Short but heartfelt letters.
Dear Hashimoto’s,
Thanks for making every day harder. You’re a dick.
Dear PMS,
I do not like you. You do not actually make me more powerful, you just make me want to break people in half all day long. You do not help me deal with my emotions more effectively, you just make me cry at things that should not be cried at (the fight scene in Ice Age? Really? No. Really?) You do not make my son’s toddler habits easier to deal with, you make me want to run screaming from his presence. You are like a disorder all unto yourself. I am tired of you, officially.
Dear Braden,
Yes, it’s true. Your “farts are stinky like poopoo,” indeed. The amount of joy you bring into my life with simply silly things like that cannot be measured. Oh, but please don’t kick me in the eye again. That was the opposite of joy.
Dear Birthday,
I see you lurking there. I know, I know. I’m almost officially a whole year older. It’s really not even exciting anymore. It just validates the white hairs and the callouses. If you were really as awesome as you claim to be, you’d give me my old bewbies back. Now THAT’S a happy birthday.
Dear John,
I know you miss being at home. To make sure you feel welcome upon your return weeks from now, I am saving you all sorts of chores to complete! Nothing says loving like that, right?
Dear Debt Collectors,
Thank you for the recent letter demanding the thousands due in medical bills, immediately. The way the entire sheet of paper was pink truly made me feel the threat inherent in your message.
Dear Property Management,
I’m guessing the magic number for phone calls before you come and fix the light in the kitchen is something higher than 3. Even if you have promised “someone will be out tomorrow,” they won’t. You don’t really mean it. It was a joke – you were just kidding! I get it now. I hope you get explosive, burning diarrhea on your birthday.
Dear Jillian Michaels:
When I do the “butt kicks,” instead of holding my hands in fists in front of me, I hold out both my middle fingers. It totally helps me make it through. I’m not flipping you off, though. You are the toughest bitch I’ve ever not known but loved. In a completely platonic, non-I think of you naked when I’m in the shower kind of way. (Really.)
Dear Mexican (our dog),
Please just stop being gross. Seriously.
PS: I know. Watch your back.
Dear Body,
I know that you are tired. I know that you hurt. I know that it’s not your fault. I know that you feel bad because I always hate you. I am sorry. I’m still pushing and I’m trying really hard to get you healthy again. Please hang in there and work with me on this, damnit.
Dear Hair,
Did you hear what I said to Body? You are leaving me, and it’s making me frantic. I know you are just really tired of the antibodies in my bloodstream and the Hashimoto’s that is the result. I feel embarrassed that you are so important to me, in a way, but it’s true. You are important to me and I have cried several times already now, noticing how you are taking leave of me steadily. I do not like to see my scalp. Please reconsider. Please stay.
Dear Health Care Industry,
Please just fix it. Please stop telling me there is nothing you can do to help me. I am broken and you are supposed to be able to fix me.
You are supposed to.
So when I come in this next time, please do not turn me away again, telling me to keep waiting. I am done waiting. Ok?
Dear Reality Television,
You are still really, really stupid. Stop tricking people who I know are otherwise really smart.
Dear Halloween,
I hate the temptation of your endless bags of delicious candy. I love your ghouls and goblins, witches, werewolves, vampires, and ghosts. I delight in feeling your spirit as I watch horrible movies about undead monsters. As you approach, I tilt my head back in the dark and utter a high pitched cackle. When you are gone, please make any leftover candy disappear. My ass does not want to be dressed up as an elephant for the rest of the year.
Dear People Who Drive,
YOUR BRAIN. USE IT.
Dear You Guys,
Thanks for still coming here.
36 comments
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The Awesome
Kayla
Dear Lotus,
Thank you for rocking so damn hard. We love you. Seriously.
.-= Kayla´s last blog ..DIY Exfoliator – Contest Entry for MakeupByNumbers =-.
Rachel
Thanks for helping me cry. I needed it.
Jessica
It’s like you live my life sometimes. And for that, I’m sorry. You’re my favorite blogger.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Halloween she is a comin’ =-.
