Some letters I really needed to get off my chest, immediately.
- At September 8, 2008
- By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
- In Humor, letters
48
Dear Uterus,
Just so you know, it would totally be okay with me if you wanted to just… you know… leave. For awhile. Get out. GO AWAY. Consider it a vacation, whatever! WE really don’t need one another right now anyway, right? And the ripping, tearing, and cramping pain you’re causing me today is really not what I’d call “pleasant” or “enjoyable” or even “moderately bearable.” It’s more like “excruciating” and it “sucks ass.” It makes me want to “smash myself in the head with a sledge hammer to numb all feeling in my body.”
You’re also creating quite a mess around here. I, for one, don’t appreciate the stained crotches in my underwear that I can never seem to avoid when you start doing your special thing every month. Furthermore, I’m quite tired of feeling like a regularly tapped keg of Hawaiian Punch.
In case you’re trying to leave a “trail” because you were thinking I was lost in the woods and needed to find my way home, let me set you straight. I’m just fine, here at home, and there are no witches trying to eat me. (In fact, as long as you keep it up, Uterus, NO ONE is going to be trying to eat me. Thanks for that!)
So, really, please treat yourself to a Bahamas Cruise several times in a row, or a couple of months in Europe. Really, that would be great. Hell, go spelunking in some caves somewhere and get eaten by bats for all I care. I just think we need some time apart.
It’s not me. It’s you.
Your Encasement,
Lotus
**********************************************
Dear Mind/Brain, Back, Stomach, and Legs,
Look. Just because Uterus gets the notion once a month to start acting like a total jerkface doesn’t mean that you should, too. I would really appreciate a little support here. I mean, at a time when I’m literally feeling like The Evil Undead is clawing its way out of my gut, you could step up to the plate and try to help me hold things together instead of chiming in with The Chorus of Pain and Insanity.
But no, you’re just a bunch of shameless lemmings. If you weren’t attached to me, I would say something like, “I hope you just fall off/out/rot/die/snap.”
But, um, don’t do any of that. Please.
Holding Onto Last Shred Of Sanity
(for as long as mind allows me to, damn you, mind)
Lotus
**********************************************
Dear Eve,
It was a SNAKE.
AN EFFIN SNAKE!
Really? You had to listen to a SNAKE?
I HATE YOU.
One of Your Many Daughters, Bound To Your Sin,
Lotus
48 comments
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Zoeyjane
I just laughed so hard that my period started all over again. Now, what kind of a mother mentions the phrase ‘eat me’ in a letter to her uterus in regards to the red tide?
{my kind o’ mother]
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On new beginnings
Cheryl
Have you been spying on me? B/c seriously? You just described *MY* uterous to a “T”, or capital “U” as the case may be. Except your description was funny, and I’d just be a cooz if I wrote about what’s happened to my girlie parts since having a baby 2 year ago. My doctor swears there’s nothing wrong with feeling this shi*ty every month. I may commit a heinous crime upon him when next he sleeps…
Anyway, man oh man do I FEEL you & I feel this post!
Thank you & I hope you feel better/normal/less yucky really soon.
@Jasperblu
Cheryls last blog post..Randomness
Cyndi
“I’m quite tired of feeling like a regularly tapped keg of Hawaiian Punch.”
Holy *^%#^! I think that is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever heard you say (and there is quite a list, I might add).
I love you Lotus, I really do. Will you marry me???
nik
I SO feel your pain right now. And I just laughed so hard I may or may not have dislodged a tampon. Just so you know.
This is great… hope you don’t mind if I “borrow” it for a Quote of the Week feature on my blog! (You’ll get proper credit, I assure you.)
niks last blog post..Babylove
Lynette
I’m going to copy THIS letter and deliver it my uterus, et al. This was hysterical. I just told somebody I was looking forward to hot flashin’ & menopause if only the bloody menace would stop.
Lynettes last blog post..Too Much Info
Bri
(In fact, as long as you keep it up, Uterus, NO ONE is going to be trying to eat me. Thanks for that!)
