Thanks to everyone for not virtually slapping me for being such a whine-bag yesterday. And really, apologies if I offended anyone.
In other news, there is no post of any relevance today, as I’ve been crapping my guts out for the past 24 hours with some kind of Super Evil Intestinal Bug.
Maybe I should try to be all happy and positive and call it An All Natural, Surprise Body Cleanse!
Yeah, after this much explosive diarrhea, I’m having a hard time being happy & positive, so I’ll leave the positivity to you lovely and enlightened readers for today.
Because, really? It would not be too far from real to imagine brown waterfalls coming out of my ass.
My friends as of late:
Here’s hoping your week is going far more fabulously.
#1 by Betsey on February 11, 2009 - 1:46 PM
It’s been very similar in my house.
Hope you feel better or at least can get off the pot soon.
Betseys last blog post..Today is not yesterday
#2 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:24 PM
@Betsey,
I think I spent more time sitting on the terlet last night than lying in my bed.
Which should be a crime!
Hope your clan is feeling better, too.
#3 by badness jons on February 11, 2009 - 1:47 PM
Feel better!
badness jonss last blog post..Cupid made me do it….
#4 by Lynn (Walking With Scissors) on February 11, 2009 - 1:48 PM
Ugh. Nobody likes peeing out their ass. Poor thing.
Lynn (Walking With Scissors)s last blog post..How I Waste Time When I Should be Working
#5 by lceel on February 11, 2009 - 2:11 PM
You’re making it very difficult to maintain my vision of ‘the RACK’ – what with the confusion of ‘brown waterfalls’ rushing through my head. I’m going to have to start all over.
lceels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Almost
#6 by Ness on February 11, 2009 - 2:23 PM
You realize that along with diahorrea comes….WEIGHTLOSS! Yes there IS an upside!
But, alas, there is no upside to the sore butt that comes with it.
Nesss last blog post..Who Doesn’t Like Free Business Cards?
#7 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:25 PM
@Ness,
Ugh. I didn’t even mention that my rectum feels like ground meat and I was actually crying last night every time I even thought of having to wipe.
Then I dug out the plastic squirt bottle they gave me after I had Braden and I started the Hand Bidet action after every trip.
Poor, poor butthole.
#8 by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on February 11, 2009 - 2:26 PM
My sister refers to it as ‘peeing out of my ass.’
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Worse Than Being Puked On
#9 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:25 PM
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing],
Dude. My pee has NEVER had such volume. Or force.
Or stink.
Or explosiveness.
She needs to have that checked.
(hehe)
#10 by Ashlie- Mommycosm on February 11, 2009 - 2:28 PM
Oh, yeah. It’s going around my house, too. We call it monkey butt, you know, because you have monkeys flying out of your butt. Makes the kids less freaked out when it happens. Makes me giggle…and is easier to spell than diarrhea.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Paradise
#11 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:26 PM
@Ashlie- Mommycosm,
LMAO
(what’s left of it)
#12 by nagdalie on February 11, 2009 - 3:51 PM
thank you thank you thank you for making sure your toilet was clean before taking that picture! i mean i can talk gross with the best of them, but nasty dirty toilets really do gross me out! (and believe me after living in turkey and having to use some of the squatties there i’m allowed to be grossed out!)
nagdalies last blog post..Hope is the thing with feathers…Emily Dickinson
#13 by Tanya on February 11, 2009 - 4:55 PM
oh dear! lol
#14 by SingleParentDad on February 11, 2009 - 5:22 PM
A toilet so clean you could eat your dinner off it, hold on………
SingleParentDads last blog post..A Little Less Like Me Please
#15 by Junebug on February 11, 2009 - 5:28 PM
Last year when I had the flu, I lost more than five pounds. That was the only benefit. The liquid squirts are the bomb! Can’t get there fast enough either.
Junebugs last blog post..Fun Monday-Landmarks
#16 by Sammanthia on February 11, 2009 - 5:31 PM
I can laugh because for once IT’S NOT ME! My butt cheeks are clenching together just reading this. Hope you feel better soon!
#17 by Special K on February 11, 2009 - 5:39 PM
I like to think of it as butt puking! I had the full on stomach flu last week and I died. The end.
#18 by Special K on February 11, 2009 - 5:41 PM
And that chicken broth looks like that might be the culprit of what is spewing forth from thy buttocks. It looks like what came outta me anyway.
And I am deciding to be grossed out or not that you have taken a pic of food on your toilet.
I still love ya though.
Special Ks last blog post..Stimulating the economy
#19 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:27 PM
@Special K,
Heh. If you’ve stuck around this long, I think you’ve decided to love me through all sorts of gross displays by now.
#20 by Angela on February 11, 2009 - 6:00 PM
And THIS is a fine example of why I shouldn’t read blogs while eating dinner. Yuuuum!