Denise
Dear Lotus,
I love you. Not in that way that’ll make both our husbands get excited, but in that, “I really, really, really admire you and have become a HUGE fan of yours and I want you to hang in there and know there’s a whole lot of people like me who are your cheerleaders. Only we don’t wear miniskirts… we wear sweatpants and oversized t-shirts and instead of pom poms we have any variation of adult beverage in our hands” way.
Twitter: niseag03
Allisun
I do short letters too, I think mine have more profanity…
Veronica
Like Allisun, my short letters have more profanity too.
I’ve been thinking about you lately.
xx
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Alternative uses for Chupa-Chups =-.
steff
Being a fellow hair loss, pmt, toddler sufferere – i sympathise completely
.-= steff´s last blog ..Monday 19th was for Helpers =-.
Michelle
Hi Sunshine.
Nothing like a spate of letters to rid you of writer’s block! Sorry that life sucks like that though.
Love you.
Tara R.
Hashimotos is a real life suck, sorry you’re having to deal with that too. If we have to have such a stupid disorder, you’d think we could at least have a cooler name.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Send a man to do a boy’s job =-.
Twitter: Tara_R
Amo
I’d still make out with you.
But if you could put the dog in another room, I’d appreciate it. He sounds scary.
.-= Amo´s last blog ..It’s okay to ask for help sometimes. =-.
WackyMummy
I feel your pain. I really do. (I just wrote my coming-out-of-the-hormone-imbalance post today.)
You’re eloquent sarcasm makes you a must-read for me. Hope you’re hanging in there.
.-= WackyMummy´s last blog ..It’s Time… The Pivotal Stuff… Don’t Read If You’re Squeamish =-.
monica (peapodsquadmom)
oh lotus dear…i just love your short letters. love them. and i have hashimoto’s too…you’re absolutely right…it sucks. but i’d hate not having a reasonable excuse for being a crazy bitch. i use that excuse often. if i was “healed,” i’d have to accept responsibility. kwim? that would suck, too. just looking for the silver lining.
hang in there. just throw those pink pieces of paper away. works for me.
.-= monica (peapodsquadmom)´s last blog ..CD Review: Joshua Bell’s “At Home With Friends” =-.
Drew @ Cook Like Your Grandmother
Dear Lotus,
Worst case scenario, you lose all your hair, then get a tattoo of a nipple on the back and have a 365-days-a-year Boobie-Thon.
As kick-ass funny as that would be, I’d rather the Health Care Industry pull their collective head out and fix you.
.-= Drew @ Cook Like Your Grandmother´s last blog ..Two More Halloween Treats =-.
Joy
Dear Lotus,
Thank you for making me laugh and cry all at once. I’m broken too, and no one seems to know what’s wrong – and I’ve just been put on *another* waiting list. I am done waiting.
But if I have to wait, I’m glad I at least get to read these glimpses of your funny, random, painfully real life between the teetering, towering piles of not-okay that periodically threaten to overwhelm me. Count me in on the virtual group hug that’s heading your way…
lceel
I hate it when you, of all people, are stuck in the suck. It ain’t fair.
.-= lceel´s last blog ..Monday Meanders 10-26 =-.
Twitter: lceel
Shari
I think if more people made their hands stick up the middle finger instead of form fists, we’d all feel a little better.
.-= Shari´s last blog ..I’m Pretty Sure We Do Something Besides Eat, I Promise =-.
Kel
Love it, I laughed, I cried, I totally agreed.
.-= Kel´s last blog ..This one is gonna take a while…. =-.
Kat
Dear Lotus,
Jillian Michaels: right on the money.
xoxo
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Weekly Winners =-.
Virginia
Thank you. I loved it!! The hasimoto’s – waaay funny – make mine the grave’s disease – same family, same sorta symptoms, well, except the bug eyes. But they went back in! To add to your frantic, keep an eye on your kids. Too many times to the toilet or drinking too much, take the to the doc and insist on diabetes test. Hate to break it to you but hasi and diab are the same family of disease.
Keep making us laugh and live vicariously through you!