You KILL ME!! LOL
Bris last blog post..Yeah. I Don’t Know Either.
missy wiggins
I’ve been reading your blogs so long that our cycles now sync. Weird.
missy wigginss last blog post..Weekly Winners 8/31-9/6
Twitter: molassa
nik
as promised, the blog-pimpage is here: http://proseandconverse.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/quote-of-the-week-2/
niks last blog post..Quote of the Week
Kateanon
The letter for my uterus is not fit to print – but thank you for the hysterical laughter yours caused.
Of course it started my coughing back up. My second letter will be to my lungs.
Kateanons last blog post..Shock and balls
Veronica
I love you. Alot.
Veronicas last blog post..Astounded
Bettina
I don’t often comment here, but this really tickled my funny bone.
Even when you feel your crappiest, you still bring joy to others my dear!
Bettinas last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
Deb
I am so glad I am not the only one with ugly stained underwear.
Debs last blog post..Buckle up
witchypoo
If you find common yarrow growing wild, gather all you can. A handful of the leaves and flowers in a knee-high will serve to create an infusion in your bath. You bathe in it for about 20 minutes, and it magically takes all cramping and bloating away.
Hot water, but not too hot.
You’re welcome.
witchypoos last blog post..Pimpathon
Melissa
OMG! I laughed so hard I peed in my pants.
Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with that after getting the Mirena. Is this considered a plug for them? Hopefully the stained undies are in the granny panties!
Melissas last blog post..Clothes shopping with a skinny chick
Sam (The Edge Of Insanity)
HA! I wrote hate mail to Eve myself a while back and told her she owed me $2316.32. Bitch.
Sam (The Edge Of Insanity)s last blog post..Weekly Winners… Forever Young
Malia
I so admire you for putting into graphic words what we all experience on a monthly basis!
Malias last blog post..What do Sarah Palin and Hamas have in common?
lceel
“In fact, as long as you keep it up, Uterus, NO ONE is going to be trying to eat me.” You see — that’s the OTHER advantage to being a guy – we have no periods (heh,heh) of inedibility.
lceels last blog post..100 Word Challenge – Fusion
Twitter: lceel
Amanda
Ah, I miss you.
My uterus blessed me with two periods last month, for no apparent reason.
Now it’s been a month since the first, and my uterus is kicking into high gear with the pain and mood swings. I think it’s this new driven idea our world has about productivity.
For some reason, our uteruses (uteri?) feel the need to reproduce the linings of their walls as quickly as possible, our comfort be damned. I threaten it with the word HYSTERECTOMY constantly, but it’s as useless as threatening DIVORCE to my husband. They always call my bluff, fuckers.
Basically, I feel your pain, Lote. I’m counting on IKE to blow my uterus, along with my fat ass and thighs, somewhere into Texarkana.
I miss you (again).
Allyson
I love the letters! Perfect! And I was laughing my ass off! Thanks for that.
Allysons last blog post..Our Home…and Loan.
Miss Britt
hahahahhahaha
Best PMS post EVER.
(stumbled even, LOL)
Miss Britts last blog post..It Seems The Problem In My Marriage Is Me
dysfunctional mom
I just got done with that evil part of the month. Before I know it, PMS will be back in full force. It’s neverending! And I am DONE with babies, can’t it just freaking stop?!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Advice from the DysFUNctional Family
Fe
You GO girl! I’ve just read your post our loud to my own uturus. It wants a month Europe to recover. Sheesh.
Fes last blog post..How to Survive Bookclub after just having booked a room in psychiatric hospital for close friend….
Mamalaina
Crap you make me laugh….really you do. I think we woman should be sent away when Aunt Flo visits like they did in the primitive days. We need to set up shop in some hotel once a month, ALONE, with chocolate and a book to wollow in our pain….really it was a good idea back then, why the hell did anyone stop that?…..lets band together and bring back the banishment.
Mamalainas last blog post..Kindergarten Eve
MP
all of a sudden I feel like I need a shower…and it’s not even that time of month
MPs last blog post..Slacker Central
TheAngelForever
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your letters are the best
Sorry about your pain. So glad that you shared and were able to provide us with a nice laugh. Feel better!
TheAngelForevers last blog post..Birthday balloon crown for Mimi
Gabriel
Um… oh… well, nothing. I just dunno what to say, but I didn’t want Lceel to be the lone guy commenting in here. Or am I missing somebody else?