Feel better, Lotus!
#21 by Caren on February 11, 2009 - 6:29 PM
Also….you are missing an ingredient. Don’t HESITATE to whip out the asshole cream.
#22 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:28 PM
@Caren,
You know, when I took the photo, I TOTALLY forgot to run upstairs to the master bedroom bathroom and get the huge tub of Vaseline and the tube of Desitin that became incredibly acquainted with my rear last night.
Good times.
The Ole’ Ground Meat in my rectum is at least lubed well. *cringe*
#23 by Allie on February 11, 2009 - 6:33 PM
Immodium. Drink flat Coke or Pepsi. Did you know if you eat corn while you have the runs that everything is liquified except for the corn? Corn laughs at soft bowel movements and says, “you can’t break ME, bitches”.
And not once did I think the broken sunglasses post was actually about broken sunglasses, for what it’s worth.
#24 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:32 PM
@Allie,
Woman, can you believe that Immodium didn’t.even.touch this case of Butthole Waterfalls? Seriously. That is when you know the apocalypse is nigh and it STARTED IN YOUR ASS. Because Immodium is some serious shit (pun intended).
On a related note, last night I became acutely aware of how many fecal/ass phrases I use in my language: shitty, crappy, ass-ton, etc. Heh.
#25 by Tink *~*~* on February 11, 2009 - 6:35 PM
sorry you are feeling so um crappy!
I usually do plain oatmeal or plain rice the first day, and if I feel that is going well, I introduce a banana the second day. I hope you feel better soon.
Tink *~*~*
NEW at My Mobile Adventures *~*~* : Which Way Do You Look?
Tink *~*~*s last blog post..Which Way Do You Look?
#26 by Karleigh on February 11, 2009 - 6:44 PM
As I have found out recently on a forced liquid diet post-op, Chicken broth can also CAUSE diarrhea. Just keep that in mind.
#27 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:33 PM
@Karleigh,
Indeed! It’s the fat content. I’m only having a little, today – after most of the worst diarrhea has passed. It helps to be able to drink a lil bit of something that has a bit of protein content. But mostly crackers and Gatorade. Slowly working up to more.
#28 by Tabitha on February 11, 2009 - 6:49 PM
Eek! Having the runs and other bowel/butt/intestine-related issues is no fun at all! I feel for ya. Hope you feel better soon!!
#29 by Kat on February 11, 2009 - 7:07 PM
LOL on the “All natural, SURPRISE body cleansing.”
That’s some funny shit.
Pun intended.
Kats last blog post..I’m Leaving!
#30 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:47 PM
@Kat,
Haha, as I just said above, last night I was noticing all the fecal/ass phrases I use all the time. I guess it’s good when your writhing in your bed and you can still laugh with your husband about saying “asston” about your diarrhea.
#31 by Heather on February 11, 2009 - 7:07 PM
I’d reccomend you buy some sour natural yoghurt and add it to your ’sick foods’ because it contains a live bacteria that replaces the good bacteria lost during ‘intestinal problems’. Hope you feel better soon!
Heathers last blog post..
#32 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 7:34 PM
@Heather,
Great idea! Thanks.
#33 by Jacki on February 11, 2009 - 8:00 PM
You have my sympathies! We just had this in our house a few weeks ago, and it is not fun!
Jackis last blog post..If I have to watch Barbie Diamond Castle one more time….
#34 by Nikki on February 11, 2009 - 8:03 PM
Sorry to hear you are feeling “shitty”. My little one has the same problem right now and I just got to clean my carpets because of it. So hopefully all will end soon for you too.
Nikkis last blog post..More Ice Pics
#35 by Karen Sugarpanties on February 11, 2009 - 11:12 PM
Okay um…. I totally read that one box as “Flushable MINT Wipes.”
Then I thought for a second about your possibly minty cornholio.
I’m tired. And moving. Go ahead and laugh.
Karen Sugarpantiess last blog post..Passive-Aggressive Notes
#36 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 11, 2009 - 11:49 PM
@Karen Sugarpanties,
Laughed my ass off at this.
Then forced my husband to read my post just so I could then direct him to read your comment. Heh.
The truth is, my bunghole (hey, you said cornholio) has a serious case of (what else?) Ass Breath. You know, like, chronic and shit (pun intended).
#37 by Teresa on February 11, 2009 - 11:24 PM
Wow, we’re having this problem right now too! Get checked for giardia and cryptosporidium. That’s what hubby found out he had today. All I can say is EWWWW. Hand washing is a major thing here!
Teresas last blog post..I’m A Glutton For Punishment
#38 by Kelley on February 12, 2009 - 1:25 AM
you know those crackers are now covered in faeces now, right?
Feel better soon my lovely. I only want to see you shooting glitter out that fine arse.
Oh, and I will have a little sumptin sumptin for you asap.
