because they are puppets. Neither of them have wit, charm, authenticity.
Ugh. They make me sick.
PAPAs last blog post..That’s Agape
Not Enough Channels
[...] Etcetera – or a live-action version of Celebutard Deathmatch co-hosted by (who else?) Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez with matches like Britney Spears vs. Her Own Inner Demons and The Large-Breasted Lohan Sisters vs. [...]
Gwenrule62
Hate to break it to you, but I’m old enough to remember when Dick Clark was young and anybody over the age of 15 thought he was evil, for different reasons, but just goes to show you how people stick around long enough they start becoming icons when they started out being hated and mistrusted.