I have to say, I’m sorry you’re in pain, but this was funny as hell…
Gabriels last blog post..Manic Monday #32
Sticky
A-Freakin’- men
I could weep and then off myself once every month.
Stickys last blog post..Bugs Bugs Bugs
Tanya
hahahahaha
I bet u dont talk to ur bewbs like that
Maria
Percocet.
Marias last blog post..The Barometer of My Ever Increasing Filth
chaos
All the things I wanted to say to my uterus. I may just get a divorce it would be less painful.
skeezix
Brilliant! Really, I’d like to send those letters to my uterus because it was being such a bitch last week.
skeezixs last blog post..A post in which I even bore myself
ms. changes pants while driving
HAHAHHAA!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!
ms. changes pants while drivings last blog post..things i love
Special K
Maybe our utuerus’ can go on vacation together! I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year! That’s IT! We can send our utuerus’ to fight the war! They will totally win, a little blood, gore and pain doesn’t scare them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or we could just send them deer hunting and kill two evils with one stone.
Special Ks last blog post..Fuck Bambi and his Mama!
Special K
Why I spelled uterus that way, I don’t know.
I blame it on my uterus.
Special Ks last blog post..Fuck Bambi and his Mama!
hotmamamia
Don’t hate me…I used to feel that way but now that I am at the other end of the spectrum I think I might actually enjoy having those cramps on occasion…there is NOTHING WORSE than CONSTANT HOT FLASHES and NIGHT SWEATS…my armpits smell like a refuse pit all of the time from sweating like a pig (do pigs sweat??), if I wanted to I could take about 5 showers a day and that still wouldn’t be enough….every time my hubby touches me anywhere he gets a handful of sweat…my hair is now permanently curly from being soaking wet from sweat all of the time (that wasn’t a bad thing actually-the curly hair)….on the positive ladies….bless that menstrual cycle cause those kick-ass hormones keep you YOUNG-YOUNG-YOUNG!
I gotta add though, your letters were hilarious!
hotmamamias last blog post..oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!
Mrs. Schmitty
BWWWWAAAHHHHHAA….not about you being in pain but the post…..funniest I’ve read in the blogosphere in a long time!
Feel better.
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..I’m Not A Very Good Friend
Michelle
I felt your pain whilst reading … but don’t hate me, I’ve never felt the pain. I can sympathise though.
You always manage to bring life/laughter to whatever you write.
tracey
Damn that Eve. I feel your pain, girl. Can I get a whooot?
No?
Dang, you ARE on the rag, eh?
traceys last blog post..Things I never expected when I first started blogging:
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I actually read this earlier today but had to come back and comment later…this hit too close to home this month and brought fresh waves of frustration and sadness. :O( Felt I needed to add my two pennies and say “I’m right there with ya!”
(I did write a PSBN post – I’ll link ‘er up whenever you get a chance to write yours!)
Twitter: mommy_wins
» ALL-ONE-OR-NONE!!! Just use the soap. Don’t drink the Koolaid.
[...] to publish a PSBN post, but instead, I got all wrapped up in my menstruational emotions and berated my uterus for all to see, [...]
Tara R.
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
oh I am SO with ya.
Tara R.s last blog post..Demolition day
river
Nothing to say. Post-menopausal here.
Trenches of Mommyhood
Can I just tell you that I love the word “spelunking”????
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..On Ring Tones
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why
ZOMFG! Lotus, your turn of phrase KILLS me every time.
Dear Ute…
Your days are numbered…soon as I have some leave time saved up…
Love ya, Stay out of the KoolAid (the psychosis may be Crimson Tide induced!)
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..9/11
Elaine
My uterus was on extended leave until I down-graded the breastfeeding. I was never so unhappy to see something return in my life…
Awesome post!
Elaines last blog post..Post Haste
Melissa
Oh hell yes thats right! Seems to me like this should be an open letter to uteruses in general. Just sayin….
Melissas last blog post..Twofer again
Tamara
That letter was hilarious !!! You are amazing
xxx
Tamaras last blog post..The morning after (the birthday)
Tamara
I m gonna put this letter from yours on my blog with a link to your blog !!! It is so freakin hilarious
Hugs
Tamaras last blog post..The morning after (the birthday)