#39 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 7:59 PM
@Kelley,
I enjoy my crackers with faces. And feces. (heh) Technically, they were still sealed at that point.
I have been recycling the toilet water to wash dishes with lately, though, to save money. Is that bad?
Re: your last sentence: I hope that means I’m getting laid.
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#40 by river on February 12, 2009 - 3:22 AM
Scraped apple is good for helping with diarrhoea. Peel a raw apple, scrape at it with a spoon, eat the scraped off bits. Not sure why it works, but it does. Eat yoghurt to replace the good bacteria. Get checked like Teresa said.
#41 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:01 PM
@river,
Did you know that apple sauce is also good to eat with diarrhea. Always seemed weird to me, since the juice will cause it. It’s a fiber/bulk issue.
Yogurt’s definitely on the list.
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#42 by Ed (zoesdad) on February 12, 2009 - 8:11 AM
The song that keeps “running” through my head as I read this:
On the commode again.
I can’t wait to get on the commode again…
Ed (zoesdad)s last blog post..The Breakfast Club
#43 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:05 PM
@Ed (zoesdad),
NICE!
I keep thinking, “Don’t go crapping waterfalls, please just shit the stinkers and the craps that you used to….” (to the tune of this old TLC Song: http://www.mtv.com/lyrics/tlc/waterfalls/904928/lyrics.jhtml)
It’s starting to drive me mad.
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#44 by perpstu on February 12, 2009 - 10:20 AM
Oy! I agree, the best strategy is to put a positive spin on it! I hope your natural body cleanse results in less poundage for you! Feel better……
#45 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:06 PM
@perpstu,
Unfortunately, I usually rebound from days of not getting to eat by eating 7x as much as usual and actually GAIN weight.
No worry from anyone that I will ever starve myself to death.
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#46 by jennielynn on February 12, 2009 - 1:02 PM
Seriously, the comments and replies are as funny as the post. Poor, poor butthole.
Sorry your butt went all Chuck Norris on you.
jennielynns last blog post..A Continuing Rant Against THE F BOOK
#47 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:07 PM
@jennielynn,
I am totally agreeing with you. This shit talk is fun, right?
Does that mean something’s wrong with us? I hope so.
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#48 by Jean on February 12, 2009 - 1:15 PM
Have you tried pure ginger tea? I find that it works for a lot of stomach ailments. I hope that you are feeling better today!
Jeans last blog post..Michelle Obama’s Inauguration Outfit
#49 by Corey~ living and loving on February 12, 2009 - 1:39 PM
oh no! hope you feel better soon!
Corey~ living and lovings last blog post..Wordless Wednesday~ Mad For Mud
#50 by Sarah on February 12, 2009 - 6:49 PM
Ooh, what a bummer. Heh.
That really stinks. Heh. Heh.
Okay, I’ll stop now. I have Crohn’s so I really shouldn’t be joking about anybody’s diarrhea because, yeah, been there, done that. It really does suck, though, and I’m sorry. I hope you’re on the mend soon!!!
Sarahs last blog post..Why I no longer listen to my husband.
#51 by Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:08 PM
@Sarah,
Those are some crappy puns, Sarah.
PUN INTENDED.
ahahahaha.
PS: They were not really crappy. I just wanted to make a shitty pun.
PUN INTENDED. AGAIN.
#iamusemyself
Lotuss last blog post..Singin’ the loose stool blues… oohhhhh, yeahhhh….
#52 by Peggy on February 12, 2009 - 8:28 PM
Wow…I mean this is the first time I’m commenting here because I cannot believe the amount of comments regarding your shit! It must be some sort of record and I just wanted to be a part of it!
Feel better.
Peggys last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts
#53 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on February 12, 2009 - 8:40 PM
@Peggy,
Well, I’d love to claim my turds are that popular, but the comment count is inflated due to all of my replies.
So, maybe it’s a record for how many comments a blogger has left on their own post? LOL
#54 by Tranny Head on February 12, 2009 - 10:44 PM
Dude – you should totally get a colonoscopy now so that you don’t have to do the prep for it later, right? Hawt.
Tranny Heads last blog post..Perspective and Other Things That Begin with the Letter "P"
#55 by Jenny from Mommin' It Up! on February 12, 2009 - 11:17 PM
I love it when people blog about poop. Especially YOU! I hope you’re feeling better darling.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..And I’m Spent
#56 by Karen R on February 12, 2009 - 11:39 PM
I love your photos, I checked out quite a few of them on flickr. I hope you are feeling better by now. You have a darling little boy. I could getlost in his eyes!
karenraye
Karen Rs last blog post..New Stamps
#57 by Barbara on February 13, 2009 - 9:00 AM
I thought they were mint wipes too – made total sense to me!
Hope you feel better soon.
Barbaras last blog post..43/365 – A Basket of Roses