Everyday Woman
Here’s my short letter:
Dear Gluten,
You make me bloated like a puffer fish, tired as marathoner, and as angry as a demon. But I still love you and what you can do with a pizza crust. Love/hate, win/lose, in/out. Can’t we just get along?
Lotus, try to enjoy every birthday. It’s one more year for celebrate all you have been given. Good luck for good health.
.-= Everyday Woman´s last blog ..Mile High Club =-.
bejewell
You? You do not suck. You crack my shit up.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..It’s Really Only a Matter of Time until Someone Stabs Me, and That is Why This List is Necessary =-.
Elizabeth from Table for Five
Dear Lotus,
I was going to say thanks for rocking so damn hard, and then I saw that Kayla beat me too it. Well, thank you. Your new blog design kicks ass, too.
Always your fan,
Elizabeth
melissa
I love your blog I think you are the most talented writer and a great inspiration!!! You are so funny and that is not easy to do on a computer- I know
LaskiGal
“If you were really as awesome as you claim to be, you’d give me my old bewbies back.” Old bewbies, how I barely knew thee. And Jillian, my butt hates her, my jeans totally dig her.
Oh, my belly. I’m laughing hard enough to skip my ab workout.
Sweets aka Chels
Hey Lotus
Ya crack me up. Ya have talent to put a sweet sarcastic flip on life. Girl Feel ya pain with PMS. Kickboxing it helps! Keep ya chin up on the getting health, hair loss, toddler habits ( wait until he thinks to cool for momma kisses that a killer). Ya a very strong women and I know it lookd suckie now but I know ya pull through. Happy Birthday to one of the most Beautiful people I know.
Kelley
MWAH.
Now get your sweet arse to Australia. We have free healthcare. (well, compared to yours they practically pay US to treat)
PandoraWilde
Dear Lotus,
~Hugs~
Pan
.-= PandoraWilde´s last blog ..Trips and Consequences =-.
Marian
Wonderful letters. I was at another blog, one I was never to before, and the posts were photos, and I thought, Wow, Sarcastic Mom really takes fantastic photos. She was a beginner, and she will get better, but
Your photography is STUNNING.
Miss Grace
Dear Lotus,
I hope you had a good birfday.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..The Worst Happy Birthday Post EVER =-.
Kat
Dear Lotus- I love you. You rock hardcore!
Miss Britt
Dear Lotus,
You’re totally welcome.
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling 101: The Dialogue =-.
Zoeyjane
I feel like an asshole for forgetting your birthday. So, feel free to write a dear asshole kind of letter.
.-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On misquotations =-.
lynette
Dear Lotus,
Who knew there were so many people with Hashimoto’s? Also…the PMS? Nothing more entertaining that being unable to stop crying at Where the Wild Things Are.
.-= lynette´s last blog ..All these things that I have learned =-.
Amanda
We learned about Hashimoto’s and other thyroid conditions in class last month. I got teary for a moment because I thought about what the textbook didn’t say, knowing that it makes my friend suffer so.
It’s tragic (forgive my soapbox here) that people have made so many advances and supposed breakthroughs, and all we’ve come up with to treat our aches are more pain pills with side effects as bad as the original symptoms.
And for the rest of it, I agree totally. It’s way cool that I met another woman who enjoys farts like I do. Perhaps other letters to be written would be thank you’s to those who allow farts to exist in abundance ie, the carbonated beverage industry, the elements nitrogen, carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and sulfur, intestinal flora, flabby buttcheeks, beans, cow’s milk, eggs, cruciferous vegetables, and notably, Mr. Methane, who is a genius.
But I digress.
Karen Bannan
Read this book. It is absolutely wonderful. http://www.amazon.com/Living-Well-Hypothyroidism-Doctor-Doesnt/dp/0380808986
Also, make sure they are giving you the right dose. A few years ago they changed the levels for women. They are now much lower than they were, but not every doctor knows that.
Hope you don’t mind unsolicited advice.
.-= Karen Bannan´s last blog ..Échappé, Glissade, Pas de Bourrée — No Way! =-.
kompostela
I love you:)
.-= kompostela´s last blog ..Preschool Toddler =-.